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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed at age inappropriate gift giving (Padded bra's and ladyshaves for 10year old DD)

85 replies

BlindBint · 28/01/2008 17:52

My father's wife (Who hasn't got children herself)is constantly slagging me off to my DD in oh so subtle ways, and now is really getting on my nerves.
At Christmas, She bought her a bra. A PADDED bra. DD is quite young for her age, has no need for a bra, and has no interest in them. She was visibly embarrassed.

Now I recieve a phonecall from my sister (who lives next door to them-yes, they are so far up each others arses) asking if I would mind if Father's wife bought DD a ladyshave for her birthday.

WTF?!

Yes, of course I mind! "Happy Birthday, we think you've got hairy legs and need to shave them".

I am seething. As you may have gathered, relations with this part of the family (My father, his wife and my sister) are very strained, and they are constantly pushing the boundaries and making me feel like an inadequate parent.
But to give my daughter a ladyshave is outrageous! She isn't even hairy, and she is very light blonde as well.

It seems to me that Father's wife is trying to be able to say "I bought you your first bra" etc. etc.

Why can't they let her be a child? I don't think she should need to even think about if her legs need a shave or not.

Whenever things have come to a head in the past (as it has on many occasions) they have ended up turning things round so that it makes me feel as if I have been the unreasonable one, even though everyone else says I was in the right. I don't want these battles everytime a special occasion comes up.

What would you do?!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2008 17:55

yanbu

Blandmum · 28/01/2008 17:56

I can't think of many gifts less appropriate for a 10 year old.

Even if you dd needs a bra, she would need one to be properly fitted.

and as for the shaver, words just fail me.

PeatBog · 28/01/2008 17:57

YANBU. She is either mad or bad. Could you calmly say to her 'Please don't buy anything like this for my dd'?

And why is your sister acting as go-between?

Alambil · 28/01/2008 17:57

What odd behaviour from her!!

What is she thinking? (clearly she isn't!)

YA - most defintely - NBU!

pinkspottywellies · 28/01/2008 17:58

yanbu but at least they've asked in advance this time and given you the chance to say no. Perhaps say 'thank you for checking with me, I really appreciate it and I'd like you to do it in the future'

RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 28/01/2008 17:58

I have a 10-year-old and she would die of embarrassment if a relative bought her a bra (which she doesn't need yet either). As for the ladyshave, that is so wrong that I can't see how she could even suggest it.
What did you say to your sister?

Fireflyfairy2 · 28/01/2008 17:59

YANBU...

Just tell her now before she buys it that 10years old is far too young for a lady shave!!

But be aware she doesn't buy her tampax or pads............

Madlentileater · 28/01/2008 18:00

ARGGHHH YANBU I would hit the roof- DDS are 16 and i would consider a ladyshave TOTALLY inappropriate even for them- TBH would be pretty pissed off if anyone gave me one, as for a 10 yr old words fail me...maybe it's worth a chat with your DD, along the lines of 'ho ho they don't seem to realise you're still a GIRL and even when you're more grown up you'll be beautiful no matter if your legs are hairy or not'....rant....what will it be next? suspenders?

pankhurst · 28/01/2008 18:00

YANBU

YANBU

YANBU

I would say

'it seems that you have no idea what is appropriate for a child. In future, just give me the money and I will get something suitable and then tell YOU what it is. in the meantime, why don't you go and poledancee off some of that excess sexual energy instead of transferring it onto my daughter? kiss kiss'

I am steaming on your behalf. It's VERY invasive behaviour.

comfytoast · 28/01/2008 18:02

Wrap up some Tena ladies for her next Birthday and say "I thought you might be getting to that age"

yanbu btw

Wisteria · 28/01/2008 18:02

that's ridiculous BB - why are they being quite so unreasonable?

10 is too young for shaving and it's the sort of thing that they make a choice to do themselves anyway (my dd1 started at 13 and dd2 is nearly 12 and shows no interest).

A bra is an important first buy for Mum and Dd to do together and needs to be properly fitted so no YANBU and they are weird

LIZS · 28/01/2008 18:03

definitely yanbu. tbh I don't think I'd bother passing their gifts on .

HonoriaGlossop · 28/01/2008 18:04

oh that is yucky. I think if this was me I really would have to phone this woman and just tell her that these 'intimate' gifts are simply inappropriate. Yeuuuch. Phone her! you have the right to point this out without feeling bad about it, it's so weird...or get your sister to pass it on if you trust that she will. But she does need to be told IMO.

pointydog · 28/01/2008 18:06

very strange.

I would either

a) tell them dd is too young for these things, could I suggest a book voucher, jewellery or whatever
b) have a laugh with dd about the gift and get her to tell them some time

CaptainCod · 28/01/2008 18:07

no apostrophe in bras obv

pankhurst · 28/01/2008 18:08

Good post, comfytoast! Blindbint, I'll PAY you to do that!

ivykaty44 · 28/01/2008 18:08

Dont forget the thank you letter- thanks for the complexes and making me feel like this www.snap-shot.com/wallpaper/animals/pictures/gorilla.shtml?gorilla-02.jpg

BlindBint · 28/01/2008 18:16

Thankyou so much for your support. I think the reason my sister phoned me was to kind of test the waters, to see what my reaction would be before they bought one. I'm hoping that maybe my sister too may have thought that it was a little too far, and was maybe trying to think of a genuine reason to say to them that it wasn't a good idea.. In the past when other useless gifts have been bought, I have politely phoned them and even used the "I think you may have sent DD a gift that was meant for someone else" - In the case of when she was bought a board game where you had to work out which boy fancied you (at 9th birthday), and another time when they bought her a book about how to ask boys out on a date (again, 9 yo, but at christmas). As a result they said it is their money and I do not have the right to say what they should spend it on (Which is true, but I bloody well DO have the right to ask them not to send my daughter gifts that may turn her into a sex maniac...) They then accuse me of being ungrateful and conspiring to turn my daughter against them . (I personally think they are doing a pretty good job of it themselves).

I'm glad I'm not the only one who disagrees with this.

Thankyou again.
Lynsey
XxXxXxX

OP posts:
BlindBint · 28/01/2008 18:18

Pankhusrt, Comfytoast, ivykaty,

You're bloody amazing.

I'm seriously considering doing all of the options you gave!

OP posts:
onebatmother · 28/01/2008 18:22

ooh my stomach is churning with fury for you. What a crappy situation for them to put you in.

On a slightly different tack I think it is genuinely odd to continue to push these sexualizing presents on your dd when the innapropriateness of same has been pointed out.

A psychoanalyst would say that they are both far too preoccupied with your dd's sexuality.

As well as being freakishly obnoxious.

Unfitmother · 28/01/2008 18:24

YANBU

BlindBint · 28/01/2008 18:29

Exactly. Freud would have a field day with THIS one....

Incidentally, my DH pointed out how weird it is that it is my father's wife that keeps pushing these kind of presents. He said that surely as a woman she should have more awareness of how easily little girls can be forced to grow up so early.
DH is so angry about this he will not even discuss it.

OP posts:
Blu · 28/01/2008 18:29

I agree. It's unpleasant and weird.

Since you have little relationship with them to protect, would be quite blunt and tell them that your dd is only 10, she is not yet into all this teen stuff they are foisting upon her, it embarrases her, and she would be happier, for the next couple of years, to have...whatever she really likes. Books about ponies and dogs.

kindersurprise · 28/01/2008 18:33

The sound you just heard was thousands of jaws dropping all over the country, well the world really, as MNetters everywhere struggle to comprehend your insane relations.

I would ask what they are thinking of, but obviously their heads are being used to grow hair on and not for keeping brains in.

YANBU, absolutely, definately not being unreasonable to want your daughter sexualised in this way.

Stick to your guns, let them know that these kind of presents are unacceptable.

Love the Tenalady idea

agnesnitt · 28/01/2008 18:33

Send the bra back and let her know that you've no need for her dirty laundry as you've enough of your own with a child in the house.

If she does buy the ladyshave thank her for the new dog clippers

Agnes

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