To feel annoyed at age inappropriate gift giving (Padded bra's and ladyshaves for 10year old DD)

[BlindBint]

My father's wife (Who hasn't got children herself)is constantly slagging me off to my DD in oh so subtle ways, and now is really getting on my nerves.
At Christmas, She bought her a bra. A PADDED bra. DD is quite young for her age, has no need for a bra, and has no interest in them. She was visibly embarrassed.

Now I recieve a phonecall from my sister (who lives next door to them-yes, they are so far up each others arses) asking if I would mind if Father's wife bought DD a ladyshave for her birthday.

WTF?!

Yes, of course I mind! "Happy Birthday, we think you've got hairy legs and need to shave them".

I am seething. As you may have gathered, relations with this part of the family (My father, his wife and my sister) are very strained, and they are constantly pushing the boundaries and making me feel like an inadequate parent.
But to give my daughter a ladyshave is outrageous! She isn't even hairy, and she is very light blonde as well.

It seems to me that Father's wife is trying to be able to say "I bought you your first bra" etc. etc.

Why can't they let her be a child? I don't think she should need to even think about if her legs need a shave or not.

Whenever things have come to a head in the past (as it has on many occasions) they have ended up turning things round so that it makes me feel as if I have been the unreasonable one, even though everyone else says I was in the right. I don't want these battles everytime a special occasion comes up.

What would you do?!

Good point there from enid
YANBU at all, this is really quite weird behaviour and deeply upsetting for you all
Am loving the suggestions of Tena pads, fanjo rejuvenation products etc
I'd stick the woman's details on a Dora Bryan walk-in bath mailing list and send her some of those circular slipper bootees for arthritic tootsies

Your relations are mad. A bra and a ladyshave (who the hell uses those anyway? What are DP's razors for? anyway I digress) are completely inappropriate presents for a 10 year old. It is also very embarassing for your dd to have had to open a present (presumably in front of people) discover it's a bra, say 'thanks' and look grateful. At that age everything is potentially cringingly embarassing, your poor dd probably felt very self-conscious.

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to say to your relatives that they obviously have no idea what is appropriate for a 10 year old, in future please give book tokens/vouchers/cash, and if that is a problem please do not worry about giving presents at all. Your dd won't miss out.

Be prepared for lots of hand-wringing and hysterical nonsense and being called 'unfair', because frankly your relatives sound like nutters.

I agree with others that this is beyond bizarre in a creepy way. Does your father have anything to do with this or is it just his wife? It really does seem like she is hung up one particular line of thinking?

YANBU
Just watch them for the next 5 years, I'll bet they'll want to play the "cool auntie" role and at some point your DD could become receptive to that sort of message.
For the moment, what Enid said is a good idea.

YANBU. What a freaky woman. Wildly inappropriate gifts. I think I'd ask her if she had something wrong with her, tbh.

I can completely relate to this. In my case it was MIL and BIL who bought my (8 yo)DD inappropriate presents. MIL bought her a bra and knickers set, whilst BIL bought her a complete make up kit. DH was NOT impressed, and phoned them to tell them in no uncertain terms that their gifts were wholly inappropriate. He made a joke out of it, but the message was clear - she is 8 years old, and has no call for either a bra or make up, will not be wearing either and is frankly mortified (as are we) that she has been given them.

Let your family know that these are not the kinds of gifts a 10 year old wants or needs, and that you would like her to enjoy her childhood whilst she actually is a child.

Have only read to OP, but I have to say YANBU at all, the woman is a nutjob.

I think you need to have a long talk to her along the lines of, now I know you never managed to have your own children so have no idea how to be a good parent or any other sort, but please stop trying to make my 10 year old in to a sex object, I disapprove and to be honest find it insulting and a little bit creepy.
Also point out that you would kindly like them to stop bad mouthing you to your DD and if they can not act like decent adults then you don't need them in your life.

What does your Dad say in all this?

YANBU in the slightest - utterly utterly inappropriate.

And I thought SIL was being a bit off for buying 8yo dd a kit that contained chocolate body wash, strawberry body lotion and 'strawberry lick lipper for luscious lips'. On each of the items it said 'not suitable for children' dd is still a bubblebath girl who uses a bit of glitter dabbed everywhere on special occasions. Shes not ready to start smearing smelly lotions over herself, shes plenty of growing up time yet. Fortunately she is prone to allergic rashes so its easy to confiscate.

Now I feel very silly for being cross at MIL for giving DD (nearly 5) Bratz dolls.

Thankyou everyone.
As for Spockster's post about the Bratz dolls, guess what?! they bought her one after I had said "PLEASE, whatever you do, DON'T buy her a bratz doll".

It seems to me that they are doing these things just to wind me up. But, why bring my daughter into it? They've been making my life hell since I was 15 and there is no way they are going to muck my daughter up!

I love the gift hamper idea-thats fantastic! Mind you, the sad cow's fanjo probably shrivelled up and died many years ago....(Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a bitchfest!)

The best part is, they have now been dropping hints at how much they would like to have my baby for the odd weekend (The poor lad isn't even born yet-plus, none of them have any experience with newborns!).

I think my answer was something along the lines of "No farking way...."

Blindbint - i think most people on here would scream 'NONONONONO' at these people having your dc alone for an hour, let alone a weekend.

"It's ok, BB, we just booked her in for a little botox on Saturday afternoon..."

has your daughter perhaps asked for one? maybe they were checking with you that it was ok?

No bb - he'll come back with an earring and hairgel at 6 months old...!
Have you spoken to any of them yet?

No, my daughter didn't ask for a Bratz doll. I've successfully brainwashed her in that department. Ever since they came out I have repeated the mantra that "They wear too much make up but not enough clothes", and she seems to have no interest in them. (Thank heaven for that!)

The main problem is, they live very very far away, and their journey takes a full day driving, so when DD goes to visit, it is always for at least two days/one night. I do not go with her because they do not make me feel welcome. Of course this adds to my guilt because I know that if I was there with them, none of this would be happening (The name calling directed at me, making my DD ashamed because she had a teeny mark in her knickers, etc.) But if I express my concern and say that I don't want her to go anymore, it causes so much trouble (Their side of the family are like a mafia-you mess with one, you mess with them all.) and they say it's unfair to stop DD seeing her grandparents.
My daughter has sometimes gotten upset at the things they have said to her but when I confront them about it they deny it all-which must make my daughter feel awful. I have said to her that if she doesn't want to go, I will support her no matter what. But whenever the time comes round again and they ask her if she wants to go and visit, she always says yes. And my heart sinks. I've told her it's fine to not want to go, but it has to come from her not me, in the past when I have said no, she cannot come because she was upset last time, they accuse me of "poisoning her against us".
AAARrrrrrrggghhh! FAMILIES!!!

bb - next time they ask I think it is work you biting the bullet and going with her.
Consider it protective duties. Now you have expanded on what happens is sounds tantamount to her being bullied and them getting at you via her.
If it is farking awful, don't send her again. Tell them if they want to see her to come to you (and then put em in a b&b overnight so you don't kill them )

YANBU

What odd behaviour.

I'd keep the ladyshave for myself and buy the girl a big box of sweets and some comics.

Y U A N B U
the woman's a fool

YABU

I forgot to add the N

Finally, an AIBU thread where everyone agrees!

Uber - I'm very shocked at the T-shirts

Toxic relatives.

Drop like hot stones.

they are bringing nothing but shame into your child's life. why are you sending her to visit them? Just Say No.

The message padded bras and Ladyshaves give to a child is a loud and clear "You're not good enough. Improve yourself."

hear hear, colditz.

A good chunk of the history of female oppression in the West, sorted in 6 words.

I'd not let your dd visit them without you or an adult you trust tbh. If you cannnot go and you are determined to let your dd go, you MUST IMO find someone who can accompany her.

Your father's wife sounds way to wierd to have unregulated access to your dd. If this woman is like this now, before your dd has even reached puberty, imagine what it could be like in a few years time - inviting men round, taking her to unsuitable clubs, making her watch pornographic films etc etc - the possibilities are horrifying.

Unfortunately, like many of the other posters I find this line of gifts not only inappropriate but weird - and therefore worrying. There's also a persistence with it - as opposed to, say, a one-off thoughtless gift. Am I alone in finding the book and "game" your daughter was given actually more disturbing than the bra and the idea of a ladyshave though ? ....... to give a child not one, but two presents which both purported to teach her how to get boys to fancy her is plain horrific in my book.

Like Tigermoth, I'd not want my daughter to visit these people unaccompanied, as, at best, their view of childhood is extremely skewed. I really don't want to put into words what the "worst" might be ...

And to be honest, if they got "offended" at the idea of no visits I'd have no hesitation in telling them to fuck off. You say yourself that they made your life hell .... that'd be reason enough to cut them off, even before you consider your daughter.