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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed at age inappropriate gift giving (Padded bra's and ladyshaves for 10year old DD)

85 replies

BlindBint · 28/01/2008 17:52

My father's wife (Who hasn't got children herself)is constantly slagging me off to my DD in oh so subtle ways, and now is really getting on my nerves.
At Christmas, She bought her a bra. A PADDED bra. DD is quite young for her age, has no need for a bra, and has no interest in them. She was visibly embarrassed.

Now I recieve a phonecall from my sister (who lives next door to them-yes, they are so far up each others arses) asking if I would mind if Father's wife bought DD a ladyshave for her birthday.

WTF?!

Yes, of course I mind! "Happy Birthday, we think you've got hairy legs and need to shave them".

I am seething. As you may have gathered, relations with this part of the family (My father, his wife and my sister) are very strained, and they are constantly pushing the boundaries and making me feel like an inadequate parent.
But to give my daughter a ladyshave is outrageous! She isn't even hairy, and she is very light blonde as well.

It seems to me that Father's wife is trying to be able to say "I bought you your first bra" etc. etc.

Why can't they let her be a child? I don't think she should need to even think about if her legs need a shave or not.

Whenever things have come to a head in the past (as it has on many occasions) they have ended up turning things round so that it makes me feel as if I have been the unreasonable one, even though everyone else says I was in the right. I don't want these battles everytime a special occasion comes up.

What would you do?!

OP posts:
NineUnlikelyTales · 01/02/2008 14:14

They commented and made her feel ashamed about a mark in her knickers? WTF were they doing looking at a 10 year old's knickers anyway?

I'm not easily roused to comments of this nature but I am disturbed about the inappropriateness of everything you have said. Obviously YANBU but I would not let my child within corrupting distance of people like that. Family or not. You have nothing to lose by dropping them.

Yummers · 01/02/2008 14:16

your father's wife sounds a few sandwiches short of a picnic if you don't mind me saying.

write her a list of suitable presents and ask her to chose from it.

silly moo, i wonder if she means to be offensive?

Yummers · 01/02/2008 14:20

have just read more of the thread - agree you should cut them out. very dodgy people from the sounds of things. who cares if they're related to you? it does not give them the right to bully and harass your daughter.

greyskythinker · 01/02/2008 14:46

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

You simply cannot let your daughter have unsupervised contact with these wierdos. I suggest no contact at all - so what if they bad mouth you to your sister / rest of the family.

Your job as mummy is to protect your children. And it is your decision as to who she sees. Don't give them any opportunity for contact with her - even phone calls, because it sounds like they will cause mischief.

Having read the thread, I am really concerned there is a real child protection issue here. Please take this seriously.

There appears to be much more than simply inappropriate gifts.

Oh, and make sure that you have a chance to open gifts prior to being given to your DD to save her embarrassment / morals. You can make a joke of it with your DD along the lines of 'shall I check just to make sure, ho, ho'.

greyskythinker · 01/02/2008 16:06

I have been thinking about this since I first read the post. (instead of studying for exam tomorrow - oh no!)

I don't want to sound hysterical, but does anyone else think this smacks of grooming?

bras, ladyshaves, sexual board games & books, inspecting (&commenting about) knickers, subtly undermining mother . . . .?

Thank god they live far away. As for allowing your daughter to decide whether she visits, sorry, but I really really think you need to intervene and say no, whatever the repercussions.

nonnie12 · 01/02/2008 16:14

getting your first bra is special and beinh the mother it is up tp you to take your daughter to get it not any body else.

nonnie12 · 01/02/2008 16:14

oops cant spell today sorry.

ChinaSurprise · 01/02/2008 16:44

PLEASE don't let your DD got to these people on their own again. Your dad's wife sounds INSANE but if he's not stopping this behaviour he needs a bloody strong word too.
I would just keep finding an excuse for her not to go to them again until they stop asking, but if she has to go can you not take their sh*t for a weekend? It sounds like she needs your protection.
My own mum refused to buy me a bra/ razors/ deodrant etc etc til I was at least 13 - almost the opposite problem (I really needed the bra sooner - she was in denial I think) but that's preferable to the other way round.
Am totally up for the gift basket btw - I know it was a joke, and it's extreme but actually it would help her see how weird and intimate their gifts actually are. (although I agree, I think she's just bonkers)
Thank god she never had any children and you escaped unscathed and sane.
I suspect she's trying to 'get in' with your DD by indeed acting the 'cool auntie' - and I agree no amount of reasonable explanations/ strong requests on your part are likely to work with this nutjob. You need to reduce/ cut off contact as much as poss.
Good luck!

motherinferior · 01/02/2008 16:51

I agree with everyone else. They sound not just awful but quite sinister. How upsetting for all of you. I am sorry.

Elasticwoman · 01/02/2008 17:04

I would be embarrassed if some one bought ME a bra, never mind my dd. It is far too personal a present. How would she feel if you brought her a vibrator as a present and gave it to her in public?

At least you were asked in advance about the ladyshave so that you had a chance to say NO very firmly in capitals.

It is v sad that any one thinks 10 years old is a suitable age for such things.

I bought my dd (who is older) a ladyshave only after she repeatedly borrowed mine. I would never have suggested to her that she needed one.

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