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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry about this - dd left out group/party

877 replies

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 01:15

So a bit of background, my daughter is a lovely, yet shy and reserved child, who has been dancing for a few years with a group of girls and has grown in confidence around them. One particular girl, she sees as a good friend and they share another hobby which they do weekly together. This morning at dancing she hears some of the others discussing a sleepover and asked in front of the mum if she can join and the mum says of course. She comes home excited and gets her things ready, then I received a text 15 minutes before I was due to drop her off saying I'm sorry dd doesn't want her to come. Now I know maybe she shouldn't have asked but it was nice to see her confidence and she would have not even considered that her friend didn't want her there and probably thought of it as an oversight. There were no excuses made, and not even any effort to try and protect her feelings in this all. I am so sad for her. Aibu to feel really pissed off?

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 30/10/2022 18:48

PurpleWisteria1 · 30/10/2022 13:17

I think this tells me all I need to know really.
Why would your daughter be unkind to the girl if YOU had said she can come?
Yes she was invited - not initially no, but afterwards the adult said YES of course. That’s an invitation to attend!
I would agree with all you have said if the adult hadn’t said yes to the child.
When she said yes she should have stuck to her word. Why would your daughter be mean to the other child? Are her friendship group so horrid that they would single someone out during a sleepover?
Yes in a selfish world we all just say what we want when we want and ditch each other and to hell with anyone else. But we arnt savages. We have feelings and empathy. We think about more than our wants.
You have served yourself over the years and prioritised yourself (to the hurt of others??) If that’s so, I wonder how others perceive you? Kind and would do anything for any body? Make the world a better place in some small way? Shows empathy to those in need and distress? Puts others before them self? Or the opposite of those things? Maybe you don’t care how others see you. That’s fine. But I do care. I want to be kind and considerate to others around me especially children.
In no world would I have told a shy 12 year old who was friends with my daughter yes of course you can come and then ‘no we don’t want you’ later on. If my own dd had said to uninvite them I would be teaching her that on this occasion I’ve said yes so we will go with that.

Show quote history

Very kindly, I think you've taken the wrong message from this post.
It's so important that we teach our daughters to have strong boundaries, that they don't need to "put others first", and that they should have agency over who they allow into their home.
It's what we would naturally teach our daughters at 16 regarding boys, so we need to start sending the message when they're tweens.

I know that this whole episode will have been very hurtful for the Op's daughter, and I completely agree that she should be withdrawing and finding her new tribe.

We don't know the half of what's gone on prior to this incident. So many pp's saying that 12yo girls are so "bitchy" and "mean". I agree with that - I'm a mother to a 13yo DD, who is definitely not without fault in her own friendship group.
On that note, we don't know if the Op's DD hasn't been bitchy and mean too? We only have her own mum's version of this.
There are lots of us blind to our DCs faults.

As we all know, every Mumsnetter's DD is well behaved, polite, popular, shy, and gets on with everyone.
It's other 12yo girls who create the problems.

Maybe this friendship has just run its course, which is perfectly normal at this age.

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 18:48

No the above post is not comparable, my dds behaviour could never been described as bad, maybe slight naive and misguided yesterday, but I had apologised to other girls mum, made sure it was definitely OK for her to go before coming home and she has learnt a very very harsh lesson, my heart just breaks for her as the rejection was so blunt and harsh (regardless if whether the other parent/child were in the right, the impact on my dd is the same)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 18:52

@JockTamsonsBairns as I said upthread I have other kids and can definitely see how some of their behaviour could be bitchy and I'm very hot on being aware and trying to prevent this behavior. However, this child is not like that at all. I don't like to out my other daughter down to get my point across, but just need to make the point that I'm not a 'my kids are perfect'kind of mum.

OP posts:
sadiewt · 30/10/2022 18:54

Be kINd is obviously ridiculous at all costs. But that doesn't mean basic courtesy has to be thrown out of the window. An invite was extended (rightly or wrongly) and 15 mins before is not the right time to cancel. That is an acceptable lesson for a 12 YO. The other daughter shld be told you're to include this girl and make her feel welcome on this occasion but yes next time we'll explain sorry we're limited on numbers. Even if that's a white lie. A white lie with good motives is not the enemy!
Some people seem to insist that their daughters so fiercely exert their will / opinions / preferences that it's bordering on psychopathic. I would apply all of this thinking to a son too so it's not about insisting girls be kind!

Tandora · 30/10/2022 18:56

Hudsonriver · 30/10/2022 18:15

Dont want her to come. Don’t bloody say she can of course come then!!

They didn't invite her
For most people that a bit of a giveaway 😂

She’s 12!!! 😡😡😡

KimberleyClark · 30/10/2022 18:56

Tandora · 30/10/2022 17:25

Oh Come on - you are surely being disingenuous?
I also don’t invite everyone I know, all the time , to every social occasion I host - how would I?
But if I had a friend from (say) my book club who repeatedly invited me round for dinner; I wouldn’t then

  1. host a dinner party inviting all other members of the book club but her,
  2. allow open discussion of such dinner party in her presence knowing I hadn’t included her
  3. let her know I actively didn’t want her there 15 mins before said dinner, after (let’s say) my partner had already said she could come. Only a 12 year old playing mean girls behaves like this and their mothers’ (who are the adults facilitating , hosting, coordinating and paying for these events) shouldn’t tolerate it!
Show quote history

This.

LimeCheesecake · 30/10/2022 18:56

This is possibly a very harsh lesson to your dd about not imposing on others, and it’s never ok to invite yourself.

it happens through life, at 40-something I find social media posts with some people having parties or nights out I’ve not been invited to join hard - but then I’m not entitled to be at everything.

MapleLeafForever · 30/10/2022 18:57

Totally fine to be disappointed and heartbroken for her, though - I think most people would be, if their DD had been rejected in that way. But saying you are angry is different, because that implies blaming the others or at least the suggesting that they have done something wrong, i think.

I'd be disappointed and hurt for her too, as I was for myself when it happened to me (many times).

How does your DD know that she was rejected so bluntly? The mum should have texted you instead, if the arrangements were still being made via parents, so that you could have given a gentler let-down, even if it's to say that they've decided it's too many people or that they just wanted school friends or whatever. Then you can gradually steer your DD to other groups, depending on whether she wants to remain on the outskirts of this one - sometimes that's OK too. Or you can make sure that she is finding all the other girls who might be keen to be in her friend group too and including them. And checking that your DD is picking up on social cues that suggest others might want time to themselves, etc, but don't want to come right out and say so.

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 19:03

To be honest I think she has taken it really well, and it me that's taken it harder as you just want to protect them even when they are not so little. I havent let her see its bothered me anyway. I think she knows what it's like to prefer spending time with some friends over others so can see it from the other girls perspective, but she would never in a million years let the ones she likes less know this.

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 30/10/2022 19:13

YANBU at all.
My heart goes out to your Dd.
What an incredibly mean thing to do to a child. I have an 11yr old dd, and I can imagine how hurtful this was to you both.
I would in no way be having that girl in my house again. That would be it for me. I couldn’t forgive the girl or the Mother for that.
As an adult in this situation, once you’ve said yes, that’s it! Who could uninvite a child at the last minute 😡. I hope your dd is ok

Cherrysherbet · 30/10/2022 19:14

Just to add…. Your dd sounds lovely 🥰

Elsamit · 30/10/2022 19:20

@Lago1

To be honest I think she has taken it really well, and it me that's taken it harder as you just want to protect them even when they are not so little. I havent let her see its bothered me anyway. I think she knows what it's like to prefer spending time with some friends over others so can see it from the other girls perspective, but she would never in a million years let the ones she likes less know this.

Your DD sounds like a lovely young girl and of course, as her mum, you will feel her hurt and want to protect her. That is being a caring parent. There has been some overly harsh criticism on this thread and I think that it needs reiterating that your DD is only 12, not an adult, and is still learning social skills. I think you come across as being a very thoughtful and sensible mum OP. I really hope your DD finds a nicer friendship group.

PrestonNorthHen · 30/10/2022 19:25

Does your DD struggle with social skills, misunderstandings/ communication Op?

The thing here is that the other girl had " told"" DD that she either didn't want her to come or there was another reason such as group dynamic simply by not inviting her.

Your DD has pushed the boundary of this girl and found out in a much more brutal way that she wasn't welcome.
We all have a set degree of sensitivity to rejection and it would have been far better to teach your DD that we aren't invited to everything and that it's for all sorts of reasons, mostly not related to us but to the other person and so we don't question it by overstepping.

FeelMyBicep · 30/10/2022 19:26

@Lago1 I really feel for your DD, and regardless of the situation, being 12 years old & left out isn't a very nice place to be. I completely empathise with your original post. It is 'life', but it still hurts. You're only human. Xx

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 19:28

@Cherrysherbet @Elsamit
It seems some on this thread are expecting my dd to have a degree is psychology/ sociology and be analysing behaviour, looking into for social cues ect when she's literally just a kid who's thought I'd like to go to my mates with the others, so I'll ask. The misjudgement in doing that, I think is so slight.

OP posts:
InsertPunHere · 30/10/2022 19:33

I'm delighted your DD has handled it well and good on her. I don't blame you for feeling pain on her behalf.

PrestonNorthHen · 30/10/2022 19:36

Lago1 · 30/10/2022 19:28

@Cherrysherbet @Elsamit
It seems some on this thread are expecting my dd to have a degree is psychology/ sociology and be analysing behaviour, looking into for social cues ect when she's literally just a kid who's thought I'd like to go to my mates with the others, so I'll ask. The misjudgement in doing that, I think is so slight.

Was that aimed at me?
She's 12 not 6.
I had these types of conversations with my DC at quite a young age as class parties moved to more select groups and questions as to why they weren't always invited.

Elsamit · 30/10/2022 19:37

@Lago1

You are so right here. Sometimes people lose sight of what it's like to be 12. To use a well worn phrase, it says more about them than it does about you (or your DD).

PurpleWisteria1 · 30/10/2022 19:37

Cherrysherbet · 30/10/2022 19:13

YANBU at all.
My heart goes out to your Dd.
What an incredibly mean thing to do to a child. I have an 11yr old dd, and I can imagine how hurtful this was to you both.
I would in no way be having that girl in my house again. That would be it for me. I couldn’t forgive the girl or the Mother for that.
As an adult in this situation, once you’ve said yes, that’s it! Who could uninvite a child at the last minute 😡. I hope your dd is ok

This is what I’ve been trying to say! Been shouted down from all angles and everyone seems to be focusing on the DD not being invited or the other girls right to say no.
The mum said she could come. The adult! Then OP double checked with the mum and yes all still ok for her to come. Then cancels last minute by saying by she’s not wanted breaking a 12 year olds heart.
Im sorry, have I slipped into a nightmarish parallel universe? Where in anyones books is this remotely ok?
As the PP said for me that would be it. Would never trust the mum again. The girl would never be welcome at my house and no lifts would be offered.

Tandora · 30/10/2022 19:38

You are absolutely right OP. The criticism of your DD is totally unwarranted . The person who is most to blame in this situation is the other girl’s mum. Your DD and her ‘friend’ were just being 12 year olds: naive (your DD) and childishly cruel ( in a typical pre-teen way) (the friend).

chopc · 30/10/2022 19:43

I think your DD was brave to ask. I would never be blunt to another parent the way this lady was. Would always make up a white lie to spare feelings in this situation The fact she didn't want to spare your DD's feelings says something about her and maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Original poster
Lago1 · 30/10/2022 19:47

@PrestonNorthHen not at you in particular, so many people have said she must have problems interacting and picking up on social cues.
I'm so glad a few toward the end of this thread have said how it would make them angry to, I was starting to think I was going crazy!

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria1 · 30/10/2022 19:50

whumpthereitis · 30/10/2022 18:32

Like I said, take me back to a time of honesty and integrity when people actually thought of others before themselves.

when was this supposed golden age, exactly?

if anything there’s more focus, at least in regards to the west, on ‘being kind’ now than there ever has been.

You must be joking.
Its all hollow words these days.
Im only in my 40’s but I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up and also the grandparents of a couple of good friends. Both sets couldn’t have been more different from each other but all had a similar moral code when how to treat others, it wasn’t the fake ‘be kind’ that we have today. It actually meant something.

whumpthereitis · 30/10/2022 19:55

PurpleWisteria1 · 30/10/2022 19:50

You must be joking.
Its all hollow words these days.
Im only in my 40’s but I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up and also the grandparents of a couple of good friends. Both sets couldn’t have been more different from each other but all had a similar moral code when how to treat others, it wasn’t the fake ‘be kind’ that we have today. It actually meant something.

Show quote history

So you’ve taken a small group of people and extrapolated their values onto however many millions of people inhabiting the UK, all of whom will have their own norms when it comes to their social microcosms.

That sounds representative(!)

JanetSally · 30/10/2022 20:05

I can't believe some people on here think it's OK to bluntly tell someone who has done nothing harmful that they're just not wanted.

What cruel and selfish absorbed (I have rights and consideration doesn't come into it) adults some of you are rearing.