DH messages about me

[Frankie2015]

So I found out the hard way why you should not.m look on other peoples phones. I'm planning a surprise party for my DH and so needed some of his friends phone numbers I don't have. He has a group what's app with about 5 of his close friends on there so I sneaked a look at his phone with a plan to take a photo of the phone numbers of those in the group.

Anyway I click on and the last messages are from him being quite horrible about me. Basically....does any one else's mrs just talk at them when your trying to watch tv. She was having a conversation with someone and it was f'ing me and he wanted me to shut up and go away. Paraphrasing but basically not nice at all!!

I think I'm really hurt by it as I was telling him about what a great day our sons had had ad how they were asking if he could come next time. Plus I've just had a baby so we have zero time to have a conversation I was just so happy to be chatting to him plus tmi maybe but it was the first time we had been intimate that morning in a long time so felt a lot closer to him and was excited to talk to him quickly but he just wanted me to go away it seems. I was talking to him for max 5 mins then went to sort the baby.

AIBU for snooping and being upset. ( it may be my post natal hormones making me more sensitive)?

Should I say something but then he knows I've looked at his phone although was innocent? Or just forget it and he entitled to moan about me to his friend?

No real excuse but lack of sleep makes the whole household tired and crabby ime.
Maybe speak to him without any TV or dc around. Tell him your plans for the party and what you saw... Say you hope it wasn't a real dig as you actually think your relationship is great. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

I'd be upset too. Are things generally okay between you? How does he treat you?

If he's amazing, supportive, kind, loving in day to day life then I'd find it easier to just let go, and tell myself he was just having an off day.

I've definitely had a moan about my (lovely!) DH to my mum before when I'm hormonal and tired, I'd not want him to overhear me being grumpy and it's not personal to him really, more a 'me' problem having a moan!

So I can see both sides, but overall I think it depends on how happy you are and how he is normally.

I suppose this depends on your husband and what he’s normally like. Everyone is entitled to a whinge now and then if they’re already in a bad mood, and with a baby he might just be feeling a bit worn out and have a moan to his friends rather than upset you because he knows it’s nbd really.
I sometimes whinge to my friends about OH and in reality I think the sun shines out of his arse, he’s the man of my dreams even after being together years- but he gets on my nerves sometimes because that’s life, everyone is annoying sometimes.

But on the other hand my ex used to moan like this to his friends, the difference was he’d be really passive aggressive and snarky in person too, he’d use these whinges to make mutual friends think less of me, he was just generally not very kind. So I suppose it depends on what’s going on for your H and what he is normally like with you and baby.

does any one else's mrs just talk at them when your trying to watch tv.

sorry but this does drive me up the wall if people do it, 1 for the talking when I'm trying to watch something 2. Worse the being talked at! When someone doesn't actually want to have a conversation they just want you to listen to their thoughts and opinions and aren't really interested in your opinions or anything!

So he does not help with the baby at all, he sleeps in a separate room since the baby was born and has done zero nights feed and barely helps during the day just to hold him if I need to quickly get something or have a wee say. Think selfish 1950s dad stereotype! That has had a big impact on our relationship but we are usually happy.
He's better with my older child but they are self sufficient and just want to play.
He never moans about me to my face and I didn't even get the vibe I was getting on his nerves to he honest. I hate confrontation but I'm so annoyed/upset about it. I do get the whinging to friends because of course I do it about him so I'm being a hypocrite really I guess, it was just so unexpected and nasty for no reason

I think you may be over reacting a little. What language did he use exactly?

I often have a moan to my mum or my friends about my dh, it's not meant for him to see and obviously I'm just having a bit of a rant , it's not an accurate reflection on how I feel about him 99 percent of the time.

I'd say as it wasn't something particularly personal, if he didn't use derogatory language then just let it go. We're all entitled to a moan and you were snooping on his phone.

I totally understand that but why not just say 'I'm trying to watch this' he was smiling and look engaged so I didn't think I was talking at him

Yes maybe I am. I am really emotional and sensitive at the moment a lot more then I usually am so just wanted to check in here if that was the case.

If he’s with a woman so bloody awful (!) then who’s the idiot ?

Her as much as him, because he's shit too by all accounts if you read her talking about the baby

I wouldn't be arranging a suprise party for him bitching about chatting for a whole five minutes talking about his own child

Too right!!
And a child he does absolutely nothing for by the looks of OPs update.

I'd be throwing him a surprise moving out party at best. God I hate men like this.

Well fair enough!

Cancel the party. Fuck him

The thing with WhatsApp is that it’s so instant you tend to relay what’s happening that very minute, rather than a bigger picture.
Chances are if you asked if he’d had a nice day, he would have. But for that 5 mins he was texting someone else and distracted he wasn’t.
Things get very distorted with social media.

What was he like with the older one as a baby? Don’t bother with the party.

No party for this selfish fucker. In fact ignore his birthday completely.

Do not organise a party for him. You have enough to do. I’d tell him why you looked at his phone and what you saw.

I take it he wasn't this useless with the other children otherwise I'm struggling to see why you've had another child and are surprised by his actions

No suprise birthday party thrown by frazed new mum for the man who barely helps and is generally a selfish 1950s throwback. Nope. Don't do it.

I wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t hold it inside. I think you need to talk with him about it.
My DH often doesn’t listen me properly if he’s doing something, it’s obvious as he’s asking again later etc but he never bitches about me on What’s app. It’s a different level.
Tbh the whole picture is not good.

Think selfish 1950s dad stereotype! That has had a big impact on our relationship but we are usually happy.

I can see him being happy with that set up but I can’t see how you can be happy when you are doing everything.

He’d be getting a cupcake with a candle in it.

And I’d probably eat the cupcake when his jaw hit the floor.

I would be upset but I have to acknowledge that I have,on occasion, moaned about my DH to my friends. Not saying that’s right but I have.

Women busy looking after babies whose husbands do fuck all for the baby should be looking after themselves since no one else in their marriage is, not putting yet more effort into planning fun things for their Dh. That’s my opinion even without the messages tbh. Just cancel the party and put that effort into you getting some time- hand him baby and go out for a couple of hours because you matter too.

I freely moan about dh to my friends. And would have to be able to take it in return. But that dynamic might not the one you want!