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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH messages about me

96 replies

Frankie2015 · 29/10/2022 21:14

So I found out the hard way why you should not.m look on other peoples phones. I'm planning a surprise party for my DH and so needed some of his friends phone numbers I don't have. He has a group what's app with about 5 of his close friends on there so I sneaked a look at his phone with a plan to take a photo of the phone numbers of those in the group.

Anyway I click on and the last messages are from him being quite horrible about me. Basically....does any one else's mrs just talk at them when your trying to watch tv. She was having a conversation with someone and it was f'ing me and he wanted me to shut up and go away. Paraphrasing but basically not nice at all!!

I think I'm really hurt by it as I was telling him about what a great day our sons had had ad how they were asking if he could come next time. Plus I've just had a baby so we have zero time to have a conversation I was just so happy to be chatting to him plus tmi maybe but it was the first time we had been intimate that morning in a long time so felt a lot closer to him and was excited to talk to him quickly but he just wanted me to go away it seems. I was talking to him for max 5 mins then went to sort the baby.

AIBU for snooping and being upset. ( it may be my post natal hormones making me more sensitive)?

Should I say something but then he knows I've looked at his phone although was innocent? Or just forget it and he entitled to moan about me to his friend?

OP posts:
Smineusername · 29/10/2022 22:25

Yeah he doesn't need a party

Darbs76 · 29/10/2022 22:27

Red herring as the bigger issue is now disengaged in your children he is. Sleeping in another room and not doing a thing to help? Sorry but just couldn’t live with someone like that, I absolutely wouldn’t be organising any party.

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/10/2022 22:27

deeperthanallroses · 29/10/2022 22:21

Women busy looking after babies whose husbands do fuck all for the baby should be looking after themselves since no one else in their marriage is, not putting yet more effort into planning fun things for their Dh. That’s my opinion even without the messages tbh. Just cancel the party and put that effort into you getting some time- hand him baby and go out for a couple of hours because you matter too.

I’m echoing this ^

mellicauli · 29/10/2022 22:28

He sounds like a complete arsehole. He was quite happy to talk at his friends during the TV program. But not you. I just feel so sad for you and your children. Don't you think you deserve better?

Relevanceiskey · 29/10/2022 22:35

I don't think you are overreacting at all.

1 - you are at home with the kids (presumably) and if I couldn't talk my husbands ear off when he got home from work then I'd go mad. Sometimes it's the first bloody adult conversation I've had all day. He's clearly not very a
sympathetic to how isolating staying home with young children can be.

2 - controversial, but I'd feel pretty betrayed if I knew my husband was bitching about me to his friends. I would never do the same to him. I understand needing to "vent", but if you had decent communication skills and were listening to each other/finding solutions when something is wrong, I really can't see the need. I would want him to come to me with the issue...

I think it shows a lack of respect for you.

MysteryBelle · 29/10/2022 22:53

I’d usually jump on a guy not respecting his wife but I think this was probably him just being very grumpy, you are busy with the baby so he’s not your prime concern and that has probably aggravated him, and he’s just settled down to watch a game, I wouldn’t worry about it. But, I would tell him that you saw the text and he’d better not talk disrespectfully about you to others. Tell him to bring it to you directly like a man haha

ferntwist · 29/10/2022 22:55

He sounds like he takes you for granted OP. Really selfish and hostile. Don’t throw a surprise party for him, do something nice for yourself

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2022 23:00

Even if he was just having a moan with nothing truly 'ugly' behind it, he doesn't sound like much of a peach to me.

Never helps out, sleeps in another room, typical ''50s man'? Fuck that shit. That's what I wouldn't tolerate.

I think you'd better sit back and take a hard and honest look at the totality of your marriage. If after you do, you're happy to be treated like some household appliance, then that's fine, live your life that way. If not, then think about how you want your life to really be and how you can go about getting it.

kMix · 29/10/2022 23:07

Nah. He's an idiot. You are talking to him because you want an adult relationship with some conversation. And he's doing FA for you and your baby. And yet you're thinking of planning him a party? Could you imagine him ever planning a surprise party for you and texting all your friends etc. And you're doing this after having a baby. And he has the audacity to slag you off for having a conversation? No no.

I wouldn't confront him. He's not gonna apologise. He's gonna turn it on you and tell you off for "snooping". I would just keep an eye on the relationship, ask him to help more, and start to imagine if you could do it without him

Peekachoochoo · 29/10/2022 23:11

Does he have any redeeming features? You haven't mentioned any in your post.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/10/2022 23:17

Darbs76 · 29/10/2022 22:27

Red herring as the bigger issue is now disengaged in your children he is. Sleeping in another room and not doing a thing to help? Sorry but just couldn’t live with someone like that, I absolutely wouldn’t be organising any party.

Same here.

Why are you exerting yourself to celebrate his birthday? Would he do the same for you? Doesn't sound like it.

I would focus on financial independence and getting back to work if I were married to a 1950s throwback who snarked about me behind my back, tbh.

Brigante9 · 29/10/2022 23:22

Are some posters not reading the OP’s posts? Her Dh does nothing for the child, he’s slagging her off on Whatsapp. I’m afraid I would not tolerate this shit.

Dadof5gremlins · 29/10/2022 23:27

Girl, he should not be speaking about you like that behind your back. That's nasty and harsh , and you saying he sleeps in another room so he can have a lovely relaxing sleep every night is harsh. You deserve alot more help and alot more respect. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my wife. We also have a baby and split the load .

Dadof5gremlins · 29/10/2022 23:29

Damn right. She needs to kick his ass into the 21st century.

converseandjeans · 29/10/2022 23:31

I wouldn't be arranging a suprise party for him bitching about chatting for a whole five minutes talking about his own child

I agree with this. Even if he was annoyed there was no need to send that message to friends about you.

I think women do chat more than men do. But it's no excuse to be nasty about you.

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 23:33

God it’s awful how low some women’s bars are. To even think this is ok. I’d not be with any man who spoke about be like this, and its so sad that some posters on here would take it, just to be with a man.

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:34

The message itself wouldn't bother me because he was not rude or unkind to you at the time, he did act like he was interested in what you were saying to him. People do moan and/or exaggerate to their friends for laughs or attention. It was a private conversation not for your ears or eyes and not intended to hurt you.

However, he sounds useless as a husband and father. That is your real issue.

ToFindNewWays · 29/10/2022 23:36

He sounds absolutely fucking dreadful.

Don't organise a party for this selfish prick.

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 23:37

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:34

The message itself wouldn't bother me because he was not rude or unkind to you at the time, he did act like he was interested in what you were saying to him. People do moan and/or exaggerate to their friends for laughs or attention. It was a private conversation not for your ears or eyes and not intended to hurt you.

However, he sounds useless as a husband and father. That is your real issue.

Oh god, what’s went wrong for you that men talking about you like this would not bother you?💐

Wishihadanalgorithm · 29/10/2022 23:41

Nope, no party.
Not just because he talked about you like that but because he’s a shit partner and father. Give him the treatment he deserves; a handmade card and present from the kids.

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:45

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 23:37

Oh god, what’s went wrong for you that men talking about you like this would not bother you?💐

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It's nothing to do with men. It's people. People talk to their friends like that. When people want to get things off their chest, but don't want to hurt anyone, they vent about in private, to friends, or family (or Mumsnet...). It's not bad or wrong.

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 23:51

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:45

It's nothing to do with men. It's people. People talk to their friends like that. When people want to get things off their chest, but don't want to hurt anyone, they vent about in private, to friends, or family (or Mumsnet...). It's not bad or wrong.

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God, raise your bar

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:53

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 23:51

God, raise your bar

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Lol you do realise MN is mostly people venting about other people, right? Do you think they shouldn't be doing that because it's "disloyal" to the person they are venting about?

SandyY2K · 30/10/2022 00:00

So he does not help with the baby at all, he sleeps in a separate room since the baby was born and has done zero nights feed and barely helps during the day just to hold him if I need to quickly get something or have a wee say. Think selfish 1950s dad stereotype!

And you're planning a surprise party for him.
The bar is so low.

Natty13 · 30/10/2022 00:01

He sleeps in another room and does zero for his baby, his wife or his family,wants you to have sex with him and also shut up so he can watch telly in peace. Sounds like you have the absolute shite end of the relationship stick here yet you are planning him a nice wee party. I'm not sure what you actually want folk to say? It sounds like a crap life to me and I wouldn't swap it for a million quid.

Demand better treatment is my advice to you, and don't do nice things for peoe who treat you like a mug, you are worth way more.