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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH messages about me

96 replies

Frankie2015 · 29/10/2022 21:14

So I found out the hard way why you should not.m look on other peoples phones. I'm planning a surprise party for my DH and so needed some of his friends phone numbers I don't have. He has a group what's app with about 5 of his close friends on there so I sneaked a look at his phone with a plan to take a photo of the phone numbers of those in the group.

Anyway I click on and the last messages are from him being quite horrible about me. Basically....does any one else's mrs just talk at them when your trying to watch tv. She was having a conversation with someone and it was f'ing me and he wanted me to shut up and go away. Paraphrasing but basically not nice at all!!

I think I'm really hurt by it as I was telling him about what a great day our sons had had ad how they were asking if he could come next time. Plus I've just had a baby so we have zero time to have a conversation I was just so happy to be chatting to him plus tmi maybe but it was the first time we had been intimate that morning in a long time so felt a lot closer to him and was excited to talk to him quickly but he just wanted me to go away it seems. I was talking to him for max 5 mins then went to sort the baby.

AIBU for snooping and being upset. ( it may be my post natal hormones making me more sensitive)?

Should I say something but then he knows I've looked at his phone although was innocent? Or just forget it and he entitled to moan about me to his friend?

OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 30/10/2022 00:03

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:53

Lol you do realise MN is mostly people venting about other people, right? Do you think they shouldn't be doing that because it's "disloyal" to the person they are venting about?

Show quote history

What’s that got to do with it, you want me to comment on people complaining about their partner like they are one humongous mass?all equal`?

if your partner is texting their mates talking this kind of shit about you, that rhey want you to just go, then yes, there is a real problem and if you’re doing it, or your partner is doing it to you then you’ve issues.

Natty13 · 30/10/2022 00:05

BadNomad · 29/10/2022 23:34

The message itself wouldn't bother me because he was not rude or unkind to you at the time, he did act like he was interested in what you were saying to him. People do moan and/or exaggerate to their friends for laughs or attention. It was a private conversation not for your ears or eyes and not intended to hurt you.

However, he sounds useless as a husband and father. That is your real issue.

I don't, my friends don't, I'm 99.9% my DH's friends don't either (I have also done as the OP and looked on their group chat for phone numbers, as well as other things).

Personally I find it disrespectful and I don't slag off my DH when I wouldn't want it done to me.

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 00:06

He sounds horrible. Cruel and contemptuous of you. Disrespectful. Lazy. Arrogant. Awful.

I don't think you should throw him a party. I think you should put your energies into yourself and your babies.

meatballsoup · 30/10/2022 00:20

We all vent sometimes not ever expecting the person to hear or read what we've said. I would say it's generally because we love the person we are venting about & don't want to hurt their feelings, but they do something that really gets on our tits. I love my kids & I smile & fain interest when they are whittering on about Roblox or some other bollocks. When they are out of earshot i will comment to my partner "fuck me that kid goes on!". The not pulling his weight with the kids is a separate issue. You are on the same team, talk to him tell him what you need.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 00:27

Dadof5gremlins · 29/10/2022 23:27

Girl, he should not be speaking about you like that behind your back. That's nasty and harsh , and you saying he sleeps in another room so he can have a lovely relaxing sleep every night is harsh. You deserve alot more help and alot more respect. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my wife. We also have a baby and split the load .

This! Well said @Dadof5gremlins.

Everyone needs adequate sleep. If you are a stay at home mum or on maternity leave it’s not like someone else is looking after your baby during the day so you get to catch up on sleep. You need to be well rested to be able to function properly. There are two parents so he needs to step up and share the load.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 00:31

Also, you do need adult conversation and adult socialising time when you are looking after babies and young children or you will burnout or go a little loopy.

If he doesn’t want to engage with you when he comes home from work, leave him with the baby and toddler and go out for a couple of hours to have some adult interaction. You need it.

Escapingafter50years · 30/10/2022 00:35

What did he do for you on your last birthday?

How does he show appreciation for you looking after your, and his, baby all night every night?

Topseyt123 · 30/10/2022 01:23

Very two faced of him. I wouldn't bother organising any party for him. He doesn't deserve it.

EleanorLucyG · 30/10/2022 01:36

MichelleScarn · 29/10/2022 21:29

does any one else's mrs just talk at them when your trying to watch tv.

sorry but this does drive me up the wall if people do it, 1 for the talking when I'm trying to watch something 2. Worse the being talked at! When someone doesn't actually want to have a conversation they just want you to listen to their thoughts and opinions and aren't really interested in your opinions or anything!

And me. But I do tell the talker to please be quiet at the time, I don't moan about them afterwards to others. I don't mind if someone wants to ask something but it annoys me if I've settled down to watch something and someone starts a conversation. Just because you don't value the TV show he's watching, or don't value watching TV in general, doesn't mean he doesn't value it OP. Why does your desire for a mundane conversation trump his desire to watch the program? You can chat together when the show isn't on 🤷

ChampagneLassie · 30/10/2022 01:50

Frankie2015 · 29/10/2022 21:33

So he does not help with the baby at all, he sleeps in a separate room since the baby was born and has done zero nights feed and barely helps during the day just to hold him if I need to quickly get something or have a wee say. Think selfish 1950s dad stereotype! That has had a big impact on our relationship but we are usually happy.
He's better with my older child but they are self sufficient and just want to play.
He never moans about me to my face and I didn't even get the vibe I was getting on his nerves to he honest. I hate confrontation but I'm so annoyed/upset about it. I do get the whinging to friends because of course I do it about him so I'm being a hypocrite really I guess, it was just so unexpected and nasty for no reason

Eh, why are you using what little time and energy to throw a party for him???
If this is going to eat away at you then bring it up and discuss re the WhatsApp conversation. But I'm a bit concerned re your wider relationship and other things you're not discussing. You say you don't like confrontation but you don't sound very happy, isn't that worth discussing? Discussions shouldn't be confrontations. Maybe suggest couples thearpy if you struggle to talk without it becoming an argument.

HP87 · 30/10/2022 02:09

Everyone is entitled to a moan but I'd be spiteful and not talk to him in the evenings because I'm childish like that. If he strikes up a conversation I'd be like oh can we just pause the TV as I'm finding it distracting.
Tbh my husband and I do now confirm we are paying attention before we start talking as we've had this issue too many times in the past. We generally pause the tv if it causing either of us a distraction. It's OK to not want to talk for 5/10 mins (I've been known to tell him "I've only just say down please give me 10 mins" as he walks through the door), but you do have to communicate it to each other.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2022 02:10

Let him think you are planning a surprise

"What shall I do for my birthday"

"oooh wait and see!"

Then do nothing. And when asked why you did nothing tell him that you are doing for him exactly as much as he does for his child.

Then kick the cunt out.

DrunkOnHim · 30/10/2022 02:51

He’s one of the lads. How cool. He doesn’t do women’s work of looking after children and slags her indoors off. Unattractive. Twat.

MistyRock · 30/10/2022 03:42

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2022 02:10

Let him think you are planning a surprise

"What shall I do for my birthday"

"oooh wait and see!"

Then do nothing. And when asked why you did nothing tell him that you are doing for him exactly as much as he does for his child.

Then kick the cunt out.

This.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2022 04:15

@PyongyangKipperbang That’s brilliant!

Lalliella · 30/10/2022 05:31

With the messages that’s probably just bravado having a laugh with his mates, being one of the “lads”. I whinge about DH to my friends so I wouldn’t be able to criticise him for that if I was in your place.

But the 1950s thing is a different problem altogether. He needs to be pulling his weight and he needs to be engaging with his kids. You have much more reason to be whinging about him. Talk to him.

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/10/2022 05:59

I would have to talk to him about it. It would play on my mind and make me feel on edge until I did. I agree with other posters saying he does not do his fair share of things so do not throw a party for him.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 30/10/2022 06:18

To be fair I don't think you can take the moral highground here and act like his behaviour is disgusting. I find it disgusting that you just decided to invade his privacy and go through his phone.

SlagathaChristie · 30/10/2022 06:26

I don't think him having a whinge on whatsapp is the problem, but him doing nothing to help with his baby or to support his knackered wife is. I think that's a very big problem. I think I would have poisoned my husband by now if he didn't help at all overnight, and I'm happy to do most of the waking.

Taillighttoobright · 30/10/2022 06:26

EmilyGilmoresSass · 30/10/2022 06:18

To be fair I don't think you can take the moral highground here and act like his behaviour is disgusting. I find it disgusting that you just decided to invade his privacy and go through his phone.

I think it’s reasonable to assume that you’re not going to get slagged off by your partner to his mates when just chatting about the nice day you’ve given the children. Her intentions were positive, her chatter (for which she was criticised) was positive… can you not see how completely the wind has been taken out of her sails? He’s happy to spend time on his phone bitching about her like a sulky little boy, but he’s not happy to engage her in happy chatter? He sounds like a nasty little ball of discontentment, and I think most people would be mortified to discover how little they are thought of by the person they have chosen to share their life with. It’s not about trying to occupy any moral high ground.

Branleuse · 30/10/2022 06:28

You cant unsee what you read.
If my dp went through my phone, he would see me telling one of my best friends some pretty sweary things about dp the other day.

Difference is, i was fairly justified and I also had it out with dp and we sorted it.

I think your dp is speaking about you with contempt when hes got no right to considering he doesnt help with the baby and you were just trying to talk in a nice way.

I def wouldnt be doing him a party

dudsville · 30/10/2022 06:35

I'm old school about this. I think a couple's first alliance should be to their partner. They should have each other's back first and foremost. For me this incudes how you speak about one another out of hearing. He could have said he was irritable because he was tired, but putting it on you was disrespectful. This does however seem to be a quality not commonly shared.

Teeturtle · 30/10/2022 06:50

I think the matters in your update are more upsetting than the whinge in the whats app group. I think you are blowing that out of proportion, surely everybody has a bit of a whinge about their spouse from time to time. I sometimes say things like “isn’t it annoying when your husband leaves things on the unit on top of the dishwasher rather than putting them in”. I would rate his comment similar to that.

AnuSTart · 30/10/2022 07:05

Are you his mother???

Wtaf.

He's a lazy arsehole, you do everything and you're organising a party for him and he criticises you to his mates.

In honesty I don't think the last one is so bad by itself. Most people do it. I don't as it feels like a betrayal but I get why people do. The other stuff makes it all seem like a waving red flag.

Think more of yourself and stop mothering him.

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2022 07:08

I'd have to have it out with him. I'd make it clear that I looked at his WhatsApp because you wanted to do something nice for him with the surprise party but he can fuck right off with that idea now.

Oh and tell him to step up as a father too. Lazy shit bag