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Original poster

My new date drinks too much

92 replies

shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 14:53

I've been seeing a guy for around 4 months and it's been going really well. Similar interests, same life goals etc. He's hardworking, kind and good fun

Except I think he drinks too much. In the last 4 weeks I've had 2 bouts of drunk messages (I am too old for this and find it juvenile and unattractive!) He goes out binge drinking with friends almost every weekend. When I go to his for a takeaway he cracks out a bottle of wine (which in itself I don't find odd but I haven't yet not seen him drink)

I do drink regularly, albeit not hugely and probably go on a night out 2-3 times a year maximum. We are both 28. He doesn't drink drive and it doesn't impact his work; they are regularly checked.

It's also impacting our sex life as he blames it for some issues he's had. I'm unconvinced alcohol is the issue so haven't pressed this too much.

I need to bring it up with him because I am close to ending it but I want to talk to him about it first. I don't know how to do this without sounding accusatory, which isn't my intention.

Any thoughts / suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Oh and namechange, Sistine chapel, Penis beaker etc Smile

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2022 14:54

Better men are available.

kitcat15 · 29/10/2022 14:57

Walk away now..
Find someone better

OnceYouKPop · 29/10/2022 14:57

Take this as a warning and find someone who doesn't drink too much

Rainallnight · 29/10/2022 14:57

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2022 14:54

Better men are available.

yep.

You’re only four months in and you’re young. Find someone else.

And what could he say that will reassure you?

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 14:58

It doesn't sound that unusual or unreasonable to have had 2 heavy nights in 8 weeks and to open a bottle of wine when enjoying a takeaway with a date.

I'm teetotal so have no skin in the game regarding alcohol consumption, but it sounds like you seem to ascribe some level or morality to your minimal drinking habits and are being quite judgemental of him.

Honestly I wouldn't talk to him and would end it. You think his socialising is immature, are judgemental about him and have sex life issues after 4 months. You're not compatible.

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 14:58

2 heavy nights out in 4 week that should have said.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 14:59

I need to bring it up with him

FFS, don't even bother. Trust me. Just end it and move on.

Floomobal · 29/10/2022 15:00

Honestly I wouldn't talk to him and would end it. You think his socialising is immature, are judgemental about him and have sex life issues after 4 months. You're not compatible.

Yep. This relationship is dead in the water

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 15:01

FFS, don't even bother. Trust me. Just end it and move on.
This with bells on.
If he wants to prioritise nights out with the lads then let him be.

Women aren't responsible for fixing men.

Original poster
shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 15:02

@LolaSmiles it is not my intention to ascribe some moral high ground to my minimal drinking habits at all, so I apologise if I came across that way.

OP posts:
J0CASTA · 29/10/2022 15:03

Don’t waste both your time talking about it. It’s his life to live how he chooses and he’s not going appreciate your input - it will just end in an argument.

Are you hoping he will say that he will cut down for your sake if you stay with him? That’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Just say it’s not working for you, you wish him all the best etc

miltonj · 29/10/2022 15:04

He's 28 so it's completely normal behaviour so I wouldn't discuss it with him in an it's an issue way. But If his lifestyle doesn't work with yours and in turns you off, just end it.

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 15:06

it is not my intention to ascribe some moral high ground to my minimal drinking habits at all, so I apologise if I came across that way
Ah right, apologies if I got the wrong end of the stick. It sounded like you drinking rarely was virtuous whereas his regular nights out are immature and juvenile.

You're best cutting your losses and finding someone who enjoys a similar lifestyle to you, and he'll be able to find someone who enjoys his lifestyle

catandcoffee · 29/10/2022 15:07

Do not knowingly continue a relationship with someone who drinks too much for your liking.

Some people won't have an issue with it but you do... can't say I blame you either.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/10/2022 15:07

Obviously the drunken texts are a bit much from a grown man but outside of that it doesn't seem entirely unusual for a young single bloke to go out with friends most weekends, and I think opening a bottle on a date is fairly standard unless you've expressed that you'd rather him not.

Regardless, it doesn't sound like he's right for YOU so chuck him back.

Givemeallthegin8 · 29/10/2022 15:15

Completely normal behavior in my circle !
myself & dh would have been out every weekend at 28! Would always open a bottle of wine with take away - probably because it’s a weekend.
we had our first baby at 29, stopped going out every weekend and now nearing our 40’s two children later would have 2/3 Mad nights out per year and have a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend ( as in 2/3 glasses on a Saturday night ).
You are obviously incompatible so break up with him but I don’t see anything wrong with his behavior

TomAllenWife · 29/10/2022 15:15

I'm goi g against the grain here but I met a guy who drinks a lot
I've had to change my lifestyle a bit to keep up

We are 4 years in now and I would say it rarely impacts our life.
Maybe 2 or 3 times stand out

BUT ..... he's kind, generous, fun, hard working, sociable, my dcs love him

So I overlook the 2 or 3 times in 4 years when he's been a dick (nothing abusive or cheating, just a nob)

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 15:18

Crap sex 4 months in? Hard no.

Calandor · 29/10/2022 15:21

You're obviously unhappy with it so let him go as he likely won't cut back.

But, I will say, you're 28 not 48. I'm 27 and most of my mates go out every weekend to events/clubs/gigs/pubs. Perfectly normal for young child free people imo.

Crimeismymiddlename · 29/10/2022 15:28

You are obviously uncomfortable with it, but at the age of 28 I too got shitfaced over the weekend-most of my friends did as well.
I would worry about it affecting you sex life more than anything-that’s a non negotiable for most people. It should babe plentiful and fantastic at four months in.

TomAllenWife · 29/10/2022 15:28

Oh didn't read the problem sex, that's not good 4 months in
LTB 😂

gelatogina · 29/10/2022 15:42

Now I’m older I would find this a huge turnoff, but in my twenties it would have been normal.

However it sounds like you aren’t compatible so it’s probably better to end it.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/10/2022 15:46

Needs to become an old boyfriend.

Fireflygal · 29/10/2022 15:51

He's 28 so it's completely normal behaviour so I wouldn't discuss it with him in an it's an issue way

Shame it's normal behaviour as for some people the binge drinking doesn't stop because they can't. It becomes a habit and they don't have an off button.

Many people over drink at Uni but by late 20s settle into social drinking, when children come along they can stop. Unfortunately a fair % can't stop even when they have children.

How does Op know which % this boyfriend is in? Her life will be a misery if he continues to binge.

Bad sex early on isn't something to hangaround for..so the 2 issues means he's not longterm.

BlueBar · 29/10/2022 15:52

I don't think someone in their 20s going out for drinks with friends every weekend and twice in 4 months sending drunken loved up messages to a newish gf (assuming they are affectionate) and sharing a bottle of wine over a takeaway is necessarily a problem or out of the ordinary, but if that's not what you want from a partner then it's a problem for you.

The sex issues are a problem this early on.