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Original poster

My new date drinks too much

92 replies

shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 14:53

I've been seeing a guy for around 4 months and it's been going really well. Similar interests, same life goals etc. He's hardworking, kind and good fun

Except I think he drinks too much. In the last 4 weeks I've had 2 bouts of drunk messages (I am too old for this and find it juvenile and unattractive!) He goes out binge drinking with friends almost every weekend. When I go to his for a takeaway he cracks out a bottle of wine (which in itself I don't find odd but I haven't yet not seen him drink)

I do drink regularly, albeit not hugely and probably go on a night out 2-3 times a year maximum. We are both 28. He doesn't drink drive and it doesn't impact his work; they are regularly checked.

It's also impacting our sex life as he blames it for some issues he's had. I'm unconvinced alcohol is the issue so haven't pressed this too much.

I need to bring it up with him because I am close to ending it but I want to talk to him about it first. I don't know how to do this without sounding accusatory, which isn't my intention.

Any thoughts / suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Oh and namechange, Sistine chapel, Penis beaker etc Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 15:54

Thanks for all replies so far. Your advice is much appreciated. He says the reason he struggles to finish is because of alcohol. But it happens after drinking a fairly small amount so I'm not convinced!

OP posts:
Original poster
shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 15:56

@Fireflygal actually I think this is what my biggest worry is - when the time comes for a family and growing up, he won't be able to. You've put it into words better than I could so thanks Smile his behaviour right now in terms of how he spends his weekends as a single man living alone isn't the issue, it's the quantity of alcohol I worry he will continue to consume longer term.

OP posts:
Charcy · 29/10/2022 15:57

shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 15:54

Thanks for all replies so far. Your advice is much appreciated. He says the reason he struggles to finish is because of alcohol. But it happens after drinking a fairly small amount so I'm not convinced!

Does he also like a bit of sniff?

An ex flame of mine would pair his nights out drinking with a g of coke and be unable to finish. Just a thought.

Personally, if you're having incompatibility issues this early on, put him back in the sea and move onwards. 😊

maranella · 29/10/2022 15:58

You're 28 OP. I assume you're are looking for a life partner. When doing this, you want someone who lives roughly the same way you do, which includes someone who has roughly the same attitude to drinking that you do. Some people who drink heavily in their 20s cut back a lot in their 30s (I did), but some don't. You shouldn't assume that he will.

gannett · 29/10/2022 15:59

When I was 28 I went out on all-night ragers with friends most weekends. Some all-weekend ones too.

That doesn't happen as much now I'm 39 but DP and I still send each other loved-up drunk messages on occasion!

Never been one to open a bottle of wine with a takeaway but that's because 99% of my takeaways have been ordered when too hungover to do anything else.

You don't need to have a talk with him. You're incompatible and it's only been 4 weeks. If you think you can change him, you won't. If you think you'll get used to his lifestyle, you won't. What would the purpose of the talk be? It's fine to be incompatible, it's fine for a fling to run its course after a few dates without it being anyone's fault.

Upwiththelark76 · 29/10/2022 16:00

i have to say at 28 he sounds like he’s having a good time ! however if it’s incompatible with what you want then I would end it now .

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 16:00

It's not the alcohol that's stopping him from finishing. I'm guessing he likes coke too.

mfasr · 29/10/2022 16:04

Walk away. Not worth it

Sarahcoggles · 29/10/2022 16:05

gelatogina · 29/10/2022 15:42

Now I’m older I would find this a huge turnoff, but in my twenties it would have been normal.

However it sounds like you aren’t compatible so it’s probably better to end it.

Exactly what I would say. I'm 55 and wouldn't have lasted beyond the first date in this relationship, but in my 20s it would have been different.

LeggyLinda · 29/10/2022 16:05

I don’t think he is being excessive personally. But, it’s affecting you so I would say you’re just incompatible.

He’s unlikely to change (or it’s not worth banking on it), and it sounds like you won’t and alcohol is a dealbreaker for you. Therefore, it’s probably for the best you end this now before you both end up hurt.

Cosycover · 29/10/2022 16:05

Hes 28 years old and has a drink with his friends on the weekends.

This is completely normal behaviour, no?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 16:06

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 16:00

It's not the alcohol that's stopping him from finishing. I'm guessing he likes coke too.

Or porn.

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 16:07

@MrsTerryPratchett it sounds like he only can't finish when he's had a drink

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2022 16:09

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 16:07

@MrsTerryPratchett it sounds like he only can't finish when he's had a drink

He's had a drink every time they've seen each other.

Ladybyrd · 29/10/2022 16:10

I wouldn't bring it up. You can either live with his drinking habits or you can't. There are plenty of men who don't drink to excess - better to date one of those than try to persuade this one to tailor his preferences to suit you. I don't think the latter will go well.

wackamole · 29/10/2022 16:12

I need to bring it up with him because I am close to ending it but I want to talk to him about it first.

What are you hoping for from this conversation? If it's just to end things on a good note/be polite and considerate/make a clean break without his trying to talk you out of it or asking a lot of questions, just say you've realised that the two of you are incompatible and it's not going to work out, no one's fault. Be firm that you've made up your mind and wish him well, then leave and don't look back.

If you're hoping he's going to agree to change, I really doubt he will especially to please someone he's only been seeing for four months. If he does agree, he likely won't follow through even if he genuinely means to try. If he coincidentally happens to have just discovered he'd like to reduce his drinking or stop altogether for himself, that's something he'll probably be more successful with outside of a relationship. And even if he drank less, there are other issues - the sexual incompatibility, for example, and the fact that you think he's not being honest about it (perhaps even in denial about it). None of this is great as a basis for a serious relationship.

Bobshhh · 29/10/2022 16:13

shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 15:56

@Fireflygal actually I think this is what my biggest worry is - when the time comes for a family and growing up, he won't be able to. You've put it into words better than I could so thanks Smile his behaviour right now in terms of how he spends his weekends as a single man living alone isn't the issue, it's the quantity of alcohol I worry he will continue to consume longer term.

Christ at 28 I was living my best life going out every weekend, drunk texting my boyfriend, sharing bottles of wine with him. At 34 I still enjoy all those things but doesn't mean I haven't grown up or am not responsible enough to start a family!

Original poster
shreddiesandmilk · 29/10/2022 16:15

Definitely doesn't do drugs, 100% certain - related to his line of work.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 29/10/2022 16:21

Going against the grain here

my dh drank a lot at that age. Had kids got into fitness and stopped. He grew out of it. So people can change. BUT I also know plenty of people who didn’t. You could mention it as nothing lost and you get your answer

Ladybyrd · 29/10/2022 16:22

*Hes 28 years old and has a drink with his friends on the weekends.

This is completely normal behaviour, no?*

So is not getting shitfaced at the weekends too though. Each to their own but I think they'd both be better off with someone who shares their attitude to drinking.

Lopilo · 29/10/2022 16:23

You don’t seem compatible. I don’t think you should have a word with him about it though. Neither of you have done anything wrong. You are just wrong for each other.

Mylakk · 29/10/2022 16:26

OnceYouKPop · 29/10/2022 14:57

Take this as a warning and find someone who doesn't drink too much

Honestly, this ^^

I wish I could go back 20 years and give myself the same advice.

brainstories568 · 29/10/2022 16:31

I find it odd to hear people saying that "this is what 28 year olds do" when that's not what any of my friends (or my husband and I) were doing at 28. When we were at uni and in our early 20s, yes, but by the age of 28 we were all mostly home owners (in London, so relatively big mortgage repayments) with professional careers, engaged or already married to long term partners and starting to talk about when to start a family. I don't think we are particularly conservative in this "lifestyle choice" and I can see why the OP wants something which isn't that at 28, particularly if she's looking for a life long partner with whom to start a family etc.

Your sticking issue is the fact that he still seems to want to live a single lifestyle. If you go out for dinner with friends or together etc then that's different, but from what you've said he doesn't seem ready to make changes to a committed relationship like you want him to where he doesn't just go out with the lads at the weekend, get drunk and then presumably is hungover the following day. Whilst you say you have similar goals etc are you also on a similar timeline? Your post suggests not, so I'd cut your losses and move on.

Clarinet1 · 29/10/2022 16:32

As others have said, this is not so
much about whether he goes out with his friends and drinks too
much or whether you’re too straight-laced, it’s about your attitudes and lifestyles not matching and compatibility. After four months, you are perfectly within your rights to say that the relationship isn’t working for you and wish him well.

DanglyThings · 29/10/2022 16:40

Oh god, I would hate this @shreddiesandmilk Not because I'm some puritanical tee totaler, but just that I don't enjoy being around drunk people, or those who live for the binge weekend. It's just not me, and I wouldn't be attracted to anyone like this. If the sex isn't great either I'd say get out now. It's not worth 'bringing it up' with him, as I don't think he particularly needs to change, that's just who he is. You don't need to change either, so I would advise ending it and finding someone more compatible who you can have great sex with. You're so young! Don't settle for this.