My new date drinks too much

[shreddiesandmilk]

I've been seeing a guy for around 4 months and it's been going really well. Similar interests, same life goals etc. He's hardworking, kind and good fun

Except I think he drinks too much. In the last 4 weeks I've had 2 bouts of drunk messages (I am too old for this and find it juvenile and unattractive!) He goes out binge drinking with friends almost every weekend. When I go to his for a takeaway he cracks out a bottle of wine (which in itself I don't find odd but I haven't yet not seen him drink)

I do drink regularly, albeit not hugely and probably go on a night out 2-3 times a year maximum. We are both 28. He doesn't drink drive and it doesn't impact his work; they are regularly checked.

It's also impacting our sex life as he blames it for some issues he's had. I'm unconvinced alcohol is the issue so haven't pressed this too much.

I need to bring it up with him because I am close to ending it but I want to talk to him about it first. I don't know how to do this without sounding accusatory, which isn't my intention.

Any thoughts / suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Oh and namechange, Sistine chapel, Penis beaker etc

@MrsTerryPratchett good point, well made

@MrsTerryPratchett "hard no" - that's probably the issue in the bedroom after a quantity of wine/beer 😂

I think it’s very normal behaviour for a lot of people in their 20s. If you find it unattractive I would talk to him about it but he may be perfectly happy with his current lifestyle as he’s young

If you are not happy with this end it,

He says the reason he struggles to finish is because of alcohol

This could be true but it begs the question, why he still consumes enough alcohol for it to be a frequent problem. Taking what he says at face value, why aren’t you more angry about this? The apparent fix to his performance issues is less alcohol but this appears to be a sacrifice too far. He’s either lying about the cause of his performance issues or he’s incredibly selfish. Neither are qualities you should be hanging around for.

Save yourself future grief by ending this now, the version of him that doesn’t have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol isn’t waiting around the corner. It’s been four months woman, the whole point of dating is to see if you are compatible in significant areas.

I'm 34 and 6 years ago my friends and I still did a lot of partying. Its calmed down a bit now, but in my social circle at 28 he would have been completly normal. I've ended it after a couple of months with guys who like a party a bit too much (eg massive coke fiend) and also ended it with guys who were not very sociable/didn't enjoy nights out as we weren't compatible. Don't try and change the poor guys lifestyle, end the relationship and find someone who you gel better with!

@girlmom21 

@Milkand2sugarsplease I rather think she'd prefer a hard yes.

Definitely sounds like an incompatibility

@MrsTerryPratchett 😂
As an aside I did wonder about porn but that's hard to bring up! (No pun intended )

All the puns! They just keeping coming (pun) up (pun).

But seriously, if porn is hard to broach, and the drinking is a little too much, maybe move on.

"I need to bring it up with him because I am close to ending it but I want to talk to him about it first. I don't know how to do this without sounding accusatory, which isn't my intention."

Actually, you don't need to bring it up with him! Because what you're saying is that you would allow yourself to be talked out of dumping him.

I see so many women here who feel they need a 'good' reason to end a relationship, who seem to believe that their preference is not enough, they have to be able to explain to their about-to-be-dumped in a way that said dumpee will go 'righty-ho, I absolutely see why you're dumping me and of course you are right'.

Noooooooooooooooooo!

Stop tying yourself in knots over dumping this bloke. The relationship is not working for you and that's enough to end it. You don't need to give him a scorecard on past performance, or supply tips on how he could improve for the next girlfriend. Just dump him and move on.

He's too much of a gamble.
As previous poster said there's better men available. This one sounds a little broken.

End it. You're not compatible and it will only get worse.

I had the same issue with an ex and it dragged on too long. After a while he started disappearing for a couple of days after a big drinking session as he thought I was judgmental so just avoided me. Then he started not turning up when we'd made arrangements because he'd had a big night out the night before and couldn't be arsed to make the effort for me. (He was also shit in bed).

Re the drunk messages - I used to get those plus phone calls. I told him it had to stop as I used to be up for work at 4:45am and he used to wake me up calling. He stopped and I later found out he was calling and messaging other women instead 🙄.

Honestly? You're posting on here and you've only been together 4 months. What does that tell you?

Get out while you still can.

It doesn't sound that excessive to me, I just don't think you're compatible.

Oh just get rid. Save yourself time and effort.

Exactly this
Don't even waste breath on a conversation

Op, trust your instinct. If you married him and had children and posted on MN, you would be told "why did you have children with him when there were red flags at the start of the relationship"

Trust your feelings

You're 28 and you have two or three nights out a YEAR? MAXIMUM? is this a typo? Do you mean a week?

Neither of your drinking habits at wrong at your age/stage of life. But they are incompatible. After only 4 months dating, I wouldn't change my social life to keep a new boy/girlfriend happy. As you're the one that's unhappy with the situation, I think it's up to you to walk away.

You are scandalised by that? Really?

You know people have ways to enjoy themselves without alcohol and without going on nights out, right?

And you have no concerns about binge drinking several times a week? None whatsoever?

Two or three nights out a year is sad. No one said it has to include booze

Doesn't sound like he wants to settle down and have cosy weekends in, drunk messaging is silly behaviour, drink affecting the sex everytime is very annoying, he's just in a different life stage/maturity to you, at 28 you are young but not that young, it's an age when a lot of people are starting to think about settling down and he may or may not grow out of it. Perhaps it's just a short term relationship and it's starting to run it course. Don't waste your young years waiting for him to change, I'd look to move on.

@Stripeyrug sorry I meant drunk nights with alcohol. I have many more social events than that but admittedly I work my arse off working shifts in the NHS so that does tend to curb my social life somewhat