Was I too quick to move him school

[Rooree2609]

Our oldest ds is 6 and until recently had settled well into school life and loved school

We had two choices when it came to which school he should go to when he started and we picked the one which was joined to his nursery despite us actually feeling the other school was better ( better catchment area etc) but he can take a while to settle so we felt nursery move to school best for him

For the first year all went well for the most part and he loved it and grew in confidence

However after summer we had a incident in which he fell in the playground and came home with a large bump on his head his nose burst open knees and hands cut and with gravel ingrained to them
My DH took him straight back to his teacher and asked what happened to be told oh he fell
We know the policy in the area is any bump or injury to the face we should of been called so I was unhappy we didn't get a call and he was left in that state in school
I phoned and spoke to the head who instead of asking if DS was ok got very defensive and said no way would her staff not have followed guidelines and she would need to get the adult side of the story

Asked me if I was sure he was hurt in school or if he was exaggerating his injuries
I was shocked by her attitude and explained his injuries where quite visible for all to see
I did also suggest if this was her poor attitude I'd complain further which looking back was probably nail In the coffin

She did phone back a day later and apologised and blamed it on a new staff member but it was clear even when she apologized the attitude from herself to me wasn't pleasent

We considered moving him at this point but he was so happy we left

Weeks later he was asked to present an award at assembly which was great as he is shy so we where very happy he wanted to do this
But after this things changed he became withdrawn and started having nightmares
Didn't want to go to the school disco etc
He eventually told us 4 boys in the year above where calling him posh / posho , a little idiot and other names plus chasing him daily , pushing into him. Before we got the chance to speak to the head my ds decided to stick up for himself and punched one of the boys ( he does do martial arts so was quite vocal that it was a defense move ) at this point we went to speak to the head

She dismissed the bullying and said the boys simply liked our Ds and where following him/ chasing him to play with him and bullying wasn't a problem in her school
When I mentioned the name calling and she said calling him posho was playground banter and what did he expect

When we said this wasn't a good enough response she told us if we weren't happy with the school we should leave

The whole meeting was just shocking and I left in tears, DH was furious and wanted to move him asap
So we contacted the other school and went to see it etc and I agreed to moving him
And yes the other school is better , the catchment is better , the class sizes etc all better
But I now have a little boy who is heartbroken despite the bullying he loved his class and was popular in his year and he tells me daily he misses his friends and asks to go back to his old school

The kids at his new school seem keen to include him but he doesn't seem to want to engage much and tells us he doesn't play with anyone at break

It has only been a couple of weeks but I feel terrible
Did I react to quick by moving him ? I just didn't see how we can could keep him at his old school when the heads attitude was so poor but obviously he doesn't understand that

No you've done the right thing. Even if he did settle back in the school aren't keen to admit or address bullying and think its acceptable that your son is called names. He will settle in to his new school, maybe arrange some play dates with his new friends to help with this? But you have absolutely done the right thing by moving him, it may not look like it right now but this school will surely be able to support him, and you, better if any issues come up later on.

If the head claims that "bullying isn't a problem in their school" that alone is a massive red flag.

You did the right thing, the head teacher at the other school sounds terrible. I think it would have just gotten worse and worse at that other school.

It can work out like that. The head doesn't sound great but maybe you didn't deal well with some of these issues. It is hard to say. Yes they should have told you he fell. However they perhaps cleaned him up and dried his tears and the call was missed. He told your dh he had fell in the playground so you did know. I am not sure I would have gone to complain to the head. I perhaps would have just asked in the office. You could have just said please could you call me next time. Job done.

He punched another child in the playground. He would have been in trouble. He needed to tell an adult if he was being annoyed or chased. There are other options. You went straight for playing down his actions to complaining about the bullying. Anyway he will probably settle at the new school. Give it time.

No you didn't. Any head that would react like that is awful. Any school that says they don't have bullying is lying or worse unaware. Bullying will always happen to some extent (repeated name calling etc not full on physical assaults) so its how the school deals with it that's important and that's coming from a teacher.

He will settle. Can you arrange playdates with his old friends so he can still see them?

I would suggest that when he says he hasn't played with anyone/feels sad etc you don't let him see that you feel worried/guilty but be positive eg 'its normal to take time to settle, you'll get to know everyone soon' or similar. Rather than 'oh no you poor thing that's terrible'. Both of my boys of similar ages will say they didn't play with anyone but I know they are both pretty sociable. So when they say 'I didnt

You've definitely done the right thing. We have this issue at dds school and the only time it gets resolved is if the two parents co-operate. The school deny it but the odd occasion you do get the bully's parents sorting the bully out. Other times the parents try for over a year and end up removing their child anyway.

Was it bullying or children being unkind? Both need tackling but I do find children and parents are very quick to call bullying when it’s happened once. If that’s the case all of our children are bullies as all children say unkind things at times. Obviously some more than others. Again, both need tackling and if it continues, yes it’s bullying. I just think calling it bullying straight away minimises it for those who are being bullied.
When time is taken to investigate into these incidents, they are rarely accurate and often the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
If it is as you describe above, you did the right thing. I would be interested in hearing the HTs side though. Yes, I am a HT, so bringing my own issues to the table, but the amount of things parents accuse the school/staff/me of are rarely fully accurate. I find that when they are complaining to others or read their Facebook posts, as is human nature, they never tell the full story.
I do hope your little boy settles in to his new school. It is early days and it does take some time.

@cansu no they didn't clean him up if you read my post he came home with gravel caked into his cuts which we had to clean up and no they didn't call us
The head admitted that the staff member that day new and just gave him a wet wipe and told him to go and play which isn't a apporiate way to deal with a 6 year old with a golf ball sized lump on their head and blood coming from their nose

And he did tell the adult in the playground the boys where picking on him and was repeatedly told it was just play. He punched the boy as the boy grabbed him at the throat and to be honest I'm glad he did stick up for himself in such a situation
What else is a 6 year old to do when no trusted adult is intervening hence why I went to the school at this point incase he wasn't communicating the situation effectively
The adult admitted he knew the boys where following him but presumed it was play

Sorry not sure why that sent too soon! I was going to say that for my boys 'i didn't play with anyone' can mean all sorts including 'Im busy playing and can't be bothered to think about this' or 'im tired and can't be bothered to remember and talk to you about this' or 'i ran around in a group of kids but didn't really notice/can't remember exactly who'. So take it with a pinch of salt...

You did the right thing. I recently moved my son from a dreadful school against his wishes. He was unhappy and ambivalent but after a full term he is thriving.
I also didn’t move my eldest years ago because she was vehemently against the idea. If only I could turn back the clock. Now she is older (and has finished school) she also wishes I had taken charge and moved her too 🙁.

Trust me. You may not feel like it but you've done the right thing and DS will get better at his new school.

We had a similar situation with a head when my now teens were being physically bullied. DD had their dress ripped, head smacked off walls, told I was a whore, the little leader of this gang of thugs even walked past me back to his classroom after assembly, and in front of his teacher and the deputy head called me a whore, a slut and said his dad was going to murder me.

According to school that was just silly boys. The final straw was DS running across the playground to meet DD from the door of their classroom, and one of the other little shits in the gang punched him full force to the ground and if it wasn't for the actions of a fellow parent who was nearby, he raised his foot to stamp on DS' head. DS was a quarter of the size of this fat thug and was bruised do badly. He refused to go to school for a week.
Schools attitude? Apparently, I should not have run over and shouted at the boy to apologise or to a teacher who stood there and did nothing. It "wasn't my place" and they were considering banning me from pick up. This was said to the parent who grabbed him to stop him stamping on DS as well. The boy wasn't punished as I was told he "doesn't know any better".

It took months to find a school to move to and we home educated for that time.

DD at first in the new school would jump and run from the classroom if anyone raised their voice. She was genuine petrified.

But after a half term they both made friends and it was the best decision I ever made.

After they left, the boy who punched DS broke the arm of a boy in the playground. He was allowed to run riot.

You’ve done the right thing. He will take a little while to settle but you’ve got the next 6 years away from that awful school now.

I don't think it sounds like you rushed into a decision at all, it sounds quite considered to me. You weren't happy with how things were going so you did something about it.

He will,settle in at his new school and it's done now anyway. Try to keep the other parts of his life consistent at the moment.

It's possible that he is blaming himself, for want of a better phrase, for the move so that may be why he isn't adjusting,

@Strictly1 I would say this was bullying. I'm quite relaxed about the general tales my children tell and would usually say oh just ignore it
But these little boys grabbed my DS by the throat , pushed him down the stairs ( he came home with his back black and blue) told him they would ' kick his head in' which is a phrase my DS would have never heard so I was shocked when he came out with it

Plus the change in him when this started eg night terrors , really withdrawn wasn't typical of just a bit of general kids being kids

I actually spoke to his teacher first who suggested I go to the head as she needed to know the extent

All I was looking for was for her to say she would look into it / talk to the boys etc not flatly deny it was happening.

A golf ball sized lump on the head of a 6 yr old should have been taken to hospital, surely?!

I moved my children halfway through Y1. They soon adjusted and were fine. Lots of children joined their new school each year and they all settled in and made friends. Children of that age soon settle.

It's horrible seeing your child upset but he'll be fine. I would have moved him too. In fairness, I would have moved him after seeing him with horrible injuries and a teacher seemingly unable to follow the most basic care. I'd say that's an enormous safeguarding fail if his injuries were as you describe. Shocking that any adult would have left them untreated!!

You dud the right thing, sometimes if the head and you don't connect and you don't trust them anyway it is best. In this case it seems clear cut the head failed your child and he would be seen as the bully from now on due to the hitting. It's unusual as in my experience hitting is not good but primary teachers and heads are usually good at getting the full story and understand why. My eldest has been known to hit out and the story from school always includes why he was wound up and acknowledge this, without taking away responsibility for hitting. He is a dick sometimes but kids do love to wind each other up especially if they are easy to trigger and get in trouble. Usually the teachers are wise to these kids who get told off too.

It sounds like moving schools was the right decision.

It’s normal for it to take time to settle into a new school, it’s a big change and it’s only been a few weeks.

Did you discuss moving schools with him beforehand? It sounds like it may have been a surprise to him.
Hopefully with more time, he'll settle in.

@kittensinthekitchen yes we did discuss it but our youngest DS arrived early the week of the move and ended up in NICU so a complete overload for my poor DS

@SpidersAreShitheads we did have him checked that evening but soft tissue injury apparently it was good it was swollen outwards

He actually still has a tiny bump where it was though so it really was a bad fall

Hold your nerve op!

Your ds is probably feeling as thought he "failed" at his last school and probably wants to go back to "succeed".

The school sounds appalling and he will be much happier (eventually) in his new school.

Remind him he did nothing wrong.

I moved my youngest when he was 7 and was absolutely terrified I'd done the right thing. Lots of his problems are still there but having a supportive Head, kind teachers and a strong school ethos of caring has allowed him to thrive.

The wrong thing...

@Minimalme yes he is defiantly blaming himself

He has said he wishes he didn't tell me about the bad boys.

I've been clear it is absolutely not his fault and it's mum and dad's choice to move him as this is a better school etc

We had parents night just before he left and he got a great report so I keep reminding him he was doing great etc

Fingers crossed he starts to settle soon

I would never trust a head who said bullying isn’t a problem in their school.

Hugely dismissive.

She sounded awful.

Stick with it. Ds will settle.