Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I “callous and uncaring”?

119 replies

HolidayJinn · 27/10/2022 15:35

My neighbour gets shopping every week from 3 different supermarkets for an elderly couple on our road because they are v particular about their brands of certain things eg only M&S meat but veg must be from Morrisons and bread has to be from the big Saino’s in store bakery. I don’t know exactly why they don’t do their own shopping. It started during lockdown 1 but for some reason is still continuing. The couple still go out and about - the man drives and the woman also goes into town on the bus.

Neighbour is going on holiday for 6 weeks over Christmas to NZ and couple have asked if I’ll get their shopping in. I’ve said I don’t mind getting a few bits but I only go to Tesco and don’t have time to go all over the place. Oh. My. God. They’re acting like I’ll see them starve through the winter. They called me callous and uncaring! I just don’t have time with a full time job and 3 children.

Would you do this? Whyyyy is my neighbour still doing their shopping after 2.5 years?

OP posts:
Cw112 · 27/10/2022 22:26

I think you've been fair to say you can do it but on your own terms.

2bazookas · 27/10/2022 22:43

The crazy "callous and uncaring" accusation would GUARANTEE no shopping for them at all. That is sheer manipulation/coercion.

They're vampires, they will suck you dry. I bet their other mug is thoroughly glad of a perfect excuse to break the cycle.

2bazookas · 27/10/2022 22:44

You should talk to their shopper and find out what other burdens they've forced on her.

notmyrealmoniker · 28/10/2022 10:10

I'd just laugh my head of at the absurdity.

shiningstar2 · 28/10/2022 10:17

The expectation of your neighbours is far too high, even if they genuinely can't shop themselves for some reason. I get my 91 year old mother's main shopping with my own fortnightly delivery. In between I ring her if I'm going food shopping so can get more fresh things or to any top up/forgotten items. I say where I am going ...marks and Spencer ...Tesco ext. Works for us.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/10/2022 10:21

2bazookas · 27/10/2022 22:43

The crazy "callous and uncaring" accusation would GUARANTEE no shopping for them at all. That is sheer manipulation/coercion.

They're vampires, they will suck you dry. I bet their other mug is thoroughly glad of a perfect excuse to break the cycle.

I've never worked out why you won't do something for me so I'm going to insult you so you change your mind and do what I want is supposed to work. I mean, it might be an age thing but my response to being called callous would be 'OK then' and no further engagement. Perhaps I'm just immune from being made to feel guilty.

BadLad · 28/10/2022 10:22

This is the problem with martyrdom - it creates entitled pains in the arse. The elderly couple has started to take Doormat's martyrdom for granted and now think the world revolves around them and can't understand why they aren't too of everybody else's priorities too.

IndiGlowie · 28/10/2022 10:25

Get NONE of it ! Once you start getting just a bit of it then you are on the slippery slope .

IndiGlowie · 28/10/2022 10:29

Do you think your mug neighbour who does their shopping has suggested YOU as the person to do their shopping when they go on holiday.

lifeinthehills · 28/10/2022 10:30

I would just say, "I'm sorry but that's not a commitment I can make." You were very kind to offer to help them out in a way that worked for you. Now I'd tell them that I am obviously not the right person to do this for them, as I can't meet their needs.

Schnooze · 28/10/2022 10:36

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 27/10/2022 16:18

Yeah, like hell would I be doing this for them. YANBU @HolidayJinn

I won't do anything for anyone on a regular basis. Now and again/in an emergency yes. Like I will give a lift in an emergency, yes. Regular basis. No. No way.

People take advantage, take the piss, mug you off. Had it happen in the past, it happens no more. I have no issue whatsover saying no.

Your neighbours are taking the piss out of the other neighbours. What an absolute cheek. You need to say 'no I won't do it. You feel free to do it as long as you want, but I won't be doing it.' No excuses, no reasons, just no.

Me and DH have actually had several people in our street - who are perfectly capable themselves - say to us 'feel free to run your mower over our lawn heh heh heh.' Grin And 'when you've finished your weeding, don't feel bad about doing ours ha ha ha...' Grin

One man even said to us this summer 'our Jen' (a new-ish neighbour we have spoken to briefly twice in 6 months,) 'she isn't really into gardening. She won't mind if you mow her lawn a couple of times a month and pull any weeds out.'

Won't mind. FUCK. OFF! Hmm Some people are utterly shameless. I just said 'our garden is enough work for us. If she can't do it, she needs to hire someone.' He just looked most puzzled that we said no.

They didn’t look most puzzled because you said no - they looked puzzled because you took them seriously!

They were in fact joking, hence the he he’s and were trying to have a neighbourly laugh with you. They had no notion that you’d actually do it.

NotMyDayJob · 28/10/2022 10:54

"lol cf neighbours, I don't even have time to get my own shopping from three different supermarkets. I've seen you're still out and about in the car though, so maybe you can pick your own stuff up next time"

I'd probably gently ask doormat neighbour why she is doing this, there's always the chance she likes her meat from mand s, veg from morrisons and bread from big sainsbos same as them and she is actually just getting a few bits with her weekly shop(s). Or she's going abroad for 6 weeks to get out of it. If that's the case, she might appreciate someone telling her that's ok.

Bestcatmum · 28/10/2022 10:56

That's nuts and I wouldn't be having any of it. If they are so fussy then they can do their own shopping. Say no.

DismantledKing · 28/10/2022 10:57

Keyansier · 27/10/2022 15:40

Why don't you mind your own business? If you're that interested in finding out why, then question your neighbour about it - they're the one that agrees to do it. They could be getting paid for all you know and need the extra money.

There’s always one

Crackof · 28/10/2022 10:58

Keyansier · 27/10/2022 15:40

Why don't you mind your own business? If you're that interested in finding out why, then question your neighbour about it - they're the one that agrees to do it. They could be getting paid for all you know and need the extra money.

Actual fucking LOL. The irony.

Crackof · 28/10/2022 11:00

And who on earth voted that you are callous?? This couple of oap freeloaders probably. They can get their stuff delivered any time they like.

Crackof · 28/10/2022 11:02

HolidayJinn · 27/10/2022 20:26

Fairly sure Doormat Neighbour isn’t getting paid for this. She’s also similarly busy with two kids and job and husband working abroad! Maybe she just doesn’t know how to get out of it having already said yes.

I can’t think of a nice way to ask why they can’t do their own shopping while Doormat Neighbour is abroad. Or ever, really.

It's not a nasty question. It's just a question.

ilovearainyday · 28/10/2022 11:09

I think the happy middle ground is to tell them you go to Tesco and you're happy to pick up some bits from there but you're not chasing all over town to get a particular type of bread! Are they online? You can perhaps introduce them to the joys of online deliveries.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 28/10/2022 11:16

Neighbours are CFs. Being old has nothing to do with it. Stop with the fucking ageist posts.

Anon778833 · 28/10/2022 11:18

Clearly, YANBU. You’re nice enough to say that you’ll pick up a few bits for them. And they want you to go to 3 different supermarkets to cater to their fussy, ridiculous behaviour. Absolutely no!

Brefugee · 28/10/2022 11:22

I can’t think of a nice way to ask why they can’t do their own shopping while Doormat Neighbour is abroad. Or ever, really.

you don't have to. You can say: i can either get you a few things while i'm in Tesco, on my terms and to my schedule, or i can't help you. And that is it.
And have a word with Ms Doormat and tell her to pack it in if it's too much for her.

SeasonFinale · 28/10/2022 11:47

Keyansier · 27/10/2022 15:40

Why don't you mind your own business? If you're that interested in finding out why, then question your neighbour about it - they're the one that agrees to do it. They could be getting paid for all you know and need the extra money.

They are making it her business to expect her to do it for 6 weeks free of charge. Did you even read the OP

WhoooohMatron · 28/10/2022 11:50

Entitled CFs. I'd not be helping at all after that comment. Suggest home delivery or click and collect, beggars can't be choosers.

Iloveacurry · 28/10/2022 11:57

They’re being ridiculous. If she’s off out on the bus and he goes out in his car, why on earth can’t they get their own shopping?

NotMyDayJob · 28/10/2022 11:59

ilovearainyday · 28/10/2022 11:09

I think the happy middle ground is to tell them you go to Tesco and you're happy to pick up some bits from there but you're not chasing all over town to get a particular type of bread! Are they online? You can perhaps introduce them to the joys of online deliveries.

She offered them the happy middle ground and then they called her callous!

Swipe left for the next trending thread