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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop talking to my ex/casual fling/friend?!

79 replies

LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 14:26

March 2021, I got chatting to a much older man online. We got on really well and we spoke for around 2 weeks. We then decided to meet for a walking date as it was lockdown. The weather was absolutely horrible so he asked me to go to his instead. I was nervous as Ive never been to someones house for a 1st date before and it also felt wrong with-it being lockdown. We had a great 1st date, he cooked an amazing meal and we watched a movie, listened to music, had lots of laughs and then I got a taxi home - nothing MORE happened.

We then had a few more dates and then slept with each other. We both agreed it would never go anywhere with our ages but we liked each others company - it was fun! This lasted 4 weeks.

We stopped being in contact and then a few months later, I bumped into him. We swapped numbers. On texting one day, he said he hadn't been out of the house in days and was feeling sluggish. I said he was more than welcome to come along on my dog walk as I was going out for about 2 hours. He agreed. We both enjoyed each other's company, so it became a thing - we met for walks almost weekly/fornightly with my dog. Since these walks, I have never been to his house again, we havent been anywhere else together and we have purely been friends.

Anyway, my current BF of 7 months. when we started dating, my dog walks with my friends decreased. I've been honest with my BF, I've told him the history of me and this guy. He was fine with it. Now, he has such a big issue with it. He cannot understand why I slept with someone of his age. He also keeps comparing how I spoke to my friend for 2 weeks before we sleeping together whereas, me and my BF spoke for 2 months (I wasnt ready to date). Ive said I would keep my distance with this friend as its so dramatic and I cant belive all the fuss over a 5 week "fling" from 1.5 years ago.

But BF cant understand why I want to still be his friend, he keeps demanding to know reasons. When I cant justify why, he says I miss him, I am affectionate and what we had was seedy. He said he doesnt want to tell me what to do but if my friendship with this person becomes a problem, he will walk away. I've told him I will distance myself until it cools over as I dont want us to end but he keeps telling me that he doesnt want that and I should do what I want to do.

I am so confused :(

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 15:36

BUMP

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 27/10/2022 15:44

LTB. Seven months in and he can't cope with your sexual past, which is absolutely none of his business. It's a red flag for controlling behaviour.

PankhurstismySuffregette · 27/10/2022 15:48

None of your bfs business. Past is the past. This is why you shouldn’t discuss it. Your bf sounds like a jealous douche. Frankly I would dump him, he’ll only get worse.

something2say · 27/10/2022 15:51

It's not a good sign. I'd say that to him. 'The issue here is actually your response to my choices.'

Take it from there.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 15:52

You seem to be going along with what each of these 2 men want, & totally abandoning your own agency.

You did not have to go over to First Guy's house on a first date. (In fact it was madness, but here you are safe & sound so hurrah). You felt nervous, & instead of listening to yourself, you did what the man wanted.

You did not have to give Current Man chapter & verse about First Man. The details of your fling are simply none of his business. It can't feel good to have him poring over every aspect & judging you for it - but you not only handed him that ammunition, you are passively allowing him to verbally bully you about it.

Any man who felt entitled to inform me that he viewed one of my past flings as "seedy" would no longer be allowed to enjoy my company.
Why don't you tell Current Man that you have been thinking about his comments, & have decided to finish with him, as you think very much less of him now he has shown you how controlling, judgemental & small minded he is?

BattenburgDonkey · 27/10/2022 15:55

Dump the jealous controlling boyfriend before you waste anymore time on him.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/10/2022 15:56

What KettrickenSmiled said.

Plus you broke lockdown rules so, on the subject of agency, suggest you accept your own responsibility for that.

Electricstar · 27/10/2022 15:56

Do you still talk to the older guy? When did you go on your dog walk? How often do you message him or call him if you still talk to older guy?

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 15:58

I havent met older guy in probably 2 months as weve been busy. I havent messaged him in weeks. When we have last messaged each other, its been funny pictures or links.

OP posts:
Electricstar · 27/10/2022 15:59

Was you still friends with older guy when you started relationship with older guy? Or has BF all of a sudden acted like this

Electricstar · 27/10/2022 16:00

*when you started relationship with current BF

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:00

Yeah, me and my BF starting seeing each other 7 months ago. Me and older guy probably got in touch last summer with each other and it has been strictly friendship only.

OP posts:
Electricstar · 27/10/2022 16:03

I think it is a difficult one because you were friends with older guy before getting in a relationship with current partner
It’s not like older guy has suddenly come back into your life
Being honest is there 100% no feelings here on your part for older guy?

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:11

Absolutely! 100% no feelings, none whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:17

When we do go for walks, we chat about work, what we are both doing at the weekend, if he has been on any dates (he usually has funny stories), he chats about his son - it's stuff like that. We havent once flirted, complimented each other, spoke about our time together or anything. I actually hate when my BF chats about it because I find it weird to think about "older man" in that way. He is my friend, and a much older one at that, I couldnt imagine ever being with him ever again!!

OP posts:
User0610134057 · 27/10/2022 16:17

Anyone else curious about the age of OP and Older Guy? Or just me 🤷‍♀️

Tandora · 27/10/2022 16:18

Your boyfriend is being nasty, creepy and controlling. Your past fling is none of his business. You are not his property. These are major red flags and I’d run.

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:20

I'm embarrassed about the age :(

I'm 30 and he is 58...

OP posts:
Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:21

He was basically chancing his luck last year messaging someone much younger and I was bored and found him interesting...

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/10/2022 16:23

OP you have nothing to be ashamed of! You were both consenting adults. Nothing wrong with it at all xx

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:30

It was a bit of fun!
If it was a 4 year or 4 months relationship then I would maybe understand
He keeps saying that because it was casual it could easily happen again
But it really wouldnt, I DO NOT think about him in that way, at all. I have such a sore head arguing about this today, all for 4 weeks

OP posts:
Electricstar · 27/10/2022 16:31

I’m going to go with YANBU

Your current BF must of known about older guy from the beginning of your relationship. If he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you due to the fact you were still friends with someone you have slept with a few times, he should of decided that before being with you for 7 months and suddenly getting funny about it.

If you had just suddenly started texting older man and meeting up with him for walks I would have to be honest and say I’d understand current bf being a bit jealous but this isn’t the case.

I think it is very harsh for him to dig at your friendship and call this man seedy when from what you’re saying he seems like a lovely man.

I think ultimately your current boyfriend isn’t going to be happy if you continue friendship with this guy, it’s not fair but I think you may have to way up if you’d rather be with current boyfriend or be friends with older guy.

I think it current boyfriend is already showing his controlling side and saying you’re affectionate to someone you’re saying you aren’t, then I would really consider if you would want to continue a relationship with him

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:34

I dont see it as picking older guy over BF but I'm thinking... where will it stop?
Will there be issues with my male friends in years to come?
100% BF knew about older guy very early on.

OP posts:
Electricstar · 27/10/2022 16:35

You shouldn’t have to choose, but I think that is what current partner wants you to do. I think he is basically arguing with you because he wants you to say that you’ll cut older guy out

It doesn’t sound like he trusts you OP

Original poster
LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:37

and older guy is a lovely person. He has helped me with work stuff, he is a qualified trainer and helped me improve my training i was going to deliver in my work. He offered to come into my work and do an industry talk. When I dated someone after him, he told me he was happy for me. It ended and I was upset about it. He invited me on a huge walk (with my dog) and intentionally got us lost so It would take my mind off things. I really appreciated that. When I have told BF this when I've been asked why I am in touch with him, I'm told that I speak about him affectionately and in a caring way as if I admire him (?!?!?!?).

OP posts: