Stop talking to my ex/casual fling/friend?!

[LastChristmass]

March 2021, I got chatting to a much older man online. We got on really well and we spoke for around 2 weeks. We then decided to meet for a walking date as it was lockdown. The weather was absolutely horrible so he asked me to go to his instead. I was nervous as Ive never been to someones house for a 1st date before and it also felt wrong with-it being lockdown. We had a great 1st date, he cooked an amazing meal and we watched a movie, listened to music, had lots of laughs and then I got a taxi home - nothing MORE happened.

We then had a few more dates and then slept with each other. We both agreed it would never go anywhere with our ages but we liked each others company - it was fun! This lasted 4 weeks.

We stopped being in contact and then a few months later, I bumped into him. We swapped numbers. On texting one day, he said he hadn't been out of the house in days and was feeling sluggish. I said he was more than welcome to come along on my dog walk as I was going out for about 2 hours. He agreed. We both enjoyed each other's company, so it became a thing - we met for walks almost weekly/fornightly with my dog. Since these walks, I have never been to his house again, we havent been anywhere else together and we have purely been friends.

Anyway, my current BF of 7 months. when we started dating, my dog walks with my friends decreased. I've been honest with my BF, I've told him the history of me and this guy. He was fine with it. Now, he has such a big issue with it. He cannot understand why I slept with someone of his age. He also keeps comparing how I spoke to my friend for 2 weeks before we sleeping together whereas, me and my BF spoke for 2 months (I wasnt ready to date). Ive said I would keep my distance with this friend as its so dramatic and I cant belive all the fuss over a 5 week "fling" from 1.5 years ago.

But BF cant understand why I want to still be his friend, he keeps demanding to know reasons. When I cant justify why, he says I miss him, I am affectionate and what we had was seedy. He said he doesnt want to tell me what to do but if my friendship with this person becomes a problem, he will walk away. I've told him I will distance myself until it cools over as I dont want us to end but he keeps telling me that he doesnt want that and I should do what I want to do.

I am so confused :(

AIBU?!

but thats the thing, I have distanced myself from older guy - havent messaged him back much, havent met him for walks in a long time. My BF said doing this is pointless as I want to speak to him and miss him (his words!!!). I dont know what else I can do ?! I can't change my past :( He said next time I need help in work I should ask him and not older guy. But older guy helped me way last year?! I dont need help in my jobs, it was with two very particulary tasks that he specialises in!!

Don't be embarrassed op, I've had a bigger age gap than that for a fling, it was educational, mutual and fun, and we both got what we wanted from it, nothing bad on either side.
It isn't seedy unless there is some weird power dynamic but that's not the case from what you describe. Sometimes a person comes along and the attraction is there, sometimes the attraction fizzles really quickly like with your older guy and that's that.

You were friends with the older guy when current guy met you. So that relationship was established on a friendship footing before he even showed his face.
He has no right to be judging something that he never even saw, all his judgement is based on his outlook not on the reality of the individuals concerned, so he can stuff that.
He also is being very narrow minded to be unable to imagine why you might enjoy the company of another person without sexual attraction being the answer - what an idiot... Clearly got very narrow horizons if he can't imagine having a friend from another generation or sex.
It's all just very tedious isn't it.
I had a bf like this, he had trust issues from a previous infidelity so I cut him some slack to give him time to learn I was trustworthy... 2 years later he was still having the same repetitive conversations round and round. So I lost patience, ended it, and a week later met my now dh who never questions what I do At All... Because he trusts me (and I can be trusted).
A relationship without trust is just a long boring script of recurrent suspicion and justifying your actions. 😱
If he trusted you this conversation would never happen.

Not sure if the AIBU is AYBU to ditch your friend (as the title says) or AYBU to refuse to ditch him. I voted YANBU to refuse, as you both seem to enjoy and benefit from the friendship and there's no good reason to dump him.

BF sounds insecure, immature and either dishonest/manipulative or unclear about his own actions and emotions. Do you know why his attitude changed from being fine with your past/this friendship to being so obsessed and judgemental about it?

He cannot understand why I slept with someone of his age. He doesn't need to understand, it wasn't his body involved. He also keeps comparing how I spoke to my friend for 2 weeks before we sleeping together whereas, me and my BF spoke for 2 months. Why does this still matter? Does he want to micromanage your sexual and social choices? Perhaps he's against casual sexual relationships and thinks your past means you two have different values - but why wait 7 months to say so, and why not just say it clearly now? If he really can't handle this, the two of you are probably incompatible.

Ive said I would keep my distance with this friend as its so dramatic and I cant belive all the fuss over a 5 week "fling" from 1.5 years ago. Exactly. If there's something about this ex/friend's behaviour that specifically bothers your boyfriend, for example if the friend is always rude to him or openly disrepectful of his relationship with you, then he should say so clearly. Otherwise not his business.

But BF cant understand why I want to still be his friend, he keeps demanding to know reasons. When I cant justify why, he says I miss him, I am affectionate and what we had was seedy. Why is anyone friends with anyone? It's subjective. But normal to be affectionate toward friends, and speak of them positively and admiringly. Judging your past sexual choices and trying to shame you for them isn't a good sign. Also telling you how you feel as if he knows better, or as if you're lying (can't tell which this is) is unpleasant.

He said he doesnt want to tell me what to do but if my friendship with this person becomes a problem, he will walk away. I couldn't continue a relationship with someone's subjective feelings hanging over my head as a threat - "behave the way I want forever or I'll leave you whenever I decide you've transgressed." Nope; leave me now if you can't handle my being a separate autonomous person who will sometimes think and do things you would not think or do.

Your boyfriend is exercising coercive control over you. "I will leave if you don't do what I want"

This is abuse, and will possibly get worse the longer you continue with him. The usual pattern is that it starts with this one friend, then your girlfriends, then your family. Before you know it you are isolated and completely under his control.

You should be able to be friends with whoever you like. If this was me I would end the relationship with your boyfriend before it escalates any further.

Thank you everyone. I was starting to think if I was being unreasonable still speaking to older guy. Ive been questioning why myself these past few days, trying to understand if I have been unreasonable. I really do have a sore head an am so tierd from staying up two nights in a row until 2am chatting about it.

@Ohhhhladz is spot on.

He doesn't want to tell you what to do. No because that's too obviously what a wrong'un would do...

But he doesn't mind emotionally leaning on you, and banging on about it until the only way to bury it is to dump the friend...

He doesn't mind repeatedly forcing you to justify one month of your life by bringing it up like a dog with a bone until you agree with him
Doesn't mind using 'evidence' that you speak affectionately of older guy to underline his opinion of the relationship being more valid than your own. (Of course you feel affection and admiration for this person you've known for a long time... He wouldn't be a friend if you didn't! Duh.)

He doesn't mind dismissing your judgement on what this guy is to you.

He doesn't mind hanging threats over your head until you see the error of your ways.

So no he won't tell you what to do but he will coercively push you in the direction he wants instead. Urgh.

He isn't listening
His opinion counts more than yours on something he knows nothing about
He's being territorial
He's not dropping it despite plenty of patient and careful explanations.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

He was never fine with it. He pretended to be fine with it to reel you in and he is making damn sure you'll fall into line and not dare to have male friends in future.

Stop planting him as you are setting the tone for the future and after 7 months how much skin do you really have in the game?

Hes showing you who he is and you are showing that you accept it.

I don't think your boyfriend is unreasonable to be unhappy about you continuing a friendship with someone you shagged (and you didn't have kids etc).
However he then should choose to either shut up and suck it up or finish the relationship.
That's all.

For sure... Now you're invested its harder to walk away isn't it.
If he'd been like this from day 1 you wouldn't even be here.

He has you thinking up is down.

The point isn't whether he or you are right that:
It's OK to be attracted to an older guy and not weird
It's OK for a friendship to be the jarring legacy of a light hearted brief fling.

The point is that he is overruling you without adequate justification.

You were there he was not.
You can be trusted on this but he isn't accepting that.

Run away.

I can see both sides to this. one the one hand, from your viewpoint, that relationship with the old guy is over and nothing romantic from you. You enjoy his company and thats that.

On the other hand your BF has been with you now 7 months and I'm assuming strong feelings are starting to develop between you. He is now not as keen on you spending time with older guy because of the fact you have a sexual history and it was just a fling and not a long term friendship, so to him he probably does not understand why you'd want to maintain it. I don't see it as necessarily him being controlling over who you can and can't see.

Neither of you are in the wrong. I see a guy who is feeling insecure with his GF talking about and spending 1 on 1 time with a man (regardles of age) who she had a brief sexual fling with. He is likely struggling to understand the 'friendship' part of it and probably thinks that older guy may still be very attracted to you.

Think if it was the other way around. How comfortable would you be if your BF was talking affectionatly about and spending 1 on 1 time with a woman he had been sexually active with for a brief fling. Someone who wasn't an old friend, and someone you considered quite likely to still want sex with him. Would you feel a bit insecure about it, or wonder why they need to stay in touch at all?

Then think what you would want him to do about it if the roles were reversed.

Perhaps the easiest thing if you need or want to keep the older guy as a good friend, would be to meet up with him with your BF, so they can get to know each other and he can see your relationship is now purely just friendship - from both sides. Would he be up for that? He might find it a bit easier to accept if you are involving him and he sees there is nothing being hidden - or no attraction there at all.

Not in the slightest, as it's the very least relevant aspect of OP's situation.

I'm embarrassed about the age :(

I'm 30 and he is 58...
There you go again OP.
Just because somebody asks you a nosy question, there's no compunction for you to answer it.

People who focus on irrelevant detail like this without offering a single piece of advice about your actual problem are not asking about you because they're interested in helping you. It's pretty obvious they're looking at something to marvel about/mock/diminish you for.

The fact that you felt obliged to answer highlights your main problem - so here we are, back at personal agency again. If you want to work toward ensuring that live your life doing what YOU want to do, & not simply complying with what others want from you, you might find this book very helpful -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Of course there will.
Controlling, possessive behaviour like this ALWAYS escalates.

Even if you cut the older guy out as a friend, yiur b/f would find someone or something else to be controlling about.

When I have told BF this when I've been asked why I am in touch with him, I'm told that I speak about him affectionately and in a caring way as if I admire him (?!?!?!?).
Of course he does.
In his mind, you are ONLY allowed to be affectionate to or care about or admire HIM.
Anybody who genuinely loved you would be pleased that you had this friendship enhancing your life.

Do you know why his attitude changed from being fine with your past/this friendship to being so obsessed and judgemental about it?
I would hazard that it's because the b/f spent the first few months treading carefully & showing only his 'good' facade.
Like all controlling partners, he only kept this up until he felt he had OP sufficiently reeled in to start showing his real side.

It's really common behaviour.

Common behaviour from abusive, controlling types, I mean.

It is really, really concerning that you are starting to think this.

And 2 nights in a row "chatting" about it?
That's ridiculous. What is there to say? Your b/f is brainwashing you in these "chats". Wearing you down. Browbeating you.

If you allow this, & stay with him, this is what your life will be like - only it will progressively get worse & worse.

Personally, I don't see the value in this type of friend. Do you not have many other friends?
In my experience, friends, acquaintances, come and go. My serious life partner is another matter. We are best friends and have little need of anyone else.

I think being friends with some random who you slept with is a bit strange, yeah.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose is 100% accurate in her summary.

OP - you are already in a coercively controlling relationship.
I strongly urge you to leave it.

Keep the friend, ditch the bf. Too many red flags, whereas your friend sounds lovely.

I do understand him FEELING a bit insecure about it, but what is not OK is that he is trying to make you act differently to make him feel better. This will never end, if you give in to this before you know it you will face the same conversations about male colleagues, other male friends, whether you fancy friends bf's .....it will just carry on. The problem is with him, not you.

And no need to be embarassed about the age gap, it was fun at the time and you were both mature consenting adults.

Neither of you are in the wrong.
How can you say that @Bookworm20?

Please read Cleopatra's post at 17:04 for all the reasons this awful b/f is in the wrong. It worrying that you can't see them.

On the one hand I do understand your BF nervousness, you don’t have a long platonic history with older guy, your relationship has materialised out of sleeping together / fling situation. OK it is not that now but I absolutely do understand your BF finding it a little uncomfortable.

However, if your BF is not comfortable then he has two choices - learn to become comfortable with it or end your relationship. He cannot and should not try to force you to “pick him”, it’s incredibly controlling and immature and a huge red flag.

If he is not comfortable with you having a male dog walk pal who you once bonked, well that’s his prerogative and he should find a girlfriend who doesn’t have that situation.

if he can’t accept your friendships and trust you then you should dump him. As you say, where does it end? No male friends? No nights out alone? No coffee with male work colleagues, nah sod that!

So BF kept you up two nights in a row terrorizing you about this? That doesn't seem .like a healthy relationship.

Older guy sounds lovely, and I don't say that easily. We all need more good friendships in our life, don't let yourself be bullied into drawing back from this one.

Older guy is lovely as is all my friends or I wouldn't be friends with them. To one of the PPs above, I do have other friends. I think that was irrelevant to assume I don't have many friends.

Perhaps the easiest thing if you need or want to keep the older guy as a good friend, would be to meet up with him with your BF, so they can get to know each other and he can see your relationship is now purely just friendship - from both sides. Would he be up for that? He might find it a bit easier to accept if you are involving him and he sees there is nothing being hidden - or no attraction there at all.

This isn't a bad suggestion, and (giving buckets of benefit of the doubt to this particular guy) not a bad rationale for it either... but why hasn't the bf suggested it.

Think of your female friends who are invested in a relationship with someone they really care about/falling for... But there is something they're a bit insecure about...

Do they start laying down the law (a 2-nighter grilling anyone?) or do they try to find out the real story, or work on their own insecurities, or sense-check with friends or other sources.... Hmmm

If I was developing strong feelings for someone, but it's still early days, so we don't know each other that deeply yet... The trust is still growing of course, but equally neither of us have earned the right to a say in each others lives yet... and he had someone he cared about but I didn't quite get the dynamic - my first choice would be to get to know them properly before I jumped to conclusions and starting trying to prise them out of this person's life.

It hasn't even occurred to him to look deeper, because he doesn't want to.
He's not interested, he'd rather just erase the issue no matter how much this person he 'really cares about' reassures, explains, justifies, defends, squirms under his criticism.

He isn't asking, he's telling. His emotional discomfort isn't his problem is yours, you bend and change to make go away, he doesn't intend to and indeed it hasn't even occurred to him to try.

If you're in doubt op, offer to let him to get to know him and see for himself... It'll be awkward all round I expect cos he'll probably behave like a arse to this older guy (who sounds lovely) but at least you'll see for yourself he doesn't have an open mind. There are rules in his head for what's OK and they're not flexible in any way.

Stay with him and you won't recognise your own shape one day you'll have been moulded so he doesn't have to is my guess.

I have suggested it. He says he never wants to meet him. He has even said I'm never to talk to older guy about him. Even if it's to say that me and bf done something at the weekend. He said its none of his business. He said I can chat to him if I want to stay true to myself but he doesn't want to hear about it and if I meet him, he doesn't want to know about it either. But that feels deceitful