Stop talking to my ex/casual fling/friend?!

[LastChristmass]

March 2021, I got chatting to a much older man online. We got on really well and we spoke for around 2 weeks. We then decided to meet for a walking date as it was lockdown. The weather was absolutely horrible so he asked me to go to his instead. I was nervous as Ive never been to someones house for a 1st date before and it also felt wrong with-it being lockdown. We had a great 1st date, he cooked an amazing meal and we watched a movie, listened to music, had lots of laughs and then I got a taxi home - nothing MORE happened.

We then had a few more dates and then slept with each other. We both agreed it would never go anywhere with our ages but we liked each others company - it was fun! This lasted 4 weeks.

We stopped being in contact and then a few months later, I bumped into him. We swapped numbers. On texting one day, he said he hadn't been out of the house in days and was feeling sluggish. I said he was more than welcome to come along on my dog walk as I was going out for about 2 hours. He agreed. We both enjoyed each other's company, so it became a thing - we met for walks almost weekly/fornightly with my dog. Since these walks, I have never been to his house again, we havent been anywhere else together and we have purely been friends.

Anyway, my current BF of 7 months. when we started dating, my dog walks with my friends decreased. I've been honest with my BF, I've told him the history of me and this guy. He was fine with it. Now, he has such a big issue with it. He cannot understand why I slept with someone of his age. He also keeps comparing how I spoke to my friend for 2 weeks before we sleeping together whereas, me and my BF spoke for 2 months (I wasnt ready to date). Ive said I would keep my distance with this friend as its so dramatic and I cant belive all the fuss over a 5 week "fling" from 1.5 years ago.

But BF cant understand why I want to still be his friend, he keeps demanding to know reasons. When I cant justify why, he says I miss him, I am affectionate and what we had was seedy. He said he doesnt want to tell me what to do but if my friendship with this person becomes a problem, he will walk away. I've told him I will distance myself until it cools over as I dont want us to end but he keeps telling me that he doesnt want that and I should do what I want to do.

I am so confused :(

AIBU?!

Not that I would tell him who I message anyway but what if i meet older guy for a walk and bf asks what I did that day.. is going to be okay with me lying about it? Won't that cause more bother?

My dh wasn't perfect when I met him. He had some hang ups from his past, some odd attitudes from his parents... Rough edges I suppose. So did I. Nothing ghastly, just younger people than we are now.
What made it a good relationship though wasn't two perfect people being perfect from day 1, it was the fact that we both cared enough to listen and learn.
If I felt strongly about something he paid attention and respected that, heard me out and thought it through, adjusted his outlook if appropriate. I did the same. We debated and arrived at agreement together. It was a 2-way street.
Been together 20 years now and I would say this is the main reason we're still in good shape as a couple.

That's why it stands out to me that this isn't happening here. It's a 1-way flow of communication, you're listening and responding, verbally in long discussions, and by changing your behaviour with your friend (reducing how often you see him, still not enough for him though is it) .
He isn't listening or responding, except to argue back... he's just banging the same drum until you cave.

Your bf is setting you up to fail with that nonsense of don't speak to him about me, don't tell me blah blah. He's a dickhead.

Doesn't really matter why. He is being a petty, jealous, controlling (cos you've said yourself you're questioning if you are being unreasonable) dickhead.

😮😮😮

He's talking the language of the liberal understanding bf (letting you be true to yourself) but making you fully pay the price isn't he, freezing out that part of your life as a taboo subject. Fully making sure you are well aware this is a contraband activity you are engaged in. Ffs.

That tells you everything you need to know. He can say he's happy for you to be true to yourself but it's bollocks in practice isn't it. 😢

Oh pull the other one.

Older guy does not sound "lovely." He admitted chancing his luck messaging a much younger woman in the hope of a shag. Sounds to me like he's keeping OP on the back burner in the hope he might get another. He sounds gross.

And the boyfriend was hardly "terrorizing" her about it. I would find the situation weird too. If this was a man keeping in touch with a woman he shagged there would be COUNTLESS responses saying he wants to shag her again and not to trust him.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not making a fuss about someone I had a thing with 1.5 years ago (for 4 weeks), there really is nothing there. But I fear that it will be my male friends one day. He even asked if I had exs in my contacts. But I never delete numbers but I look guilty don't I 😔

He chanced his luck messaging someone younger he didn't say it was for a shag.

The difference is that op has had a 1.5 year friendship with him now. Her judgement of the friendship counts.
Maybe if you heard of 'some bloke' still sniffing around a previous thing you'd be cynical, course you would.
But they've been in a mutual friendship for a long time.
Op has other good friendships so should recognise a healthy friendship when she sees one.
Most people could tell if a friendship was unbalanced or not genuine because motivated by sexual intent. Op says its not that.

Yes, making a rule you can't talk about this person puts you in the position of having to lie about it (either by omission or explicitly) if you have contact with him or see him.
Or rub him out of your life.
That's shit.

It's strange - I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who sees their ex every weekend for whatever reason.

I don't see him every weekend. I used to before BF for a dog walk. Last time I saw him was.. probably September!

If you want to be with your current bf long term I would say cut contact with your ex. There's no way I would be texting my ex I am sure my husband wouldn't like that and I want to remain married. I would expect the same respect.

Or find another man who is happy with you keeping in touch with exes

There are countless stories on here about male 'friends' moving in on women as soon as they become single. And this bloke already knows the OP is a) attracted to him enough to sleep with him and b) up for casual sex. I imagine her boyfriend knows exactly how men think and this is why he's wary.

Assuming you didn't have many friends wasn't an attempt to be rude, I just wondered why on earth one guy was so valuable to you. If you do have plenty of friends then it makes even less sense why being true to yourself includes going on walks with this guy every now and then.

I think all of you need to get over yourselves, really!

Being honest here, if my 30 year old BF slept with a woman almost double his age, it would put me off.
I also wouldn't be impressed he was still in touch and friends with her.

I have suggested it. He says he never wants to meet him. He has even said I'm never to talk to older guy about him. Even if it's to say that me and bf done something at the weekend. He said its none of his business. He said I can chat to him if I want to stay true to myself but he doesn't want to hear about it and if I meet him, he doesn't want to know about it either. But that feels deceitful

WTF?

How are you accepting any of this convoluted nonsense as reasonable?
Your b/f sounds like an eight year old jealous of another kid's toy & unable to deal with their own feelings.

All he is doing is ordering you about.
Keeping you up til 2am whinging on & on about how he can't cope with the fact that you have a friend in your life that you knew before he came along.
Would YOU bang on to somebody until the small hours, telling them all about YOUR irrational feelings & being prepared to keep them awake til they capitulate out of exhaustion?
None of this is normal. He is downright abusive OP.

Go on then @namechangetheworld - tell us one "gross" thing OP's older friend has done that isn't something you've just made up.

What is wrong with meeting someone, having a short fling with them, ending the fling, then staying pals?

As to your speculation about his motivations - it takes 2 to tango.
Why are you accusing this guy of grossness & 'just hoping for another shag', when he'd behaved no differently from OP herself?
Is it just sexism on your part?

In your world, do you cut dead everyone you'd ever had a physical relationship with? THAT is weird. There's nothing weird about being adult enough to manage your serial sexual relationships with dignity & courtesy. Having to pretend anyone you ever shagged no longer exists is just bonkers.

And yes - haranguing someone until 2am, 2 nights in a row, trying to make them comply with your demands (no matter how he's dressing it up in "I won't force you" manipulations) can accurately be described as terrorising. Sleep deprivation & coercion are recognised torture techniques. OP's b/f is making sure he makes her so uncomfortable that she eventually kowtows to his control.
This b/f is following every move in The Script, & his behaviour is abusive.

Guilty of WHAT OP?

Can you see it yet?
How he is making you doubt yourself, doubt your own reality, start to think like he is instructing you to think?

So don't be in one.
Find somebody who also cuts exes out of their lives as soon as they've finished with them, & at least you'll be compatible in that aspect.

But don't stick around whinging on & on & on, making out your new partner is doing something wrong. Plenty of people stay friends with exes. OP & this older guy were only an item for about 4 weeks out of the 18 months they've known each other. They've been friends way longer than they were lovers. OP's b/f can't trust that - he is therefore dating the wrong person for him, & should finish with her. But he won't - he'd rather guilt, manipulate, & coerce her into giving her friend up.

Which is why she should finish with him.
Because she's right - even if she kicks her friend to the kerb, b/f will find something or someone else to be controlling about. This kind of possessive dickwad always does, & his behaviour always escalates.

Er ... because people aren't commodities, & friendship is valuable?

It sounds like the friend is a much better friend than your bf is a bf.

OP you sound like a lovely person.
Your BF sounds like he's not going about things the right way however I do understand this is weird for him.
You are still meeting up for walks with a guy 28 years your senior whom you have slept with previously. They may be innocent dog walks but at the same time your BF mind might be racing as to why you're still meeting up. A short 4 week fling or not, I do understand BF reaction to the friendship. Sorry op.
I do feel for you in this position but I also understand BF.
Tough one.

Red flags op. I'd dump and run personally.

@KettrickenSmiled well said. It not about whether he had questions or concerns and whether that's reasonable... it's everything about how he is handling it and what that says about who he is.