Stop talking to my ex/casual fling/friend?!

79 replies

LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 14:26

March 2021, I got chatting to a much older man online. We got on really well and we spoke for around 2 weeks. We then decided to meet for a walking date as it was lockdown. The weather was absolutely horrible so he asked me to go to his instead. I was nervous as Ive never been to someones house for a 1st date before and it also felt wrong with-it being lockdown. We had a great 1st date, he cooked an amazing meal and we watched a movie, listened to music, had lots of laughs and then I got a taxi home - nothing MORE happened.

We then had a few more dates and then slept with each other. We both agreed it would never go anywhere with our ages but we liked each others company - it was fun! This lasted 4 weeks.

We stopped being in contact and then a few months later, I bumped into him. We swapped numbers. On texting one day, he said he hadn't been out of the house in days and was feeling sluggish. I said he was more than welcome to come along on my dog walk as I was going out for about 2 hours. He agreed. We both enjoyed each other's company, so it became a thing - we met for walks almost weekly/fornightly with my dog. Since these walks, I have never been to his house again, we havent been anywhere else together and we have purely been friends.

Anyway, my current BF of 7 months. when we started dating, my dog walks with my friends decreased. I've been honest with my BF, I've told him the history of me and this guy. He was fine with it. Now, he has such a big issue with it. He cannot understand why I slept with someone of his age. He also keeps comparing how I spoke to my friend for 2 weeks before we sleeping together whereas, me and my BF spoke for 2 months (I wasnt ready to date). Ive said I would keep my distance with this friend as its so dramatic and I cant belive all the fuss over a 5 week "fling" from 1.5 years ago.

But BF cant understand why I want to still be his friend, he keeps demanding to know reasons. When I cant justify why, he says I miss him, I am affectionate and what we had was seedy. He said he doesnt want to tell me what to do but if my friendship with this person becomes a problem, he will walk away. I've told him I will distance myself until it cools over as I dont want us to end but he keeps telling me that he doesnt want that and I should do what I want to do.

I am so confused :(

AIBU?!

OP posts:

namechangetheworld · 27/10/2022 22:00

KettrickenSmiled · 27/10/2022 20:25

Go on then @namechangetheworld - tell us one "gross" thing OP's older friend has done that isn't something you've just made up.

What is wrong with meeting someone, having a short fling with them, ending the fling, then staying pals?

As to your speculation about his motivations - it takes 2 to tango.
Why are you accusing this guy of grossness & 'just hoping for another shag', when he'd behaved no differently from OP herself?
Is it just sexism on your part?

In your world, do you cut dead everyone you'd ever had a physical relationship with? THAT is weird. There's nothing weird about being adult enough to manage your serial sexual relationships with dignity & courtesy. Having to pretend anyone you ever shagged no longer exists is just bonkers.

And yes - haranguing someone until 2am, 2 nights in a row, trying to make them comply with your demands (no matter how he's dressing it up in "I won't force you" manipulations) can accurately be described as terrorising. Sleep deprivation & coercion are recognised torture techniques. OP's b/f is making sure he makes her so uncomfortable that she eventually kowtows to his control.
This b/f is following every move in The Script, & his behaviour is abusive.

Show quote history

I really do have a sore head an am so tierd from staying up two nights in a row until 2am chatting about it.

Go on then, tell me about how her boyfriend was "haranguing" her and torturing her with "sleep deprivation" 🙄 In adult relationships couples do stay up chatting (the actual phrase OP used) about relationship issues. Her boyfriend has perfectly valid worries - again, if this was a man posting about he still wanted to stay in touch with an ex, including long dog walks alone, he would be ripped to shreds. The double standards are embarassing.

I've explained why I think I think the bloke is gross. Let's add creepy into the mix too after he "purposely" got the OP lost on a walk with him so they could spend more time together. If he isn't angling for another shag when she breaks up with her boyfriend (or before) I'll eat my hat!

SandyY2K · 27/10/2022 22:12

There's no chance if the OP was a man, that majority of these responses would be the same. Not for a second. It's the typical MN double standard.

This older man seems so important to you, in comparison to your BF.

Butterbeer4All · 27/10/2022 22:52

LastChristmass · 27/10/2022 16:34

I dont see it as picking older guy over BF but I'm thinking... where will it stop?
Will there be issues with my male friends in years to come?
100% BF knew about older guy very early on.

It won't stop. There will be issues for years to come.

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 23:02

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/10/2022 15:44

LTB. Seven months in and he can't cope with your sexual past, which is absolutely none of his business. It's a red flag for controlling behaviour.

This. That type of jealousy would be a major red flag for me.

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