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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed at the amount of support from grandparents

95 replies

LongStoryShorty · 27/10/2022 10:21

We moved from abroad a year ago and one of the reasons for the move was to be closer to husband’s family as they were so adamant they wanted to be present in DC’s lives and even said once we would never need to think of any other kind of help for childcare as childcare was covered if we moved back to the UK.

Abroad help was cheaper so I had a cleaner who came and cleaned the house top to bottom once a week, someone I could call whenever I needed childcare. The grandparents are basically like the person I used to call for childcare, they come over if I have an appointment etc but she will often just sit in the car for the duration of the appointment with the children. Today it really annoys me because I will have to drive 20min to go pick her up, then 40min to the appointment and then again 40min to drop her off and the children will be in the car for this whole time. Abroad I would ask the person looking after them to take them to the park, speak to them in the foreign language etc so that time was actually good for them. i have suggested MIL to go to the park but she won’t. DD hates going over to their house because there’s nothing to do. Their idea of childcare is ordering pizza and putting the TV on, this was exciting for DD as a novelty for the first few times and has gotten boring for her now.

it annoys me having to ask them for help, I am looking for other solutions and only ask them for the bare necessities ie if I have an appointment.

I thought they would look after DD perhaps once a week, pick her up from school, take her to the park, do crafts, read books… not just sit in the car waiting for me to be back. Sometimes I have given her smth to do with the kids and it was just been a nightmare. Ie baking, she just messed the whole thing so it was inedible, shouted at DD and the kitchen was a huge mess. I told her to just go sit down and cleaned the kitchen instead of getting the stuff done I had planned to do.

My husband said his parents always come over if I need something. I was quiet, he said oh come on you have to admit whenever you call they always come. I said they come over when I absolutely need someone to look after the children but I thought they would actually help more regularly not just when I have an appointment. And I thought the quality of care would be better.

i am in the process of finding a childminder for our youngest as there’s no question they could look after her in many years still.

Another thing annoys me is I have asked many times if they could childproof their house, given childlocks etc and could see how annoyed they were when I asked at the very least not to leave the bleach out.

I am sorting other help out so hopefully I won’t need to ask them to ever look after the children, but I feel sad for the children as I was hoping they would have a relationship with their grandparents. Occasionally if we do something fun I will ask if they want to come along so they can spend the day with the children and will probably continue to do that every now and then.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 10:36

Can your husband speak to them?

Original poster
LongStoryShorty · 27/10/2022 18:05

He has tried but it’s not much use.

DD is being assessed for autism so having them help occasionally when I really need something just makes it really difficult for me as DD always has a huge meltdown when I get her back. I have tried explaining she needs routine and things to be the same, but they don’t get it as she behaves well when she’s with them. They don’t want to commit to anything regular. Obviously as I’m seeking alternative care that can be every week at a certain time whether I need care that day or not so it will mean they will see their grandchildren less, as my husband is not really interested in spending time with them regularly on the weekends. I never had grandparents growing up so that’s probably why this annoys me so much- it’s not about the childcare, I can get that sorted, just hoped my children would have grandparents who are present in their lives.

I haven’t told them we have plans for a childminder which will mean we basically won’t need their help anymore, I think this will upset them as they do want to help, just occasionally and when it suits them- but that just doesn’t work for us. And I suppose I will just invite them along when we do something to make sure the children can have a relationship with them.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 27/10/2022 18:09

How old are your kids?

Quveas · 27/10/2022 18:13

I think your post is a little confusing. You seem to want servants. They want to be "present". Those aren't the same thing. There's a mismatch of expectations here. If you want "quality of care" that comes at a price. And if they want time with their grandchildren that may not be the same thing as being carers. You all need to talk about what your needs and expect are.

Spudina · 27/10/2022 18:17

I have no parental support raising my kids. It’s disappointing of course, but my kids don’t miss what they have never had. You will get a lot if replies saying YABU, they are your kids and can’t force anyone else to have them, but I get it. I want my parents to want to spend time with my DDs. But they don’t. Get yourself proper paid childcare.

sheepdogdelight · 27/10/2022 18:19

TBH if they come and help every time you ask, I'm not actually seeing your problem? You can't dictate what they do with your DC (as long as it's safe/sensible) and you can't expect them to magically realise what you want. Sounds like they don't drive if you have to go and pick them up every time, which is going to make it difficult. Why didn't you suggest dropping them off at the park when you had your appointment? Not much fun for grandparents stuck in the car either.

saraclara · 27/10/2022 18:21

Quveas · 27/10/2022 18:13

I think your post is a little confusing. You seem to want servants. They want to be "present". Those aren't the same thing. There's a mismatch of expectations here. If you want "quality of care" that comes at a price. And if they want time with their grandchildren that may not be the same thing as being carers. You all need to talk about what your needs and expect are.

But...

" they wanted to be present in DC’s lives and even said once we would never need to think of any other kind of help for childcare as childcare was covered if we moved back to the UK.

So it's not surprising that OP was expecting at least a bit more help than she's getting. She's not looking for servants, but she WAS led to believe that the GPs would do a bit of actual childcare.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 27/10/2022 18:21

I think kids do miss what they never had. It’s still possible to see their friends relationships with grandparents etc and think oh I wish my grannie was like that with me. that can last in to adulthood. Even those with absent parents can miss them even if they’ve never had them.

however I don’t think YABU. You want them to engage more. That’s what I’m reading. It’s not about servants it’s about building a relationship.

EsmeSusanOgg · 27/10/2022 18:24

That's frustrating. You will likely get lambasted for expecting grandparent childcare here. But if I understand your post, you were happy living abroad. You moved to the UK because your ILs insisted they wanted to see your family and they promised to provide childcare to avoid paying for expensive childcare. They do help occasionally, but the bare minimum and only when you ask, which means you only ever ask for an emergency. So you've up-ended your life because they asked you to, and promised to help with childcare, and you're not actually getting that help. Is that right?

girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 18:25

OP is it just that you don't like their standard of care as opposed to them not being available to help?

MintJulia · 27/10/2022 18:26

You are being totally unreasonable.

Your in-laws aren't your servants, they aren't there to do as you tell them.

Your mil is happy to sit with your children while you go out, which is very kind of her, but you cannot expect her to entertain them to your instructions. She ensures they are safe. If you want a nursery nurse, you need to employ someone.

As for altering her house to your instructions, I think you need to have a reality check 😁

ShandaLear · 27/10/2022 18:28

Wow, you’re entitled. They’re not your staff and they don't exist to revolve their lives around your family. They’re family, not the hired help or the entertainment and if their idea of a good time is a pizza and the TV then you have to suck it up and realise that grandpa isn’t going to be teaching little Johnny how to play Buckaroo any time soon. If you want professional care you pay for it like everyone else.

sheepdogdelight · 27/10/2022 18:28

OP have you actually asked them if they would (say) take the children out for the day. Perhaps they are waiting to be asked? You need to be clear (possibly to them as well) whether you want them for childcare (which they do seem to be providing) or to be fun doting grandparents that do ad-hoc thing with the children.

Clevererthanyou · 27/10/2022 18:29

I'd be pissed off if my family thought that spending time with my son meant putting him in the front of the TV and not actually ... spending time with him 🤔

At least if your children have children you will know what sort of doting grandparent you want to be!

dammit88 · 27/10/2022 18:34

Are you working? I wonder if they meant they would help with childcare if you wanted to work rather than for ad hoc appointments?

magma32 · 27/10/2022 18:34

Personally I’d move back abroad.

This crap that grandparents don’t need to provide childcare -no but as you moved on the basis of them providing childcare I personally would be very pissed off.

Are you sure they didn’t get you to move back so you’re there to benefit them when they need support under the guise of helping you out? Because that’s what it seems unless their idea of childcare is different to yours and even so, you’re entitled to be disappointed at the quality of childcare. My own parents would do the same as yours but I wouldn’t have moved back to be near them so my expectations would be low compared to yours.

have a chat with Dh and see if you can move back but I have feeling in laws with probably lay on some emotional blackmail so he’ll say you’re being unreasonable. Don’t take that though, tell him you want to move back (if that is what you want) because now you’re having to pay out for childcare when life was cheaper abroad and sounds like a better quality of life for the kids too.

Quveas · 27/10/2022 18:35

saraclara · 27/10/2022 18:21

But...

" they wanted to be present in DC’s lives and even said once we would never need to think of any other kind of help for childcare as childcare was covered if we moved back to the UK.

So it's not surprising that OP was expecting at least a bit more help than she's getting. She's not looking for servants, but she WAS led to believe that the GPs would do a bit of actual childcare.

Show quote history

But...

Welcome to reality. What people think in a hypothetical situation isn't the same thing as reality. Grandparents think it's pizza and TV. Mother thinks it's baking and craft work. Neither is "wrong". But neither is "right" either. I'm a grandmother and I don't do childcare. I did my stint at that. I do "spoiling". So TV and pizza is one option. It may include, and often does, crafts, trips etc. But not as expectations.

magma32 · 27/10/2022 18:36

And yes I agree they need to bloody child proof their house.

Original poster
LongStoryShorty · 27/10/2022 18:39

The children are 5 and 1, they haven’t looked after the younger one yet.

I am not sure how they would be present as they never plan anything with the kids and the thing with DD is that because she’s so difficult with meltdowns when we get her back and because they don’t want to do every week at the same time so it would part of her routine and wouldn’t cause such meltdowns they end up just helping out occasionally, this can be twice a month or 3 months go by. Sometimes they ask if she wants to go over and we would usually say no because we have something the next day and can’t be having meltdowns all day. So yes it has ended up with us using them just when we really need some help, but like I said this isn’t working as then spending hours or even a day dealing with meldowns is just not worthed for the amount of help it gave us. Unfortunately they don’t understand her difficulties with autism, sometimes the grandfather will call me just before the school run and ask if I want him to pick her up- the answer will always be no because we haven’t prepared DD so this would be a huge issue and definitely not worthed. I have told him that we would need to tell DD and know a few days before so she has time to adjust and preferably every day the same every week, but he likes to just decide on the day- this just won’t be possible with someone with autism.

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria1 · 27/10/2022 18:40

I don’t think you are unreasonable.
They told you they would help care your children and that’s why you moved.
That might well mean making your house childproof.
It will mean making sure the child is well cared for but also happy and enjoys the time spent there.
Its really disappointing OP when this happens. Happened to me in a way too. I moved to a specific area as the grandparents were so maga excited about the coming baby and offered their help with childcare whilst I worked.
When it actually came to it, it wasn’t anything like that and the really small amount of help they offered didn’t actually allow me to hardly work at all.
Really not sure why this happens but I know that it’s a really disappointing blow and actually moving somewhere changes your whole families lives- once kids grow and go to school and put down roots it’s really difficult to move.

billy1966 · 27/10/2022 18:41

Gosh OP I can understand your frustration.

You were sold a pup and encouraged to return home on a very false basis.

I would be very upset if I was happy abroad.

I think you will have to accept that they are not very interested and make your own arrangements going forward.

I don't think anyone should expect childcare from grandparents but to be specifically told that they were anxious to provide lots of support and for that clearly not to be the case, is very annoying.

Do you really want to live in this area?
If not, I'd hardly be staying.

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2022 18:42

If the IL's needed support with their health would you step in (as much as you want them to do for you and DH)?
Does DH have siblings or will he be inheriting alone? I never got why people had children and then expect other people to step up.
Own, accept and be accountable for your (and DH) responsibilities. The children absolutely do have a relationship with DG but it doesn't look like the picture in your head. Your words sound entitled. You have arranged care for your own children, what do want - an award? The vast majority of parents do this without acting like they are doing somebody a favour.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/10/2022 18:44

Quveas · 27/10/2022 18:13

I think your post is a little confusing. You seem to want servants. They want to be "present". Those aren't the same thing. There's a mismatch of expectations here. If you want "quality of care" that comes at a price. And if they want time with their grandchildren that may not be the same thing as being carers. You all need to talk about what your needs and expect are.

Yes, I read it this way too.

I also spent a long time overseas, and had a lot of paid ‘help’. I feel really quite bad about it when I look back now, but it was the norm.

There is no real equivalent here, I think it’s unfair to expect that GP’s could realistically replace this role. In the UK, people don’t generally have anyone who takes their kids while they go to ‘appointments’, kids go too,
or they’re in paid childcare.

magma32 · 27/10/2022 18:45

billy1966 · 27/10/2022 18:41

Gosh OP I can understand your frustration.

You were sold a pup and encouraged to return home on a very false basis.

I would be very upset if I was happy abroad.

I think you will have to accept that they are not very interested and make your own arrangements going forward.

I don't think anyone should expect childcare from grandparents but to be specifically told that they were anxious to provide lots of support and for that clearly not to be the case, is very annoying.

Do you really want to live in this area?
If not, I'd hardly be staying.

Exactly.

magma32 · 27/10/2022 18:48

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2022 18:42

If the IL's needed support with their health would you step in (as much as you want them to do for you and DH)?
Does DH have siblings or will he be inheriting alone? I never got why people had children and then expect other people to step up.
Own, accept and be accountable for your (and DH) responsibilities. The children absolutely do have a relationship with DG but it doesn't look like the picture in your head. Your words sound entitled. You have arranged care for your own children, what do want - an award? The vast majority of parents do this without acting like they are doing somebody a favour.

Nonsense. The OP was happy living abroad paying for childcare. It’s her in laws insisting they uproot their lives abroad and come back as they’re soo excited to provide childcare and spend time with gc. So they did and the gp don’t seem that interested or flexible esp regarding the child with additional needs or childproofing the home. They’re basic expectations for anyone insisting they take care of children.

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