AIBU to be disappointed at the amount of support from grandparents

[LongStoryShorty]

We moved from abroad a year ago and one of the reasons for the move was to be closer to husband’s family as they were so adamant they wanted to be present in DC’s lives and even said once we would never need to think of any other kind of help for childcare as childcare was covered if we moved back to the UK.

Abroad help was cheaper so I had a cleaner who came and cleaned the house top to bottom once a week, someone I could call whenever I needed childcare. The grandparents are basically like the person I used to call for childcare, they come over if I have an appointment etc but she will often just sit in the car for the duration of the appointment with the children. Today it really annoys me because I will have to drive 20min to go pick her up, then 40min to the appointment and then again 40min to drop her off and the children will be in the car for this whole time. Abroad I would ask the person looking after them to take them to the park, speak to them in the foreign language etc so that time was actually good for them. i have suggested MIL to go to the park but she won’t. DD hates going over to their house because there’s nothing to do. Their idea of childcare is ordering pizza and putting the TV on, this was exciting for DD as a novelty for the first few times and has gotten boring for her now.

it annoys me having to ask them for help, I am looking for other solutions and only ask them for the bare necessities ie if I have an appointment.

I thought they would look after DD perhaps once a week, pick her up from school, take her to the park, do crafts, read books… not just sit in the car waiting for me to be back. Sometimes I have given her smth to do with the kids and it was just been a nightmare. Ie baking, she just messed the whole thing so it was inedible, shouted at DD and the kitchen was a huge mess. I told her to just go sit down and cleaned the kitchen instead of getting the stuff done I had planned to do.

My husband said his parents always come over if I need something. I was quiet, he said oh come on you have to admit whenever you call they always come. I said they come over when I absolutely need someone to look after the children but I thought they would actually help more regularly not just when I have an appointment. And I thought the quality of care would be better.

i am in the process of finding a childminder for our youngest as there’s no question they could look after her in many years still.

Another thing annoys me is I have asked many times if they could childproof their house, given childlocks etc and could see how annoyed they were when I asked at the very least not to leave the bleach out.

I am sorting other help out so hopefully I won’t need to ask them to ever look after the children, but I feel sad for the children as I was hoping they would have a relationship with their grandparents. Occasionally if we do something fun I will ask if they want to come along so they can spend the day with the children and will probably continue to do that every now and then.

This is exactly it. I really thought they would be that type of grandparents and I think they want to be, but simple things are just stopping it from happening.

DD doesn’t want to go over to theirs anymore which I think is such a shame- husband says it’s because there’s nothing to do- they haven’t got any toys or anything there for her. Just a massive TV with special speakers that they put cartoons on- might be fun but with sensory issues can be overwhelming actually. They say when she’s over she just keeps asking how long till she can go back home.

i was feeling a little guilty for organising a childminder, but I think this set up will just work so much better for us- especially because of it being regular.

I just spoke to husband and said when will they spend time with the grandchildren, that we should just invite them with us when we do something, like this weekend we are doing a Halloween activity and he said he’s happy for it to just be us. When I pushed it more he said they would just be hard work having them with us and he would enjoy it more being just us. It’s not for me, I don’t care whether they come or not, but I was raised by a single mother with no extended family around and really want the children to have extended family. This is just one occasion, but it’s his response to any event.

It does sound like you are turning down most of their offers of childcare although I can see why. Even a non autistic 5 year old might like to know in advance who is going to be picking them up. And the melt down issue prevents you getting much benefit from the care they do provide.
It's probably unrealistic to expect regular high standard childcare from grandparents - a few lucky ones have it but for most people I know there's a lot of TV, sweets, last minute cancellation, complaining etc. So I don't think either of you are that unreasonable really. Unfortunately your daughter's needs are what is causing a large part of the problem. Having someone who comes whenever you need them is pretty good though. I certainly don't have that.

I think this is the crux of the matter.Your in laws are not servants.

MIL understands autism as she used to work with autistic children, but I think it’s hard for her to always make the connections as she’s having the meltdowns delayed when she’s back home- I will then let her know for ex about the playroom or just allowing to cut the tags of the new toys/ clothes etc and she’s great- she tries her best.

FIL refuses to acknowledge there’s any autism he says any meltdowns are only with us and that’s because we have spoilt her. No issues when she’s with them so they don’t need to worry about it. Even once he picked her up I said please please give her a snack as soon as you get her back or she will have a meltdown when she’s home. He says she fell asleep in the car so he didn’t feed her (supposed to eat before going to the car) and said he did have a banana in the car but she was fine there was no meltdown - I said but she’s in kitchen having a meltdown right now with DH. I didn’t say this, but it is a really bad time as we both had work things we were dealing with so having him pick her up actually made us loose more time than if we had just picked her up. I had clients coming to the door and you could hear her screaming and FIL just stood watching at the door- it was terrible.

"DD doesn’t want to go over to theirs anymore which I think is such a shame- husband says it’s because there’s nothing to do- they haven’t got any toys or anything there for her."

Could you provide some toys? Or suggest that this year's Xmas gifts from
GP are kept there?

MIL was showing me some presents she got her and I said one of the toys with lots of little bits could stay at theirs so she has some toys there to play with (because little one eats everything I would need to remove all the little bits and it would actually defeat the fun of that particular toy) and she wasn’t very excited she said oh yes she could- we can let her decide. But if we let her decide of course she won’t want to. She has got a toy box there for DC but it only has some baby toys in it even though LO has only been there with us and never played with any toys there. I think she would really like to have her over as she’s saying things like you’re my favourite little one etc, but it’s just not going to happen as they won’t baby proof. She told me she put the bleach behind something so that they can’t see it. I did say to her all the cleaning products would need to be higher up or behind a child lock especially as LO is really terrible at eating everything. She said she doesn’t have any cabinets high up to put things to. It’s not really realistic of her just buying toys for the baby and preparing for the baby to stay there when the environment is not safe for a baby. I am not pushing about this issue as I don’t want to leave DD2 there anyways, I just say those things when she’s saying LO could stay there and saying things like I need to stop breastfeeding- so she can understand why we won’t leave baby there and she could change those things if she wanted to have her there.

I did also say if she wanted help baby proofing I am happy to help as it can seem like a daunting task - she hasn’t taken me up on this offer…

I think there's a common pitfall between expectation and reality when soon to be grandparents and expectant parents talk about childcare arrangements.

Other people's kids are exhausting anyway, and it can be harder for older people to match the energy required to keep them entertained and remain vigilant. They are also of a different generation in terms of things like baby proofing.

Tbh I do think you're expecting too much. You get what you pay for. Grandparent babysitting service often comes with too much sugar and screen time and giftware, which means you feel extra obliged to limit those things. I do think you need to take these things in good grace though and if it bothers one that much pay someone else to do it.

Yet another grandmother bashing thread. This is getting tedious. How come grandfathers get off Scott free?

Clearly you haven't read all OP's posts. Here's just one of them:

FIL refuses to acknowledge there’s any autism he says any meltdowns are only with us and that’s because we have spoilt her. No issues when she’s with them so they don’t need to worry about it. Even once he picked her up I said please please give her a snack as soon as you get her back or she will have a meltdown when she’s home. He says she fell asleep in the car so he didn’t feed her (supposed to eat before going to the car) and said he did have a banana in the car but she was fine there was no meltdown - I said but she’s in kitchen having a meltdown right now with DH. I didn’t say this, but it is a really bad time as we both had work things we were dealing with so having him pick her up actually made us loose more time than if we had just picked her up. I had clients coming to the door and you could hear her screaming and FIL just stood watching at the door- it was terrible.

It’s true I am very lucky that MIL will come whenever I really need someone. MIL really makes great effort and she does spend a lot of time with us during the day as well. I think unfortunately their health is deteriorating which is making childcare harder for them.

We have tried explaining but FIL really won’t listen in this regard, we also gave them both a book to read. MIL read it straight away and was very welcoming of it and FIL refused to read it. He also says sometimes things like neither one of their children ever behaved like she does or said things she does, well obviously they didn’t.

The time about the snack actually really really annoyed me, because he had the snack at the back of the car but it was like he wanted to prove something to me, the way he said she was fine there was no meltdown, I had to say to him can you not hear her screaming in the kitchen right now. I even told him before hand that I didn’t care what she would eat, even if it was a chocolate bar as I just couldn’t have her back having a meltdown that day. I don’t understand what he was trying to prove to me by not feeding her. This really annoyed husband too. I think even neurotypical children have meltdowns if not fed literally at the school gates.

He offers to help, but then actually does a disservice and it seems like he does it on purpose too, I just don’t understand it. Maybe he just really is in denial and is trying to show us we are the problem or something. It’s just such a simple thing to have just given her the banana, even if he doesn’t believe this would be an issue, why take the risk when I specified I will have clients coming at the same time he comes back so it was really important.

How old are the grandparents?
Your husband doesn't seem bothered about spending time with his own parents, children with SEN can be challenging, maybe they are now realising they can't manage your DD.

The more you post the more it seems like the GP are not just unwilling to make an effort, but could actually be harmful.

Your MIL talking about the baby being her “favourite little one” - that is Not On at all, your older child will pick up on that and be hurt by it.

Your FIL running tests on your DD to show she doesn’t have any issues or particular needs when you know she does. And saying things like “our kids never behaved like that” quite clearly shows he thinks it’s parenting not innate differences.

The bleach… eeek.

The TV and pizza is a bit shit but really the least of the issues compared with these.

Unfortunately they aren’t any good as childcare and I think you have to cut your losses and find good paid childcare instead.

Hopefully there are other reasons you moved here besides the GP childcare?

Sadly this is the norm.

We also moved back from abroad. But with our eyes open.

One of my in laws moved back and suffered like you.

You need to be clear what you want and perhaps get them to have the kids for half a day. Rather than just when you are at an appointment.

However. Consider - are they just too old to be useful whilst kids are small? Perhaps will improve when they are bigger? Or not..... In which case bigger off overseas again!!!

It doesn’t seem like it’s turned out the way you hoped. Would you like to move back? Unfortunately I don’t think anything you do will change the situation with the GP. They seem set in their ways to an extent.

How old are your ILs? Perhaps they are finding it more tiring than they thought on the occasions when they are looking after your DD. I wonder if sitting in the car is their way of keeping her safe from things that could be a danger.

You are right to feel frustrated as the grandparents have set an expectation that they have clearly not met. You just have to accept the situation for what it is and find help. If your MIL asks why you’ll have to tell her you need childcare where the kids get to have fun and do things etc.

Two sets of grandparents here. My DH’s parents are overseas and only see my DS once a year (if that). My MIL is great with him - will read books to him, just chat , come with us to the park and actually participate, push him on the swing etc. Step-FIL is really handy and has made go-karts for the grandkids, has a shotgun and will let them shoot cans out in the yard (they live rural), likes to take to take them fishing etc

My parents are absolutely useless. DS is their only grandchild. When they come over they pretty much ignore him (DF will read the paper or a book , my mother will colour-in or watch tv,) and leave my DS to his own devices. My mother would even leave her pain medication lying around the house (or dropped on the floor) when they came to stay. Initially, when they come to visit my DM is happy to try and cuddle him and take a photo for FB and then she does nothing. They have never offered to child mind and I wouldn’t trust them anyway. I didn’t expect them to be very involved when I had DS but I had assumed that they’d bond with him as he got older and out of the baby / toddler stage but nope 🙄. My only consolation is I can tell my mum gets a bit jealous when she sees photos on FB of my DS doing things with the other set of grandparents (unfortunately it doesn’t happen often).

My SIL expects her parents to come visit for 2 weeks at a time and babysit whilst SIL & BIL go away on holiday. 😮

they never plan anything with the kids and the thing with DD is that because she’s so difficult with meltdowns when we get her back and because they don’t want to do every week at the same time so it would part of her routine and wouldn’t cause such meltdowns

You mention a lot of meltdowns - did your inlaws know about this before you moved ? If they only knew DD from a distance before, maybe they didn't expect to have to deal with her additional needs. They might be feeling overwhelmed .

Your expectations are very high OP. Perhaps it is understandable with a child with SEN who needs routine that you have so many direct requirements, but perhaps GPs cannot reasonably be expected to meet all these. Unless you opt for a nanny who would be more likely to take strong direction in your own home, I think you may also struggle with a childminder. Childminders have their own routines and ways of doing things, and will probably not be able to follow detailed directives from you - particularly if they are also looking after other children, which is likely.

It is good that the GPs are able to provide support with childcare when needed for appointments. I had no GPs nearby, and would’ve loved this. If they offer to have the children (eg, picking up from school), and you decline, they may stop offering. Totally understand your DD needs routine, but they may well not have the capacity to commit to exactly the same arrangement week in, week out.

I know a couple who are GPs of a child with additional needs, and the parents really wanted them to do childcare. The GPs felt they couldn’t provide the childcare because they were worried they wouldn’t be able to adequately meet the child’s needs. When your ILs offered childcare at the outset, they probably didn’t know your DD had SEN and the implications of this for the care they would need to provide.

The fact that MIL chooses to sit in the car suggests she lacks confidence in providing care in the park or another setting. It could be that lots of instructions, while perhaps necessary, may affect their confidence in looking after the children. Does your MIL like baking? If she was left a baking task to do, and struggled, I can see why she got stressed.

I know this is really frustrating, and not what you feel was sold to you, but it is great they are providing some input and say they enjoy/love the children. I had no GPs nearby at all, and would have really appreciated any support.

I can understand why you’re disappointed. But sounds like they don’t want to commit to a regular slot every week, are they busy with hobbies etc? Some elderly people don’t understand autism and the routine needed. Not much you can do but set up a childminder.

Are you for real. Pay for a babysitter.

Count yourself lucky OP. DD1 had Sen; and so did DD2 although we didn’t know then. However DD1 was a sunny, easygoing child, who had tantrums occasionally in the terrible twos; but never meltdowns then. (She does as an adult)

My DPs would babysit them in bed; they never offered to have either one, never mind both in the daytime and I had loads of appointments for DD1! They always told us there was nothing wrong with DD1 - it was all mumbo jumbo by so called professionals and she would be ok, when she grew up!

This..

I had one granny... (very unwell so in no sense her 'fault') she was older, didn't seem very interested in spending time with us, visiting her was an absolute chore... Don't ever remember having anything interesting to do at her place.

So as small kids... We really really did not want to visit.

My other, younger gran, prob early 50s when we were born... Lots of fun times... Chasing around the park, playing board games, trying to teach me stuff... Loved her more than anything.