AIBU to be disappointed at the amount of support from grandparents

[LongStoryShorty]

We moved from abroad a year ago and one of the reasons for the move was to be closer to husband’s family as they were so adamant they wanted to be present in DC’s lives and even said once we would never need to think of any other kind of help for childcare as childcare was covered if we moved back to the UK.

Abroad help was cheaper so I had a cleaner who came and cleaned the house top to bottom once a week, someone I could call whenever I needed childcare. The grandparents are basically like the person I used to call for childcare, they come over if I have an appointment etc but she will often just sit in the car for the duration of the appointment with the children. Today it really annoys me because I will have to drive 20min to go pick her up, then 40min to the appointment and then again 40min to drop her off and the children will be in the car for this whole time. Abroad I would ask the person looking after them to take them to the park, speak to them in the foreign language etc so that time was actually good for them. i have suggested MIL to go to the park but she won’t. DD hates going over to their house because there’s nothing to do. Their idea of childcare is ordering pizza and putting the TV on, this was exciting for DD as a novelty for the first few times and has gotten boring for her now.

it annoys me having to ask them for help, I am looking for other solutions and only ask them for the bare necessities ie if I have an appointment.

I thought they would look after DD perhaps once a week, pick her up from school, take her to the park, do crafts, read books… not just sit in the car waiting for me to be back. Sometimes I have given her smth to do with the kids and it was just been a nightmare. Ie baking, she just messed the whole thing so it was inedible, shouted at DD and the kitchen was a huge mess. I told her to just go sit down and cleaned the kitchen instead of getting the stuff done I had planned to do.

My husband said his parents always come over if I need something. I was quiet, he said oh come on you have to admit whenever you call they always come. I said they come over when I absolutely need someone to look after the children but I thought they would actually help more regularly not just when I have an appointment. And I thought the quality of care would be better.

i am in the process of finding a childminder for our youngest as there’s no question they could look after her in many years still.

Another thing annoys me is I have asked many times if they could childproof their house, given childlocks etc and could see how annoyed they were when I asked at the very least not to leave the bleach out.

I am sorting other help out so hopefully I won’t need to ask them to ever look after the children, but I feel sad for the children as I was hoping they would have a relationship with their grandparents. Occasionally if we do something fun I will ask if they want to come along so they can spend the day with the children and will probably continue to do that every now and then.

So how did it work with the childminder abroad? Didn't you need to prepare DD for that?

People are different. They are not going to be as good at dealing with your DD as you. Give them clear instructions . They may be nervous about being far from you with your DD.

I know and understand what you wrote in your OP. However it seems they do want to be present - but not in the way you want.

Same with my parents and in laws. And I expect I will be the same with my kids children

The OP didn't say they came back because the ILs insisted they uproot their lives . She said, We moved from abroad a year ago and one of the reasons for the move was to be closer to husband’s family

So it was one of the reasons.

Are people reading the same OP?

The gps said “you’ll never need to look for any other childcare”, suggesting they were planning to provide some. Most people realise this means actually doing something with the children rather than sitting in the car or watching telly, and that they need a safe space to be in.

OP has also said she’s happy to pay for childcare - and will be - but that the GPs will be annoyed. That’s surely unreasonable of them.

Equally your DH is a bit unreasonable to want there to be a relationship but for it never to happen during his weekends.

YNBU to be disappointed with the way things have turned out. I understand you want more engagement with the DC from them. The situation is not ideal.

But at the same time you are lucky to have them to call on for appointments, emergency etc. A lot of people don’t have that and it’s really handy. It is still benefiting your DC to have the time with them that they do even if they watch too much tv, sit in the car etc.

I guess you’ve got a decent enough foundation to build on even if you need some other solutions for childcare too.

You could dictate what the childminder did because you were paying her.

If they come whenever you need them then that is a pretty good deal. It might not be what you had hoped for but you know that they will be there if you need them.

And actually, they may lack confidence looking after two such young children, including one with SEN and prone to meltdowns. And incidents like with the baking, which didn't go to plan and ended with you clearing up after sending them out of the way, have knocked any confidence they did have.

I think you need to build their confidence gradually - slightly increasing the time or the quality of experience.

Honestly, it sounds as if they are trying their best. They come whenever you ask and try activities you suggest such as the baking. Maybe the reality is more exhausting or intimidating than they thought.

If your husband doesn’t want to make much effort, does it really make much sense for you to do it?

I know the idea of grandparents is nice but these ones don’t sound too bothered.

And how do you know they just put the tv on? I have never known a 1yo or a 5yo sit in front of the tv for any significant length of time. If your 5yo tells you they 'just watched tv' could it have been after some other activities when they needed a rest, or while they sorted the younger child? I teach and children are notoriously unreliable narrators particularly if they sense that they are telling you what you want to hear.

I think accusing OP of being ridiculous to
ask grandparents to ‘alter their house to her instructions’ is disingenuous and silly. Imagine a post on here ‘my MIL asked to have my dd for the afternoon. We moved country so she could have a relationship with DD. And my dd drank bleach that granny left on the side even though I’ve told MIL many times that she should put it away.’ OP would be told that she was a terrible parent for leaving her child with a non-responsible person! Or ‘my dd nearly fell out of a window as MIL hadn’t put a child lock on the handle’ … it doesn’t bear thinking about! Anyone who has a child in their home regularly needs to make it safe.

I know where you are coming from. You just want a bit of effort made. It's sad, yes, they don't have to provide childcare but they should want to see their grandchildren. This could be at a time that is also helpful to you.
We are in the same position. Gp would ring and say 'we miss the children' so we would arrange to drop them off. They would be sat in the house all day watching TV with no interaction from GP. If they did take them out it would be to a coffee shop so they would play up and get moaned at. Kids would come back hyper from eating too many biscuits and having no exercise. It wasn't worry the couple of hours 'childcare' to be honest. It just felt like a cop out/laziness on their part. The children are a bit older now and don't want to see them........you reap what you sow 🤷‍♀️

This unfortunately many people say stuff and then it is a load of crap

I have just read through all the comments- there was a lot of questions and I will try to answer all that I remember.

yes I am working - I run a business which allows me to care for DD2 at the same time. I do paperwork etc when she’s sleeping, but this is also a reason why I need a childminder for her as I need more time for papework. My MIL shocked me by saying that I needed to stop breastfeeding so they could have her over, I said the breastfeeding wasn’t really an issue, but the house would need to be made safe for children. At the moment I can’t see leaving her there until she’s at least 3 as they haven’t baby proofed anything at all and there’s so much stuff everywhere. She said they wouldn’t leave her out of their sight for a min, but this is just not possible. She has pets etc she would need to cook, use the toilet, things can happen very quickly.

someone asked about inheritance, we are not expecting to be inheriting anything as they are quite happily spending anything there would be to inherit. Which is fine for us, it’s their money to do what they want.

when we were abroad we didn’t know DD had autism so we didn’t understand what was causing her meltdowns, now that we understand her better we want to try and avoid those situations as much as possible. But she wasn’t having as many meltdowns as when we get her back from GP’s - I think this is because they don’t understand her needs. Today she had a meltdown because MIL gave her a new toy but refused to cut the tag of it. Another time it was because they didn’t allow her to go play in the playroom- this is her routine what she is used to doing after school so not being allowed to do so caused a big meltdown when we came back. I think they say no a lot to things they could just let go easily.

As for the baby proofing I have just asked for the very basics- cleaning products either high up or locked with baby lock, cords from blinds baby proofed (given them what they needed for it), knives etc out of reach. Cat litter box so she can’t reach it. They haven’t done any of this which is why baby hasn’t spent time there yet.

DD doesn’t have meltdowns with them, just when we get her back, which is why they don’t reply understand her difficulties.

I think your pils had underestimated how much time you are expecting them to spend with your dd and if she is autistic, they may find her too challenging. Saying that, why wouldn’t they just take her to the park? Have you tried just driving there and saying you’ll pick them up after the appointment?

I’m really sorry this has happened and I feel such sympathy for you.

Not sure if this helps but we had something similar happen - we live abroad and IL GP were constantly saying how much easier our life would be if we moved home. We went home at Xmas for 2 weeks and it was such an eye opener - like yours, the GP weren’t actually interested in helping out, despite lots of comments about how much support they would provide. I sat myself down after 48 hours and gave myself a talking to about how it wasn’t their responsibility to raise my child and that I should appreciate anything they did but that was more to manage my own disappointment while we were there & not cause IL issues.

After a week my DH would ask them to do something specific as even he was shocked at how unhelpful they were. It didn’t make a difference - they would drag their feet or make it clear they didn’t want to feed the baby porridge or help with bath or basically do anything so I ended up doing everything with an audience ( they would sit there and just watch me). Any time they “looked after her” which would be so I could have a shower or hang out washing or whatever they would just switch on the giant tv and put the horse racing on even though they knew our DD doesn’t watch TV as is only 1. I even took our DD to the hairdresser with me as they were giving all the clues they couldn’t be bothered and I knew it would be tv the whole time I was away and I would never take her to hairdresser at home it’s crap for everyone - me, her, the other people relaxing.

When we got home and reflected on WTF had happened I tried to give them benefit of the doubt. I felt maybe they had aged a lot since last time they had to look after young kids ( we are youngest to have kids so it’s been like 8 years since they had to look after a toddler) and maybe they forgot how much energy toddlers take and just don’t have it anymore. I think also they come from a different generation and honestly thought putting a 1 year old in front of a giant tv to watch horse racing and the news at 9am is normal ( it’s how I was raised) and probably they thought we were ridiculous. I know they thought it was ludicrous when I took our DD to the local library to borrow some books and play.

It taught me that I am very glad we don’t have to rely on them for childcare and can afford to put for it, and it opened our eyes that our lives would not be easier if we lived nearby. It disabused us of the notion of moving home quick smart.

I have friends who rely on GP for regular childcare for eg work, and the times it is successful the GP do what the parents ask - ie no tv, take to park, do baking etc. but they are incredibly lucky and it’s not common.

I am sorry for what it’s worth and I feel we had a “near miss”.

Can you specifically ask them why they won’t do basic childproofing like putting cleaning products out of reach?

Disappointing if your in laws have overpromised on what they were actually willing/able to offer in the form of childcare and yet…I got the impression from your OP that you’d lived in a country where domestic staff are woefully underpaid and it’s given you a bit of a skewed perspective of the true value of childcare or cleaners.

Some people aren't that interested in kids, even their own grandkids. But that doesn't mean they admit this.

We had one grandparent who "loves" seeing the grandkids but barely speaks to them when we visit.

Some people are just selfish unfortunately.

What I meant by my last paragraph is that if you’re used to not paying much for a cleaner or someone to provide childcare ‘whenever you want it’ it’s easy to lose sight of just how valuable these things are. Having someone to watch your kids for free while you go to an appointment sounds absolutely wonderful to me but then I’m coming from the perspective of having to book half a day’s annual leave to do this so I could go whilst DC are in paid for childcare.

I’m not saying you should be unendingly grateful for whatever scraps of childcare you’re given but I think the odd reminder to yourself that you’re still in a much better position in terms of family support than a lot of people would be no bad thing. It might be less than was sold to you but it still sounds pretty good in many ways.

Maybe they were initially excited about providing childcare but didn’t realise it would be all the time and that the quality of their input would be assessed and found wanting. It would certainly make me less keen to provide completely free, at any time childcare if I got the impression this wasn’t being gratefully received.

Pay for childcare. That isn’t the job of a grandparent.

we are in a situation where we don’t have any grandparents available for childcare. We get by with work childcare using a paid childminder which works well. I don’t feel the guilt that I would feel had I burdened grandparents with childcare for this amount of time. However, I feel an ache where my children miss out on their grandparents which I feel you may be referring to. You see other people’s kids going for regular sleepovers/teas/park visits because they want their grandchildren to visit and have the bond with them. Not just because you have something on-just a want to soend time with them. I feel you on that, 100%. It’s disappointment rather than expectation.

They come whenever you ask, attempt suggested activities such as the baking and sound kind.

I don't think there is anything to suggest that they're 'not bothered' about gc as some pp have suggested.

I think you expected a service similar to that provided by your paid childminder - qualified, experienced, confident in the role.

Many would be nervous about a 1yo and a 5yo, one of whom has SEN. Build their confidence gradually.

Yeah it's shit. Based my fucking life around an MIL who doesn't give a rats arse. Should've moved back closer to my parents but it's more complicated than that. Fucking literally useless MIL.

My parents are like this.. DD is 9 / DS 6 and my parents (who live a few miles down the road) have never once offered to pick my kids up from school, take them out for tea, for a day out... Nothing. But consider themselves doting grandparents 🤷‍♀️

It does sound like your PIL are trying at least (offering to pick DD up from school etc) but just don't understand her needs properly.
Can your DH have a word with them?

I don't think you're being unreasonable in terms of them going on about wanting a close relationship, you moving away from a country where you could afford support and then them sitting in a car with them or plonking them in front of the TV.

I have a similar but less annoying issue - in laws aren't in the same country, they come to stay and say they're desperate to see GC, but then sit on their phones with the TV blaring absolute crap from 10am until 10pm, with no interaction with our children. They don't play with them, speak to them, ask them what they're doing etc. They don't leave the house at all, just sit and do nothing the entire time other than go on phones and ipad with tv on. Seems like such a waste of time and money on their part, and mine and my partners sanity. The sad thing is the children then ask why their grandparents are there and when they're going.... they also trash our house it's absolutely gross. Dreading when they want to come and visit after the birth of our 3rd! When MIl visited and stayed after the other births she just criticised everything from her sofa thrown and did nothing at all to help 🤣

If you were expecting them to clean your house and give regular care and they didn't want to do that, then that is unreasonable, but from how I've read your post they led you to believe they wanted to be hands on grandparents (e.g. see them fairly regularly and do things with them) and they're not.

@magma32 to correct you OP specifically said "one of the reasons" OP and family moved so no DGP were not reason for move but a motivating / contributory factor.

I think a lot of people might have more understanding when they are the ones being asked to baby proof their home, drop plans, provide childcare for a 5yo with SEN and a 1yo, and then also being criticised for not providing enriching enough activities. They come whenever you ask.