AIBU to be disappointed at the amount of support from grandparents

[LongStoryShorty]

We moved from abroad a year ago and one of the reasons for the move was to be closer to husband’s family as they were so adamant they wanted to be present in DC’s lives and even said once we would never need to think of any other kind of help for childcare as childcare was covered if we moved back to the UK.

Abroad help was cheaper so I had a cleaner who came and cleaned the house top to bottom once a week, someone I could call whenever I needed childcare. The grandparents are basically like the person I used to call for childcare, they come over if I have an appointment etc but she will often just sit in the car for the duration of the appointment with the children. Today it really annoys me because I will have to drive 20min to go pick her up, then 40min to the appointment and then again 40min to drop her off and the children will be in the car for this whole time. Abroad I would ask the person looking after them to take them to the park, speak to them in the foreign language etc so that time was actually good for them. i have suggested MIL to go to the park but she won’t. DD hates going over to their house because there’s nothing to do. Their idea of childcare is ordering pizza and putting the TV on, this was exciting for DD as a novelty for the first few times and has gotten boring for her now.

it annoys me having to ask them for help, I am looking for other solutions and only ask them for the bare necessities ie if I have an appointment.

I thought they would look after DD perhaps once a week, pick her up from school, take her to the park, do crafts, read books… not just sit in the car waiting for me to be back. Sometimes I have given her smth to do with the kids and it was just been a nightmare. Ie baking, she just messed the whole thing so it was inedible, shouted at DD and the kitchen was a huge mess. I told her to just go sit down and cleaned the kitchen instead of getting the stuff done I had planned to do.

My husband said his parents always come over if I need something. I was quiet, he said oh come on you have to admit whenever you call they always come. I said they come over when I absolutely need someone to look after the children but I thought they would actually help more regularly not just when I have an appointment. And I thought the quality of care would be better.

i am in the process of finding a childminder for our youngest as there’s no question they could look after her in many years still.

Another thing annoys me is I have asked many times if they could childproof their house, given childlocks etc and could see how annoyed they were when I asked at the very least not to leave the bleach out.

I am sorting other help out so hopefully I won’t need to ask them to ever look after the children, but I feel sad for the children as I was hoping they would have a relationship with their grandparents. Occasionally if we do something fun I will ask if they want to come along so they can spend the day with the children and will probably continue to do that every now and then.

I totally empathise, my inlaws are like the perfect grandparents, always thinking up activities and so keen to spend time. The others are very much on their own terms and I always feel I have to be so grateful with what they deign to do, like they feel a sense of obligation.

Why do you think your children are someone else's responsibility?

She doesn't. But read the OP. The parents told her that they would do all the childcare if OP and family returned to the UK.

OP is perfectly entitled to feel as though she was conned into returning.

I have read the OP and it says that the GPs always look after children when she asks them to. So they are doing exactly what they said.

OP's objections seem to be that she wants a higher standard of childcare and that she wants the GPs to spontaneously offer to have the children.

Sounds like a mismatch in communication and expectations to me.

LOL

No one owes you interest in your child/ren.

Your in laws sound super helpful to me!! Imagine always being available every time you asked. If only my parents/ in-laws were that helpful, I’d be so grateful. Your perspective is verrrrry entitled. Your DH has a point.

So my husband used the words they always come around when I ask and they do come most of the time, but not always. Sometimes they do say no, but I prefer them to say no than to say yes and not to actually feel up to it. So my problem isn’t about them having other plans, being ill etc not being available on an occasion when I ask them. I also need to book them early and remind them a week before and the day before so they don’t forget. And I don’t actually ask them very often, I would say on average 1-2 times per month, some months may be more and sometimes months go by without me asking them for any help.

I agree with this 100%.

this is exactly why I have been so disappointed. I thought they would be great, but I would only see them once a year and didn’t realise about all these issues that have made me not able to leave DD2 with them, but also feeling uncomfortable leaving DD1.

my problem isn’t about paying for childcare, we have found an amazing childminder, she’s perfect and a little bit older so hopefully a little bit like a grandmother figure to the children. My disappointment is more with the fact I wasn’t close with my grandparents and I was hoping my children would be- but I have realised that 1) they can still have a relationship with them- even if they just see them once a month. You don’t choose your family, so eventhough they are not perfect we should still make the effort 2) what will they actually be teaching the children- their eating habits are horrendous and FIL is so obese he’s struggling to move and is not looking after his own health, they don’t take into account DD Autism or sensory difficulties which makes her have more meltdowns when she comes back (MIL tries, but still is not actually able to either), they don’t do fun things with the kids when they are looking after them

Most people I know, me included, don't have GPs nearby so can't rely on them.

In addition everyone i know, incl me, who has SEN children, eventually scales back interactions with lots of people incl family because they are not "our tribe". They don't understand. Won't understand. Aren't interested enough.
And we don't have the bandwidth so we stay in our own homes and choose carefully who to invite in and who not to. And even more carefully who to lures you out of home!!

If you have found a lovely CM nearby - awesome. They are like gold dust do hold on tight!!!!

TBH it sounds like your in laws can’t do right for doing wrong. What exactly do you expect from them OP?

They obviously don’t live up to your expectations. Maybe it would be best, all round, if you moved back to where you came from - for everyone’s sakes.

Sounds like the usual thing - looking after small children is MUCH harder work than what they remember.

We're in the same boat, op. All I want is some kindly grandparents to do some jigsaws / reading / play cards or whatever but they seem to just it all too much.

This is a lot more than most people get from grandparents. Again, you are expecting too much. Seeing their grandparents once or twice a month is a fabulous baseline for your children building a strong relationship, regardless of whether you think their childcare is up to scratch. Pay the childminder to do the work in the way you want and concentrate on supporting your children to have a relationship with their grandparents as their family.

I can see why you're very disappointed. I would be too.

But, just to turn it around a little bit, is it possible that they are feeling the same way? You don't sound as if you're being very affectionate towards them, and perhaps seem brusque and businesslike if you're phoning up only when you have an appointment. What about going to do something all together as a bonding experience and so you can model the kinds of things you do with DD.

The other thing is the autism. I have two friends with DCs with autism, both of the same age as mine, and to be honest in both cases I now look to see them only in the evening, because I find outings and visits with their children really unpleasant and exhausting. The last time one of the children came here he left my then toddler in tears after taking all of his Lego and refusing to play with it or look at him, and then hitting him on the hand when he tried to take it back. Your daughter might not be like this, but even trained professionals find looking after children with autism challenging.

So I so actually invite them along to outings quite frequently, just so they can have a relationship with DC. I invite her if we are going to a farm, playgroups (MIL loves them) and MIL does come along. FIL finds it hard to move so rarely comes over. I love MIL, but in small bits. I can’t spend too much time with her so I do need to limit that time for my sanity. I invite her along for the kids sake more than mine. MIL actually has BPD which is why I find it so hard to spend long periods of time with her, and I think this is also unfortunately why DD has so many meltdowns when she has spent time with her (MIL is very loud, constantly making noise- DD is sensitive to noise) But I am always very grateful to her for any help and also make sure we remember them on special occasions with gifts from the kids etc to make them feel loved.

FIL finds it hard to move

But you expected to never need alternative childcare?

I do understand your disappointment and agree they are not doing a good job as per my previous post.

However tbh I do also think you were very naive thinking they would be fine doing solo childcare for a 4 yr old with specific needs and a 1 yr old, especially on the basis of only having seen them once a year. It’s great you’ve found a good childminder.

Keep doing the joint outings and make sure DH does his share of these too - he ought to share responsibility for his DC seeing their GPs. If they are near perhaps you can pop in for brief visits “on your way to” something else.

what ages are the grandparents?

I think the autism is a key factor here. If I have understood correctly, you didn't know about that when they made the offer to help and when you decided to move back home. Given the flexibility of your own work, I think what they're offering would have worked OK for an NT child who didn't need a rigid regime. The issue is that their approach doesn't work for your dd, and they don't seem willing or able to change it.

Obviously, none of you could have predicted this situation, but it is what it is and you have to find a way forward. If that means not relying on them for childcare, then so be it.

My disappointment is more with the fact I wasn’t close with my grandparents and I was hoping my children would be

Being close to your grandparents is nothing to do with how much childcare they provide though. You are mixing up two different things. Some grandparents never provide any childcare, and have amazingly close relationships.

I also think that helping you out 1-2 times a month on average is a pretty decent amount of help! I do think your expectations are skewed.

I would warn against people moving to be near to gps who promise they will provide childcare/baby sitting/can’t wait to be able to see and look after dgc/can’t wait to have the family closer as then they can see parents and gc more.

Of the 2 people who I know who have done this
One uprooted their lives to move closer to parents who announced on their moving day that they were retiring to a place 250 miles away.

The 2nd couple who had both come from the same area moved from one end of the country to the other to be nearer to both sets of grandparents who had promised all sorts including each set of grandparents providing 2days of childcare each whilst friend worked f/t and they would take it in turns on the 5th day to save them a lot of money. Gps had everything mapped out.

The day after they moved both sets of gps announced that they weren’t to expect childcare and any babysitting just because they lived up the road.

One year later they moved back to a smaller house but with friend support and childcare they could jut afford.

Friend said that they had only been back a couple of weeks when her mother started saying about if she moved they wouldn’t have to pay for childcare

Friend said what she replied was unprintable