Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this situation with DD?

81 replies

ljs22 · 26/10/2022 21:47

DD 16 just came home from a friend's house on the bus. It's about a 30 min bus ride. She was upset when she got home saying a man roughly in his 60s who was clearly drunk (smelt of alcohol and was swaying when he got on the bus) had chosen to sit right next to her despite there being many other free seats. She said he stared at her and made her feel uncomfortable, put his face close to her when talking to her and told her she was really pretty etc. She was trying to ignore him and looking at her phone, messaging friends etc, and said he was constantly looking at what she was doing on her phone. At one point he also touched her arm because she had turned away from him in an attempt to ignore him. She said she wanted to tell him to move away but felt too scared to do so.

I don't know what I'm posting for. I suppose I'm just upset on her behalf that men feel this sort of behaviour is appropriate especially towards a teenage girl. DD is very pretty and attracts a lot of attention from boys her own age, but this feels different and almost bordering on harassment the way she described it.

How can I advise her to manage this in future?

OP posts:
Hurrayforfridays · 26/10/2022 21:51

Oh that's shit. And depressing. I'd be uoset on her behalf too. On a practical level, sit next to the aisle, not the window, so people can't sit next to you and stop you getting off.

Dacadactyl · 26/10/2022 21:53

Yes, always sit in the aisle and after dark i would be tempted to tell her to sit nearer the front by the driver.

Also, she should not feel afraid to get up and move away from him to nearer the driver.

Original poster
ljs22 · 26/10/2022 21:56

Thanks, that's good advice. She was sitting in the second to front row but she was near the window. I told her not to be afraid to say "excuse me" and get out and move elsewhere but she said she didn't want to speak to him.

OP posts:
GoutFine · 26/10/2022 21:56

Yes that's awful. I'd be teaching her she doesn't owe "politeness" to strangers and if anyone is making her feel uncomfortable whether or not she feels she is justified feeling that way, she should change the situation. So in that situation she could have said "excuse me" - got up and sat close to the driver and told the other passenger (if they object) she needed to concentrate on reading something.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 26/10/2022 21:58

Also she can tell the driver what is happening. They may tell the other person to get off.

UWhatNow · 26/10/2022 22:03

I didn’t allow my 16 year old dd to travel 30 mins on a bus in the evening for exactly this reason. Public transport is shit for women - especially young vulnerable ones. Any woman would struggle to be assertive in that situation let alone a 16 year old.

TheBulletThatMissed · 26/10/2022 22:04

YANBU

Gives me the rage reading it. Some good advice re. where to sit and if she feels able to move/say something, but bottom line - she shouldn’t have to learn to ‘be assertive’ to not be harassed.

Dacadactyl · 26/10/2022 22:04

UWhatNow · 26/10/2022 22:03

I didn’t allow my 16 year old dd to travel 30 mins on a bus in the evening for exactly this reason. Public transport is shit for women - especially young vulnerable ones. Any woman would struggle to be assertive in that situation let alone a 16 year old.

While I agree somewhat with what you are saying, youngsters do need to learn how to handle these situations (because sadly they do happen)

Original poster
ljs22 · 26/10/2022 22:05

UWhatNow · 26/10/2022 22:03

I didn’t allow my 16 year old dd to travel 30 mins on a bus in the evening for exactly this reason. Public transport is shit for women - especially young vulnerable ones. Any woman would struggle to be assertive in that situation let alone a 16 year old.

I know. It's hard to strike the balance between letting her live her life with her friends and keeping her safe from creeps like this. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 26/10/2022 22:07

I just told her to sit in the aisle seat and she said "I'd feel rude doing that in case someone needed a seat". Bless her. I've told her to hell with that, she needs to feel safe first and foremost!

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 26/10/2022 22:07

Don't buses have cctv, you could poss take it further

Dacadactyl · 26/10/2022 22:11

ljs22 · 26/10/2022 22:07

I just told her to sit in the aisle seat and she said "I'd feel rude doing that in case someone needed a seat". Bless her. I've told her to hell with that, she needs to feel safe first and foremost!

The beauty of taking the aisle seat is that she can make a judgement as to whether she is happy to sit next to the person who "may need a seat". If a drunk 60 yo man was trying to squeeze past her into the window seat, she could decide to get up at that point and move.

Winter789Mermaid · 26/10/2022 22:12

It’s shit isn’t it that men continue to get away with this intimidating behaviour. My younger DD was coming home from school recently on a train and had a guy stand over her “stretching” made her feel very uncomfortable as he blocked her exit and although a busy train everyone in her seat section had got off. I was so angry on her behalf but super shocked that DH looked in disbelief that this had happened and tried to minimise it as a one off. Boy did I laugh at that and sadly tell him it had happened loads to me over the years, and got his sister to text him in agreement that she’d experienced similar things multiple times as a young woman. I told her next time (as sadly there will be a next time). Try to move seats, find another woman if possible, or phone me for a support chat.

JanglyBeads · 26/10/2022 22:15

There was a very similar thread to this a couple of weeks ago iirc.....

TheBulletThatMissed · 26/10/2022 22:23

She needs to find menopausal women like me who have both the rage and enough life experience of this shit that we’ll will happily give pricks like this a dressing down in public if they dare behave inappropriately with our young girls - or anyone else for that matter.

AngelinaFibres · 26/10/2022 22:25

Dacadactyl · 26/10/2022 22:11

The beauty of taking the aisle seat is that she can make a judgement as to whether she is happy to sit next to the person who "may need a seat". If a drunk 60 yo man was trying to squeeze past her into the window seat, she could decide to get up at that point and move.

Show quote history

She can also stand up and allow a person she is happy to sit next to to take the window seat and then she can return to the aisle seat.

MsTSwift · 26/10/2022 22:27

My 13 year old had a grim man say vile sexual things to her on a bus. Her and another woman in her twenties told the driver and he threw the man off the bus.

Have told my girls there is no reason for any adult man to speak to them on public transport and if they do say “leave me alone” and sit with the driver. Fuck “be kind”.

TheUsualChaos · 26/10/2022 22:42

Absolutely fuck BeKind. Just another way of teaching girls to stay quiet and not complain.

At the very least she needs to have the confidence to just get up and sit somewhere else. But she probably felt that might offend him or make her seem rude. Men act like this because women are conditioned by society to not make a fuss.

Mariposista · 26/10/2022 22:43

ljs22 · 26/10/2022 22:05

I know. It's hard to strike the balance between letting her live her life with her friends and keeping her safe from creeps like this. 😞

Show quote history

Not allowing her to travel by bus will achieve nothing. This could happen to any woman, aged 16, 18, 24, 28, 30... need I go on? She is doing the right thing by taking public transport and not walking alone in the dark - he is the creep who is in the wrong.
Agree with the above posters, move if necessary, don't be afraid to involve the driver, carry a personal alarm if she feels safer with one.

Smileatthesmallthings · 26/10/2022 22:47

Definitely agree with the sitting in aisle seat. Maybe get her to practice saying in a nice loud voice something like 'Stop, you're making me uncomfortable' That may not necessarily stop the guy but it would certainly get the attention of other passengers or the driver who (hopefully) would intervene - I know I would. If she's shaken up by the whole thing and it puts her off getting the bus etc perhaps see if you can get her into a martial arts/self defence class - maybe even with you?
I'm sorry this happened to her. Some people are just shit.

redbigbananafeet · 26/10/2022 22:47

Kathrine Ryan tells her early teen daughter to shout "Fuck off paedo!" in such situations. I think something along the lines of "Leave me alone, get away from me, I do not want you sitting beside me!" would be suitable in this situation. Teach her to use her voice.

redbigbananafeet · 26/10/2022 22:48

GoutFine · 26/10/2022 21:56

Yes that's awful. I'd be teaching her she doesn't owe "politeness" to strangers and if anyone is making her feel uncomfortable whether or not she feels she is justified feeling that way, she should change the situation. So in that situation she could have said "excuse me" - got up and sat close to the driver and told the other passenger (if they object) she needed to concentrate on reading something.

That's still too polite. She doesn't have to lie that she's reading. "I'm 16 and don't want a 60 year old man leering at me in my personal space."

Rosebel · 26/10/2022 22:49

Your poor DD. I hope she's okay, what a horrible thing to happen. I can understand why she didn't want to speak to him she must have felt so intimidated.
Absolutely asile seat every time or better still try and get a friend to travel with you although not always possible.

Beamur · 26/10/2022 22:58

Hugs to your DD.
Horrible thing to happen but she's ok and can be better prepared if this happens again.
I think that the best advice is to stop feeling as if you have to be polite or tolerant to someone with no respect for your comfort or boundaries.
Sit on the aisle seat. Or if she wants to sit by the window, if someone tries to sit there, just stand up and move. No explanation no apologies.
Sit next to an older woman if there is one!
Speak to the driver if she's being harassed.

cc1997 · 26/10/2022 23:00

She absolutely should have got up and told the driver that someone was making her feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Please teach her that using her voice, loud and proud, is so important, especially for women.

"No"
"You are making me feel uncomfortable, move away now

She shouldn't be embarrassed. Please teach her instead how to embarrass someone else when appropriate if feeling threatened. Loud and proud.