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Original poster

Screaming at us to shush

81 replies

Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:24

Dd, just turned 4 has started shouting at us to shush and to go away etc if she’s angry (usually if she doesn’t get something she wants)
She wasn’t like this before and it’s been the last couple of months.
It’s just so rude and disrespectful screaming at us to shush, anything I do isn’t working to try to calm/stop this.
Is this normal? What should I do?

OP posts:
DoTheHoochyPoochy · 26/10/2022 19:27

It's normal , bite down on a wooden spoon for the next 15 years Grin
I feel your pain

MolliciousIntent · 26/10/2022 19:30

Ha. I did this to my mum once when I was about 6 and she didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. When I got upset she said "you told me to shush, so I have" and then went back to silence. At bedtime she told me that she didn't like being told to shush, and if I did it again she would stop talking to me again. Never did it again.

FaceLikeASmackedArse · 26/10/2022 19:34

It's very normal, she's developing, finding out who she is and testing boundaries.

Yesterday my 10 Yr old told his 85 Yr old great grandmother to shut up and then stormed off upstairs. I marched him right back down, embarrassed him by telling him off in front of her and then made him apologise.

It's normal for kids to try this stuff out and see what they can get away with. It's just not normal to actually let them get away with it. There has to be some consequences. Negative behaviour equals a negative consequence (in this instance, my DS was chastised in front of the person he was rude to, made to make amends and then lost his playstation for the rest of the afternoon).

Squashpocket · 26/10/2022 19:34

Fuck me @MolliciousIntent that's a bit much. Giving a small child the silent treatment all day is horrible. Don't do that OP. I would go with a firm 'don't tell me to shush, it's rude' and tell her the consequences if she does it again, whatever would usually get her attention. If she does it again follow through with the consequences.

Also yes it's normal, if this is the worst she's done so far you're doing fine.

DoubleHelix79 · 26/10/2022 19:35

DD (always a very headstrong child) definitely went through an especially challenging time at around 4. Lots of rudeness, telling us to go away etc. We're in a better place now at 5. Remember 'this too shall pass'

Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:35

@MolliciousIntent She does it a lot during games she makes up, which we get wrong because she hasn’t explained the rules or changes them, then gets angry and shouts, so we speak back and get screamed at to shush. We’ve ended up calmly walking away saying the game is over until she can stop shouting etc. I’ve ended up losing patience and shouting back (not ideal I know, but her shouting is insane) talking to her when she’s calm about how we don’t sat that etc…nothing works.
I’m trying your mums idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:36

@DoTheHoochyPoochy 😫

OP posts:
Pipsickl · 26/10/2022 19:36

My nearly 4 year old has just started doing stuff like this too. Being rude when asking for things and asking me to hurry up. Also repeating the same bloody question over and over again.

it’s a pain in the arse but I think it’s prob normal as my friends little girl has started doing it too

Kanaloa · 26/10/2022 19:37

It’s typical tantrum behaviour. I’d remove her to a different place such as her bedroom and ask her to come and speak to you when she is calm. At that point I’d say clearly ‘please don’t scream at me, it’s rude and it makes me feel sad.’ If you make loads of fuss over it in the moment it’s just going to fuel it as she’ll associate screaming shush with getting attention.

Kanaloa · 26/10/2022 19:38

As for the games she makes up - that’s a control thing. If my kids ever complained or got snappy I’d just have said ‘okay I’m not playing it right, you play it’ and walk away. No option for shouting/rudeness.

Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:38

@DoubleHelix79 How did you deal
with it?

OP posts:
MossGrowsFat · 26/10/2022 19:38

I agree with the biting a spoon and this too shall pass.

The best advice I've ever been given is that if a child continues doing something it is because it is meeting their need.

So by doing this behaviour you are giving them back what they want, so is it extra attention, being shouted at, getting a reaction, giving in? What is it you are doing that is meeting their need, and what can you do to change it.

ldontWanna · 26/10/2022 19:39

Do you/someone else in her life ever ask her to shush/be quiet/shut up ? Or use it in front of her?

MolliciousIntent · 26/10/2022 19:39

Squashpocket · 26/10/2022 19:34

Fuck me @MolliciousIntent that's a bit much. Giving a small child the silent treatment all day is horrible. Don't do that OP. I would go with a firm 'don't tell me to shush, it's rude' and tell her the consequences if she does it again, whatever would usually get her attention. If she does it again follow through with the consequences.

Also yes it's normal, if this is the worst she's done so far you're doing fine.

It wasn't all day, it was 2 hours at most. OP has tried consequences, talking while calm, etc etc, and she's still being treated like shit. Time for bigger guns.

Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:41

@ldontWanna That's what we can’t work out, we can’t remember saying that and it isn’t something we regularly say. She’s just started school so I don’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:42

@MossGrowsFat What should I do? Just ignore being screamed at to shush 🙈it’s so hard as it’s so rude and disrespectful

OP posts:
123ZYX · 26/10/2022 19:42

DS has done this sometimes. Try to stay calm and say something like "I can see you're frustrated/ angry/ etc at the moment and need some time by yourself to calm down. You can sit in the <appropriate room> while you calm down then let me know when you're ready for a cuddle". You can talk to her about her shushing you and whatever else was bothering her when she's calm.

(Or at least that's what I try to do - not always easy to stay that calm!)

Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:43

@Pipsickl Yes she does that too, just so intense and grouchy too

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 26/10/2022 19:43

Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:41

@ldontWanna That's what we can’t work out, we can’t remember saying that and it isn’t something we regularly say. She’s just started school so I don’t know

Does it happen in context? For example she doesn't like what you're saying (no matter how reasonable you might be) and it makes her angry/upset/cross so she just wants you to stop ?

Choconut · 26/10/2022 19:46

Don't send her to her room, bedrooms should be a place of safety not punishment. Every time she does it it tell her calmly that it's rude to shush people and you don't want to play while she's being rude.
It sounds like she thinks you automatically will know any rules she makes up on the spot and doesn't understand that that's not the case. This is obvious to an adult of course! Later when she's calm explain that you don't know the rules of the game if she doesn't tell you them all or if she doesn't tell you when they change. If she always changes the rules in her favour then I would address that too.

Expect to have to go over and over things like this though - think stuck record and plenty of patience! Just because she's not getting it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, she just needs to have it gently drummed into her until she gets it (which may require her to mature a little emotionally as well).

Original poster
Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:50

@ldontWanna It’s if she’s being told something she doesn’t want to hear. For example, it was time for bed before with Dh and she wanted something to eat, I gave her of options of the rest of her dinner she hadn’t eaten, fruit, yoghurt, a couple of biscuits. She wanted cereal, which I said is for the morning, she went nuts about how she wanted it, I was very calm and kept reiterating how it was for the morning and she had other choices and it was bedtime now. When I’m telling her that, she gets angrier and starts to shout to shush, then I start to say she can’t talk like that as it’s rude etc etc and she shouts more to try to drown me out. I feel like I’m in a real power struggle and she wasn’t like this before

OP posts:
MossGrowsFat · 26/10/2022 19:51

Nopeaceinthishouse · 26/10/2022 19:42

@MossGrowsFat What should I do? Just ignore being screamed at to shush 🙈it’s so hard as it’s so rude and disrespectful

It's not, she isn't doing it to be disrespectful, she doesn't understand.

Personally I would just say once 'that's rude' and I'd get up and walk away and I wouldn't engage until she calmed down. Inside my head I would be screaming but outwardly I'd be very calm and concentrating on my breathing. Rinse and repeat.

Lunificent · 26/10/2022 19:51

My daughter has always done this. She is autistic so finds our voices too much of a sensory challenge.
it’s most likely that this is just a feature of her age and it will pass. Try to put yourself in her shoes and imagine yourself with equivalent feelings as an adult.

MossGrowsFat · 26/10/2022 19:58

The cereal issue, if you are going to offer something only two items, it is just too much, also don't try and reason it is genuinely impossible.

So Sarah, you can have your dinner or an apple.
'I want cereal give me cereal'
''Mummy is going to have a slice of apple, would you like to share my apple'
'Cereal'
Slice apple and sit down and ignore anything else that is said. Don't get side tracked with any other issue, such as cereal is for morning (it isn't but that's not the issue 😆) as she can't hear you or process what is going on when she gets like this.
It is perfectly normal behaviour, you setting boundaries and being calm will help her develop.

OnomatopoeiaFlea · 26/10/2022 20:01

This is very normal but that doesn’t make it less annoying

When mine went through this stage if we were doing anything with them at the time I’d just get up and leave the room until they stopped. If they did it randomly I would pretend not to hear for a little while after they stopped as they’d hurt my ears. Done playfully (as we follow PACE) but it was effective, after a few times the boundaries were set and she stopped doing it