Screaming at us to shush

[Nopeaceinthishouse]

Dd, just turned 4 has started shouting at us to shush and to go away etc if she’s angry (usually if she doesn’t get something she wants)
She wasn’t like this before and it’s been the last couple of months.
It’s just so rude and disrespectful screaming at us to shush, anything I do isn’t working to try to calm/stop this.
Is this normal? What should I do?

Just one tip:
When they go loud - you go low.
Down to their eye level, low pitch, and quiet voice.
It calms you down and they often quieten to meet you.
It's a really simple thing to remember in the moment. It changes the dynamic and is good modelling.
Remember pre-schoolers take ages to 'learn' how to manage emotions/situations. So nothing you do will work instantly, or likely quickly, but if you stay consistent for months one day you'll suddenly think 'oh they haven't done that in ages' or you notice a situation where they would have reacted badly before and they didn't. And then you can breathe and it will be on to the next challenge.

Buy and read ‘how to talk so children will listen, and listen so children will talk’

it will give you lots of techniques to deal with all sorts of tantrums, by understanding what is causing them and what they really mean

Not derailing but cereal is a perfect bedtime snack. Why that particular rule?

She's only been alive for four years. Think about all the stuff she has learnt so far. She'll get there.

She’s 4. Her games are her imagination working hard. Engage with her, but let her have fun rather than trying to tell her her rules don’t make sense etc Just go with it - if she starts bossing, then just go and do something else…don’t react or give her an audience to play up to.

She wants cereal for dessert? It’s still better than a long battle of wills, so let her. It’ll take the wind out of her sails if she’s expecting a ‘no’ from you, but gets a ‘yes’ instead!

Yeah she's 4 years old and having a tantrum . If you'd like to watch her lose it completely follow the above advice.

There's no point trying to reason with them in the moment, they aren't listening and aren't learning anything from it

DD went through a spell of doing that at about 3 and a bit. We consistently told her it was rude and unacceptable. It lasted a few months and she's mostly stopped doing it. Just very occasionally now and I recognise that's when she's feeling overwhelmed so I react differently.

She's not having a tantrum. A tantrum is loud crying, flailing and kicking optional.

She's run out of ways to explain her thoughts, and is shouting "Shush" from frustration.

@kindlyensure Its a new one we bought that she had two bowls of today as she loves it, only enough for one in the morning and all hell would break loose if there wasn’t any in the morning.
I did say this to her.

Op says she's getting angry and shouting when they are asking her about the rules to the games she's made up, then she's screaming and telling them to shush

You mentioned yourself her losing the plot . Not really the time to start quizzing the child about her feelings

I'm reading this book and it's really excellent

She is 4. For her entire life you have been there to meet her every need and she is starting to realize that is changing. She also experiences adults telling her what to do all day. Mimicking the people around her is normal. It’s a completely normal developmental stage. She is figuring out how the world works. What instructions are people allowed to give other people? Are there rules about who can give instructions? Does the circumstance matter? My parents aren’t always right there when I need something anymore and that scares me a bit, are they still going to take care of me? Will they take care of me if I’m not perfect? Will they take care of me even if they are angry with me?

or in simpler terms, welcome to the fuck you fours. It’s actually one of the best ages, but it has some interesting challenges.

although my ds rapidly
moved on from the loud ‘shush’, for other matters, I also found ‘how to talk’
a useful book. There are so many useful techniques in there to try. I found other books talked around and about behaviour issues but had no real tools to use. Some of the tools diffuse a situation rather than making the child appreciate that their behaviour is wrong and you are right. I found it useful to manage behaviours until they were outgrown and also to stop them becoming learnt. My child is 9 now and doesn’t loudly shush or shove a hand in my face. I sold my copy on but maybe I should buy the teenage ‘how to talk’ in preparation for that stage…

Everyone warned me about the terrible two’s. No one said a thing about the effing awful four’s. Both my boys were much worse at 4 then they were at 2!

lol your mum is a smart woman.

It is really, really important to teach girls that expressing anger is not going to result in people walking away.

But screaming at people to shush because they’re not doing what you want is going to result in people walking away. Teaching your child anything else wouldn’t be doing them any favours. If my child told me their friend screams at them to shush if they don’t play the game exactly how the friend wants I’d specifically tell them to walk away from that friend.

I definitely wouldn’t be apologising and asking her to explain it again to ‘silly mummy.’ I’d tell her she was being rude and using unkind words, and until she could be polite I would choose to do something else.

I was going to ask this. She has learned it somewhere. She didn't make up the word herself!

But screaming at people to shush because they’re not doing what you want is going to result in people walking away. Teaching your child anything else wouldn’t be doing them any favours. If my child told me their friend screams at them to shush if they don’t play the game exactly how the friend wants I’d specifically tell them to walk away from that friend.

I definitely wouldn’t be apologising and asking her to explain it again to ‘silly mummy.’ I’d tell her she was being rude and using unkind words, and until she could be polite I would choose to do something else.

@Kanaloa
Ok, but that's not just walking away, is it?

Walking away is a form of shunning. You shouldn't tell your child to do this to another child without teaching him to assert himself verbally first. It if doesn't work, then sure, tell the shouty kid you'll play again when he's ready to be calm. But simply walking away is passive aggressive, and not positive behaviour. It's quieter than shouting, but that's all it has going for it.

As a parent, failing to engage verbally with the child who is shouting (not screaming) "Shush" is not modeling the verbal approach to dispute solving or teaching assertiveness. It is punishing a flawed verbal approach ("Shush") without trying to teach the alternative, which is how to tell 'silly mummy' she's doing it all wrong and what is required of her instead in a reasonable voice. You can teach a child to be assertive instead of being overwhelmed by frustration. Assertiveness is a skill girls need.

And a parent who is playing with a young child (four is pretty young) needs to watch the child's cues for signs that things are getting overheated.

This child has just turned four. So yes, really rather young.

Walking away is not the way to address the shouting.

Oh yes very normal. Only not normal if it goes on a very long time and doesn't get any better or gets worse, despite increasing maturity and good parenting around the issue. The terrible twos aren't always the most terrible or even come at 2 at all. One of mine had the terrible three-four-five-sixes. Sometimes these are just developmental stages with no obvious explanation, but do dig deeper to think of any causes that she may be feeling disrupted, insecure etc.

rude and disrespectful is an odd thing to call a little 4 year old. Especially 'disrespectful'.

Walking away is a form of shunning. You shouldn't tell your child to do this to another child without teaching him to assert himself verbally first. It if doesn't work, then sure, tell the shouty kid you'll play again when he's ready to be calm. But simply walking away is passive aggressive, and not positive behaviour. It's quieter than shouting, but that's all it has going for it.

I disagree. I’d tell my child straight up if someone was screaming at them because they weren’t getting their way they should just walk away. I don’t think it does a child any harm to hear that they’re behaving in an unpleasant way and that others don’t want to play with you if you’re being unpleasant.

For a child of just turned four, it's not a good idea. It is a negative manipulation of a child's fears.

Later in childhood, if you really feel there's no other option, then perhaps there's some justification. But I would teach a child to stand up for himself verbally and try to create a win-win situation for himself and the shouting friend.

That book is brilliant, all you need is strategies to diffuse the situation and make yourself feel in control. It’s not a one size fits all as children are all different so you’re going to have to work out which approach works for you and your child specifically. It sounds like you’ve had a very easy agreeable child if you’ve got to school age and haven’t had to deal with this until now.

I’d take this as a cue to give her lots of space and calmly go do something else somewhere else.

Sounds like she wants some space. Can you tell her to talk to you nicely and ask you to please leave her alone. Works with my 4 year old.

If I was cheeky my mum would say, “you’re not speaking to your teacher now.”
I knew by the tone of voice it was time to stop.