If only they'd talked to someone...

[HouseWithAView]

AIBU in thinking that people don't listen?

So often, when someone goes missing or attempts to/succeeds in ending their live, you hear people say 'that's so sad, if only they'd talked to someone about how they were feeling'. However, in many cases the person who was struggling has spoken about their troubles and been told, 'it's not that bad', 'don't be daft', 'I went through similar and I'm fine', etc. Constantly minimising and dismissing.

Granted, most folks family and friends aren't trained counsellors or psychologists but they don't need to be trained to listen and empathise. Sometimes that's all people need, to be heard and acknowledged.

My personal favourite is ‘stop worrying’ oh how simple, why didn’t I think of that?!

I agree with you. Most people don’t want to hear about your problems and woes. I guess it’s because they have their own problems to deal with.

I'm struggling so bad at the moment, I cannot cope with my life the way things are, I’ve told people and they tell me to stop worrying and relax, and then they forget about the conversation and move on.

You only have to see threads on here to know that people can't be arsed with other people's problems.

The overt virtue signalling is almost always done by the least sincere

As many people who commit suicide don't talk to other people, or quite simply there wasn't any answers to the depths of their mental struggles. People pounce on those who would say that sometimes people can't be helped outside the MH system, so they've got to say something.

Agree with you OP.
Most people just don't care.

What do you want them to do? What else can they do? Are you saying that to a doctor?

Absolutely people are not interested. I've reached out in the past to be told I'm lucky etc, or my pregnancy losses couldn't be helped blah blah. When I have then acted on my feelings I've been heavily berated for my stupidity. I honestly think you should only contact professionals if you are struggling. So very few humans have a genuine care for others.

I agree there’s some truth in what you say.

However my marriage imploded in early April and I’ve had some very low moments. But I just didn’t feel I could talk to anybody about it except my therapist, who was probably the reason I kept going.

Its only since September I’ve actually reached out to anyone and I’m getting good support from friends and some family now.

However, my takeaway from the whole thing is actually how few people reached out to me when they heard through the grapevine my husband and I were divorcing after nearly 40 years. I don’t hold anyone to blame for this and I have probably done the same thing in the past, but it’s made me realise more than ever that sometimes it’s not enough to wait til someone reaches out.

From now on I’m going to be far more proactive when I hear about bad news of people I know, even if I don’t consider my self especially close to them.

I have experience of someone contacting me the night they took their life. It’s a hell of lot to expect someone to pick up on how bad someone is feeling. From my experience I spoke to them about going to see the doctor the day after and did say things will get better. I had no inclining they was going to end their life, if I had course I’d of done more. It was very clear that there was there intention the whole of that day but only afterwards. We are all human and we all have our own things going on but I bet there is no one in this world who would not support someone they thought was going to end their life, there is a huge difference between someone saying they’re feeling shit and low to someone saying they’re wanting to kill themselves.

Agree. No one wants to hear it or be bogged down by other people's lows. I don't share my feelings or problems anymore and I have always felt worse when I've done so. You're on your own with your mental health struggles.

@Ponoka7 I’m not sure what I expect, maybe sympathy, maybe someone to ask how I am, as I would and do if the shoe is on the other foot.

And yes I’ve spoken to a doctor, 2 years ago and was told I wasn’t ill enough to warrant any help.

@Ponoka7 what would you actually say to a loved one who told you they didn’t want to go on? Would you just ask ‘have you spoken to a dr?’

There needs to be better provisions.

I personally don't have the time or energy to take on other people's problems. Whenever I've tried, the person has turned out to be a massive leech who has drained me of all my generosity.

I honestly don’t have a clue what I would say or do if someone told me they were going to kill themselves (or if I had an inkling this might be the case). Call an ambulance I guess?

@Ponoka7 I'd like them (the people I've spoken to) not to deny my reality. I've had really good friends tell me, when I've said, for example that I can no longer to on holiday because of my failing health, that other doors will open for me. The brutal truth is, there are no other doors for me. I'm frail, and will only get frailer.

just an acknowledgement of my truth would help. Yes, I'm depressed and I've thought about seeing my GP, but what would I say? I don't like this reality, can you give me another one? Or give me a pill that would make me not care so much about losing my independence?

I think people think I'm a good listener. I get people telling me things and I do my best, but I'm not trained and I really feel totally inadequate.
I wouldn't leave someone who was clearly upset, but I've found often those who are not visibly upset are often the ones who are in most of need of help.

Sometimes just listening helps though.

having been on the receiving end people try to make you feel better with tactless comments such as ‘well at least your cancer isn’t stage 4’ or pretend to have answers when the don’t ‘my aunt had a boyfriend who had a cousin who had stage 4 cancer in 5 different places and now he’s fine’ etc. all of these comments delegitimise the person’s right to feel down. It’s so much worse that saying nothing at all.

And when I have been in the depths of despair with severe depression I loathed myself so much that I didn’t feel worthy of others sympathy or help, so hid it all away. As a friend to someone who is depressed often all you can do is reassure them that you are there and that talking to you is an option. Then the person in despair has options when they would otherwise feel that there are none. You cannot force them to take you up on the options that you offer thought.

Totally agree. Have found myself with depression and anxiety, fortunate enough to afford private therapy. My DH has no idea what to say, so says nothing and avoids the topic, even when I told him I had suicidal ideologies. Family find it difficult to discuss.

None of them bad people, they just don’t know how to respond.

I think you’re expecting too much of untrained lay people. I don’t really know what you want from them

they don't need to be trained to listen and empathise. Sometimes that's all people need, to be heard and acknowledged

I think people do need to be trained. It's incredibly difficult to deal with a suicidal person. If you say the wrong thing/ they interpret what you've said in a way you didn't intention then they might go off an attempt suicide. It's a huge mental weight to put upon a person, to basically make them partly responsible of whether you chose to take your life or not.

There is a reason therapists etc have training.

Its not that people dont want to listen, its because they dont know how to reply or what to say. Its all very well saying talk to someone but most people dont know what to reply and all the talking in the world doesnt change things

Most "friends" aren't friends they are acquantances. Learnt this myself and my true friends are the ones who contact each other because of bad news, aquantances are the ones who contact each other when it's good news.

Please don’t use the term “commit” suicide this is from when it was an illegal act/offence it is not a crime.

There is some really good suicide first aid advice there and it isn’t about listening or empathising to peoples problems to help. The advice is around asking a person if they are going to or want to harm themselves or take their own life. Avoiding things that are euphemisms like “you aren’t going to do something silly”
If you think someone is going to harm themselves or they think they might, stay with them or take them to a place of safety or call 999 for help.

MH provision in this country is woeful but I think we should be promoting this first aid in the same way CPR gets promoted. What to do in an emergency.

I hope all those people struggling can get some help and support soon. I’ve been there and it’s so hard.

Unsympathetic as this is! There is an element of truth.

I have someone who calls and just offloads once every so often. Lots of suicidal-type comments which is of course very anxiety provoking. But won't engage with services, won't accept suggestions or practical help, won't move forward in any way.

It's exhausting and useless. She also has no time or empathy for anyone else, which I know is because of trauma, but honestly it does make people loathe to listen.

My husband was very vocal about how he was feeling. We all listened. We begged for help. He was in such a bad place he had no recollection of of the welfare checks, offers of help and support and the love shown to him. He hung him self.
We did all we could with the resources we had and it didn’t stop him. He had decided what he thought was best for me and our children.
I don’t think we could of listened anymore than we did.

It is really difficult. I'm someone who has had severe mental health struggles and have tried to confide in people a few times.

The only times it helped were when people were genuinely sympathetic and acknowledged how rubbish things were.

Most people don't want to hear it though and I don't blame them. It's a difficult thing to talk about.