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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not appreciate a guest in my house raising her voice at my 1 year old DD?

50 replies

Breizhette · 28/01/2008 12:04

These friends came to stay the week-end (he's a good friend of DH). I know the woman quite well, we get on well but not best friends. She started disciplining my 1 year old DD! When I was saying "No" to DD for one thing or another, she would intervene, and then praise her etc.. If she touched something that this woman found unsuitable, she would tell her off, and she even raised her voice! I am so ashamed that I didn't do anything, I just didn't know how to put it. I didn't want a scene and as I am pregnant I am quite emotionnal. I just ignored her and gave DD what she wanted or not. What would you have said?

OP posts:
IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 28/01/2008 12:08

YANBU for starters.

I would have stood, mouth agape, and done nothing. Then afterwards I would have thought of loads of things I could have said and wish I had said them. Then I would have come onto MN and posted under AIBU?

I think she had a bloody cheek and I would suggest your DH has a word if they're likely to come and stay again.

kindersurprise · 28/01/2008 12:10

Ditto Rosemary!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. What a cheeky mare.

WideWebWitch · 28/01/2008 12:10

YANBU, she is out of line. Bet she doesn't have children does she? So she probably has firm ideas and no grip on the reality of small children and babies.

singyswife · 28/01/2008 12:12

Thats funny you should say that about having high standards. My brother has really high standards about children but he doesnt have any of his own yet, just wait. he wouldnt dream of telling them no etc if I was there though. What a cheek.

branflake81 · 28/01/2008 12:17

Think you're being a bit unreasonable to be honest, no harm done.

singsong · 28/01/2008 12:32

You are not unreasonable, she does sound rather interfering. I sometimes step in to discipline others children but only if say when I?m with friends and friend is off making coffee and their dc starts messing with electric plug ?then I?d simply tell them no and move them away. Wouldn?t shout at them and would not intervene if mother was already dealing with situation.

milkymill · 28/01/2008 12:51

YANBU. My brother in law's fiancee has a tendancy to do this with my dd; not shouting or anything, but she can be quite stern with her, sometimes it feels like I haven't had a chance to say anything .

I agree with wickedwaterwitch in that it tends to be those who don't have children (like bil and fiancee). They don't seem to realise our ignorance woth certain behaviour i.e at mealtimes is actually a clever parenting tactic .

I only put up with it because we are all very close, and they'll learn one day bless 'em.

Countingthegreyhairs · 28/01/2008 13:07

My sil in law does this - she doesn't have children - and can be very disapproving of what dh and I consider to be quite 'normal' behaviour for a 4 yr old. She also feeds dd things I don't really approve of.

I've had to strike a balance between her wanting to involve herself with dd (because she's family and I'd rather have someone who at least tries to interact with dd, as opposed to some of our childless friends who just ignore her as if she didn't exist!!) and very gently but firmly saying "I'll deal with this - thanks though".

Do you think your friend was nervous and was trying to fit in, but it all came out in the wrong way and she 'over did it' ifyswim??

I don't think there would ever be a justifiable case for a friend raising her voice to your child except in an emergency ie child ran in to road or similar though.

nametaken · 28/01/2008 13:12

have they been good guests apart from this - hope they didn't arrive empty handed too.

YANBU

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 13:18

Funny how you guessed she didn't have children! I wouldn't have minded if it was to prevent her from doing something dangerous/silly but it was about not touching a nappy bag that DD loves emptying and filling (she's at that stage!) and stuff like that. Plus I was there!!!
DH thinks she honestly thought she was helping, and that might be true. I just need to find a nice way of telling her off.

Nametaken, arrived empty-handed, never bought a thing, and didn't help at all (even though I am pregnant, looking after DD and going to hospital tomorrow for a CVs with a GA!). They're not my favourite guests, but DH really likes the guy so I guess I just have to put up with it once in a while.

OP posts:
ProfessorGrammaticus · 28/01/2008 13:25

Maybe she meant to help but just got it a bit wrong as she doesn't have children? Perhaps she was trying to "pitch in" and behave like one of the adults, without realising she was going a bit far. It IS hard to know what to do when you don't have your own.

nametaken · 28/01/2008 14:06

they just sound like awful guests to me. What sort of guest arrives empty handed, doesn't buy anything like a bottle of wine, doesn't help and then tells your kids off.

They'd get short shrift from me !!!!!!!!!

TheFallenMadonna · 28/01/2008 14:12

Did she have a thing about children not playing with plastic bags? Might that be why she intervened with the nappy bag?

My step dad sees dangers everywhere for the children. And in his panicky attempts to 'save' them from peril, he sometimes yelps at them, much to their bemusement.

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 15:02

It wasn't a plastic bag. That was just an example, she told her off for pretty much everything a 1 year old does.
I don't think she knows many children but as she Mrs Know-it-All, she just has to intervene.

Nametaken, they once came to spend new year's eve with us and came shopping with us and when we went to the checkout, our trolley was full of bottles of champagne, wine, seafood, dessert etc.. They had 1 bag of mandarines... They are very well-off too. At the time I swore they would never come again and it wasn't even because of that, but because she never even brought a thing to the kitchen or offered to set the table. She was just happy being served like a princess.
She really isn't my favourite person, but her husband is OK (doesn't help either though).

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 28/01/2008 15:10

Oh no - the mandarins and the champagne says it ALL - take back my earlier post - she sounds awful

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 15:16

Thanks Countingthegreyhairs, I quite like your "I'll deal with this - thanks though". That's the type of sentence I was wracking my brain to come up with.

And she definitely wasn't nervous. She is very very confident.

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 28/01/2008 15:27

You sound v. tolerant Breizhette in the circs. Leaving the issue of her criticising your dd aside, if I were pregnant with a 1 yr old, and friends of dh came to stay who did not help or contribute, I would be having a stern word with my other half.

If you feel obliged to offer them hospitality in future I would definitely make it clear that you expect them to buy and prepare a meal or too. Could your dh convey that to her dh?

jasper · 28/01/2008 15:28

YANBU.
How annoying.

On a slightly different note when my male, childless cousin visits he gets my three kids to spell things to assess whether they are as clever as his american girlfriend's alleged genius neice!

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 15:37

I am tolerant because we moved to the middle of nowehere and DH never gets to see his friends or go out anymore and these people live 3 hours drive from us so it's his closest friend (geographically speaking).
I just made an effort and took it. I am quite a wimp though as I hate confrontation
She also managed to tell me this week-end that my neck was lined, that I dressed my DD in very plain clothes, that when she came to visit our flat in London, it made her appreciate her house more (!), that I was square-shaped etc... She just can't help but say unpleasant things all the time. When it's to me, it doesn't really matter, but when she started with DD, I saw red.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 15:44

Blimey Breizhette - she sounds horrendous! I'd tell DH he's on his own with them next time...

TheHonEnid · 28/01/2008 15:46

I bet she is jealous of you

Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 15:47

Yeah - Enid's right... Maybe she wants kids and he won't have them

hunkermunker · 28/01/2008 15:48

I'd say, very cheerfully, that people who criticise others all the time are very often ill at ease with their own lives. Often, and here you drop your voice, they have inadequate sex lives.

Then go and make a cup of tea and snigger into the biscuit barrel.

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 15:53

I am so glad I started this thread, it makes me feel so much better.
She did tell me that they don't have sex anymore as she doesn't fancy him. And to be fair she has had a very sad childhood with one or two dead siblings and a mentally unstable parent.
And she had a miscarriage. He really wants children and although she says she doesn't, I think she does.

So I should remember that when she's being mean.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 15:56

Okay now I feel a teensy bit guilty even though I've never met the woman. Personal tragedies aside though, no excuse to carp at other people's kids.