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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not appreciate a guest in my house raising her voice at my 1 year old DD?

50 replies

Breizhette · 28/01/2008 12:04

These friends came to stay the week-end (he's a good friend of DH). I know the woman quite well, we get on well but not best friends. She started disciplining my 1 year old DD! When I was saying "No" to DD for one thing or another, she would intervene, and then praise her etc.. If she touched something that this woman found unsuitable, she would tell her off, and she even raised her voice! I am so ashamed that I didn't do anything, I just didn't know how to put it. I didn't want a scene and as I am pregnant I am quite emotionnal. I just ignored her and gave DD what she wanted or not. What would you have said?

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/01/2008 15:56

oh she won't break from being told No or even from someone raising their voice

your houseguest was trying to be helpful

if you can't bring yourself to say something at the time to her I think you're being rather unreasonable getting the hump behind her back

and slighly PFB

people are welcome to tell my children off

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 16:01

What does PFB mean?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 16:09

Precious first born

And BS means bullshit as if she was trying to be helpful she could have bluddy washed up or made you a cup of tea. Bitching at other people's kids is just bad form.

Countingthegreyhairs · 28/01/2008 16:13

If she was trying to be helpful, she should have helped you around the house and brought some wine or food. (Although she does sound like she has had a very sad time of it.)

Twiglett · 28/01/2008 16:20

I really think this is lack of understanding from the houseguest

then reinforced by the standard MN practice of 'don't you dare talk to my child' that flies in the face of community parenting and is at the heart of the degradation of the society we live in as defined in the eloquent post by Blu on this thread

of course I'm not saying that this is what will happen and appreciate the child in this case is just 1 .. but it's the attitude of everyone of 'what a cheek'

I think it's perfectly normal for an adult to interact with a child including admonishments and more importantly I think the OP should have said something at the time

Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 16:27

I agree with you on the lack of understanding from the houseguest Twig, but thereafter you've IMO made a massive generalisation in order to make some point about 'society today'. Your point may or may not be fair, but isn't applicable to the OP's situation with an idle and feckless houseguest telling off a 1 year old baby for unloading a nappy bag. It is normal for adults to interact with children, but not normal for them to discipline other people's babies for something that does not warrant discipline. Also much more acceptable if woman was close friend or family - which she is not. I don't think OP was upset that houseguest was interacting with her child - just how she was interacting. Also don't agree that this is some endemic MN attitude. I have 2 kids - fine with close friends and family getting involved if I need their support, not fine for them to be told off unnecessarily though...

Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 16:28

That's my job after all

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 16:30

I do agree that I should have said something and really frustrated me that I couldn't find the right words or tone of voice.

As I said before, if I hadn't been there and my DD was doing something naughty or dangerous, I really wouldn't have minded. But she was talking over me!
When I was saying "no" when DD was walking towards the stairs, she would start as well. And when DD stopped and I was praising her, so would she.
And again, when DD was on my knee and trying to grab a play with my make-up bag, the guest raised her voice and said "No"!
Surely if my daughter is on my knee, I am quite capable of disciplining her.

OP posts:
IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 28/01/2008 16:30

I agree Sparkle. In theory I would have no issue with a close friend or family member admonishing my child should it be warranted. But I would not expect someone who was not well known to my child to do this, nor would I accept anyone doing this while I was present myself. Unnecessary and tactless IMO.

PeatBog · 28/01/2008 16:30

am mumbling 'yes' through biscuit crumbs to sparkly all the way. We've all had tragedies, mcs, crap childhoods, doesn't excuse being useless and annoying guest.

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 16:34

Blu said "until I get there to deal with the situation more fully"

I was there. The child was on my lap!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/01/2008 16:36

it isn't just an endemic MN attitude .. although it comes up forcefully time and time again here, and is reinforced as normal, when another adult interacts with anyone's child it seems ... I just don't like the reinforcement that it's a normal attitude, because I don't think it is (but maybe I aspire to living in 50's utopia that never existed)

I don't see anything that wrong in what the houseguest did, not like she was screeching at the top of her voice or using physical restraint is it ?

.. it would have IMHO been better if the OP had said 'oh actually that's fine for her to do' or 'I'm quite happy with her touching my make-up, don't worry about it' and re-educated her guest rather than keeping quiet and getting riled by it .. but that's just in my humble opinion and I'm not expecting anyone to ever agree with me on this

I like the fact that my children have to listen to many different adults and learn that people have different views on what is right and wrong.

Twiglett · 28/01/2008 16:39

I guess I just don't understand why you didn't just say 'actually I'm quite happy with her touching my make-up / emptying the nappy bag, don't worry about it' rather than bristling internally and making your weekend more difficult for yourself (not having a go, just really don't get it)

TheFallenMadonna · 28/01/2008 16:39

I agree with you Twiglett

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 16:41

Twiglett, I did say from the start that I wished I found something to say at the time. But I didn't.

I don't entirely disagree with your general point, but I am finding it hard to understand how someone talking over you when you are disciplining your own child is just normal adult/child interaction.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/01/2008 16:47

talking over me would piss me off I admit

do you think you'd 'find the words and tone' if it happened again though?

Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 16:48

Yes - the talking over aspect smacks of pitching in when not required. Would you be okay if someone did that to you Twig? I'd think 'FFS this isn't a bluddy chorus'....

Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 16:48

Sorry Twig - x post

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 16:54

If I am entirely honest I am not sure. I really really wish I could have said "Oh that's fine, she loves playing with the nappy bag and it keeps her occupied" but I have a virtual phobia of confrontation and I would be very stressed that it would come out wrong. I know that's very unreasonable.

Plus still not sure what I could have said when she was talking over the top of me. My DH suggested "I think it will be a bit confusing if we all speak at the same time. It's best if I deal with this, thank."

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 28/01/2008 16:57

I am a mother, hear me roar Breiz!!

Next time say 'I've got this covered thanks, but I'm gasping for a cuppa char - pop into the kitchen will you? And load the dishwasher while you are there.....

Original poster
Breizhette · 28/01/2008 17:00

Why oh why didn't I come up with that?!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/01/2008 17:01

I do think that if stuff like this upsets you so much you will need to get over your fear of confrontation .. but I don't actually think it's confrontation it's just talking to someone, someone who is close enough to be a guest in your house

maybe I'm just bolshy though

Twiglett · 28/01/2008 17:02

what's wrong with 'please don't talk over me when I'm talking to my daughter' then change subject 'do you fancy a cup of tea?'

lucyellensmum · 28/01/2008 17:09

I would have asked her to leave!! Probably in a raised voice, but i am very PFB and i dont care, even though my DD is a DD2!! There is just no way i would tolerate someone raising their voice at my child, especially as she isnt even your friend

minouminou · 28/01/2008 17:17

i think, if you're worried about confrontation, your DH's idea of "i think it's confusing..." is a great one

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