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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

678 replies

user1471462428 · 25/10/2022 13:23

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

OP posts:
daretodenim · 27/10/2022 07:09

A bodybuilder could weigh pretty much the same as him but it would be muscle.

So everybody saying "I do X and weigh nearly the same" is missing the point.

OP's DH has no muscle mass (barely moves off he sleeps a lot) and his weight comes from fat. Fat takes up more space than the same weight in muscle.

He's also 5ft7. Not tall for a man.

So that's why you/your DH weigh similar, but run and fit on attraction seats and OPs DH is very obese.

Autumn61 · 27/10/2022 07:37

Notsoglamanymore · 25/10/2022 13:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I myself am classified as obese although I am still fairly active and definitely not as far alone as your partner it would seem, I have gained more and more weight over the past few years and I do have a binge eating disorder. However I now really recognise that I am finding things more difficult and my weight is starting to impact my health and the things I feel comfortable doing, I have a young son and it fills me with dread to think that I might die early and he will have to grow up without a mum, and all for something that is a fixable issue, so I have made the conscious decision to put him first and have one last bash at weight loss the traditional way and if that’s doesn’t work I’ll go down the lines of surgery as it’s not about me anymore so sticking my head in the sand and being in denial isn’t an option anymore. Your husband should apply the same logic.

I could have cried reading that. Hopefully OP partner will be like you and find that ‘I’m ready’ moment, because he will die younger , there is absolutely no doubt about that. Wishing you all the best . It would be nice if you could find some way of letting us know your progress. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 07:44

user1471462428 · 26/10/2022 20:36

He has started a new diet today. He always says he feel exhausted all the time. I’ve been really supportive of his past attempts to lose weight and encourage him to exercise (I.e paid for his gym membership when he wanted to go).
All his weight is round his waist and he actually has thin arm and legs.
I don’t cook for him as a bizarre bonus of his job is we get most meals provided for us (his boss is lovely and will make extra for me and the kids). Most of our food is healthy but it is portion size which he struggles with.

Breakfast lunch and dinner provided for the entire family day in day out?

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 07:47

Herejustforthisone · 26/10/2022 20:41

He’s only 5’7” and 110kg, so 17+ stone.

I’m 5’7” and 50kg. <8 stone. I am a woman admittedly but am not emaciated. He’s only a little guy.

Very similar (5’7 and 49kg)

and I am absolutely not emaciated either. Just back from an 8k run, about to rally my children out of bed, as taking them in to office today. Busy day at work. Back home for… well life as a single parent. Full of energy. Very happy. Eat breakfast lunch and dinner.

AmberMcAmber · 27/10/2022 08:00

Same! My husband is about 100kg down from about 110 and he’s about 6ft so while he has a bit of a dad bod, he can do stuff and normal sized clothes fit him (just to put it in context)
mine vapes loads abd that’s really irritating me lately lol but that’s another issue

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 08:06

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 07:47

Very similar (5’7 and 49kg)

and I am absolutely not emaciated either. Just back from an 8k run, about to rally my children out of bed, as taking them in to office today. Busy day at work. Back home for… well life as a single parent. Full of energy. Very happy. Eat breakfast lunch and dinner.

Show quote history

I hope the previous condescending poster who tried to give me an ear bashing and tell me over and over that I’m dangerously underweight doesn’t come for you now. Bodies come in different shapes and sizes.

I’ve never ever made the argument about the ‘normalisation of larger bodies’ but after that poster’s bleating I can see why people do.

Autumn61 · 27/10/2022 08:16

Unless he is only 4ft, I don’t think 16.5 stone would qualify for bariatric surgery. If it’s obsessive eating then it’s a Docs referral to a councillor or psychologist that may be needed.
Either way, I wish you both all the best in finding some resolution. Mabye you telling him you are thinking of leaving may be the catalyst.

Octomore · 27/10/2022 08:28

I have no idea about what the 50kg poster's health is like, but it's noticable that this thread has post after post after post claiming that a BMI of 35+ / 100kg body is not really big and won't be affecting health, yet this is the one that gets pounced on. This thread makes clear how normalised being very overweight has become.

All the posters saying "well I weigh [x] and have no health issues" are also totally missing the point. The OP's DH clearly does have significant health issues (either that or he's lazy/faking), and he hasn't taken action about it.

It's not the OP's job to fix his health - he's a grown man who needs to go to the doctor himself. It's not shallow or unreasonable to want to end a marriage in which you are the only person taking any responsibility for health or for parenting. It's not unreasonable to want to end a marriage where you are effectively watching your partner slowly kill themselves.

Elsie1966 · 27/10/2022 08:36

His tiredness could be down to having diabetes. Has he had blood tests done to check for this recently?

PeskyYeti · 27/10/2022 08:39

Oh gosh. I weigh a lot more than your husband, about 31kg more.

I still go on rides, in soft play, etc. My husband does do some more active stuff with them, like football but I give it a good go!

I make up for it in other ways, I do more around the house than my husband, I take them out and do stuff just me and them that's my pace.

I'm on the weighting list for bariatric surgery (4 years) and am honestly trying very hard to lose it, but I just wanted to show the weight thing shouldn't be holding him back as much as it is. Sounds more like he can't be bothered tbh.

axolotlfloof · 27/10/2022 09:22

You are doing too much for him.
He either needs to take on the lions share of the parenting or work full time.
I would ask him to leave.

AquaticSewingMachine · 27/10/2022 09:57

Well, here we are, in a world where a BMI of 38 is referred to as "maybe a bit on the overweight side".

LoisLane66 · 27/10/2022 10:01

Forgot to mention that to save time trawling through all their content, 'We're Coming Back' (episodes 1-7)
is the title of the recent 7 daily videos from ButlersEmpire, the couple mentioned upthread who are on separate Keto and carb/dairy free diets to reverse type 2 diabetes, gallstones and aid weight loss.
Worth watching as they explain everything they buy and show all cooking methods. They're just an ordinary family doing it on a budget.

Sleeplessinthesouth71 · 27/10/2022 10:29

I agree I don't think this is a weight issue in itself. There is definitely more going on with his health. He needs to see a GP.

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 10:51

AquaticSewingMachine · 27/10/2022 09:57

Well, here we are, in a world where a BMI of 38 is referred to as "maybe a bit on the overweight side".

Yep. And I have been called ‘dangerously underweight’ and had condescending faux concern from a poster for being a healthy weight for my body size. It is fucked.

Tsort · 27/10/2022 11:01

OP’s partner is clearly obese and needs help. I hope they find a way forward, or OP finds a way to move forward on her own.

However, there are posters who are claiming 49/50kg is a healthy weight for a woman of 5’7” (it’s clinically underweight) and anyone who disagrees must be fat and participating in the ‘normalisation of larger bodies’. Being underweight actually isn’t the major concern - it’s the things they are saying about being underweight and about people who aren’t underweight.

A BMI of 38 is unhealthy, but so is a BMI of 17. A lot of people on both sides have very skewed ideas of what a healthy weight/body size is.

Longingformore50 · 27/10/2022 11:05

Hi op I haven't been able to read all the thread so maybe this has been said but has your husband had some tests done regarding the tiredness etc.
16 stone for a man isn't that much. I'm 3 stone heavier than him and Im still very active and never tired. Of course I'm not condoning being a heavier weight as I hate it, but what I mean is that the weight alone shouldn't be making him so tired. The fact you've said he's got skinny arms and legs is indicating to me that he may be suffering from high cortisol or something like that. Those syndromes come with a lot of side effects, tiredness being one. I definitely think there's a different cause for his tiredness

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 11:16

Tsort · 27/10/2022 11:01

OP’s partner is clearly obese and needs help. I hope they find a way forward, or OP finds a way to move forward on her own.

However, there are posters who are claiming 49/50kg is a healthy weight for a woman of 5’7” (it’s clinically underweight) and anyone who disagrees must be fat and participating in the ‘normalisation of larger bodies’. Being underweight actually isn’t the major concern - it’s the things they are saying about being underweight and about people who aren’t underweight.

A BMI of 38 is unhealthy, but so is a BMI of 17. A lot of people on both sides have very skewed ideas of what a healthy weight/body size is.

What are we saying that’s such a concern to you? Because I think all I’ve said in essence is ‘please stop saying I’m dangerously underweight and posting faux concern about my real life support. You don’t actually know what I look like or anything about my muscle tone, frame size, physically capabilities and diet.’

Now I’ve digested my porridge, I’m just off for my mid morning five mile run with the dogs, run so I’ll respond when I’m back and have my cup of coffee.

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 11:34

Longingformore50 · 27/10/2022 11:05

Hi op I haven't been able to read all the thread so maybe this has been said but has your husband had some tests done regarding the tiredness etc.
16 stone for a man isn't that much. I'm 3 stone heavier than him and Im still very active and never tired. Of course I'm not condoning being a heavier weight as I hate it, but what I mean is that the weight alone shouldn't be making him so tired. The fact you've said he's got skinny arms and legs is indicating to me that he may be suffering from high cortisol or something like that. Those syndromes come with a lot of side effects, tiredness being one. I definitely think there's a different cause for his tiredness

You are 19 stone and “very active”
what does “very active” look like to you? Because the effort involved in being very active and 19 stone must be very very substantial

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 11:41

Tsort · 27/10/2022 11:01

OP’s partner is clearly obese and needs help. I hope they find a way forward, or OP finds a way to move forward on her own.

However, there are posters who are claiming 49/50kg is a healthy weight for a woman of 5’7” (it’s clinically underweight) and anyone who disagrees must be fat and participating in the ‘normalisation of larger bodies’. Being underweight actually isn’t the major concern - it’s the things they are saying about being underweight and about people who aren’t underweight.

A BMI of 38 is unhealthy, but so is a BMI of 17. A lot of people on both sides have very skewed ideas of what a healthy weight/body size is.

yes but my BMI of 17 doesn’t mean I use up the NHS resources. I’m not at increased risk for heart attacks, cancers and a multitude of other serious diseases and conditions, I’m not on wait list for gastric surgery. I could go on.

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 11:41

Nor do I get bumped up the queue for the covid vaccine.

Perplexing to me that by having a fat too high BMI - you are entitled to covid vaccine earlier than others

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 11:52

Longingformore50 · 27/10/2022 11:05

Hi op I haven't been able to read all the thread so maybe this has been said but has your husband had some tests done regarding the tiredness etc.
16 stone for a man isn't that much. I'm 3 stone heavier than him and Im still very active and never tired. Of course I'm not condoning being a heavier weight as I hate it, but what I mean is that the weight alone shouldn't be making him so tired. The fact you've said he's got skinny arms and legs is indicating to me that he may be suffering from high cortisol or something like that. Those syndromes come with a lot of side effects, tiredness being one. I definitely think there's a different cause for his tiredness

Very active and yet on the other thread you started yesterday that I was on you describe yourself as

and I'm also disabled myself (not registered or claiming) with a severe chronic back condition and nerve damage in my legs. Some days I'm fine, other days I can't walk, move or even go to the toilet by myself

CryCeratops · 27/10/2022 12:10

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 11:41

Nor do I get bumped up the queue for the covid vaccine.

Perplexing to me that by having a fat too high BMI - you are entitled to covid vaccine earlier than others

That’s because very obese people are at greater risk of getting Covid severely and developing complications that mean hospital admissions and costly extra medical treatment.

It’s cheaper for the NHS to vaccinate that cohort earlier and reduce the associated Covid hospital admissions than it is to let them wait.

The earlier vaccines aren’t some sort of reward for obesity.

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 12:10

Fiddledeedeefiddle · 26/10/2022 22:46

I’m 125kg, starting on a weight loss journey as I need an op. BMI 45. I have a really busy full time job, walk the dog every day, swim twice every weekend and generally fly around. This sounds more like a health issue. Has he had recent bloods?

If this level of activity is indeed the truth

then you must be eating quite a truly astonishing amount of food

I can’t imagine anyone this weight “flying around”

I suspect that there are very different definitions of “active” on this thread

Merryoldgoat · 27/10/2022 12:15

@Razu45

What do you think a person of 125kg WOULD be capable of then?