How to respond to menopausal nanny?

[HeatingCheating]

We have a part-time nanny for our two DC (1 and 4). She is amazing, brilliant woman - and we often have a natter over a cup of tea when I'm working from home. We've been out for a few wines too. I realise this might make it trickier now to handle this.

Anyway - she's been chatting about being menopausal or pre-menopausal - I'm not sure which - but she has been on HRT off and on for the last 6 months. She has talked about not feeling herself, feeling very strange, and told me about getting v. angry about things.

The GP can't find any HRT for her at the moment. And she is turning for work with a face like thunder. Getting frustrated at the kids whereas before she would have been so kind. She just generally doesn't really want to be here anymore. But she is trying really hard to be loving but I see the anger across her face over stuff all the time. She mutters stuff under her breath.

I know this isn't her. But also I leave my two kids with her 3 days a week and it's not fair on them.

How would you respond? The last thing she needs is me telling her to "look happier" but I don't feel I can just leave it like it is.

I think your going to have to sit down with her and have a chat , it's a strange thing to go through for sure but your children come first

Can you arrange a private consultation and prescription for her?

What are you talking about?? I think the OP means they can’t find a good fit on HRT not they can’t get it.
Most transwoman in the U.K. don’t even get their HRT through the NHS. Stop using this post to further your bullshit agenda thats not even based on facts.

@HeatingCheating its a tough one, but you do need to talk to her.

OP there is a shortage of HRT at the moment. I am not sure why, but I am on a menopause Facebook group and it is mentioned constantly.

I would suggest joining some groups and asking for advice on alternatives for management and symptom relief. It might help take the edge off for her whilst the supply issue rights itself.

You aren’t asking her to ‘look happier’ you’re asking her not to violate the terms of her employment. It’s not acceptable to come to work angry and muttering under your breath when you’re in sole charge of small children. It wouldn’t be acceptable from a shop worker or a lawyer or a waiter or a teacher and it’s not acceptable from a nanny. If her medical issues make it so that she isn’t able to work then she needs to take time away from her job.

There's plenty of different options- I'm. In the same boat!

Not everything is unavailable so I'm guessing she's struggling to find something that works for her.

I'm managing without myself, spot of running, swimming, and a non judgemental employer

Ignorance personified

When you say she’s been on and off HRT for the past 6 months is this due to not finding what helps or due to a supply issue? If it’s not finding what helps, being on an off won’t help and more important to persevere. If a supply issue she could try the Boots online stock checker to see where it’s available in her area then ask the script to be transferred there or get a paper script to take in (always double check first by phoning them). There are alternatives if one type isn’t available.

She could also try a support group such as the Menopause Support Network on Facebook.

@Unseelie untrue and unfair comment about trans women.

Yes the children are very important of course but I love the way that you think the menopausal woman isn’t important Unseelie

This.

If she generally is a really good employee and great looking after the kids I would be looking into and talking to her about a private consultation and privately prescribing HRT. The menopause can be awful for some women, I know my whole personality changed and I was very angry all the time, coupled with severe anxiety. It was awful. I went privately and the consultation was approx £250 and the prescription was about £106 for 6mths supply. I think it would cost you more to try and recruit another nanny to be honest. I would sit down and discuss options with her. Whilst you could say it is up to her to sort for herself some people just can't. I bet getting a good nanny that you can trust with your children is not easy to find.

Jesus wept.

It’s not ignorance to say you don’t want to pay somebody to care for your children who is visibly angry to the point of muttering in temper. It’s sad that she’s struggling, but if her issues aren’t compatible with sole paid charge of small children then that’s not ignorance.

You need to look into employment law. Is she self employed, hired and paid for through an agency, or are you her employer? My friend was a waitress, she hurt her wrist, the NHS took ages to figure out the problem (fobbed her off repeatedly) and she was off sick for several months. Her employer terminated her contract on the grounds of her being unfit to do the job, which is legal.

As sad as it is, your nanny has a medical problem meaning she can't do her job. The anger problem maybe gives you grounds for disciplinary procedures if you're the employer. If nanny can't fix her problem you're not unreasonable to end her employment. You need to put your DC first. How you go about ending the employment will depend on how she is employed. It could be as simple as deciding tomorrow that you don't want her back again.

I wouldn't be getting involved with private medical care on her behalf. You don't want to set a precedent with anything. It will end up costing hundreds even in the short term, thousands if you're involved long term. Her medical issues aren't your problem, her performance at work is.

It feels awkward because you've maybe blurred the boundaries between employee and friend by going out with her socially and being too friendly, which makes it harder for you to action any disciplinary measures and means also she's taking the job for granted stomping about like a fairy tale troll at work. If she viewed you as any other employer it's unlikely she'd be doing this.

I'd treat it as an anger management problem. Her menopause is irrelevant to you really, it's the symptoms you're bothered about. If she can't get HRT maybe there's some other medication that would control her anger symptoms or maybe she needs an anger management training course.

I would suggest you check your facts. Yes women are finding it difficult to access some types of HRT and some types of topical estrogen due massively increased demand among other things. This is in no way relevant to trans women using it of which only a tiny proportion access it on the NHS. If you can find any reliable resources saying any different please do share them.

I use simple online pharmacy to order hrt.
My patches cost £55.99 for 3 months.
Never had a problem getting my medication.

What @EleanorLucyG says!!

You are getting way too embroiled in this and she is responsible for your very young children!

FWIW (and I may get flamed for this) I and almost every female I know have gone through the menopause (mid-50s) and symptoms were pretty universal IME. There were hot flushes, some irritability, some temporary sleep problems etc.

What you're describing sounds like something else though and probably MH-related, and for your nanny to conveniently wrap it under the menopause banner is irresponsible.

"Nanny, are you still happy here in our employment? We've noticed you've been irritable, making comments quietly etc."

See what she says. Have a conversation that shows you care about her wellbeing, you know she has a good relationship with the DCs but you're concerned with her change in personality.

She will either step up and make a change when around work or you'll know you need to let her go.

Hi OP

Just be aware that people posting may not have any experience of employment law. How long has she worked for you?

I'd start personally with asking her how she is feeling as you have noticed that she is not very happy infront of the kids and ask if there is anything you can do to support her getting back to her old self. Anything more drastic then I think youd need some HR advice

I had a horrible time with menopause and there were periods where I would feel rage inside. Not that I would ever do anything. I wasn't eligible for HRT so I was prescribed antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. It calmed things right down.

Absolute bollocks. For many women the menopause is unbearable- the anger and anxiety, panic attacks and feelings of doom are awful. Just because you don't know anyone personally who has had these symptoms doesn't mean they exist. Please, please educate yourself if you are ever going to be in a position to work with and particularly manage a menopausal woman.

She hasn’t found the right HRT presumably. If you’re happy enough to socialise with her like you’re friends, how about you take her for a coffee and ask about her HRT and what you can do to help as you realise it’s not working for her. Check out Davina’s documentaries together. I mean, this is in your future too. I know its hard as you’re leaving your children with her, but I would personally help her with her problem before I dismissed her. This isn’t her fault, it’s the fucking NHS treating women poorly.

For many women the menopause is unbearable- the anger and anxiety, panic attacks and feelings of doom are awful

Yes, I had all this, had to give up work, move house and get a new doctor. HRT has changed my life, I feel like a different person.