How to respond to menopausal nanny?

[HeatingCheating]

We have a part-time nanny for our two DC (1 and 4). She is amazing, brilliant woman - and we often have a natter over a cup of tea when I'm working from home. We've been out for a few wines too. I realise this might make it trickier now to handle this.

Anyway - she's been chatting about being menopausal or pre-menopausal - I'm not sure which - but she has been on HRT off and on for the last 6 months. She has talked about not feeling herself, feeling very strange, and told me about getting v. angry about things.

The GP can't find any HRT for her at the moment. And she is turning for work with a face like thunder. Getting frustrated at the kids whereas before she would have been so kind. She just generally doesn't really want to be here anymore. But she is trying really hard to be loving but I see the anger across her face over stuff all the time. She mutters stuff under her breath.

I know this isn't her. But also I leave my two kids with her 3 days a week and it's not fair on them.

How would you respond? The last thing she needs is me telling her to "look happier" but I don't feel I can just leave it like it is.

I am completely blown away by this and similar comments on here.

Middle aged women are going to be seen as unemployable at this rate.

Menopause affects SOME women's moods however it remains the woman's responsibility to behave professionally while at work, especially if caring for vulnerable people. If that's not possible, seek treatment, while taking leave if necessary.

It's absolutely not an employer's obligation to dish out medical advice or ignore bad behaviour for fear of being discriminatory.

WTAF? Sit down and educate the kids about menopause??? Really? She was hired with one personality… either smiley or cool, calm and collected, and now she’s eye-rolling, muttering under her breath, impatient and growly. These are all extremely undesirable characteristics in a nanny and I am absolutely certain that the nanny is fully aware of this. It’s not feasible for her or the kids to continue if she can’t get on top of things ASAP.

Sorry I realise that.
Mine makes me feel genuinely suicidal.

Middle aged women are going to be seen as unemployable at this rate.

Yes, it’s true but it already happens. It also happens to women of child bearing age. Do you think we should not talk about women’s health and the very real impacts in all areas of life including work? We make allowances for pregnancy, childcare, lots of medical things. We can do the same for menopause. Women try to get treatment but it’s been withheld by GPs, against guidelines, for two decades. Where have you been? Everyone is talking about it! Keep up with the times!

Of course age appropriate conversations about emotions are important but I don't think that is the answer here. The op said one of her children was one!

I think we all understand age appropriate conversations. In general, what do you suggest though? You said they shouldn’t be educated about menopause before OP stated age. If she were pregnant, would she get fired? Or would the OP work out how to help them figure it out, including letting the children know what’s changed and why? Menopause isn’t just emotions, there’s lots to consider. People need to talk about it as normally as you would pregnancy or anything else.

She's been up front with you. Do the same

"Susan, you've mentioned feeling very menopausal and tbh, I have noticed you're feeling the strain with the children. I'm quite anxious about that"

stop there; see what she says.

Then you can try " I'm worried you might reach a crisis point and lose the plot while you're with the children".

If she's worth her salt she will recognise this is a valid concern for her as well as you.

Good advice @2bazookas

Of course access to proper health care is important and should be talked about!

But I'm going to push back against this stereotype that all menopausal women are sweaty, raging monsters who can't control themselves at work and need tiptoeing around. That's damaging to women.

I lost my patience with someone at work the other day. Very out of character. Did I tell them all about the menopause and how it makes me feel? No, I apologised. And told my boss I'd stepped out of line, and reflected on how to manage my temper better in future. Because I'm a capable, professional woman who owns her shit and doesn't make it everyone else's problem.

A woman who has very severe menopause symptoms and has completely lost the ability to regulate her emotions has my absolute sympathy. But if we normalise that as part and parcel of what every woman goes through, there'll be no impetus to treat it as what it is, an illness/disability, and prioritise treatment.

But I'm going to push back against this stereotype that all menopausal women

Well you’re pushing back at something that hasn’t been said by anyone on this thread or anywhere else. Being aware and having options for good care and workplace policy for those it does affect, isn’t creating a stereotype or negative connotation. It’s making a reasonable request to society to accept and be flexible when it comes to menopause, just like we do with pregnancy, some work all the way almost to full term, some don’t, and for maternity leave. Some women are never going to need maternity leave, some are. It is a very positive thing to normalise menopause and the common symptoms that affect many women. I think you trivialise when you imply women want the free pass to go round losing their temper. It’s the stereotypical response. There are a lot more serious symptoms than that for one thing. Awareness that gets us better access to good treatment will also eliminate the occurrence of temper tantrums from us pesky old bags.

I'm menopausal and on HRT. Can go from 0 to homicidal in 60 seconds for no apparent reason! I wouldn't let anyone leave their children with me if they want them back in one piece 😂
Her issues are just that, hers. Your children have to come first.

@TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet seems to be the only one making sense on here!

The children are 1 and 4! How is the OP supposed to do this? Such young children need responsive, loving care to develop and thrive.

OP, this sounds very difficult. Little children can push a lot of buttons and I would feel very uneasy leaving an angry person in charge of two tiny children. I'd have a chat with her to see if there's anything you can do, but ultimately you need to feel safe leaving your children with their caregiver.

Based on the OPs own description of what is happening here:
But every week her mood is worse. She tries to hide it, but i see the eye rolls, the almost growls under her breath if she gets a text that annoys her, or if gets stuck in traffic - she looks livid really quickly. There is sarcasm when dealing with the kids which i don't know if they pick up on = but i certainly do.

I actually think perhaps everyone is overreacting. If you all think the children are so at risk because she eye rolls and is sarcastic, then what do you think about all the kids being looked after by menopausal Mums? ‘Almost growls’ aren’t really grounds for dismissal or anything a child would notice. Is it the children the OP is worried about? Or does she just not like hanging out with her friend as much?

Being sarcastic and having a bad/angry attitude is grounds for dismissal. When you’re paying for professional childcare your child deserves to have good quality care, not an annoyed and sarcastic carer. I don’t know why people are acting like this is totally normal and acceptable from paid childcare - it isn’t. And even if the issue is that she doesn’t like the nanny anymore that’s also relevant. You need to like and trust somebody to leave your child with them.

You really shouldn't leave someone angry with such small children. Your children should be your main priority, not the nanny's feelings. You know you need to get rid of her. Your children can sense her anger you know.