Inappropriate Touching

[amicrazy2]

A bit of background DH has a group of work colleagues both female and male that he is close with at work, not so much outside work other than the odd social occasion. A female friend on the last few occasions has been a bit more flirty than usual and slightly handsy. Haven't let it bother me as DH doesn't have contact with said person out with the above situations, doesn't text/Snapchat her either and most importantly he moves away from her when she's doing this. I know at work they have to work together mostly in a group but sometimes alone but as I trust DH haven't given this any thought.

The problem is now that the latest social event things have escalated and she was inappropriately touching DH on a few occasions to the point he uncomfortable left. Another close colleague witnessed the nights events and confirmed DH hadn't done anything wrong. (she text him along the lines of X was inappropriate but you done the right thing moving away). Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed that he didn't verbally tell her to stop or pull her up on her actions? Should I just be happy that he removed himself from the situation and told me about it straight away.

Going forward I don't know how to stop being so angry. I hate knowing he still has to work with her and that she will be present at social events. I can't expect him to cut complete contact with her or stop going out to socialise just because she will be there but it irks me deeply knowing despite her disrespect towards our marriage he will still be friendly with her.

Any advice please?

Have a read of this

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4648429-things-have-come-to-a-head-friend-being-ott-and-flirting-with-boyfriend

You tell him you are uncomfortable that she keeps escalating. You ask him to send an email to HR/ management about her sexual harrasment.

Thank you. I'll have a read just now.

I have definitely made my feelings clear but don't want to keep going on about it as I appreciate how he is always honest with me and don't want him feeling he can't tell me in future as it'll bother me this much.

Unfortunately emailing for harassment wouldn't be an option (I had jokingly said this the other day) as it would have a knock on effect at work for everything else, it's already a difficult place to work. I agree through that as a man you should feel able to do this too!

Touching his arm or shoulder? Or his face or back or bum? Is it the frequency that's inappropriate?
Just trying to get a sense of it.

He definitely needs to find a diplomatic way of stopping this in its tracks. I can appreciate the awkwardness, having been on the receiving end.

I work in a male environment and can also sympathise a bit with them after many chats about this. If they create a huge fuss it could blow up in their faces and they get accused (falsely) of all things they haven't done. They know they will be the ones investigated if anything is said.

So I think probably the best thing for DH to do us raise it with HR, who will contact her line manager and let them deal with it. If he deals with it directly with her then it can create new problems. Essentially turn the situation around and do what a female would do...

Men trying to report this sort of thing tend to get a very raw deal. He'll, at best be told it's nothing and be laughed at, or at worst reporting it will likely put suspicion in peoples minds that somethings going on between them, he won't believed and it'll add fuel to the fire if she then makes a complaint about it.

He's doing what he can to make it obvious he's not interested, although it's probably worth him saying "Will you get your grubby mitts off me" in a loud-ish voice when she does it around other people. May embarress her enough to back off.

I think he needs to say “I do enjoy working with you, just as much as I do our other colleagues, but I’m not a hands on person and I’m quite uncomfortable being touched. I’m sure you can appreciate that.”

he removed himself from the situation and told me about it straight away.

He did the right thing. But I think it's a great shame that he couldn't raise this at work without fallout. It should absolutely be the same for men as for women.

If he really can't report her then could he avoid all work socials for a while? He shouldn't have to, but I'd be opting out more if I was him because women like this tend to drink more and ramp up towards Christmas. It avoids awkwardness, and keeps him completrly safe from accusations and rumours.

I don't understand why he can't tel her to her face to get her hands off him. I'd want an explanation and then support him to be able to confront her. That's what I'd do with a female friend. I'm on the spectrum, so is my DD, I've had to help her get confident enough to not accept any touching.

I was in a similar position in a previous job. One female colleague was very 'hands on' in the office.
I did find it uncomfortable, but recognised this was just how she was (the behaviour was not restricted to me). It was easier for me ignoring it.

YANBU for your feelings

YABU to push him to actively push back or go to Hr as other posters have mentioned.

Sexes reversed a woman would never be badgered to report or stand up to the person harassing them. And a male partner would be ripped to shreds for even suggesting they should do more to prevent being victimised.

Men often get a raw deal when reporting unwanted sexual advances at the best of times, you’ve said his work environment isn’t supportive so that would be even more difficult for him.

A friends husband experienced similar, he was a jnr doctor and his supervisor touched his bum in front of patients, messaged him at all hours of the day and night, but if he had said anything that would have been it for him in terms of progress. Some environments you just need to unfortunately grin and bear it until you can leave or the other person leaves.

He could still go to the social events without being friendly to her surely..just avoid her, and sounds likes she is starting to make a fool of herself.

I think he is in a really awkward position. I know so many people this has happened to (mostly women but some men) and it has to be completely overt and sexual assault for someone to involve HR otherwise it gets into a horrible he said / she said situation with witnesses wanting to 'stay out of it', counter accusations being made, 'theres no smoke without fire' gossip etc. It can be really stressful. And I know men are liable to get laughed at when they discuss it with people. None of this is right, but it takes a lot to make a stand. So I think he is taking the right course of action at the moment.

I think at this stage he should record everything and have a quiet word with her when she is sober about how he doesnt like being touched and it's making him uncomfortable

I have to add, it might be just the way it's written, but it sounds like you're more offended about her disrespect of you / your marriage and pissed off that he hasn't told you every single detail, than being worried that he is in an awkward position

It started with just touches on the shoulder when laughing etc but has progressed to brushing his thigh, using her hand to brush him against her, grabbing his chest from behind for a hug.

DH doesn't like causing a scene and in his eyes he moved away and didn't give her any attention back which I appreciate but I still feel she thinks she's got the green light as he hasn't verbally said stop.

I can appreciate the awkwardness of it as they are a small knit group and everyone within the group are close friends so he doesn't want any conflict. I also appreciate that he might not want her to turn the situation around and accuse him of all sorts so thinks just ignoring her is best.

I think this is one worry along with the fact that he doesn't like to cause anyone any trouble. He is genuinely a nice person and worries too much what other people think.

The sort of environment he works in this wouldn't be as simple if he did report it. I can't give much away with regards to his work as it'll be outing.

I agree with what you've said and I don't want this for him tbh.

I wish he would have said something to her but he has promised next time he will say something as he has seen himself it's progressing.

I wish he would pull her up on it but as he didn't at the time he would feel too awkward bringing it up now. He's quite socially awkward at the best of times and suffered low confidence prior to this job, he's only just starting to come out his shell so unless he done it at the time this wouldn't be an option.

I think the next scheduled event is a Christmas night so I doubt he will miss that one but he has said "non work related" events he will not attend for now but I hate that he feels he has to do this for me. I trust him completely and don't feel she is a threat in that way but the workplace he works is notorious for cheating/rumours spreading and I don't want false accusations spread hence why I'd rather him stay away from her until things calm down from last time. I'm not sure if that even makes sense.

As she's drunk when doing this and she is a "friend" I think he's worried to cause a scene for her hence why he just moves away. He has said she's embarrassing herself enough on her own without him adding fuel. Deep down I think he doesn't want to draw attention to it as that's when rumours can start.

I do think her nature is like this with males but the fact she knows he's happily married and is progressing each time is pissing me off.

Did you feel like ignoring her helped eventually or do you wish you told her to stop and nipped it in the bud?

Would he feel comfortable just doing a slight ‘jump’ when she touches him? So if she comes up from behind for a hug, he reacts as if she’s put her hands over his eyes.

I would never force him to report anything as I'm aware of the repercussions he could face for doing so. It's a shame that being a man means he wouldn't be taken seriously.

As much as I'm pissed off I know he isn't at fault, he can't control someone's actions and is doing what he thinks is the right thing.

He said he would be civil with her but couldn't avoid her. It's quite a small knitted group so staying away from her completely would be impossible. He has reassured me he will avoid contact as much as he can when he can and will limit any time alone.

I can completely appreciate how this is coming across. Admittedly right now feeling the anger I am very concerned about the disrespect but through the cloud of anger I'm annoyed that she is putting him in such a position and taking advantage of his kind nature and mistaking his friendship for her for something else.