Inappropriate Touching

[amicrazy2]

A bit of background DH has a group of work colleagues both female and male that he is close with at work, not so much outside work other than the odd social occasion. A female friend on the last few occasions has been a bit more flirty than usual and slightly handsy. Haven't let it bother me as DH doesn't have contact with said person out with the above situations, doesn't text/Snapchat her either and most importantly he moves away from her when she's doing this. I know at work they have to work together mostly in a group but sometimes alone but as I trust DH haven't given this any thought.

The problem is now that the latest social event things have escalated and she was inappropriately touching DH on a few occasions to the point he uncomfortable left. Another close colleague witnessed the nights events and confirmed DH hadn't done anything wrong. (she text him along the lines of X was inappropriate but you done the right thing moving away). Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed that he didn't verbally tell her to stop or pull her up on her actions? Should I just be happy that he removed himself from the situation and told me about it straight away.

Going forward I don't know how to stop being so angry. I hate knowing he still has to work with her and that she will be present at social events. I can't expect him to cut complete contact with her or stop going out to socialise just because she will be there but it irks me deeply knowing despite her disrespect towards our marriage he will still be friendly with her.

Any advice please?

Because he's an adult.

i guess he didn’t tell you as he didn’t want to upset you.

Hes obviously not happy about it himself. Perhaps if it happens again he should just say “don’t do that again” you say he’s been quiet and struggled socially so I’d imagine that she wouldn’t expect that, and it would have the desired effect.

maybe he could suggest partners come on next do? Although I realise he should not have to do that at all, but perhaps she doesn’t “register” his relationship status because she doesn’t know you. Not that it’s ok to be like that. But may be a good non confrontational way of her getting the hint - he’s not interested because he moved away etc and then meeting you?
usually I’d say report to HR (and I say this as a manager of a team) but from what you’ve said he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this. He could mention it informally to the manager? If he/she is aware they may keep an eye for that behaviour on the next social gathering and pull them up after witnessing it. That’s what I would do if a staff member told me they were in this situation but didn’t want to act formally on it.

He needs a quiet word with HR and when she does it again, he stops her and tells her very seriously that she absolutely must not touch him, he doesn’t like it. Saying stuff like ‘I’m a married man’ is pointless. She knows this. He needs to be utterly serious and tell her straight, preferably with witnesses.

Huh? Why is he acting like this is something out of his control? Surely when she does any of this stuff, he turns to her and says 'excuse me what are you doing' ? Or something at least?? How did she become so comfortable with him to be doing this? The fact that he immediately tells you, doesn't mean anything. His actions do. He doesn't need you to keep reminding him or making this your problem, he needs to deal with this.

For him to not challenge this is really inappropriate imo.

Not only disrespectful to his marriage, but leaving himself wide open to gossip and accusations.

I wouldn't be impressed and I would expect dh to deal with it properly. As I would (and have) if it were the other way around.

Ideally, if this happens again, he needs to say to her, firmly and quite loudly "Could you stop touching me, please" at the same time as moving away. If she tries to downplay it, he can point out that it's not the first time and it's sexual harassment. If that's too confrontational, he needs a quick word with her, either in private or perhaps in writing, to say it has to stop or he will have to take the issue to senior management.

He could say to her “ Whoa, easy tiger! if I was a woman this would be classed as sexual harassment.
Or Back off, don’t touch what you can’t afford.