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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate Touching

57 replies

amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 09:09

A bit of background DH has a group of work colleagues both female and male that he is close with at work, not so much outside work other than the odd social occasion. A female friend on the last few occasions has been a bit more flirty than usual and slightly handsy. Haven't let it bother me as DH doesn't have contact with said person out with the above situations, doesn't text/Snapchat her either and most importantly he moves away from her when she's doing this. I know at work they have to work together mostly in a group but sometimes alone but as I trust DH haven't given this any thought.

The problem is now that the latest social event things have escalated and she was inappropriately touching DH on a few occasions to the point he uncomfortable left. Another close colleague witnessed the nights events and confirmed DH hadn't done anything wrong. (she text him along the lines of X was inappropriate but you done the right thing moving away). Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed that he didn't verbally tell her to stop or pull her up on her actions? Should I just be happy that he removed himself from the situation and told me about it straight away.

Going forward I don't know how to stop being so angry. I hate knowing he still has to work with her and that she will be present at social events. I can't expect him to cut complete contact with her or stop going out to socialise just because she will be there but it irks me deeply knowing despite her disrespect towards our marriage he will still be friendly with her.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 10:53

SheWoreYellow · 25/10/2022 10:49

Would he feel comfortable just doing a slight ‘jump’ when she touches him? So if she comes up from behind for a hug, he reacts as if she’s put her hands over his eyes.

It's not a bad idea as it'll make clear he isn't enjoying it without the need for causing a scene.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 25/10/2022 10:55

I don't think he's managing the situation just for you - he's just being really sensible about shutting down the risks to him on several levels, personally and professionally. He's right to walk away every time and not be alone with her.

If she has a crush on him or sees him as a conquest then she may choose not to pick up on his cues. Worst case scenario is that she's watching Love Actually on a loop and daydreaming about what she'd like to engineer at the Christmas party.

Original poster
amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 11:01

MeridianB · 25/10/2022 10:55

I don't think he's managing the situation just for you - he's just being really sensible about shutting down the risks to him on several levels, personally and professionally. He's right to walk away every time and not be alone with her.

If she has a crush on him or sees him as a conquest then she may choose not to pick up on his cues. Worst case scenario is that she's watching Love Actually on a loop and daydreaming about what she'd like to engineer at the Christmas party.

You're completely right. I was worried he was doing it to keep me happy and I never want him feeling controlled within our marriage. I trust him and need to learn how to deal with the frustration of this woman without taking it out on DH.

OP posts:
VivX · 25/10/2022 11:03

Jokingly say that only his wife gets to invade his personal space? And continue to walk away / visibly move away every single time.

Lakeyloo · 25/10/2022 11:06

Would the other colleague who text DH have a quiet word with flirty colleague and mention that she had noticed her being a bit too "hands on" and that other people had also commented...go along the lines of "I know you're a friendly, tactile person but i don't want people talking about you and spreading rumours". The jumping away or giving an obvious look is a good idea.

Vapeyvapevape · 25/10/2022 11:08

He needs to say 'Don't do that , I don't like it' every time.

Original poster
amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 11:09

VivX · 25/10/2022 11:03

Jokingly say that only his wife gets to invade his personal space? And continue to walk away / visibly move away every single time.

I like this one

OP posts:
Original poster
amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 11:10

Lakeyloo · 25/10/2022 11:06

Would the other colleague who text DH have a quiet word with flirty colleague and mention that she had noticed her being a bit too "hands on" and that other people had also commented...go along the lines of "I know you're a friendly, tactile person but i don't want people talking about you and spreading rumours". The jumping away or giving an obvious look is a good idea.

Tbh I think this colleague might say something when they are on shift together next but it wouldn't be in a tactful way, they are very straight to the point about things!

I'm hoping they do as I really want someone to pull her up on it as DH obviously hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 11:10

Vapeyvapevape · 25/10/2022 11:08

He needs to say 'Don't do that , I don't like it' every time.

He has reassured me if it happens again he will but I guess I won't know until then or if he actually does or not.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 25/10/2022 11:20

Did you feel like ignoring her helped eventually or do you wish you told her to stop and nipped it in the bud?
I didn't ignore her, I just ignored the behaviour. It didn't make any difference to her behaviour. I was working closely with her on a project (as peers) so I felt the project/work needs trumped my discomfort. I did tend to avoid social events which she attended.

catneedsfeeding · 25/10/2022 11:21

Firstly, upon witnessing it first hand, I would have asked her what the fuck she was doing. Secondly, I would tell DH to tell her to stop touching him inappropriately. It really is that simple.

Gloryofthe80s · 25/10/2022 11:25

He needs to be direct with her and call her out on her behaviour. I’m my experience people like that won’t stop until they have been explicitly told NO!

bigblueyonder · 25/10/2022 11:29

One option a friend used to do is, (DH needs to be wearing a wedding ring) is to say to the handsy woman, whilst pointing at the ring. 'See this, it means no touching'. Kind of drives the point home without too much drama.

MRSE20 · 25/10/2022 11:31

Your DH has done the right thing walking away. It is really good he has told you about this too.

It isn’t going to stop unless DH says something to her or HR. I can totally relate to feeling awkward in these situations, working with touchy males before and sometimes I say something and sometimes I didn’t. It can be really awkward and weirdly enough I felt guilty that I might upset them for saying something!! Which is definitely not the case
But really, it won’t stop unless DH mentions it. All DH needs to say next time is “I feel a bit uncomfortable when you touch me like that, please don’t do it again” and if she does, HR!

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 25/10/2022 11:38

It's sexual harassment, he should make his manager aware of it. It sounds like your DH is uncomfortable with it to, but maybe doesn't feel able to confront her. It's a really difficult situation but I think this is an HR issue.

AliceMcK · 25/10/2022 11:53

I once worked with a man in a similar position, at first I thought he was encouraging it and was actually cheating on his wife. I didn’t know him well and I admit I had pre conceived judgements from past experiences about him. One night at casual work drinks I made a snarky comment about him and this other woman and him being married. He blurted out how much he hated her being all over him. We moved onto a local bar where his wife met up with us. They both poured their hearts out to me, they hated how this other woman behaved and really didn’t know how to handle it. Technically he was her supervisor and she was dating his friend. His wife wanted to confront her but he didn’t want that. In the end he spoke to his boss who was able to put some distance at work between them. At social events he just avoided her. Eventually she got the message but it was very difficult for him and his wife.

Maybe he could have a quiet word with his boss or HR, say he dosnt want to make anything formal but maybe staff should be reminded about inappropriate workplace touching. He can say it’s making you uncomfortable and causing marital issues, rather than saying it’s him. I know he shouldn’t need to say that, men get sexually harassed too, but as stated up thread it’s definitely harder for men in these situations to be taken seriously.

Unseelie · 25/10/2022 13:20

I do understand why he doesn’t want to raise it formally.

If he knows her manager, it might help to have a quiet word verbally from him to her manager about “When X is tipsy she’s groping some of the guys and its causing team problems, any chance you can have a quiet word with her telling her to keep her hands to herself?”

If that isn’t an option then he has to man up and tell her to stop, publicly. If he can think of a joke that might help but he needs to be clear. Next time she does it he steps away, raises his voice and says clearly with a smile:
”All right love no need to get overexcited, keep your hands to yourself.” Or
“Hey, there’s a thing called personal space and it does not involve your hand on my leg.” Or
”If you need something to cuddle, go buy a soft toy, I’m a married man.” Or
”All right all right this ain’t a strip club I don’t need a lap dance thanks”

What exactly he says depends on their work culture.

(It’s also possible she knows he doesn’t like it and is getting a thrill from dominating him 🤢)

Thurst · 25/10/2022 13:31

He could say ‘person space please barbs’ and look irritated. If she’s so dense she hasn’t cottoned on yet this should send their message. Or maybe a colleague could have a word with her.
But I’d bet she knows and enjoys that it makes him uncomfortable. It would be a big deal if he spoke up because it’s a big deal that she’s harassing him and completely unacceptable. She doesn’t care about his feelings or his marriage so why does he care about her career?

Sapphire387 · 25/10/2022 13:41

I'm a cynical union rep but I think he should be keeping a record/diary of events and putting this on record with management/HR.

Next thing could be - he 'rejects' her and suddenly she's the one complaining about him. I think he needs to get in there first, with the truth.

Usou · 25/10/2022 13:49

Most men aren't bothered in the same way as women about people touching them. It's a non event unless it's a major pain.

Why don't you say something? Why is it all on him with you instructing him how to react?

Original poster
amicrazy2 · 25/10/2022 13:52

Usou · 25/10/2022 13:49

Most men aren't bothered in the same way as women about people touching them. It's a non event unless it's a major pain.

Why don't you say something? Why is it all on him with you instructing him how to react?

I've never met her before or have any relationship at all with her or I would have said something.

I'm not going to cause any drama for him by messaging her on social media especially when I don't have any association with her.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 25/10/2022 13:57

Most men aren't bothered in the same way as women about people touching them. It's a non event unless it's a major pain.
And your evidence for that is?

Usou · 25/10/2022 16:52

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 25/10/2022 13:57

Most men aren't bothered in the same way as women about people touching them. It's a non event unless it's a major pain.
And your evidence for that is?

I did a PhD on human perceptions of touching.

😏

Untitledsquatboulder · 25/10/2022 17:11

@Usou so where is your research published?

rookiemere · 25/10/2022 17:19

I think the flinching and recoiling when she does it is the best way to go.
Hopefully this will give her the message that her advances are not welcome and if she persists then after the second or third time, he can do the whole "Personal space please Barb" thing, and if she has an ounce of common sense she will retreat gracefully.