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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit pissed off about ILs response to pregnancy announcement

79 replies

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 15:24

3 years ago, we announced we were pregnant with baby #1, a year after our wedding. I was 29, husband 30. In laws acted like we'd blown their minds and not in a good way. Within an hour after telling them, they had asked if the baby had been planned and weren't we worried that we didn't own a home yet?

Fast forward to now and I asked my husband to tell them about pregnancy #2 on his own, because I suspected they might be rude again. I've only heard the conversation via him, but he always gives them the benefit of the doubt, so it's likely what he told me is actually nicer than what they said. Apparently they seemed 'happy but surprised' and asked again if we'd been trying (inappropriate?!) Also mentioned that we'd 'have our hands full' and brought up the cost of living situation and whether this was the best timing. They passed on their congratulations via DH but haven't messaged me or anything since to say it personally. We now own our home if that makes any difference.

They adore our older child so part of me hoped they'd be pleased with another grandchild. They don't have any other grandchildren and probably won't after this. We're not asking them for money or babysitting or anything, so I'm not sure why they aren't just happy.

They're very middle class (much more so than my parents) and had their kids in their late 30s/40s. Most of their friends' children are well into their 30s without kids yet or are late 30s and just having their first now. I think they find it embarrassing that we had kids so 'young' (I'm 32, DH 33 🙈).

AIBU to be a bit pissed off at dealing with this judgement as a married woman in her 30s? They're making me feel like a teenage mum.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 24/10/2022 15:30

YANBU this weird stigma around motherhood in your 20s is bizarre. Hardly any of my friends have kids (we’re very early 30s), seeing themselves as ‘too young at the moment’. Really?! I fear some of them will end up in the IVF system eventually, but you can’t say anything. Enjoy your new baby!

FabFitFifties · 24/10/2022 15:33

If it makes you feel any better, when my partner and I went to tell my mother I was pregnant, she turned to my partner of 20 years, at that time, and said "oh well, worse things have happened". I was 41 and he was 46. She loved my son though. This was followed up by "are you joking?" when I rang to tell her my son's name ( not common but nothing odd about it) 🤣Some people just see the bleak side of things, and expect thi gs to be difficult. I'd try not to take it personally, and think of how lovely they are to DC1-I'm sure DC2 will be loved too. Congratulations!

Beamur · 24/10/2022 15:36

Mine looked horrified and said to DH (DP at the time) 'was it planned?' Bit rude.

FlibbertyGiblets · 24/10/2022 15:36

My dad shook his newspaper very vigorously, I can tell you Grin
My Mum waved me away with her hand because she was watching the telly Grin

Honestly, don't be annoyed, they are what they are. They love you child and will love this next one, too.

TootMootZoot · 24/10/2022 15:39

I'd never ask if someone had been trying for a baby but I don't think it's that rude especially if your in-laws were speaking just with your son. I don't think anything else sounds rude at all. Commenting on having your hands full and commenting on the cost of living crisis seems normal too.
Have you had any financial help of them?

Your husband said they were happy. Surely that's the most important th8nk

lking679 · 24/10/2022 15:39

In laws were same when we announced we were having a third (we had out first at 32). I am from a big family so wasn’t odd for me. MIL has even said she would have had a third child if she could have (maybe that was part of the reason).
Just weird when like you we don’t ask them for money, babysitting etc, they dote on the other two girls and their level of involvement is up to them.
All my family had to say was congratulations!
Does put a dampener on things!

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 15:42

TootMootZoot · 24/10/2022 15:39

I'd never ask if someone had been trying for a baby but I don't think it's that rude especially if your in-laws were speaking just with your son. I don't think anything else sounds rude at all. Commenting on having your hands full and commenting on the cost of living crisis seems normal too.
Have you had any financial help of them?

Your husband said they were happy. Surely that's the most important th8nk

We've not had a penny off them aside from some wedding contribution money 4 years ago, which was very much offered by them and not something we expected or asked for. We're completely financially independent and able to feed, clothe and care for two children 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
wibblewobbleball · 24/10/2022 15:43

My mother was like this when we told her. My in laws said "oh well never mind" when we found out we were having a girl!! It's hard when you don't get the reaction you would like. But congrats on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well!

MalagaNights · 24/10/2022 15:43

Sounds like they are worriers who don't like change, and can think of all the reasons not to do things.

Also sounds like they'll love the baby once it's here and everything is 'settled' again.

Until you tell them you're having number 3.
Or moving house 😁

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/10/2022 15:44

I think you are hormonal tbh. I cant see anything wrong in what they said.

Brefugee · 24/10/2022 15:47

he's their own son, they voiced some normal thoughts. You're being sensitive, OP. It is expensive and stressful having a 2nd baby, and now when all the talk is of prices going up and the interest rate, why wouldn't it cross their mind. And why wouldn't they say that to their son? When your DCs are grown up are you only ever going to be supportive and never curious if they are going to be ok and are well set up to face what comes? I guess you don't like them very much?

congrats on your pregnancy

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 15:50

@Brefugee I do like them, we get on really well and spend more time with them than my own parents. We've been together a long time so they're like second parents to me really

OP posts:
Wishyfishy · 24/10/2022 15:52

I think it was pretty rude but people can be weird about pregnancy.. my DF said some (to my mind anyway) pretty awful things when I announced I was pregnant.

FictionalCharacter · 24/10/2022 15:53

Bit weird of them but probably not malicious. I honestly don’t why people can’t just say “congratulations, I’m so happy for you!”

Magn · 24/10/2022 15:53

This sounds like the sort of things where they need the benefit of the doubt. If they were generally being awful it would be part of a pattern but as a one off it sounds like they're just being your husbands parents and making sure he's ok at what is a massive life change.

Paddingtonthebear · 24/10/2022 15:54

If it makes you feel any better my MIL burst into (not so happy) tears when she heard I was pregnant 🤣🥴

drkpl · 24/10/2022 15:54

Tell them you didn’t want to risk the health aspects of being geriatric parents like they were.

*no hate to parents in their late 30s/40s, my parents were this age. But if someone commented on me being ‘too young’ having a baby in my early 30s, that is what I’d respond with. Fight insult, with insult.

Floomobal · 24/10/2022 15:57

YABU to care so much about what 2 random people think about you having a baby.

They were rude questions though

twoandone · 24/10/2022 16:02

Floomobal · 24/10/2022 15:57

YABU to care so much about what 2 random people think about you having a baby.

They were rude questions though

Random people? Can't you read?

FlibbertyGiblets · 24/10/2022 16:03

MalagaNights · 24/10/2022 15:43

Sounds like they are worriers who don't like change, and can think of all the reasons not to do things.

Also sounds like they'll love the baby once it's here and everything is 'settled' again.

Until you tell them you're having number 3.
Or moving house 😁

Grin at no 3. Or moving house.

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 16:05

Floomobal · 24/10/2022 15:57

YABU to care so much about what 2 random people think about you having a baby.

They were rude questions though

I should probably try to care less, but you have a weird definition of random

OP posts:
Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 16:06

MalagaNights · 24/10/2022 15:43

Sounds like they are worriers who don't like change, and can think of all the reasons not to do things.

Also sounds like they'll love the baby once it's here and everything is 'settled' again.

Until you tell them you're having number 3.
Or moving house 😁

Thanks, I think this is definitely true. Sadly they jump to all the worries and the negatives and can't just enjoy the moment

OP posts:
littleaprilshower · 24/10/2022 16:16

We are in the same kind of situation, We've just announced to everyone that we are expecting number 2 and my nans first comment was "oh well your never going to be able to afford to buy a house now are you". I was a bit taken aback but I don't think it means they'll love this one any less, I think the older generation (in my family especially) tended to do everything "in order" so to them it's a huge worry for us not to own property etc yet even though we have a stable roof over our heads and have done for some time, it isn't the norm for them and change seems to affect them a lot more. We've also had the "oh well never mind maybe your sister will have a boy eventually" when we announced it's our second girl.

Dollydea · 24/10/2022 16:24

Are they overly anxious/pessimistic in general?
My parents acted like this both times we told them I was pregnant and there was no real need for them to act anything other than happy, they adore both kids and have done from the moment I gave birth, but it's like their pessimism and anxieties couldn't allow them to be happy when they found out I was expecting.

You say they're quite supportive usually and you have a good relationship with them? I really wouldn't think too much into it for the time being.

Congratulations.

Christmaslover2022 · 24/10/2022 16:36

Congratulations 🎊

I had this, its wierd. I was 26 with my 1st, worked in children's hospital and qualified in childcare so already quite experienced with babies.

Both grandparents said, how are you going to cope with a baby?? Do you know what you're doing?? I was very offended.

Then with 2nd pregnancy I had HG, hubby had gone to his mums 50th party and people quizzed him on where i was. His 3 aunts said "oh she's not pregnant is she?' When he told me I was like erm why the NOT pregnant? Why put a negative on that? I don't get it!