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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit pissed off about ILs response to pregnancy announcement

79 replies

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 15:24

3 years ago, we announced we were pregnant with baby #1, a year after our wedding. I was 29, husband 30. In laws acted like we'd blown their minds and not in a good way. Within an hour after telling them, they had asked if the baby had been planned and weren't we worried that we didn't own a home yet?

Fast forward to now and I asked my husband to tell them about pregnancy #2 on his own, because I suspected they might be rude again. I've only heard the conversation via him, but he always gives them the benefit of the doubt, so it's likely what he told me is actually nicer than what they said. Apparently they seemed 'happy but surprised' and asked again if we'd been trying (inappropriate?!) Also mentioned that we'd 'have our hands full' and brought up the cost of living situation and whether this was the best timing. They passed on their congratulations via DH but haven't messaged me or anything since to say it personally. We now own our home if that makes any difference.

They adore our older child so part of me hoped they'd be pleased with another grandchild. They don't have any other grandchildren and probably won't after this. We're not asking them for money or babysitting or anything, so I'm not sure why they aren't just happy.

They're very middle class (much more so than my parents) and had their kids in their late 30s/40s. Most of their friends' children are well into their 30s without kids yet or are late 30s and just having their first now. I think they find it embarrassing that we had kids so 'young' (I'm 32, DH 33 🙈).

AIBU to be a bit pissed off at dealing with this judgement as a married woman in her 30s? They're making me feel like a teenage mum.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 24/10/2022 16:38

yes weird. ignore their problem.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 17:02

They adore our older child so part of me hoped they'd be pleased with another grandchild. They don't have any other grandchildren and probably won't after this. We're not asking them for money or babysitting or anything, so I'm not sure why they aren't just happy.

They'll come round & adore baby No 2 just as much, in time OP.
They are just negative nellies.

Don't allow their habitual mindset to rain on your parade - & congratulations!

HamIsMyCake · 24/10/2022 17:06

Cuppasoupmonster · 24/10/2022 15:30

YANBU this weird stigma around motherhood in your 20s is bizarre. Hardly any of my friends have kids (we’re very early 30s), seeing themselves as ‘too young at the moment’. Really?! I fear some of them will end up in the IVF system eventually, but you can’t say anything. Enjoy your new baby!

I second this.

My sister and a work colleague waited until they were in late 30’s to try for a baby and both of them struggled.

My work colleague had 3 rounds of IVF and managed to have a baby but my dsis didn’t manage to conceive naturally or via IVF. It’s quite sad really.

gabsdot45 · 24/10/2022 17:09

The first time my FIL met our beautiful adopted baby boy, that we'd waited 10 years for he said , "kids are a nightmare, who'd have them" and he didn't buy him a present either.

Darbs76 · 24/10/2022 17:12

My own mother said ‘you’re not are you’ when I said I was pregnant with no 3. I didn’t speak to her for a month and only then as she finally apologised. Only for upsetting me, not sorry for saying it as that’s how she felt. I was 31 then and I guess it beat the reaction to when I told her I was pregnant at 16! Weirdly she was happy when I announced I was pregnant with ds2. But she hated the father of ds2 and dd by the time I announced I was pregnant with DD. I’ve had to let it go. She’s 14 now!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 24/10/2022 17:15

YANBU this weird stigma around motherhood in your 20s is bizarre. Hardly any of my friends have kids (we’re very early 30s), seeing themselves as ‘too young at the moment’. Really?! I fear some of them will end up in the IVF system eventually, but you can’t say
anything. Enjoy your new baby!

I agree the generation who don't want to adult or have a family until they fulfilled their desires and experiences before settling down and unfortunately many leave it to late.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/10/2022 17:23

Cuppasoupmonster · 24/10/2022 15:30

YANBU this weird stigma around motherhood in your 20s is bizarre. Hardly any of my friends have kids (we’re very early 30s), seeing themselves as ‘too young at the moment’. Really?! I fear some of them will end up in the IVF system eventually, but you can’t say anything. Enjoy your new baby!

@Cuppasoupmonster

maybe they are not that bothered about kids full stop? Hence will not be needing ivf

having kids isn’t compulsory, there’s a lot of life to enjoy without them and women are finally feeling empowered to not go down the route that is expected of them

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/10/2022 17:25

EmeraldShamrock1 · 24/10/2022 17:15

YANBU this weird stigma around motherhood in your 20s is bizarre. Hardly any of my friends have kids (we’re very early 30s), seeing themselves as ‘too young at the moment’. Really?! I fear some of them will end up in the IVF system eventually, but you can’t say
anything. Enjoy your new baby!

I agree the generation who don't want to adult or have a family until they fulfilled their desires and experiences before settling down and unfortunately many leave it to late.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@EmeraldShamrock1

what’s up with wanting to fulfil your desires and experience life? Surely that’s what’s life is all about? Not everyone has to reproduce and not everyone wants to

AbsoluteYawns · 24/10/2022 17:29

Forget about their reaction. A simple congrats from them would have sufficed.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Readinginthesun · 24/10/2022 17:40

When my exh and I told his mother we were having our first baby she said “ oh so looks like we are stuck with you now!”

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 17:45

Loving some of these parent/in law stories 🙈

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 24/10/2022 17:51

@Brefugee those points might be relevant if OP’s DH had gone to his parents and said “we’re thinking of having baby no.2 - what do you think?” But OP is already pregnant! So absolutely no point bringing up these points now. Also they are the sort of points you’d raise with an unmarried couple in their early twenties who are still renting, not a married couple in their thirties with a house and older child!

OP sounds like they are just negative nellies who are probably afraid of change at their age. Congrats on your pregnancy! I’m sure in-laws will come round once baby is born!

Fink · 24/10/2022 18:17

This is almost exactly how the conversation went with my IL, esp MIL. I was 28, H was 27, we had been married for 2 years. She went on about it being too soon into the marriage (we had already been together 4 years before the wedding, including 3 years living together), that we needed longer childless to get to settle in as a couple before children. That we were too young. That we needed to get more money first (we were both full-time teachers in a cheap part of the country). Like your IL, she loved DD once she was born, but she was so weird about the pregnancy announcement.

MarshaMelrose · 24/10/2022 18:25

Does it really matter? They love their grandchild and will love this one too. Some people are just more financially cautious than others and it's natural to express worry to a family member, who they clearly love. Let it go. In eight months this conversation will be the last thing on anyone's mind.

BlodynGwyn · 24/10/2022 18:27

I was so excited when my son and daughter told me they were expecting. He's mid-30's and she's late 20's.

I was 21 when I got pregnant the first time and so was my mum 20/21 with her first. Early 20's seems like a normal time to start a family. As a kid, I remember crazy adventurous wild camping with my parents and when my oldest son was a little lad, going up the sides of mountains, me on my horse and him on his pony. We were like kids together.

I'd love more grandchildren!

Mrmoody · 24/10/2022 18:28

My MIL said "well that was daft how are you going to afford 2 on your salary" to DH, which btw we can do just fine! Then proceeded to tell us about her 10k cruise from her 6 figure inheritance she just recieved 😂

141mum · 24/10/2022 18:39

YANBU
i was married, owned a 3 bed house, was 28 , had been together 11 years and my mil said, oh dear god, there are other options you know, good old Catholic for you lol

Floomobal · 24/10/2022 18:45

twoandone · 24/10/2022 16:02

Random people? Can't you read?

Well you sound charming. 😊

I can read thanks. I think 2 people who just happen to be in your life through marriage is a random enough connection to not put any stock in their opinion about your reproductive choices

nokidshere · 24/10/2022 18:45

I suspected
Apparently
me hoped they'd be pleased
so I'm not sure
They're making me feel
I think they find

I think all the above phrases stand out in your post. Why don't you just talk to them? Speculation, feelings, resentments, they just blight your life. Just go and see them, or ring and have a chat

MsMoody · 24/10/2022 19:01

Sounds like they are worriers, I don’t think they mean any malice. When I phoned my dad, excited that I just had an offer accepted on my first flat, I got no congratulations- he was worried about me defaulting on the mortgage or dying an untimely death and leaving him a flat to sell! 🙄 One thing I’ve learned is that some people love to cause themselves unnecessary grief by jumping to the worst case scenario.

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 19:07

nokidshere · 24/10/2022 18:45

I suspected
Apparently
me hoped they'd be pleased
so I'm not sure
They're making me feel
I think they find

I think all the above phrases stand out in your post. Why don't you just talk to them? Speculation, feelings, resentments, they just blight your life. Just go and see them, or ring and have a chat

Hahaha that would absolutely not be the right way to handle this, trust me. The right way to handle this is to vent on MN, never ever mention this to them and move on with my life 😂

OP posts:
riotlady · 24/10/2022 19:43

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 19:07

Hahaha that would absolutely not be the right way to handle this, trust me. The right way to handle this is to vent on MN, never ever mention this to them and move on with my life 😂

This is very much my approach with my ILs, I feel you OP 😂

StickofVeg · 24/10/2022 20:10

I think YABU - they are just more fiscally prudent than you and your DH. They planned for everything prioritized housing, I don't think there is right or wrong just different views.

agutrew · 24/10/2022 20:15

My MIL just changed the subject onto next door's cat when we told them I was pregnant- bizarre and very upsetting.

Youchewb · 24/10/2022 20:24

YANBU at all - they sound weird.

However YABU for saying we are pregnant.
You're pregnant, not your husband.

Also IABU for being pedantic, I know.

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