To be a bit pissed off about ILs response to pregnancy announcement

[Algor1thm]

3 years ago, we announced we were pregnant with baby #1, a year after our wedding. I was 29, husband 30. In laws acted like we'd blown their minds and not in a good way. Within an hour after telling them, they had asked if the baby had been planned and weren't we worried that we didn't own a home yet?

Fast forward to now and I asked my husband to tell them about pregnancy #2 on his own, because I suspected they might be rude again. I've only heard the conversation via him, but he always gives them the benefit of the doubt, so it's likely what he told me is actually nicer than what they said. Apparently they seemed 'happy but surprised' and asked again if we'd been trying (inappropriate?!) Also mentioned that we'd 'have our hands full' and brought up the cost of living situation and whether this was the best timing. They passed on their congratulations via DH but haven't messaged me or anything since to say it personally. We now own our home if that makes any difference.

They adore our older child so part of me hoped they'd be pleased with another grandchild. They don't have any other grandchildren and probably won't after this. We're not asking them for money or babysitting or anything, so I'm not sure why they aren't just happy.

They're very middle class (much more so than my parents) and had their kids in their late 30s/40s. Most of their friends' children are well into their 30s without kids yet or are late 30s and just having their first now. I think they find it embarrassing that we had kids so 'young' (I'm 32, DH 33 🙈).

AIBU to be a bit pissed off at dealing with this judgement as a married woman in her 30s? They're making me feel like a teenage mum.

Some people react very weirdly to pregnancy news. It's almost like they can't cope with the sex and the change and the potential worry and it manifests in verbal diarrhoea.

What miserable sods. I wouldn't have much to do with them personally.

To be really honest with you I’d worry if DD had a baby before a house. I think also I’d be a bit worried because I know how bloody tough the first few years are. i guess you will always seem young to them?

Ever since I had PND I struggle to be really really happy for people having babies. In theory I’m happy for them and I’m definitely happy they are happy but my mind drifts back to sitting on the loo and crying for some reason. Maybe it’s triggering? Honestly I think if DD told me she didn’t want kids I think I’d be like “yay you are free!” (I know everyone doesn’t feel that way).

I had my last child at 29. Aim was all done by 30 and I made it by one month. I am still horrified at all the 40+ mothers who will be dealing with teens in their 50s, and even 60s. Mine are a handful just to feed and get up for school, let alone manage a job too.

Sorry, I literally never say that! Didn't realise I had!

What a disgusting comment.

YANBU at all.

I still remember how hurt I was when I told my mother I'd miscarried the first time. I was 26 and married, and I'd been clear we wanted children. The moment I mentioned pregnancy she snapped that I was far too young. Honestly, the response made me feel as if it was shameful!

Much later on, when we announced that DP was pregnant, her mother was equally negative. DP was 35 and her mum made out that this was just disgusting, far too late, totally inappropriate.

I think both reactions say more about our parents than about us. Unfortunately, some parents find it harder than others to admit their children are real adults who make their own decisions. To me, it sounds as if your ILs have just not understood that you and your DH are adults.

I wouldn't give their reaction to big news a second thought. Lots of people act oddly when told surprising or unexpected news. They were on the spot. They were awkward and a little inappropriate.

As long as they get on board quickly (and it sounds like they did with dc1?), let it go.

29 is not young to have a fist baby. 32 is not young to have a 2nd.

horrified? What an odd approach.
And well done you for having your babies on your schedule!

My late MIL went into the kitchen and started smashing dishes. It was so extreme I couldn't stop laughing but DH wasn't impressed.

Don't let them get to you, they will probably come round and if not it is there loss.

Congratulations.

It's not a disgusting comment to say that people who delay having babies might not find it so easy to conceive when older. That's just a fact - I wouldn't want to delay until my mid/late thirties and then discover a problem, as my window for motherhood would be getting smaller each year!

It is an odd reaction - surely 'congratulations' is standard when 2 people are in a committed, long standing relationship and have a decent income, unless there are extreme circumstances in which a pregnancy really wouldn't be good news! I think they are just people whose default setting is to look for problems. Try not to take it too personally.

Absolutely but they say they would love kids just ‘not anytime soon’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why?

I had my first one at 41 (after 8 years of fertility treatments, for those who want to be horrified). My in-laws said "I guess you need to change your lifestyle then?"

My lifestyle was working during the day, then playing Scrabble in the evenings. I guess they thought we were partying it up as we had no children. People are weird.

My mum was like this, when I told her I was pregnant with my first she didn’t even stop what she was doing (filling up the kettle) and said ‘riiiiiiiiiiight’, that was pretty much it. When I told her I was pregnant with my second she rolled her eyes! But that’s just her and she’s a brilliant mum and Granny in every other respect, so I moaned about it to DP and then got over it.

I do think it’s fair enough for them to be concerned about the financial side of things though.

@Crispyturtle personally I don't think it's their place to be concerned about the financial side of things (vocally anyway, they can think and say whatever they want between themselves) when we've never asked for money or given any indication we can't make ends meet. We're having our second child not our sixth. They had four. I'm just not sure when DH said, 'we're having a baby!' and was clearly happy and not talking about money, why they think it's appropriate to discuss how we're going to afford it. As two financially stable, independent adults it feels like that's our business not theirs? I don't enquire as to how they finance the fancy holidays they go on regularly despite the cost of living crisis.

Nowt so queer as folk. At the announcement of our much planned second pregnancy my ex-MIL said “Whose is it?” with a tinkly laugh. Note “ex-MIL”
one of the many many digs she made at me. I was never unfaithful to my XH and never would be, even at the end. Hard to forgive a comment like that.

That’s really shocking @MeOldBamboo . What a nasty woman. I’d have been tempted to say I’d inseminated myself with the seed of Satan, or that the father could be any one of the local football team.

It seems like they are more concerned about your financial situation rather than your age. Could your dh have borrowed money from them at some stage without you knowing?
Otherwise, unless you were unable to support yourselves, they’re attitude is odd.
If it is about your age, that’s even weirder.

We'd been married when we decided to give it a go, we were living abroad and when we came over to tell our families that their first grandchild was on its way my MIL's first words were How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital!
When we told her about number 2, when numder 1 was about 14 months old her reaction was Oh, you're like bloody rabbits!

My in-laws response was "did you want a second child - I didn't"
They said this to my DH, their second born child.

It was a horrible thing to say to him.

He definitely hasn't borrowed any money from them. Yeah it's just weird. I think they've always found it disappointing how 'little' he earns and see us as quite poor, despite the fact that he earns actually a very good salary and our household income is well above the national average. It's all relative isn't it. I see our family income as amazing, as we're a lot better off than I was growing up. But they see it as he's gone backwards because he doesn't earn as much as his dad did.

Hmm. I know you said you don’t want to bring it up with them so I suppose you will just have to ignore but that’s hard to have to deal with.
Things are different these days. I was a little bit older than you when I had my dd and we didn’t have a house yet either. They probably just don’t get that but still no excuse for them to make unnecessary comments.

Mil told us ah well accidents happen. I made dh ring her later on and tell her actually ds was planned... He arrived premature and mil dumped us!! Been 8 years now since clapped eyes on her.

They were rude, altho it does seem they have form for being a bit inappropriate and miserable when faced with happy news. If you get on well with them otherwise, I’d let it go, I think.