Wondering … would you stay with someone who is a brilliant parent but struggles with money?

[Broccolicelery]

Someone who is a brilliant parent to two year old but contributes nothing really in the way of finances.

Chill, it’s half term

Leave unless you want to end up bankrupt.

To answer your 'how much us reasonable' question, you contribute all of it and then have an agreed amount each to spend as you wish/on essentials as you perceive them for you! Phone, petrol, kids clothes, hairdressers, an agreed amount on your clothes - all come from the joint pot.

I'm a bit shocked.

Ok I'll try to help but need more info.

How many hours per week do you both spend working and on household tasks and childcare?

How much do each of you have left at the end of the month?

Would you consider yourselves in a traditional marriage?

My household is v similar to yours but my earnings are less and DH more. Basically I’ve had to face up to the fact that in the here and now, my time is much better spent at home supporting DD as DH often away with work. I could earn more, but there would be significant impact on time/consistency with DD, and more childcare costs.

My DH has been v reassuring about it, as it’s hard for me to have much less financial independence. When we met, he was a higher earner but the gap has got far wider over the last 5/6 years for multiple reasons. I would definitely have a chat with your DH and see how he feels about it. Our finances are separate too. Basically he gives me what I budget that I’ll need and I break it down into pots for various things.

Something that has really helped me is putting aside money for set bills every month, and then splitting remaining money by how many weeks in the month and giving myself that money weekly. Like you, I cover most of the bits and pieces for DC. I would also try and factor in a small savings pot so that when you have stuff for you car that you’ll be able to use that. It took me a v long time to realise that monthly wages just don’t suit me and that I go a bit mad and end up with nothing, the same as I did when I was a student. I’m now pushing 40 for reference.

But how much is reasonable @LemonsAndCherries ? (And saying you’re shocked isn’t helpful without further info re what you’re shocked about.)

@emptythelitterbox it varies, I’ll try to answer

How many hours per week do you both spend working and on household tasks and childcare? Dh does five days at work I do three. I care for DS the two days I’m not working. Weekends it does more fall to me I’d say. But hard to say as it varies.

How much do each of you have left at the end of the month? Nothing for me, don’t think DH has anything left either at the moment

Would you consider yourselves in a traditional marriage? No not deliberately or consciously but that’s nonetheless what’s happened.

I certainly don’t mean autistic as an insult at all. It was just from how you came across and some of your thoughts and responses. I was aiming for supportive not criticising you.

I think if neither of you have anything left at the end of the month you need to sit together, examine all of the spending, and go from there. On that income I'd expect there to be money left / regular savings going on.

if you are doing the bulk of childcare then you are pulling your weight, but neither of you having money left is a concern I think.

To me, a household income of 99k is large and comfortable and so I don't think that anybody inside that set up is being a leech. Presumably to earn a 75k salary and have a child, one needs support from a partner. 75k jobs tend not to be especially friendly towards nursery pick up times nor frequent time off for minor illness nor school terms. And I would also assume that a 75k job required some working up to meaning performing well, and I would imagine that in the majority of heterosexual relationships, a man recieves support from his partner/wife in taking the majority or at least some of the household admin, cleaning, cooking, shopping off his plate entirely therefore freeing up mental energy for him to devote to work and perform well.

It might be different if the household is struggling financially, but 99k is not.

If it helps give perspective, our household income is much (maybe 60% ish?) lower, we are comfortable, DH earns all of it and when I've expressed anxiety about contributing he just says absolutely no, my contribution (in terms of childcare/pregnancy/baby care/presence) is incredibly valuable and I should not feel like I need to earn. I want to anyway, but it's for personal reasons to me, not because I feel like I owe it to the family, and I expect/accept that the flip side to me earning would be that I will have less availability to the younger DC and less capacity to support DH mentally/physically (which I'm not very good at TBH, luckily he doesn't seem to mind or need this, though I'm sure it would benefit him if I did). Somebody on 75k does not need a partner to support them financially and if he's suggesting you do or make you feel guilty for "only" bringing in 24k then he can fuck off TBH. That's not a partnership, that's just someone thinking of themselves.

I would be very very surprised if your H has no money left at the end of the month.

It is your responsibility to know this. It is legally half your money. In the event you did divorce a court would be looking at your potential earnings which are way less than your H's so you may well be awarded more than half.

I don't think you are leeching at all but I do think you need to protect yourself and be a bit more aware about what your family money situation is.

A salary of £24k is a take home pay of around £1650. Assuming PT nursery is around £700-£800 a month and that Parent B is looking after DC and household responsibilities the rest of the time, plus occasional contributing to shopping, I'd personally say this is pretty fair.

If parent A is not happy with the arrangement, parent A should talk to parent B.

You both need to grow up and have an open discussion about your finances.
A 100k income, only 1 child and you don’t even have £100 saved.

There are all sorts of reasons there’s nothing left at the moment. But phrases like grow up, while they may be much loved by MN, are not helpful. They just aren’t.

@BertieBotts I’m not trying to argue that it isn’t a good income. That is really not what the threads about.

Struggles with money is IMO a very different thing to does not earn outside of the home.

Earning money especially in a corporate, management role is very much easier than parenting a two year old round the clock.

Which is it here @Broccolicelery

The split of money you describe does not sound at all they way would do it.

Much fairer to work out what it hosts to run your household including the children. You work out how to contribute to a household account from which all costs are paid for.

Some people contribute in proportion to your contribution. Others so you end up with equal spending money.

The way you are dividing the hills at the moment does not seem fair to me. The fact they you post about them 'struggling with money' tells you all you need to know about the unfairness.

Do you have any intention or making things more fair?

Struggles with money

• doesn't earn much (because busy being the go to parent?)
• often runs out of money (because doesn't have much to start with?)
• is a demonstrably profligate spender (buys unnecessary expensive items???)

OP. As a matter of interest, who pays for your DC's clothes, toys etc? Does that count as 'household spending' or do you feel it should come out of your own spends? (HINT: It should be household).

Well if it entirely depends on your sex

If you're a woman then its perfectly acceptable and in fact desirable. You shouldn't even really be working at all. Being a sahm should be your ultimate goal.

If you're a man it's obviously completely unacceptable and you're just a cocklodger.

TBH it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

I work part time and have always earned less than DH. However, we are a partnership in the true sense of the word. We have a joint account. I was the primary carer when DD was little. I did all the life admin, most of the cooking, washing and cleaning.

A partnership is not just a financial transaction. If your other half is financially abusing you he will get a shock if you separate and finds that he will be required to pay out a lot more than he does now.

I’m sure you’ve posted helpful things somewhere @Topgub , I’ve never seen it though.

I think since we don’t really have a household pot things inevitably are paid for by me or DH so yes I probably buy more toys etc but DH pays for the mortgage which is arguably more important!

I think you need to sit down together to go through 6 months worth of bank & credit card statements and get an idea of where the money is going.
We often see on MN that the SAHP ends up spending on the child without realising that should be counted as a joint expense.

You are a team (or you should be). I think you are being unduly negative on youself.

Why don't you have a household pot?

Your earnings are approx. 1/3 of his.

Therefore, on a very basic level, you should put in approx. 1/3 to the family pot.

(Making up numbers here, but let's say for example):

£600 nursery
£800 mortgage
£300 other misc. home payments
£200 insurances
£150 wifi / phones etc.
total: £2050

So the minimum you need to cover all bills is £2050, but there will obviously be other incidental family costs, like fuel, soft play, swimming - whatever you're doing with your son during the week, groceries, maybe a sneaky takeaway here and there.

Monthly take home:
You - £1680
Him - £4300

One of two ways to spin it (bear in mind my completely made up figures!) - either you both pay in a proportion of your salary to cover the spends, which would be about £680 for you and £1370 for him. That leaves him with a lot more disposable funds than you.

Better would be for you to each keep £1000 of your salary in your accounts as your own spends for the month. The rest goes into a joint account for family spends, that will include all of those incidentals. And you both have a nice amount of 'fun money'. Anything left over in the joint account to be siphoned off into savings.

Of course I'm not taking into consideration things like, he has higher income but also has a David Lloyd membership, or you pay £40 a month for an iPhone. I would consider all those to be family spends if I'm honest but some would put them into the 'fun money' category.

This is how I would do it anyway. Hope that's helpful!

Thanks for the responses. That helps.
So your paid and unpaid labor add up to 7 days per week and his adds up to 5 days per week. In no way are you a leech.
Unpaid labour is worth something!
Were you aware that women's unpaid labor worldwise is valued at over 10.9 trillion US dollars!

So that is my answer for that.

If he truly has nothing left at the end up the month, then obviously you have some big expenses.

I do think you need more transparency with finances from him to help with future planning even. Some others have given suggestions wrt talks, monitoring finances, budgeting.

My next questions are does he make you feel like you're not doing enough? Are you happy with how things are now? What changes would you like if any?

I suppose we’ve just never really needed a household pot as such. We each just pay what we pay for. But financially that probably is unfair.

Like I say he certainly isn’t abusive or anything. It’s me I’m worried about, that I’m being inconsiderate without meaning to be.

Yup. You need to sit down, total up all your income and all your expenditure. You have about 100k between you, he pays in 75% of that and you 25%. So he should be paying 75% of the bills and you 25%.