Wondering … would you stay with someone who is a brilliant parent but struggles with money?

[Broccolicelery]

Someone who is a brilliant parent to two year old but contributes nothing really in the way of finances.

Doesn't sound too outrageous to me. You're probably describing the financial set up of loads of families, although usually the woman is the lower earner. I get the feeling in this case, the man is the lower earner, but I could be wrong

@ExtraOnions I’m bad with money too, but am the lower earner.

It seems crazy to me that you have a child with someone and don’t know your basic outgoings.
4.3k sounds like a lot but it really depends on outgoings, mortgage could be £500 for a tiny 2 up 2 down in parts of the north, equally it could be anywhere from 1200 to 2000.
Then there’s energy £300 a month, council tax maybe £150-200, water, internet, insurance, a car or travel? the rest of the food for the month, baby items, furniture, days out, household repairs, the list goes on. It might leave parent A with 2k, it might leave them with £500. That depends on your actual situation.

It’s because you want opinions without giving relevant information.

Plus the use of the word leech when describing someone one is in a relationship with is vile.

I’m going out on a limb:

You’re the leech (as your higher earning partner describes) and you think they’re wrong but feel so done in by them wearing you down you aren’t sure.

They tell you that they could do better than you, someone who pulls their weight, your contribution is nothing.

Am I close?

Wouldn’t it be better then to talk to your spouse about whether they think it’s fair? If they’re fine with the split as is rather than worrying about you contributing more put money towards a cleaner if you don’t feel you’re doing enough or work on your credit score.

Did you post on Mumsnet just so you would get a big whipping about it? I'm sure people will oblige.

If it is working for both of you, just don't worry about it. It is actually OK to enjoy life. It doesn't HAVE to be a struggle and a slog.

If it isn't working, change something. You should be talking to your higher earning spouse about it not asking for judgement on a quite shouty internet forum and that makes me wonder if you are quite all right tbh.

I don't think you stay with or leave someone on that basis though- firstly there are lots of other factors that go into a good relationship parenting skills, money being only part.
And even on the parenting/money there is no absolute number/level- it is really what is agreed between you and if one partner resents what the other partner contributes than it isn't working

Well yes, this is what I’m asking @luxxlisbon , I don’t know because I don’t really contribute, to those bills at any rate.

@Merryoldgoat its certainly not helpful to have the thread squabble bicker argue is it’s. Just leave it if you don’t like it.

I’m fine thanks @Mardyface just have a rare moment of peace and thinking about stuff.

Parent B works three days a week and does all the childcare then, plus before and after work on the working days.

So Parent B is contributing something - without parent B, parent A couldn't have their nice career.

It all depends on prior expectations and decisions but in my view it's a weird way to look at a marriage - you don't leech in a marriage, you are one single family. You stay together if you like being in a family together. People not in families decide what % of their time to allocate to earning money, raising children, doing housework, relaxing. People in families do the same, taking all the adults in the family into the equation.

I think you are fine OP. This is a very normal set up. Different jobs pay different amounts, unpaid work in the home is also valuable. Has your OH expressed they are unhappy with the situation?

What's does Partner A think of the set up?

Well yes, this is what I’m asking @luxxlisbon , I don’t know because I don’t really contribute, to those bills at any rate

You should still know, you aren’t a child.
It’s immature to just sit back know so little about your family finances.
Not to mention stupid for your possible future.

I probably do need to change my thinking. I was looking back at some old diaries, things were a lot more equal when I first met DH and now years later not so much. I’d like that to change which has to start with me.

It's not the general feeling because you've been so obtuse no-one can give a worthwhile response. How much of the nursery bill do they pay for instance?

So… joint income is £99k. Parents A and B are not team players so they can organise a peaceful family dynamic? With that income no one should feel stressed about money.
Parent A must remember that higher income allows higher pension contributions before moaning about mortgage, etc.

This is so weird.

Have you never heard of a joint account? I cannot imagine being in a long term relationship, having a child, earning £100k between the couple and nit-picking over who contributes what in an attempt to score points.

@woff45 he hasn’t expressed any discontent or dissatisfaction so I have to assume he is fine with it.

Well, that’s not really what I am trying to do. But thank you just the same,

Parent A should pay half of the childcare costs though...

Does the brilliant parent also parent the child when not working?

I would argue that brilliant parent is hugely contributing through nursery costs and actually looking after the child?
Also added in cleaning? Probably cooking?
Washing and generally caring for child and I assume parent on 75 grand?
Do they also meal plan and sort out child admi like Doc's appt. Research school etc?

Or instead of assuming you could talk to him about it properly, tell him it's worrying you and find out how he actually feels about it instead of asking strangers on MN.

You're not scoring points, but you are keeping a detailed ledger of earnings and outgoings and contributions and percentages and hours worked and housework... exhausting.

Not much of a partnership is it.

Would it help if parent B worked out the extra hours parenting they do - charge at nanny rate. Plus housekeeping- charge at cleaner rate. Plus impact on career and pension by being pt, having to do nursery drop offs.
So they are contributing £1600 net but saving A 50% of nanny and cleaner. Plus acting to their detriment long term which needs addressing eg is A paying into a private pension for them.

I'll never understand why people separate family finances. Yep I'm one of those married women who insisted on a joint account. Why? Because it was a joint decision for me to stay home with our baby for 14 months. He could have done it too, but wanted to work. Since then I have worked PT and made less that DH, but still enough to help with bills. I feel working PT is complete and utter sht, the worst of both worlds. I am sometimes jealous of women who work FT and drop their kid off at nursery all day or school (+afterschool care). I do two mentally loading jobs but I do it for our family. But enough about me -- there is no way I was going to 'divide' our finances while or DD lives at home. No. I told DH if he didn't like it, we could get a divorce, because to me having separate finances always disadvantages the person who makes less. I feel that in the long run it works out, he is now talking about quitting his job (which I'm fine with), and I'd be the main earner. If you are thinking, this person doesn't contribute financially very much RIGHT NOW, you are only thinking in the short-term. What is the bigger earner gets sick? Or dies? The PT person has at least kept their hand in and has the capability to earn more. Talking about the disparity in incomes within a family in this manner makes me feel ill. Why are you with the person if all you care about is how much they contribute money-wise?? So yes, I would stay with a person who is a brilliant parent but makes less. Because it should be about love and family, not MONEY.