Wondering … would you stay with someone who is a brilliant parent but struggles with money?

[Broccolicelery]

Someone who is a brilliant parent to two year old but contributes nothing really in the way of finances.

But why are you contributing like you're a lodger or paying your parents for letting you stay in their house?

Why do you not have a budget for whatever you do monthly as a family, bills, savings, mortgage, emergency money, etc - so things like car servicing, mot etc are accounted for, for the most part?

If you are both putting funds into the same pot and doing as above you know you're both contributing enough regardless of your incomes. If you're short monthly then one of both of you can find ways to increase your income or cut down on expenses.

Also I think you are on 24k if full time not actually earing 24k if you only take home £900?

I really don’t understand the mine and yours if married. Why not everything into pot and agree you each get £x personal spends. A haircut isn’t a luxury it’s necessary to look presentable for work.

@Berrylina I suppose because I am not very good with money. This is the crux of it, I am very very good at parenting but not with budgeting.

I am on £24,000, that is my PT salary.

That's basically the traditional working husband with part time working/SAH wife arrangement.

Car services and haircuts aren't surprise costs though.
You need to focus on what it is you are spending so much on credit cards on each month. Stop with the non essentials.

Are you bored? I found being the main carer incredibly dull and monotonous at times. Could you up your work hours? 4 days instead of 3 maybe?

Have you always been shit with money? Where does that stem from?

@Dixiechickonhols but in fairness if someone here earned what DH does and was married to someone crap with money then they’d be advised to keep finances separate. And that is largely why: to stop me impacting negatively on DH in a credit score sense.

@SpacePotato upping my work hours would be an absolute last resort, I really genuinely feel that our DS gets a lot out of our time together.

But I do fritter money. Have tried the usual advice of writing things down, only withdrawing the cash I need and so on. Might have to try again this month.

Why not both put a percentage into a joint account like 50% or 75% and pay all of the joint costs like food, childcare, mortgage etc out of that.

You are contributing much less financially but you are contributing in other areas too.

When your LO starts school FT there will be much fewer childcare costs and you can go back to work FT and contribute more.

I would have a chat with DP and explain your worries and recognise that you appreciate them contributing so much.
You’ll probably find they’re just as appreciative of what you bring to the table too.

I could but probably won’t or if I do we’ll end up with private school which isn’t really conducive to saving money of course! I could talk to DH about the joint account, it is one possibility but the worry is inadvertently negatively impacting on his credit.

If you aren’t good at budgeting then surely all the more important to have a family pot and designated individual spends.
Car example. If you can’t pay for it fixing your husband lets you walk to work and your child has to miss activities. What if you decide to get a part worn tyre as that’s all you can afford and he says it’s not safe with his child in - does he pay difference. It’s no way to live when you have a child.

I suppose this is the point, he wouldn’t, which would mean taking money from him and he would feel resentful which obviously isn’t what I want!

I don’t see how you’d impact his credit score by having a joint account unless you run it overdrawn and cancel dds etc. I’d get some independent financial advice.

I've never had a joint account with DP.
It's not always necessary or wanted.

But you could have a joint savings account which would remove some of the money and temptation to spend from your own account.

Does he know the extent of your spending? Assume he knows you are rubbish with money?

So what kind of things are going on the credit card - your personal spends (clothes, haircuts, work lunches, daily coffee) or household/ child costs (food shopping, child’s clothes/ shoes / classes or activities)?

I’d say that household/ child costs should come from joint money, not your own money, but that might be harder to split out with the way you and your DH/ DP seem to organise your finances - I’m guessing he pays most bills from his account and you pay childcare & food from your account. You should not be expected to contribute equally to finances due to the disparity in your income - something like a 75:25 split would be fair.

In my experience, it’s a lot easier with a joint account as well as your own personal accounts. We have a joint account for everything household/ child/ food/ pet related costs, and know how much needs to be put in there each month to cover usual monthly costs plus any extra costs like birthdays, Xmas etc.

The monthly amount is split between us (currently 60:40 as I work part-time). The rest of my money is mine to spend as I want. This makes it easier for me to budget as I know how much free money I have each month.

As to the feeling of imbalance in your relationship, I think that happens a lot when one partner (and it’s usually the mum) goes part time or becomes a SAHM. You do sound as though you’ve let things drift a bit by letting DH deal with all the finances - this is disempowering you as you’re not aware of the full financial position. Does he acknowledge that you going part time means you do more childcare/ household stuff? Is there a reason he can’t do any of the nursery runs (commute etc) or has it just fallen to you bu default? Have you thought about how to manage when your DC is at school and you need to cover holidays etc? All things to think about if you’re feeling uncomfortable with the way things are happening now.

Neither of us have savings in the form of bank accounts, there is some money tied up in property.

In terms of the CCs it is most day to day stuff but I could definitely make cutbacks and should.

You still don’t appear to be grasping the massive none monetary contribution you are making.
I mean this kindly op but are you autistic? From your writing style. You appear hung up on I only pay x. It’s not how families work. You are really doing yourself down.
If you died tomorrow how would his life look? Could he work his current job and do nursery runs? If not would be need a nanny - all of a sudden his net income is vastly reduced. Then take off expense of a cleaner as you do that currently. All of a sudden his available money is a fraction of what it was when you were alive.

I don’t think you’re being kind, @Dixiechickonhols , are you?

I do grasp it thanks, the whole thread is about it.

Everyone works their finances differently I guess.
For what it's worth...

DH earns 4 times what I do.
He's FT, I work 3 days.
I have ds2 the days im not working
We split the housework - if anything he does more because he does bits in between meetings etc while I do nothing the days im out at work.
He's able to build he career because I work PT and in a job that fits well with childcare - ie, if he needs to go on away days etc, im always around to pick up at home.
DH is firmly of the opinion that if I can't build my career (I swapped jobs and took a pay cut after children) because of our children then I shouldn't be penalised financially because their OUR children. We have no family around to help at all so it makes sense to us that one of us is always on hand/local etc for children because there is no plan B if something happens.

We just pay the bills and share the rest and it works for us. To me, that's the key - work out what you're both happy with or work out what you're both unhappy with and make changes to that.

A car service is not a personal spend. A haircut, possibly, but it's hardly a fucking fox fur is it?

You seem determined to be in the wrong here. Not sure why. But if you marry and have children with someone the finances have to become joint otherwise in your case one of you is potentially living in luxury while the other is forgoing hair cuts so they can fix the car. That doesn't HAVE to mean joint accounts but it is the easiest way to do it, with a personal spend amount each. That can be equal or not depending on how much you want to flagellate yourself for 'not contributing' just doing all the childcare and housework.

I will bow out as I was trying to help. As a third party reading it I think you are being very hard on yourself and looking at it very black and white - I only pay x. I was trying to frame it in a way that made you understand your valuable contribution to family life. But it’s obviously not come across to you that way.

I think that my worry is just that he’ll resent me. As PP have said I do contribute in ways that aren’t financial but I’m also conscious that finances are a pretty big thing.

How the fuck would anyone know that based on what you've posted. Mortgage and bills could be £100 a month as far as we know, and nursery could be £2000 a month.

@Dixiechickonhols i think I did misinterpret your intentions so apologies for that but I am partly playing devils advocate here - but I have to confess I am a bit hurt by the ‘are you autistic’ - I realise autism isn’t an insult but it’s not generally said as a compliment and it does usually refer to awkward social communication. It came out of the blue rather and did wrong foot me a bit.

If all money is pooled then absolutely fine as one parent is doing more childcare, I assume. Parent AB's money should be pooled though.

My DH is a stay at home dad. I do the earning. He does the childcare and enables me to earn. Works fine because we are a team. If he does get a part time job in the future, that money would be joint money too.