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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to do a full night with baby

122 replies

BigMama32 · 24/10/2022 10:05

DH works long hours at a high pressure job, out the door by 6am home again 1730/1800. We have a LB who’s 4 months and struggling a bit with his sleep at the moment. So, Sunday to Friday I do the full nights so he can rest and then he gets a lie in on Saturday. The trade off is he does Saturday night and I get a lie in on Sunday,

every Saturday night I end up having to come out of the spare room and intervening. I’ve tried ignoring but DH gets pissed off with baby not sleeping and left him hungry, crying, alone in the nursery and told me he was about to “lose it”. I told him to immediately leave the room and I took over.
the next feed the sand night again from the spare room I hear LB screaming and DH getting angry again. I come out make the prepare his milk, calm LB down while hosannas steps out and then hand him back to my husband and go back to bed.

He gets 8hrs a night 6 days a week, I just want one night to rest. Husbands response is well you didn’t have to step in which resulted in ab argument.
However, I don’t feel I could have not intervened, as I can’t sleep through my LB crying anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

BigMama32 · 24/10/2022 10:09

Whoops lots of spelling mistakes
*the next feed the same night
*calm LB down while husband steps out

OP posts:

Ell95 · 24/10/2022 10:11

He sounds selfish

MolliciousIntent · 24/10/2022 10:13

He's a dick. Presumably you're not breastfeeding - next time it's your turn for the night off, go and sleep at a friend's.

The whole performance around the baby not settling is designed to get you to come in and do it for him. Remove yourself from the equation and force him to get on with it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/10/2022 10:14

YANBU

I'm concerned about how angry your DH seems to be getting, does he get this angry where he feels like he's going to 'lose it' with other things?

Quitelikeit · 24/10/2022 10:15

Your husband needs to work in his approach and anger.

a starting point would be to show him what you usually do in the night.

tell him you are concerned about his anger?

tell him the baby is helpless and is relying on his father to care, love and feed him.

tell him he will never regret being part of this parenting process but he will regret looking back at being angry at his son for wanting a night feed

Tomanycarrots · 24/10/2022 10:15

Tbh I wouldn’t let someone with anger issues like that anywhere near my child

Original poster

BigMama32 · 24/10/2022 10:17

he can have a temper for sure, he’s never hurt me physically and do not feel
he ever would to LB either, but when he flips it is volcanic. During the day time he has the patience of a saint with LB, but if his sleep is disturbed he’s like whole different person !

He always apologises the next morning but it’s losing it meaning as it doesn’t replace all that lost sleep I only get the chance at once a week

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 24/10/2022 10:19

Honestly 1 night is probably not enough for him to have the experience and confidence to settle a baby. There is no reason he can’t do Friday, Saturday and 2 half nights in the week. If he’s tired in the mornings then he will start to understand how you feel.
I don’t thinking the “about to lose it” comment is worrying on its own. The early period with a baby is very intense, I don’t doubt I said similar to DH multiple times.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 24/10/2022 10:19

He needs at least to have baby in the mornings then so you can lie in.

Original poster

BigMama32 · 24/10/2022 10:24

@luxxlisbon you know I’d never considered that he may not feel confident and capable enough to do so. I was extremely Unwell immediately post partum in hospital so he did everything for the first 2 weeks, I assumed he felt capable - but it has been 4 months!
thank you for highlighting this I deffo need to ask him if he does feel confident in settling him at night.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigMama32 · 24/10/2022 10:29

@Quitelikeit I like this idea, of showing him what I do. He’s not good at taking feedback so maybe if he just sees it he will take what works for our LB on board.

i have expressed concerns about his anger towards me and baby and he said he was very naive going into this and didn’t think a baby would be this hard…. Floored me a bit I kept telling him it would be the most challenging thing we have ever done!

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 10:35

i have expressed concerns about his anger towards me and baby and he said he was very naive going into this and didn’t think a baby would be this hard

Oh really?
That's what he SAID. What he MEANT was "I didn't think you'd be so unreasonable as expect me to take sole care of my own child once a week, so I am going to be Strategically Incompetent until you get up & do it for me. I'll also make threatening & intimidating comments over the baby's head so that you don't dare to make me cope solo in future. It's far easier for me to lose my temper to get what I want, because you will never allow the baby's needs to go unmet. SorryNot Sorry! Oh & it's all your own fault for getting up when I can't soothe my own child back to sleep."

Cherrytree77 · 24/10/2022 10:40

Why doesnt he take DS during the day so you can rest then? He could take over from when baby wakes on a Sunday morning, take him out for a walk etc.

His anger is what needs addressing here though.

dontknowwhatisbest · 24/10/2022 11:23

DH gets pissed off with baby not sleeping and left him hungry, crying, alone in the nursery and told me he was about to “lose it”

This really isn't great, OP.

If your son was a toddler, I could have more sympathy with a parent who wanted to take a bit more of a hard-line approach to getting a child to self-settle. But at 4 months old - no way. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and screams either strategic incompetence or anger issues (or both).

Herejustforthisone · 24/10/2022 11:26

He is awful. He doesn’t believe it’s his job, he’s utterly resentful giving you one night to sleep, he is getting angry with a four month old baby, and he’s doing it because firstly, he doesn’t give a shit about you, and secondly, because he knows it makes you come and do it instead.

caffelattetogo · 24/10/2022 11:34

Please don't leave a baby with someone this angry. At 4 months he should be cuddling him when he cries, and definitely in the same room. It's not right the way he's behaving, but the baby's safety has to come first.

catandcoffee · 24/10/2022 11:40

He's being a pratt.

My son had never ever held a baby let alone changed a nappy.

Guess what...he held, made bottles and fed his child. Used to share night feeds with his wife,even though he'd have to be up early for work.

Hated changing poo nappies but he did it without moaning.

cantforthelifeofme · 24/10/2022 11:42

Easy to say "I'm losing it" when even subliminally he knows there's an escape for him (ie you).

Sounds like there's resentment between both of you tbh.

But yeah getting 6 nights of 8hrs sleep is quite something with a four month old. Time he pulled his socks up even a bit.

Meatshake · 24/10/2022 11:51

BigMama32 · 24/10/2022 10:24

If he did everything for the first two weeks he is maybe not the run of the mill useless lump type. It sounds like you were pretty unwell after birth? I wonder if now that things have settled down and he's got space to process, I wonder if he's having a bit of a trauma response? That could come out as frustration or anger?

It sounds to me like he needs help and support, not anger and shame.

whatstheteamarie · 24/10/2022 11:55

Your H is telling you very clearly that the baby is harder work than his "high pressure" job.

He can handle a working week of that "high pressure" without shouting and losing it, but not one solitary night of baby care.

And yet, on the other hand, fully aware how much more difficult your job (of looking after the baby) is than his, he is expecting you to do 6 nights out of 7. Well, let's be honest, he's expecting you to do 7 nights out of 7 really isn't he?

He cannot have it both ways.

He either needs to admit that his job is NOT as hard as yours and that he should be stepping up MORE.

Or if he truly believes your job is easier than his, he should find it simple to do one night of full baby care, in fact 2 or more would be simple for him; again this means he should be doing MORE.

Point this out to him and ask him for a sensible response, because right now he's being a shit father and a shit husband and neither of those are acceptable behaviours.

Lcb123 · 24/10/2022 11:57

I don't think it's appropriate he's behaving this way, but could he be lacking confidence and therefore getting overwhelmed? You have developed the knowledge/experience/coping skills for the night care because you do it so much. Maybe he needs to develop his own confidence by doing some nights alongside you so you can share your experience but in a way that's planned ahead.

BankseyVest · 24/10/2022 11:58

Rather than taking over, i'd not let him off, if he's not made a bottle up then tell him to make one, then stand there whilst he feeds her, suggest a nappy change again make him do the change. There's no way I'd take over because I'm sure this is what he's after you doing, so he can go back to bed

Askinforabaskin · 24/10/2022 12:43

Stop letting him have a lie in on Saturday morning. Use the Friday night to do the night feed together so you can show him what to do and reassure him it’s not all that bad.

His anger is concerning, but he does seem to be self aware of that.

Brandybucks · 24/10/2022 12:50

We tried this set up with our first baby (we have 4 now) and for us it simply didn’t work. DH was grumpy in the night and I wouldn’t get any sleep because it would stress me out. However we worked out that he was brilliant from about 5am onwards which is when I was most desperate to sleep so we’ve stuck to this system since then. I will always get up in the middle of the night but I get to lie in whilst he does early mornings and breakfast. You have to work out what best works for you as a couple.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 13:07

Askinforabaskin · 24/10/2022 12:43

Stop letting him have a lie in on Saturday morning. Use the Friday night to do the night feed together so you can show him what to do and reassure him it’s not all that bad.

His anger is concerning, but he does seem to be self aware of that.

Not self-aware enough to stop doing it though is he.

The anger is his way of making OP take over.

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