To expect DH to do a full night with baby

[BigMama32]

DH works long hours at a high pressure job, out the door by 6am home again 1730/1800. We have a LB who’s 4 months and struggling a bit with his sleep at the moment. So, Sunday to Friday I do the full nights so he can rest and then he gets a lie in on Saturday. The trade off is he does Saturday night and I get a lie in on Sunday,

every Saturday night I end up having to come out of the spare room and intervening. I’ve tried ignoring but DH gets pissed off with baby not sleeping and left him hungry, crying, alone in the nursery and told me he was about to “lose it”. I told him to immediately leave the room and I took over.
the next feed the sand night again from the spare room I hear LB screaming and DH getting angry again. I come out make the prepare his milk, calm LB down while hosannas steps out and then hand him back to my husband and go back to bed.

He gets 8hrs a night 6 days a week, I just want one night to rest. Husbands response is well you didn’t have to step in which resulted in ab argument.
However, I don’t feel I could have not intervened, as I can’t sleep through my LB crying anyway.

AIBU?

She's a minx OP ... & I mean to have her ...

I also understand the getting angry and his comment on not realising how hard it was going to be.
I knew being a parent wasn't going to be all rosie but nothing could could of prepared me for how hard it actually is.
I've also got angry at my LO and sat and cried while she's cried just willing her to go to sleep.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do. If it helps when DD went into her own room at 6 months she did start sleeping a lot better.

What worked for us was, I was dreadful late evening 11pm feed, DH great at that one. I'm happy in the mornings.

So I'd get myself to bed early and was able to deal with night wakings after 1am.

We're all different, don't try to "conform" you'll sort it.

But do try to change things up that suit you all.

Honestly, you'll look back at this and it'll be a distant memory, after all you've got terrible twos, threeagers, starting school, starting high school, teenage hood, dating etc to cone......

You'll be fine.

OP my husband works similar hours. He does the last feed of the night (so around midnight) and then I take over, then when he gets home at 6.30 he does her bedtime etc. there's always times either he or I can't settle her or she settles better with someone else. He lies in on sat and I lie in on sun. So on those days whoever gets a lie in will do the 6/7am feed, (she wakes 12, 3/4 and then for the morning at 6-8).

My point is - his job is not an excuse and this is also his child, he should be able to manage things. It is important for you and the baby you are rested.

@Goingforplatinum thank you, he did not grow up in a family home but in a care system as he lost his parents young so has expressed tonight that this made him think having a baby would be a lot rosier/sunshine/rainbows than the reality.

I’m sorry you had a tough time in the beginning. Was there anything that anyone did/said that helped you when you felt angry, or is it just improvement in their sleep with time?

Oh wow, bless him, this needs very careful management.

You sound so hands on, you'll work it out.

Talk, talk, talk, talk that's what it's all about.

It just improves with time. I find I'm better having no sleep then broken sleep and find been woken really difficult, I have patience of a Saint in the day, but not at night, you husband sounds the same.
Silly as it sounds, I did find having headphones with music or an audio book worked if i was really tired, gave me something to focus on as apposed to panicking because baby was screaming and I couldn't settle her. I would sit in her rocking chair giving her cuddles back to sleep whilst listening to something. Looking back, it actually worked quite well.

Assuming the anger is just words and he won't hurt the baby..

I'd start splitting the nights between both of you, every night. Eg you do 10-3 he does 3-7 or whatever works.

He may be going to work, but you can't look after a baby all day everyday with little to no sleep.

I'm breastfeeding (and baby won't take bottle) so I do all night feeds. But if baby is up for any reason other than boob or won't settle after they're fed my husband will take over, and on his days off he'll take baby and let me sleep in the mornings.

But if I wasn't breastfeeding no way would I do every feed, it's just not fair and you need to be a team. And right now your husband is not being a team player.

Jesus Christ he sounds awful! I absolutely couldn't be with a man like this, he sounds useless. My DP also has a high pressure job and is away from home mon-fri but every single weekend since DS was born he has done all the bed time routines and settling, getting up in the night, up on a morning etc every Friday Saturday and Sunday night, there is no excuse. Go out next time so you're not there, he will have to get used to it and learn how to parent his own son. It should be 50/50, there are far too many bone idol men like this and it makes me so annoyed.

All these men with their important jobs…….

I resuscitate people for a living and my working day is longer than your husband’s. Still took turns at night. As do working women in high pressure jobs everywhere,

The bigger issue than this nonsense though is whether he is safe to care for a child if he’s getting so angry he might ‘lose it’ with a small baby.

Would he consider therapy or counselling do you think? I've had moments of unbelievable rage when my baby couldn't sleep - times I had to leave DS screaming in his cot and literally run out of the house cos I was scared by how out of control I felt. I had a reasonably happy and settled childhood but both my parents have mental health issues and I found so many things about early parenthood stressful and triggering. Therapy is helping a lot, I can control and express my anger in much healthier ways now

100% agree with @MolliciousIntent

Why is he getting a lie in on a Sat?? Surely you should be getting the lie in and you need to catch up on lost sleep, whereas he's sleeping through 6 nights a week!

Men who are threatening to 'lose it' are more dangerous than sleep-deprived mothers though. I doubt HE'S asking for help to be a better parent.

We teamed every night. Even though it meant we were both tired. It is hard for anyone to sleep through a crying child, so we just took the idea that we both help out at night and the baby is more likely to settle quicker if there's two people on the job. DP would get up and pick baby out of cot and bring her to me, I'd feed her while he'd go to the loo or whatever, or fetch a clean nappy / outfit for her if there was a spill, then he'd put her back in cot and we'd go to sleep.

In the mornings my DP would often take the baby downstairs so that I could catch up on sleep then. He would often go to bed earlier than me in an evening to catch up on his sleep then. Or we would both just have a really early night, like 8pm.

It was a period of life that was quite hard as we were both pretty tired all the time and didnt have much quality time together in the evenings, but I think in the dark of night when there's crying and its hard, that you need your partner there to help you. It is not a phase that will last forever.

Maybe he's not threatening. Maybe he's highlighting that he cannot cope.

You have no basis for that belief.

Those isn't working. I wouldn't call home by 6 long hours. I suggest he start taking baby (whst is LB?) until 11ish and you go to bed early say 8ish as dc is so young. If formula fed then he cab feed at around 11-1130 [dream feed].

Also suggest that if he can't let you have Sunday lie in then he can lose Saturday lie in too.

Nah, "I'm about to lose it" in this context is as threatening as it would be if you said it during an argument. What happens when he 'loses it?'

This is a good point Random.

1 night a week may be what OP needs to refresh, but DH is unlikely to be able to settle such a young DC at night without a much more regular nighttime routine.

This is the type of thing that works with an older child who can understand DM is having a rest, given the set up it’s practically impossible it would work from the outset.

DH starts to take the the early mornings (5am onwards) every day will work better. If he is a night owl, instead he stays up until 2am.

Many single parents have to cope with nighttime care plus go to work, all his sleep does not have to be protected like this - unless he’s a surgeon or similar.

DH taking 5 days to start to reset the routine as PP said could be helpful, annual or unpaid parental leave.

Would DH consider trauma counselling if a trauma response is being triggered? I would find this concerning as you don’t know how he might react in this state, it’s unpredictable. He did the right thing to walk away in the moment and it was appropriate for you to take over.

Hope you find a way forward.

Zombie thread … why do people not check the dates on these thing ? Or, if you actually want an update, tag the OP

Oops thanks, I’m clearly in zombie mode as didn’t notice the date, annoying how this threads pop up, I haven’t revived it deliberately.

Hopefully things are better 4 months on.

You're CHOOSING to step in. He's not asking you to. Sounds like you're taking away his opportunity to parent. YABU