To expect DH to do a full night with baby

[BigMama32]

DH works long hours at a high pressure job, out the door by 6am home again 1730/1800. We have a LB who’s 4 months and struggling a bit with his sleep at the moment. So, Sunday to Friday I do the full nights so he can rest and then he gets a lie in on Saturday. The trade off is he does Saturday night and I get a lie in on Sunday,

every Saturday night I end up having to come out of the spare room and intervening. I’ve tried ignoring but DH gets pissed off with baby not sleeping and left him hungry, crying, alone in the nursery and told me he was about to “lose it”. I told him to immediately leave the room and I took over.
the next feed the sand night again from the spare room I hear LB screaming and DH getting angry again. I come out make the prepare his milk, calm LB down while hosannas steps out and then hand him back to my husband and go back to bed.

He gets 8hrs a night 6 days a week, I just want one night to rest. Husbands response is well you didn’t have to step in which resulted in ab argument.
However, I don’t feel I could have not intervened, as I can’t sleep through my LB crying anyway.

AIBU?

Wow. Everything sounds so clinical and cold. Why does your baby have to hungry cry so long to until he's fed? Such a tiny precious soul sleeping so far away from his parents too.

Your DH sounds awful. My ex didn't help me with sleep at all. I co-slept and BF which was easier in terms of sleep quality and readiness of milk, though it was in fact far easier on him... he flat out refused to help at all even when baby woke, not hungry but for teething, cuddles etc..

The whole performance around the baby not settling is designed to get you to come in and do it for him. Remove yourself from the equation and force him to get on with it.

This.

Some of these posts are pretty harsh to op's other half.

It's really, really hard settling a baby, and harder for dad if baby is more used to mum. He may well have anger issues stemming from his own childhood that cause him to flip out when a baby won't stop crying. Calling him a shit dad isn't going to help.

I'd suggest talking to him about why he's getting so angry with a helpless baby, encourage him to work through his issues. He's admitted he's finding it harder than expected.

And then it's a case of letting him learn to manage. Yes, he'll have a few tough nights, bit it's all part of the process of learning to be a parent. It is something that has to be learned, or at least it was for me. I definitely lost it a few times with a baby myself and had to have my husband take over.

It does get better. Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst. Stick to your guns that he has to do at least one night but preferably more so he can learn, and you can rest.

Good Luck.

Unfortunately, I'm inclined to agree. I think that this poster has very likely "hit the nail on the head" with their insightful comment.

@KettrickenSmiled Sure. Crying babies are known to be enormously triggering to many people, including mums. Many mums come here to ask for help with the anger they feel to their crying babies.

Saying 'he needs to be less of a dick' is fine, I broadly agree. But it's fairly useless advice in isolation.

@80sMum I don't know. I feel like this is an extremely ungenerous interpretation. Maybe it's right and I'm enormously naive, but having a baby does catch people by surprise, it is harder than a lot of people imagine. Is it beyond the pale that dad is actually struggling?

I don't know, I'm not condoning his anger. But the one night a week thing... It just sounds like a recipe for chaos? Dad is unconfident, baby is confused...

Yes you will end up doing all nights. I'd take Saturday day off instead. Men are dicks.

Have to agree with this

Why is he in the nursery "on his own"
I had twins and whilst DH worked for the small amount of ML that I had I wouldn't have expected him to do any nights and in any event it would be 10x harder for him since the baby just wants their mum at that age and you are all they want/are used to

@Yirumafan i think you missed the point completely. I did not leave my child I stepped in and told him to calmly leave the room. At the next feed I stepped in again and caring for my son 24/7. Let me be very very clear, I don’t feel my son is unsafe with his father - upset overnight yes. Unsafe, in danger, absolutely not.

I approached mumsnet for advice, I propose it is you who is disgusting. kindly take your judgement and unkind remarks off this thread. I will head none of your words.

He sounds horrible. Those aren’t even long hours either, I think he should do more during the week.

Well said @BigMama32

Ignore the Sleep Shamers as well, who feel they have the right to instruct you that their method & only their method is the correct one.

@singlemomof3 @Tigerbus @BrightOrangeRectangles

let me clarify, he sleeps next to me every single night, and in fact contact naps every single day, every sleep until he is ready for the separation. We take him into the nursery )which we have ready for when he’s older) for night feeds so we don’t disturb the other person.

Please be kind, I came for advice not to be preached at.

@Meatshake he certainly isn’t, and during non sleep hours he’s wonderful. He’s handled many a meltdown, attends all his doctors appointments, even takes time off to attend the odd class with us. At night he is a different person when his sleep is disturbed - it could well be a trauma response.
i want to move forward as a family and agree shame and guilt aren’t the right way. For my own well being I do need one nights good sleep a week - just not sure how to navigate the situation

YANBU for feeling knackered and resentful and your husband sounds like he’s being a tw*% but YABU for expecting a full night’s sleep with a four-month-old. It took me a year with my first and two years with my second before I got a full night’s sleep. That said, he shouldn’t be getting angry with baby

@Ihavekids thank you this is actually really helpful advice that I think woilf
help Our family.
thank you for taking the time to write a detailed post too

Sorry but the "lose it" comment is out of order.

I would not leave a goldfish in his care. Volcanic temper? Is this really what you want to subject your child to?

If you do not remove your child from this damaging person, you are both poor parents.

I always find it very difficult to read these kind of posts and I despair hearing the OP defend her husbands temper on this one. It can’t possibly be compared to a sleep deprived mum who has had not had more than 2 hours sleep over weeks (or months) that has to put the baby in a safe space because they feel like they are going to “lose it”. It’s appalling behaviour from her DH and I’m not one to overdramatise these things but I would feel incredibly uneasy at leaving the baby alone with him. My DS has been a difficult baby at times as they all can be but my DH has never lost his temper or spoken to him with anything less than kindness and patience. He draws it from somewhere, even in the midst of sleep deprivation.

I agree with PP’s that having a ‘volcanic temper’ is not something you want around a child. Christ, I love them but they are designed to push your buttons and drive you bananas. I don’t know what the solution is on this one. I wouldn’t be with a man like that but if you stay, I would accept that you need to do all the nights and insist he goes to anger management. Sorry OP, you sound lovely and this is no way a judgement on you but your DH’s behaviour isn’t normal.

The baby is so used to you for sleeping, contact naps 24/7 the baby must struggle that you aren't there.

Your DP needs to do more night time stuff so it's more shared and accepted by your son.

Could he take time off work so he does all day and night time sleeps for 4/5 days? After they've both sussed it you can share it more.

It's incredibly hard to care for a crying baby all night long, as you know. I would imagine dh is frustrated with himself for not being able to cope with it.

Are you minted? Can you afford a night nanny? You need rest but I'm not sure if has to be provided by DH.

Could you set the fatherhood bar any lower?

Assuming you are on maternity leave then expect to do the childcare. I don't understand this sleeping in separate rooms thing either. We all coslept together, so easy and makes breastfeeding easier too

That's helpful to an exhausted mother.

This attitude makes me fucking fuming.

He's working 9-5 (or whatever) outside the home. She's working 9-5 (or whatever) inside the home. While he's at work, the child is 100% her responsibility, obviously, but when they are both at home everything should be split 50:50.

Also, if you'd bothered to read her posts before spewing your judgemental bile, you'd have seen that they are all sharing one room, but the baby is fed elsewhere in the night to minimise disruption to the sleeping parent, and that they're formula feeding.

Just being practical. With a high pressure job you miss out on family stuff. She wants sleep, a night nanny would be a way to get it. You have a child with someone who has a job like that, this is part and parcel of it unless you agree otherwise.

What do you mean "a job like that"?
Plenty of people have high pressure jobs that take them out of the house from 6am to 6pm. Some of them are parents of young children.

He gets a full 8 hours sleep 6 nights out of 7, & is not doing his job at weekends so he has no excuse to not step up on a saturday night.
He knew what his job was before he decided he wanted a child. Why does he get to dob out of parenting? Especially by manipulating his wife with angry outbursts about it?