dog dilemma

[Georginathatsme]

Name changed :)

my partner and I have been together 4 years, own a house, no children but we want that in the future. Both full time jobs in industries which more often than not requires work outside the 9-5.

here goes - I love dogs, I really do - I grew up with them but my parents had a lot more time to nurture and train her.

my partner wants a dog, his parents have a dog which he loves and is very well trained (a Labrador). I’m being asked at least daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times: “can we get one?”

he knows I love animals but I don’t feel ready to commit to revolving all our plans and social lives around a puppy just yet. My partner works from home a lot, but this isn’t necessarily a guarantee in the future. Sometimes, (and I know I ABU) it makes me feel irritated being asked the same question over and over, it seems slightly unfair because it feels as though my
hand is being slightly forced (he would never just get one without me being in agreement but it makes me feel quite mean, does that make sense?)

I also feel that the type of dog is not up to me, we have a good sized house but when we have looked after his parents Labrador the house suddenly seems small with the Labrador walking into walls or doorframes etc when going into different rooms! For example, I like a certain breed of dog which is quite small - whereas my partner is on about chocolate Labrador’s.

in summary, it doesn’t feel like we have the space but more importantly I don’t feel in a place where I can commit to one, and I don’t want to have to leave work early in order to look after the dog. I want to have a dog when the time feels right, for example when we have children and they are of an age where they would
het joy from a dog. I know how much joy dogs being, being brought up with one, I just don’t feel like
now is the right time, but I’m being asked every day “please can we get one” - it makes me feel mean without even doing anything, it’s starting to upset me and make me quite anxious. I feel I have made it clear that “yes dog one day but not right now” is where I am.

just wanted to reach out really and see if anyone has ever been in this position. Thank you for reading 💐

If there's any uncertainty don't do it . Lab's need alot of exercise or they'll tend to get fat which will limit their life expectancy

We now have 2 dogs and it has been a huge tie for the last 2 years. Our eldest dog who is just over 2 has severe separation anxiety and also developed hyper attachment to me. It has been really tough and not something we could foresee happening. We could just about afford the additional dogsitting costs for every time we went out (even for 10 mins) and plan costs for holiday dogsitting but I didn't imagine I wouldn't be able to pop out 10 mins before DH arrived home. He is only a small breed so easy to transport around.

However we have a 2nd pup now and can finally leave pup1, he is much more relaxed with new dog around. 2nd dog is a large breed (fair amount bigger than a lab) but is pretty chilled so he doesn't feel big in the house. We have said that we couldn't have a big bouncy dog in our house as it would feel too small.

Also I am not sure I would want to get a dog until after having kids, bringing a puppy home and bringing them up from day 1 with kids is fine but to introduce an older dog to a baby is personally not something I would like to do particularly.

They are really hard work IMO and probably for the 1st 2 years so it's something you need to be 100% committed to so in your situation I wouldn't be pushed into it.

Thank you for this, especially the chocolate ones they do seem as though they get bigger somehow, it just wouldn’t feel fair.

And they shed like mad.

I used to have a lab cross, and he had the typical lab coat. When he moulted, the downy undercoat got everywhere. It would blow across the kitchen floor in drifts, like tumbleweed, no matter how often I swept/hoovered and groomed the dog. Almost every meal came with a garnish of a few dog hairs and whenever I had a bath, there would be dog hair floating on the top of the bath water. He was a lovely dog in every other respect though.

My next two dogs were non-shedding Lakeland terriers.

@LakieLady I feel your pain with the shedding, both mine do, one has a wiry kind of coat so sticks to clothes, the other has a fluffy undercoat.

Gosh yes I didn’t mention the malting, my partner’s mum is constantly hoovering/cleaning etc exactly as you say, we looked after that dog about a year ago and I still seem to find fur in random places x

I think you need a proper chat about this to find out where his heads at rather than him just badgering you and constantly asking the question.

for me having a dog was an absolute dealbreaker, I had wanted in since I was 19 and lost my childhood boy, it took me another 12 years of waiting until I had the suitable house and lifestyle. If my partner had told me no then it would’ve been the end of our relationship. Yes I love my dogs, but I also love the lifestyle, going for a walk before work every morning and evening, training sessions etc.

you need to understand what this means to him. For some people they fancy the idea of having a dog, for others it’s a goal, for some it is a lifestyle.

I adore my dog, don’t regret getting him for a second. But, dogs are a tie. My kids are old enough to not need childcare etc (2 have left home, one left) and now I have the dog to consider! My mum has a lab, she sheds so much, omg it’s insane. My mum is always hoovering. I’d just say look I’m not saying never, but now isn’t the right time. Please stop asking me, you’re making this out to be a child asking a mother until they give in. Stop it

YANBU. I put off getting a dog for years as it wasn't the right time, however much I wanted one. We did eventually get there and ours is now almost 5 (German shepherd). I absolutely love her to pieces but I also underestimated how much of a tie she would be. I've only just managed to take on an almost full time job as my kids are now old enough to let themselves in after school so she's only on her own until 3.30, and she has a dog walker at lunchtime. The only way I would consider it is if he is willing to pay for a daycare, but with your working late I'm not sure that would even be an option

I wouldn't get one if you plan to have children in the next five years. A big young dog and a baby don't mix unless you're really committed.

You need to be clear with him now that the timing is not yet right and, when you get a dog, it won't be a labrador.

Thats the compromise he can make - yes to dog, when everyone has the time to do it properly (and it takes the better part of two years to raise a puppy to the point they slot in and you can live a normal life again without having to go to extreme lengths to manage them), but flat no to a labrador, they're nice dogs but they're not a dog you want to live with.

I adore dogs, we currently have three, we've had six before now... but there are absolutely breeds I could not live with and labs are one. They are great dogs for other people and I have known some absolutely fantastic ones that I really loved, belonging to friends.. but they're not the dog for me. (I also find they take up an enormous amount of space, far more than my much taller, longer Deerhound ever did!).

Don't get the dog or you'll regret it all the time.

I gave in, I love rookiedog but it's yet another layer of inconvenience and cost to our daily lives. Can you conspire to be away when you next need to look after the lab ? A bit of solo care may cure him of it.

I think you both need to have a proper conversation about this and try to see one another's perspective. Neither of you are in the wrong but you are clearly wanting different things. He WFH and obviously wants the dog and maybe company.
You both need to be completely honest with one another, in much the same way as you would with children. He may want the Labrador more than he wants his relationship so if you say never to a lab then at least he knows. He can then make his own decisions from there whether he can cope with no Labrador in his life ever or whether he wants to move on.

Does his badgering not make you want to walk away? Dogs are tying - you both know this, but he is being immature and unreasonable in his attempts to get his own way even though it won't be in the dogs best interests at this point in your careers..

Can you even practically have a dog? Is one of you working from home full-time? You can't leave a dog on its own all day obviously, and during the puppy months/years they can't be alone even for a few hours. You also won't be able to put it into doggy daycare until they have had all their shots, plus I would not consider that for a small puppy, they need stability and they need to learn to feel safe at home and with their owners first.

You really need to be at least one person at home at least until you know what type of dog you are dealing with. It's not uncommon for dogs to develope separation anxiety and then both their, your and your neighbours lives will be hell if they are left alone.

You mustn't get one unless you are both definitely on the same page. It's just calling for resentment. Dogs are such a huge responsibility and commitment. We've recently lost our lovely two old dogs. They were the most wonderful, well behaved dogs, who slotted into our family life (with kids) perfectly. But still, things were often awkward, or even difficult. We could never be impulsive. Never go out anywhere without them for very long. I miss them, but I won't even be thinking about another dog for a good few years.

I adore all dogs and have a spotty princess of one! However this level of pestering would drive me mad! Labs in particular seem to be the "go to" dog like a ford car or something .Reliable and trustworthy.Truth is they are energetic and like any pup hard work .Tell him you are not keen .He sounds like a 10 year old !

Normally in relationships you look to compromise. I’m not sure why the position on mumsnet seems to be he wants a dog, you don’t want a dog- so you don’t get a dog. You need to have a proper chat with him and understand how much of a priority this is for him. Many people wait years to be in a position to get a dog-with the wfh he might now feel like the pieces are coming together. You need to talk this through fully.

Well you can't get half a dog, can you. The op is already willing to get one in time.

I know way too many crazy labs (due to not getting enough exercise, not having been trained properly) to ever consider one unless you are absolutely committed and have the time for proper care.
Another breed of dog might be ok in your circumstances but if he's saying lab or nothing, then I'd definitely counsel you to err on the side of nothing.

Ok, so DP feels now is the right time to get a dog, you disagree but do want one in the future. Maybe it would be helpful for you to decide exactly where you feel you need to be in terms of career, housing, social life, children, etc. to be in a position to be happy to have a dog in the mix. Then have that conversation with him so he knows what you're working towards. Right now it sounds like you’re just repeatedly saying, ‘no, not yet’.
Re. the breed of the dog, that’s a whole other conversation, I wouldn’t want to live with a lab either, love the ones I’ve met but the moulting, food thievery, and doggy smell are enough to put me off!

It depends on what you are giving as an answer when he asks. If the answer is a "absolutely not unless we move" then it is kinder to clearly say that.

But this isn't a small thing. My desire for pets in my home is huge, for me it was as important a question of compatibility in a partner as whether we both wanted kids. I would be devastated to move in with a partner who had told me they were ok with pets but then decided they didn't want me to have them (or did that "maybe one day but no guarantees" thing). It sounds like it is very important to your partner, so maybe you need to thing about what changes would make it more feasible?

Obviously this isn't relevent if you have always been clear you didn't want a dog and he chose to move in with you anyway. If that is the case, he definitely needs to shut up.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable but perhaps incompatible.

Trying to raise and train a puppy to adulthood is a big job, and whilst it can be done by a single person, it cannot be done if one person is training/socialising/managing to avoid bad habits... and the other person is either doing nothing or actively obstructing/being unhelpful.

It is really not fun to be trying to train a dog whilst the other persons actions whether intentional or not, are undoing your work and teaching unwanted behaviours.

This sort of conflict does often lead to dogs being rehomed, it frequently leads to stress in the home which leads to behaviour problems in the dog... it is basically a shitty idea doomed to failure, to get a dog when only one of the adults actively wants one and has the time, and it is the dog who ultimately suffers for that choice!

Thanks for the thought, we don’t have any other “incompatibilities” so I doubt it