dog dilemma

[Georginathatsme]

Name changed :)

my partner and I have been together 4 years, own a house, no children but we want that in the future. Both full time jobs in industries which more often than not requires work outside the 9-5.

here goes - I love dogs, I really do - I grew up with them but my parents had a lot more time to nurture and train her.

my partner wants a dog, his parents have a dog which he loves and is very well trained (a Labrador). I’m being asked at least daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times: “can we get one?”

he knows I love animals but I don’t feel ready to commit to revolving all our plans and social lives around a puppy just yet. My partner works from home a lot, but this isn’t necessarily a guarantee in the future. Sometimes, (and I know I ABU) it makes me feel irritated being asked the same question over and over, it seems slightly unfair because it feels as though my
hand is being slightly forced (he would never just get one without me being in agreement but it makes me feel quite mean, does that make sense?)

I also feel that the type of dog is not up to me, we have a good sized house but when we have looked after his parents Labrador the house suddenly seems small with the Labrador walking into walls or doorframes etc when going into different rooms! For example, I like a certain breed of dog which is quite small - whereas my partner is on about chocolate Labrador’s.

in summary, it doesn’t feel like we have the space but more importantly I don’t feel in a place where I can commit to one, and I don’t want to have to leave work early in order to look after the dog. I want to have a dog when the time feels right, for example when we have children and they are of an age where they would
het joy from a dog. I know how much joy dogs being, being brought up with one, I just don’t feel like
now is the right time, but I’m being asked every day “please can we get one” - it makes me feel mean without even doing anything, it’s starting to upset me and make me quite anxious. I feel I have made it clear that “yes dog one day but not right now” is where I am.

just wanted to reach out really and see if anyone has ever been in this position. Thank you for reading 💐

We agreed.
Dog small enough to pick up
Low shedding
Would go to dog sitter when we went on hols, I was not willing to compromise on that.
If we both needed to work, would go to day care
No flat faced breeds..
The answer was a Westie. Great fun. I'm a dog owner whereas dp is a dog parent.

We have a 15 week old lab puppy, adorable but hard work.

My dh and adult dc wfh. They thought that would be fine. However, it’s been Hard Work. RiverPup is like a durable bunny on speed at times, and just doesn’t settle. He’s into everything. You can plonk him in front of CBeebies like a toddler. You have to constantly watch him, etc. Fortunately, he’s calmed down and has settled into a routine.

its all very well having a dog, but you have to be prepared.

Remain firm. I was your partner, wanted a dog for decades since my childhood dog died and developed an obsession during lockdown with finally getting a particular breed. My DH was sceptical but eventually went along with it because I was so persistent and he loves me. We love DDog but it is a huge commitment (putting ourselves into 'voluntary lockdown' after lockdowns ended) because I don't want to leave him on his own for long, a drain on our finances (our lovely dog sitter is great but expensive, not to mention all other ongoing costs) and our house looks grotty (gnawed floorboards, table legs, half-eaten sofa, strong dog smell, hair everywhere). I love walking him and spending time with him but my DH's stress levels spike when out with him on his own. The dog adds a lot to my and my DC's life and he is of course part of the family now but I completely underestimated the impact in my DH.

When our old lab died it was 6 years before I could even consider dog owning again as she was lovely but hairy and dog reactive to the extent walking her was never enjoyable after being attacked as a puppy despite lots of professional help. We were gradually coming round to another dog but the thought of another lab despite loving the breed made me feel sick. I just didn't want anything that big and shedding around, coupled with our previous experience.. we were deeply confused by breeds and almost accidentally ended up with a whippet..it is like a different species !! Yes she is nuts and needy but at just over one is already far calmer than she was at 9 months. Her favourite activities are sleeping and socialising. She barely sheds and can very happily be left for 4 hours as she just sleeps, she goes to day care when we are out longer which she loves as she plays with all the other dogs and carers. She is more than happy with one 30min lead walk, another walk with an opportunity to run, and some sniffy potters. If its raining or windy she would rather stay in thanks.

I think he is very unreasonable to dictate both having a dog AND breed of dog.. the breed massively changes the dog owning dynamic.

LOTS of thoughts on this so apologies for the long post:
I was on the fence before we got kilmpup - i know i wanted a dog but wasnt sure it was the right time. I wfh but also had no guarantee of that being forever, so i was keen to sort out the exact detail of what we'd do if i was told we needed to go back to the office which actually sparked a lot of research and questions and planning which helped enormously with my DP being a bit more practical about it rather just having hearts in his eyes.

The BIG thing to mention here is thats been touched on already is that labs can be very easy to train, the reputation isnt wrong, however a lot of people then massively underestimate how much training they DO need. (In fact, a lot of people think training a dog is teaching them 'sit' 'stay' 'paw' for a couple of months, recall on walks and job done... and then wonder why their dog has seperation anxiety or freaks out at the vet or is reactive around other dogs when they've literally done the tesco basics bread version of training) Its a part time job, training a dog - you're not just doing sit/stay/no, you need to sit down ahead of time and figure out what skills your dog is going to need in their life with you and how you are going to train those. A lot of people have assumptions about how you train a dog without doing any actual research into whats best. Labs are also GREEDY and that can be extremely annoying. Plus as you say, they are big dogs!

So we planned:

• dog needs to be able to be left on their own eventually - how do we train that?
• how will you toilet train?
• dog needs to be social around other dogs but know when we want them to stay away, how not to be fearful, how to bounce back if they have a negative encounter
• how do we avoid resource guarding
• how do we try and counteract the prey drive
• how do we avoid seperation anxiety
• how do we get the dog comfortable with being handled for vets visits?
• where will the dog sleep, how do we get them used to that?
• dog will need bathing/grooming, how do we get them comfortable with that?
• how will we get the dog used to travelling?

Etc etc - you get the idea.

Now, a lot of people will tell you that this is over planning and you will just figure it out as it goes along - sure, people do. But what do you do if your dog has a bad experience when young and then struggles to be walked around other dogs? What impact would that have based on where you are able to walk the dog relative to where you live? What happens if your dog has bad seperation anxiety and needs longer to get used to being away from you, what impact might that have on work/travel?

More generally -
Financially - what happens if your dog has allergies and needs expensive food, has behaviour issues so needs additional training classes, insurance, toys etc.
What happens if you can no longer wfh - whats the solution (cos it shouldnt involve 'mum and dad might help out') if its daycare/a dog walker, whats the quality of that in your area? The availability? The cost? How would it fit into commutes?
What happens if the dog is sick and cant go to daycare - do you have a backup plan?
What type of dog do you want, what health issues might that breed have, what behavioural issues, how would you tackle these?
Whose in charge of feeding the dog - if you go out for a long time, seperately or alone, what happens to the dog - whose in charge of sorting out a plan? (In our house we do a shared calendar so whoever puts their plans on the calendar last is ultimately responsible)
How much do you go out/what hobbies/holidays - how does that fit around the dog?
Mess - will you split the cleanup equally? The walks?

Again, might be overkill for some but im so glad we sketched a lot of stuff out before actually making the decision about the dog - if you think your partner has rose tinted glasses on, drill down into the detail!

Also this.
We got kilmpup, and she was a decent puppy but lively and it was the hardest bloody thing i've done trying to work with a puppy! Its NOT easy.

Have had dogs most my life OP. They're great!
But my current old large dog is running at about £3000/year (food, insurance, kennels, vets fees) and if heaven forfend we had to do a proper commute to a proper job eg 45 minutes away, we'd be looking at another £2000/year for dogwalking.

Stick to your guns OP!

Dogs = money, time, dirt and ties.

There's right and wrong times to get a dog and you really have to go in with your eyes open.

Is your dp 5?! Asking several times a day would give me the ick.

Chocolate labs are renowned for being bred for the colour and there were/are lots of unscrupulous breeders aiming for the ‘popular ‘ colour, so be careful if you concede. Also, don’t touch a breeder who doesn’t hip/elbow score the parents and share a 0 for elbows and a very low hipscore (under 6)

Having a dog is a huge tie. I’ve had them for over 20 years and you need to incorporate kennel fees or a dog sitter in your holiday costs or accept that you just won’t go away. Mine render my house filthy. With the storms today, they have left muddy footprints all over, jumped on the sofa (they’re normally allowed) and made the cover filthy. I don’t get a lie in anymore, one is destructive and eats his bed if left past about 5.30am, even tho we don’t leave him til midnight and he has company.

I think your partner needs to grow up. He sounds like a whiny child.

I think you're right not to get (any) dog now.

But I also think you need to check your thinking for future faking. Will there really truthfully ever be the right time for a dog for you? Or will there always be a reason why not?

It's fine to never want a real, living dog (even if you can like the idea of a future fantasy dog). So be careful that you're not stringing him along

He's insane!!!

Of my friends with dogs before children, 2 out of the 11 had to get the dog put down because it was so jealous of its place in the pack when a baby arrived and was unsafe (and they couldn't find anywhere to rehome).

Getting a dog when your (future) children are old enough to engage in its care and develop a relationship with the dog is totally different to trying to introduce an established family dog to life with a baby.

Labs are ridiculously high maintenance, so unless you need a gun dog or are around most of the time, there are so many more suitable dogs for urban/suburban life. He needs to get over himself.

If he wants a trial run of being a parent, give him an egg or a bag of flour or owt and recreate a PCSHE lesson.

We got our first dog before having DC but I wasn’t working at the time and it definitely gave us our first experience of having a proper dependent! DD was 2 by the time I had DC and she was perfectly well behaved with DC. Obviously we never left them on their own together etc, DD was a labradoodle so she was big but her nature was lovely. However, we have also had friends who have had to re home dogs when the baby comes along.

After she died, we got a mini-labradoodle who is much smaller and is lovely. Totally different temperament though, much more anxious and vocal in general. We currently also have a guide dog puppy (Labrador) with us, he’s 12 months and very chilled. His training is ongoing so it really can take a long time to train a dog properly.

My main point here is that you can ever know the nature of the particular dog you get until you live with it. Even if they are happy to be left alone for periods of time (ours both are), they absolutely add a level of responsibility to your life and need to be taken into account in every decision. And someone has to organise their life too, from vet appointments to holiday cover etc, it’s never ending.

It needs to be the right time for both of you!

Of my friends with dogs before children, 2 out of the 11 had to get the dog put down because it was so jealous of its place in the pack when a baby arrived and was unsafe (and they couldn't find anywhere to rehome).

I also know lots of people who got dogs with children, and they also ended up re-homing because the DC couldn't cope with normal puppy behaviour (jumping, mouthing, ripping holes in things), or because they parents didn't realise how much of a commitment a dog would be on top of kids.

Neither way is foolproof.

I disagree that dogs can't be left alone. We have a lab who is 2 and he manages 8am - 4pm Mon-Fri. He either sleep s or watches the traffic going past. He never whines or howls (recorded him and neither neighbours have ever heard him) but he's had it gradually built up since a pup.

No one is saying some dogs can't be left but it won't work for a lot of dogs.

It's not a good idea to get a dog with the idea that it will be fine to leave it alone for hours at a time because you never know how the dog is going to take being left until you have the dog in your home; some dogs just can't cope.

My next door neighbour's dog barks and howls non stop when he's left alone. I also knew someone with a Rotti with terrible separation anxiety that would start howling as soon as his owner left the house, and you could hear him crying all the way down the road.

Poor thing was absolutely frantic every time he was left.

If you're not 100% then don't do it. We have two (8 & 4) and whilst I don't regret them I do regret not thinking more carefully about the practicalities. Their needs have also changed over time.

We struggle to get anyone to watch them when we go abroad, and this is an annual thing. So eventually we have to resort to MIL who although does have them, I feel she feels "obligated". We had a German shepherd when I was a child who died in kennels due to massive neglect, so kennels are never an option. And now we have a caravan, so holidays are plentiful - I even "WFH" there in the summer holidays so the kids can do as they please. But we're due to go at the weekend and the thought of mud and rain and two dogs fills me with dread. It's very idiclic in the summer, lots of walks on the beach, evenings outside the caravan...not so idilic in winter and I'm glad it's the last weekend of the season.

Then there's the dogs needs. I've had two chilled dogs for years. But for whatever reason now I have one who's terrified of fireworks. Due to Diwali I've not slept now in 3 nights, which will continue now up until bonfire night and again at Christmas. It's like having a newborn in the house.

As for kids, I had kids before the dogs and the bond between them is amazing to watch. But we've had a broken arm due to one of them falling over the pup. We've also had the occasional snapping around toys and food, so even though we thought we had lovely chilled dogs, you always have to be on guard.

Then there's the mess...the poo...the grooming...the hoovering...but I wouldn't change them, I just already know we wouldn't have any more.

MN hates dogs. There are a ton of dog threads tonight. Is there a dog troll?

PS if a dog is walking to a door frame- I’d be surprised. Even a dog losing sight will know not to bump into a damn door frame or a wall fgs!

Be honest with your partner- you don’t want a dog. End of.