dog dilemma

[Georginathatsme]

Name changed :)

my partner and I have been together 4 years, own a house, no children but we want that in the future. Both full time jobs in industries which more often than not requires work outside the 9-5.

here goes - I love dogs, I really do - I grew up with them but my parents had a lot more time to nurture and train her.

my partner wants a dog, his parents have a dog which he loves and is very well trained (a Labrador). I’m being asked at least daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times: “can we get one?”

he knows I love animals but I don’t feel ready to commit to revolving all our plans and social lives around a puppy just yet. My partner works from home a lot, but this isn’t necessarily a guarantee in the future. Sometimes, (and I know I ABU) it makes me feel irritated being asked the same question over and over, it seems slightly unfair because it feels as though my
hand is being slightly forced (he would never just get one without me being in agreement but it makes me feel quite mean, does that make sense?)

I also feel that the type of dog is not up to me, we have a good sized house but when we have looked after his parents Labrador the house suddenly seems small with the Labrador walking into walls or doorframes etc when going into different rooms! For example, I like a certain breed of dog which is quite small - whereas my partner is on about chocolate Labrador’s.

in summary, it doesn’t feel like we have the space but more importantly I don’t feel in a place where I can commit to one, and I don’t want to have to leave work early in order to look after the dog. I want to have a dog when the time feels right, for example when we have children and they are of an age where they would
het joy from a dog. I know how much joy dogs being, being brought up with one, I just don’t feel like
now is the right time, but I’m being asked every day “please can we get one” - it makes me feel mean without even doing anything, it’s starting to upset me and make me quite anxious. I feel I have made it clear that “yes dog one day but not right now” is where I am.

just wanted to reach out really and see if anyone has ever been in this position. Thank you for reading 💐

Dogs are a massive commitment, and very expensive in terms of vet insurance.
Also, @Georginathatsme , would it be YOU who has to exercise said dog, and train it?
Time spent training is crucial, of the dog is to be welcomed in other people's houses.
No one wants a chaotic , noisy dog in their house.

Sister in law bought a Working breed {Insane} as her children pestered her so much.
The Working breed is manic, chaotic, pulls like a train, and is absolutely unsuited to where they live, and their lifestyle.

Not the dog's fault, but the humans, who don't bother to train the dog.

Their garden has been ruined.

All these things need bearing in mind.

As the woman, I almost guarantee it will be you doing the walking, the poop pickups, the feeding, the training.

Men who pester never fulfil their end of the bargain.

Get a dog that YOU want, when YOU are ready.

Good luck!

@rookiemere we are in the uk, albeit a fairly rural area. I wouldn’t personally keep a single dog outside although many do. A pair I would be happy to keep outside (the other half insists ours stay in the house when we are out).

Oh my goodness!
They so aren't like 'Other' dogs...Much more like cats.

They are so quiet and good.
I really hope you get one eventually.

{Go through a breed club, and they will guide you best to the type you might like, avoiding the internet adverts entirely}

Whippet rescue has huge waiting lists {Testament to the ease of this breed}

But I'm biased.

Dog disliking mum and her visitor!

Yes but I didn’t say I’d get one did I, just that I like them. Is that okay?

Thank you so much for this ❤️

@Georginathatsme and he didn't say he's getting a Labrador but you're here discussing his preferences weird response tbh.

He is self confessed Labrador only

I think this is a great post. It really is about why he wants a dog, because if its a lifestyle thing it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I have a lot of 'valuable' antique wooden things at chew level and whippet hasn't touched them .. any Bored dog can chew.

Any breed needs work putting into it so it knows not to chew certain things.
Sticks and kindling are allowed, antique wood is not. {Dogs do know the difference}

You don’t want a dog yet
and if you did want a dog you don’t want the dog your DP wants

why do you think YABU in being irritated that he keeps asking you over and over until you relent?
would you do that to him?

Any breed of dog can be destructive if they don't get enough exercise and stimulation.

I own a beagle and they're renowned for being destructive but mine has never touched a thing as we manage his environment properly and give him plenty of exercise and mental training.

Lovely advice for when it’s the right time, thank you! See this sounds perfect, because I like cats, so seems like the perfect compromise!?

It sounds like you are not ready for a dog right now

It would be good to get an idea of timescales of when you think you might want DC and whether you want a dog pre or post DC - this is so your OH has an idea of realistically how long he might have to wait.

Our example
Married 12 years
Going out /living together 5 years before that.
I have always known I wanted a dog but not before DC and not until at least the youngest was at school. My DH was never that keen. I had grown up with dogs so knew the lovely dynamic they brought into the household.
We got a dog last year DC 9&6.

I was very flexible on what breed anything from a terrier size up. My DH did a lot of the research, we were thinking about a labrador but discounted it for all the same reasons as has been mentioned.

We went for an australian labradoodle. We love her so much but we have a settled home, the youngest child was able to control her and the breed suits our family set up.

When getting a dog - the timing of where you are in your life stage is key

This is such helpful and lovely advice, thank you! Researching the right dog seems so sensible, and like you I’m pretty certain I would prefer to wait until we have children at school

Just to add something else into the mix (brace yourselves) my partner says getting a dog before having children makes sense, because it’s a good test to see how we are and good practice? I had no words

Ask him what he'll do when his massive Labrador gets jealous of your newborn baby or frustrated with them for grabbing its tail!

Exactly! Also who needs that stress when you have a newborn? That circumstance is some
time off but it’s exhausting me just thinking about it

He does realise that you can't just hand a dog back when it becomes hard work doesn't he?

Yeah to be fair I probably haven’t painted the best picture of him, I have no doubt he would do the training and caring etc and love the dog unconditionally, but I’m just not ready to have one, I’d feel so sad if we got the dog on the premise that “of course I would end up loving it” (which I would) but just resenting it because of interference with our social life, especially the bigger breed / needy type dog that he wants

Also just wanted to tell you about about a friend's daughter - let's call her J

J just finished a business degree. Did well. She's 24 and bought a miniature dacshund.

J has just started an entry level position in a big company. She could go for various promotions but this would mean she would have to work in London. Totally do-able as J lives in a commuter town.

She decided not to as her dog has separation anxiety. She is putting her career on hold due to her dog.

At J's time in life she should be as flexible as possible with her career to maximise her earnings or be off travelling or whatever. It just doesn't feel the right time for her to be a dog owner

I suppose I just feel mean! Generally laid back in most areas of life but this just feels like something people shouldn’t be “yeah why not” about.

Dogs are such a bind. I wouldn't advise anyone who works full time to get one, unless they had lots of local support (dog walkers/ daycare/family who'd have the dog for weekends away etc).

Tell him to join borrow my dog!

It's not an awful suggestion, to be fair.

Dogs are a big commitment - you need to cope with night-time wakings, accidents, training, not being able to leave them for long periods (or at all in some cases), early mornings walks, exercise, restricted days out, vet visits, socialisation, bathing a filthy dog, grooming (if needed) etc.

You need to both be on the same page - how are you going to raise the dog? Who will feed them and do all the walks? Who will take time off work to take them to the vets or the groomers? Will they go out with a dog walker? Kennels or home boarding or a dog-sitter if you go away? What kind of diet will they have? How will you train them? Who'll do all the night wakings, the early starts...

If you can't agree on how to raise a dog and manage it fairly, you'll struggle even more once there are children in the mix, and, as pessimistic as it sounds, it's much easier to deal with a break up with "just" a dog to worry about.

IMO you either need to get a dog a good 3-4 years before children so they're well-trained and settled before a baby arrives, OR you wait until your youngest child is in primary school so you have the time to dedicate to raising a puppy.

Can't you just encourage his DPs to take lots of holidays? He looks after their dog and gets to understand a bit more about the omnipresent nature of dog ownership, without the 14 year commitment.

Or come look after our goldendoodle. Apart from the high prey drive he's a good doggy.

Or just conveniently arrange to have the dog whenever he discusses plans and see how soon he gets fed up of the dog needing to be considered every time