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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dog dilemma

92 replies

Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 14:25

Name changed :)

my partner and I have been together 4 years, own a house, no children but we want that in the future. Both full time jobs in industries which more often than not requires work outside the 9-5.

here goes - I love dogs, I really do - I grew up with them but my parents had a lot more time to nurture and train her.

my partner wants a dog, his parents have a dog which he loves and is very well trained (a Labrador). I’m being asked at least daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times: “can we get one?”

he knows I love animals but I don’t feel ready to commit to revolving all our plans and social lives around a puppy just yet. My partner works from home a lot, but this isn’t necessarily a guarantee in the future. Sometimes, (and I know I ABU) it makes me feel irritated being asked the same question over and over, it seems slightly unfair because it feels as though my
hand is being slightly forced (he would never just get one without me being in agreement but it makes me feel quite mean, does that make sense?)

I also feel that the type of dog is not up to me, we have a good sized house but when we have looked after his parents Labrador the house suddenly seems small with the Labrador walking into walls or doorframes etc when going into different rooms! For example, I like a certain breed of dog which is quite small - whereas my partner is on about chocolate Labrador’s.

in summary, it doesn’t feel like we have the space but more importantly I don’t feel in a place where I can commit to one, and I don’t want to have to leave work early in order to look after the dog. I want to have a dog when the time feels right, for example when we have children and they are of an age where they would
het joy from a dog. I know how much joy dogs being, being brought up with one, I just don’t feel like
now is the right time, but I’m being asked every day “please can we get one” - it makes me feel mean without even doing anything, it’s starting to upset me and make me quite anxious. I feel I have made it clear that “yes dog one day but not right now” is where I am.

just wanted to reach out really and see if anyone has ever been in this position. Thank you for reading 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 15:44

Livingmybestlifenow · 23/10/2022 15:35

Ok, so DP feels now is the right time to get a dog, you disagree but do want one in the future. Maybe it would be helpful for you to decide exactly where you feel you need to be in terms of career, housing, social life, children, etc. to be in a position to be happy to have a dog in the mix. Then have that conversation with him so he knows what you're working towards. Right now it sounds like you’re just repeatedly saying, ‘no, not yet’.
Re. the breed of the dog, that’s a whole other conversation, I wouldn’t want to live with a lab either, love the ones I’ve met but the moulting, food thievery, and doggy smell are enough to put me off!

Thank you this is really helpful!

Exactly with you, not sure he appreciates how much training they need - his parents lab is the “dream” lab in terms of behaviour but I know they aren’t always like that, our friends have two and one of them is balls to the wall insane! Which comes down to training, which comes down to time, which comes back to my original reasons I suppose

OP posts:
Floodedoutagain · 23/10/2022 15:48

We have a huge lab, he’s four, he’s lovely, but given the choice I don’t think I would have another one, he’s a huge tie, kennels are expensive, the passport to go abroad is no more so he’s £280 for an animal health cert, the tunnel and vets to come home every time we go to our children in France, he’s super hairy too.
we can’t get anyone to have him because he’s 40kg (and he’s not overweight) and really strong. He’s a lovely good boy but I can’t be certain I can get him back because the moment he’s decided he’s off I can’t hold him on a lead. At the moment he’s costing us abou £2000 on medication he needs too.

Getting a dog, especially a large one is not something to be done on a wim, I’d say is just as important as being sure you want a child. (Oh yes and puppies don’t sleep all night to start with, sleep deprivation was another thing although it didn’t last too long).

JockTamsonsBairns · 23/10/2022 15:50

Is your husband 6?

Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 15:51

JockTamsonsBairns · 23/10/2022 15:50

Is your husband 6?

When talking about dogs, it feels that way

OP posts:
AntiqueFlowerRing · 23/10/2022 15:51

I was your partner 15 years ago. Moved out from home (where there had always been a dog/s, from my earliest memory) and really missed having a dog in my life. BUT I knew that the time was not right for us to get a dog - working hours, lifestyle, etc. It would not have been fair. Could we have gotten a dog sooner? Yes. Would it have been a sensible decision? No. Was it hard waiting? Definitely.

15 years later we are finally in a position to have a dog. And took home a rescue at the start of the year. I wouldn't be without him, but he does take time, money, and sacrifice. It was tough waiting, but the right thing to do.

A dog is a big commitment and I think your partner is being unfair in pushing it if you have said you don't think it's the right time.

Thelnebriati · 23/10/2022 15:55

I’m being asked at least daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times: “can we get one?”
That would drive me round the twist. Its as if he's put you into the position of the unfun one who is stopping him from getting a dog.
Instead of focussing on wanting a dog, he should ask himself 'what kind of life can I offer a dog', and make plans. Tell him to think about the time he would need to invest in training it every day, giving it plenty of exercise and activities, working out the new daily routine, and the expense. Solve the problems that are stopping you getting a dog.

pigsDOfly · 23/10/2022 15:56

He sounds like a child using pester power in an attempt to wear you down and get you to agree with his wishes.

You need to have a serious talk about how this makes you feel and how pointless it is for him to nag at you like that.

If you're not ready and the time isn't right for you than you're right to hold off.

Having a dog is a huge commitment that you have to be ready for; no sudden weekends away, going on holiday involves arranging and paying for care for the dog. Then there's the vet bills and so on.

Even an evening out means you have to think about how long you can leave the dog if you end up with one that has separation anxiety.

And if you get a puppy you have to be at home to train it. You can't just bring a puppy home and leave it to get on with things. Does he actually have any idea what all that involves.

I love my dog. I've had her since she was 8 weeks old - I got her when I retired - and she's now 11 years but if I'm honest the tie that has meant in my life hasn't always been easy.

At the moment you're free to do what you want with your life. Make the most of it. When you have children that will change, and the same applies to having a dog.

A dog will seriously curtail your freedom as well.

Charlize43 · 23/10/2022 16:07

Absolutely not and tell him that you refuse to discuss it again.

It's really important to get the training part in early and to let them know who the alpha is. Saying No repeatedly will help reinforce behaviour, but don't forget to reward as well. I suggest booking a city break weekend away for both of you, and then pointing out how much a dog will curtail your freedom. No. Sit!

thelobsterquadrille · 23/10/2022 16:09

Jimmini · 23/10/2022 15:28

Normally in relationships you look to compromise. I’m not sure why the position on mumsnet seems to be he wants a dog, you don’t want a dog- so you don’t get a dog. You need to have a proper chat with him and understand how much of a priority this is for him. Many people wait years to be in a position to get a dog-with the wfh he might now feel like the pieces are coming together. You need to talk this through fully.

Because both partners need to be fully on-board when it comes to getting a dog!

It's the same with children - the person who doesn't want children (or more children) gets the "final say".

You can't just get half a dog, or a part-time dog. They're a major commitment and some breeds live to almost 20 years of age. Not something to take on lightly.

oakleaffy · 23/10/2022 16:11

@Georginathatsme
Flabradors are heavy and clumsy, and extraordinarily greedy.
A neighbour had one who was coprophagic, which was gross.

A neat Whippet that is quiet and curls up out of the way is a very different proposition.

Labradors need a shit ton of exercise if they aren't to become fat.

I'd never want a big heavy dog like that, all muddy and blunderbussy.

Something small and quiet is much easier.

rookiemere · 23/10/2022 16:12

Charlize43 · 23/10/2022 16:07

Absolutely not and tell him that you refuse to discuss it again.

It's really important to get the training part in early and to let them know who the alpha is. Saying No repeatedly will help reinforce behaviour, but don't forget to reward as well. I suggest booking a city break weekend away for both of you, and then pointing out how much a dog will curtail your freedom. No. Sit!

Loving what you did there Wink

Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:14

oakleaffy · 23/10/2022 16:11

@Georginathatsme
Flabradors are heavy and clumsy, and extraordinarily greedy.
A neighbour had one who was coprophagic, which was gross.

A neat Whippet that is quiet and curls up out of the way is a very different proposition.

Labradors need a shit ton of exercise if they aren't to become fat.

I'd never want a big heavy dog like that, all muddy and blunderbussy.

Something small and quiet is much easier.

Thank you, and that’s how I feel pretty much, I think it’s one thing to pretty much insist on a dog but also the breed, just feels unfair.

OP posts:
Asdf12345 · 23/10/2022 16:15

So long as you are happy to build it a decent run and kennel and keep it outside during the day or all the time you don’t have to leave work early for it. Just exercise/train it morning and night.

We are the only house on our road with live in dogs, everyone else’s live outside.

Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:16

pigsDOfly · 23/10/2022 15:56

He sounds like a child using pester power in an attempt to wear you down and get you to agree with his wishes.

You need to have a serious talk about how this makes you feel and how pointless it is for him to nag at you like that.

If you're not ready and the time isn't right for you than you're right to hold off.

Having a dog is a huge commitment that you have to be ready for; no sudden weekends away, going on holiday involves arranging and paying for care for the dog. Then there's the vet bills and so on.

Even an evening out means you have to think about how long you can leave the dog if you end up with one that has separation anxiety.

And if you get a puppy you have to be at home to train it. You can't just bring a puppy home and leave it to get on with things. Does he actually have any idea what all that involves.

I love my dog. I've had her since she was 8 weeks old - I got her when I retired - and she's now 11 years but if I'm honest the tie that has meant in my life hasn't always been easy.

At the moment you're free to do what you want with your life. Make the most of it. When you have children that will change, and the same applies to having a dog.

A dog will seriously curtail your freedom as well.

Thank you, that’s really good advice.

His brother’s partner got a dog (kind of against his will but he went along with it) and the dog has full-on separation anxiety, the brother can’t go anywhere or do anything unless his partner has finished her shift pattern

OP posts:
Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:16

Thelnebriati · 23/10/2022 15:55

I’m being asked at least daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times: “can we get one?”
That would drive me round the twist. Its as if he's put you into the position of the unfun one who is stopping him from getting a dog.
Instead of focussing on wanting a dog, he should ask himself 'what kind of life can I offer a dog', and make plans. Tell him to think about the time he would need to invest in training it every day, giving it plenty of exercise and activities, working out the new daily routine, and the expense. Solve the problems that are stopping you getting a dog.

That’s articulated it really well - it does make me feel the unfun one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:17

Charlize43 · 23/10/2022 16:07

Absolutely not and tell him that you refuse to discuss it again.

It's really important to get the training part in early and to let them know who the alpha is. Saying No repeatedly will help reinforce behaviour, but don't forget to reward as well. I suggest booking a city break weekend away for both of you, and then pointing out how much a dog will curtail your freedom. No. Sit!

😄

OP posts:
rookiemere · 23/10/2022 16:19

@Asdf12345 are you in the UK ?
It's unusual for dogs to be kept outside in UK and IMHO cruel. Why get a social pet and then isolate it most of the time ?

Mind you I very much do not want to see rookiedog <100% not my decision or choice to get any dog right now. He caught a squirrel when out with DS and DH allegedly too busy doing DIY to sort it out, so muggins here < and remember I definitely did not want a dog> had to sort it out.

oakleaffy · 23/10/2022 16:21

Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:14

Thank you, and that’s how I feel pretty much, I think it’s one thing to pretty much insist on a dog but also the breed, just feels unfair.

Show quote history

My mum {82} dislikes dogs.
But she tolerates my Whippet as Whippet is small, non smelly, quiet, well mannered, and more like a cat. {Mum's legs in pic with Whippet}

dog dilemma
been and done it. · 23/10/2022 16:22

Maybe you could try fostering for a bit and see how that goes?

StrangerOnline · 23/10/2022 16:23

Completely understand both of you…
Really miss my dogs (second one died a few months ago) but you are being very responsible.

Have you considered doing something like ‘borrow my doggy’?
Or fostering dogs - various charities need help eg/ Hearing Dogs, or old people spending time in hospital… this may help fulfil his canine need without a long-term/permanent commitment

Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:25

oakleaffy · 23/10/2022 16:21

My mum {82} dislikes dogs.
But she tolerates my Whippet as Whippet is small, non smelly, quiet, well mannered, and more like a cat. {Mum's legs in pic with Whippet}

Show quote history

So to reveal my dog of choice, it’s a Whippet 😍

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 16:25

Normally in relationships you look to compromise. I’m not sure why the position on mumsnet seems to be he wants a dog, you don’t want a dog- so you don’t get a dog.

Because you don't get a pet you don't want as it's not fair on the animal. It's not about the owners.

Original poster
Georginathatsme · 23/10/2022 16:26

oakleaffy · 23/10/2022 16:21

My mum {82} dislikes dogs.
But she tolerates my Whippet as Whippet is small, non smelly, quiet, well mannered, and more like a cat. {Mum's legs in pic with Whippet}

Show quote history

Adorable on so many levels

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 16:27

So to reveal my dog of choice, it’s a Whippet

But you're concerned about the amount of exercise a lab needs? Grin whippets are great at destroying anything wood

Stickytreacle · 23/10/2022 16:30

I wouldn't get a lab, chocolate labs seem particularly prone to being more difficult to train and food obsessed in my experience. I have two large chocolate labs and I spend a fortune on food and meds, hoovering is at least a daily chore and when it's wet they get covered in mud which they get everywhere! As they age they are difficult to take anywhere, mine are 12 now and as much as I love them, they will be our last labs.
Fostering for a rescue or walking for guide dogs/hearing dogs might give him a taste of what is involved, I couldn't have lived happily without my dogs, but you need time, patience and commitment as well as stamina sometimes!

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