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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Young men who get stuck doing nothing...

411 replies

Bunny890 · 23/10/2022 12:28

My younger brother is living at home with my parents and I know several other young men who also get 'stuck' at home - endlessly online, alienate friends, not able to even look for employment or engage with healthcare. I realise that there is a mental health element to this, but I can't help but feel frustrated - Mu

OP posts:
Bunny890 · 23/10/2022 14:51

@RedHelenB she gave up her job because of his suicide threats.

There have been various diagnosis' over the years. The latest suggestion was that he had a type of non-psychotic schizophrenia, but I'm not sure where they are with that.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 23/10/2022 14:53

cimena · 23/10/2022 13:33

I have a different angle on this - I don’t think it’s ‘demonising’ but I do think the playing field has shifted and white men have a slightly higher barrier to the traditional idea of ‘success’. We’re not too far along from the era when women weren’t expected to take ‘serious’ careers or be the breadwinner - a job, sure, but not one that threatens mens traditional spheres. I’m only 40 but I remember men being ‘head of the household’ was still quite a real thing when I was young.

It’s good that things are balancing out in this way, but power is not infinite and so more power for women does mean less for men and I wonder if there’s a feeling of lostness in a generation of white men who will likely have to try a lot harder than their dads did.

I agree with this.

Plus the death of towns where all the men worked together on the harbour or down the mines, their wives all knew each other, there was community built in and men knew their purpose in life was to provide for the family on their wage.

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/10/2022 14:54

The people who do kill themselves go and do it, they don't threaten it to their families. That said, it could be a cry for help.

He's got an easy life being housed, fed and looked after. He's living via the internet, not social interaction. The thought of going out and seeing people may have become insurmountable to him now. Do you know how he alienated his friends? Any specifics?

MindPalace · 23/10/2022 14:54

Yes, I know several brothers who have done this. And it’s 100% men and it’s the poor ageing parents who suffer.

Livelovebehappy · 23/10/2022 14:55

Similar situation, although there has been a very recent change. 24 year old son, never worked, and an avid gamer. He was and is very socially awkward with anyone outside immediate family, and a couple of very close old school friends. I was like that at his age, and working and life in general was miserable for me at that time, so I was over protective of him, compounded by the fact his father and I separated when he turned 13, so I over compensated for the fact he had no contact with his father. I’ve never given him money - he didn’t care as said didn’t need money. All he did was game and sleep. Daughter entirely the opposite. Worked from leaving school, has her own house now with a great well paid job. I researched what might be wrong with him - went down the NT route, but nothing seemed to match up. I felt, and was, judged by friends and family, who thought I should throw him out to make him stand on his own two feet. But I just couldn’t. Ended a couple of weeks ago when I was saying how hard things were going to be over the coming months with cost of living. He then just announced a couple of days later that a friend who he has known since school had got him a job in a factory. I was delighted, although I would have liked him to get something better - he is bright, intelligent and kind. I’m still anxious though, as I half expect him to get fed up after a couple of weeks and walk out. I hope not, and really hoping he is starting to turn his life round.

MindPalace · 23/10/2022 14:55

Quite a few are Asian - so it’s not a white young man thing.

PeloFondo · 23/10/2022 14:57

I see a lot in my area but it's a different type
All in black, balaclavas, usually walking bully dogs and between 15-30 in age ish
None seem to work or do anything except antisocial behaviour and wander around in groups all day. I always wonder what happens to them when they get to 40/50

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/10/2022 15:00

@cimena I think that is a tiny step away from blaming women for making men's lives harder. It's like the incel movement - far easier to blame someone else than make an effort to change things yourself.

Taillighttoobright · 23/10/2022 15:00

Why don't the parents throw out the gaming equipment and see what happens?

Notepadfrog · 23/10/2022 15:04

Taillighttoobright · 23/10/2022 15:00

Why don't the parents throw out the gaming equipment and see what happens?

OP has already said her brother got violent when the internet was restricted.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 15:05

How will they cope with no electric with the proposed power cuts?

Upsidedownagain · 23/10/2022 15:06

Taillighttoobright · 23/10/2022 15:00

Why don't the parents throw out the gaming equipment and see what happens?

I think that could precipitate a total breakdown or violent attack unfortunately. They would see it as fundamental to their very being and be unable to cope.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 15:06

So they get violent and bowed down to?

Er no. What happens when these parents die? The 'don' gets left the house? Rest of family get zero inheritance I guess. Keep them how they are accustomed?

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 15:08

'Son' not don!

EnAttendantGodot · 23/10/2022 15:09

My step brother is like this and he's in his mid 30s. He has a personality disorder diagnosis and really struggles emotionally. He's had lots of input from mental health services but it hasn't made much difference in the long term.

I definitely think how he was parented has a lot to do with how he is now. His relationship with his mum has been very volatile since he was young. She used to deliberately manipulate his emotions in a really horrible way in order to disrupt his relationship with his dad - telling him his dad had abandoned them, dad didn't care about him anymore, he (son) was everything to her etc, etc. She would also dump him with his dad at short notice to go out partying and then be uncontactable. He would get in a huge panic thinking that something had happened to her. It was really upsetting and basically emotionally abusive. She needed him to be unhappy to prove to her ex the harm he had caused them by ending their relationship.

Meanwhile, my step dad's idea of parenting was basically to do/get whatever his son said he wanted - lots of games consoles and new toys, vast amounts of junk food, but no thought to helping his son build friendships, develop emotional and social skills or acknowledge and process the genuine emotional stress he was under from being the child in the middle of a horribly messy separation. He couldn't acknowledge the guilt he had about the separation, so tried to buy his son's love and happiness through totally unboundaried short-term parenting.

Meanwhile, my step brother started to struggle more and more socially - falling out with peers at school/college and struggling to make friends. Instead of helping him repair relationships and develop skills and independence, he was encouraged to believe that he was special, other people were horrible and that he needed to be protected from the world. I feel rather unsympathetic writing that, because he did have genuine difficulties as a teen and child that warranted additional support. But instead of helping him to gain independence, everything seemed to cement his view of himself as different, both in a grandiose and 'special' way and as someone unable to cope with a big scary adult world.

As a result, he's now an adult who has never acquired any of the practical skills needed for an independent life (cooking, budgeting, cleaning, some personal hygiene issues). And has never developed the emotional skills needed to build supportive relationships or persevere with developing the practical skills he lacks. It's like he's been fossilised as a lonely, angry teen for more than half his life. It's really grim and quite sad.

Pixiedust1234 · 23/10/2022 15:09

I can see why there's a downward spiral and its past kicking out time however...

What responsibilities does he have at home? Does he cook, does he clean, does he hoover or garden or do laundry? If he can't leave home then he needs to use his time at home so others can work and pay bills. Your parents need to say stop, we aren't carrying you anymore so if you live here you need to contribute time and effort into the household.

Bunny890 · 23/10/2022 15:09

I'll just say that the violence is more from distress (throwing things, wailing, destroying his bed) rather than actively punching or hurting us. It's still very distressing to watch and live with. I won't take DC around there which is a shame for all of us.

I do feel on some level we are in a form of an abusive relationship. You wouldn't say to a woman 'you are rewarding him by staying after he is violent'.

OP posts:
Taillighttoobright · 23/10/2022 15:10

Upsidedownagain · 23/10/2022 15:06

I think that could precipitate a total breakdown or violent attack unfortunately. They would see it as fundamental to their very being and be unable to cope.

God, what a nightmare.
What criteria has to be met for an adult to be removed and housed in residential accommodation for the safety of the family?

ChagSameachDoreen · 23/10/2022 15:12

Hikikomori are a phenomenon exclusive and unique to Japan and its postwar society. They can't be compared to men like the OP is taking about. Completely different context.

Bigbadmama · 23/10/2022 15:12

@MrsMorrisey I agree with you totally. I know half a dozen young men who have had a least a year, post school, of gaming and lounging around at home. It's a combination of round the clock gaming, lack of employment opportunities for unskilled/ semi-skilled young men, immaturity and lack of confidence in social situations, various "mental health" excuses and parents who just don't know how to handle the situation. As @Elfrazzle says above, much depends on the behaviour of their immediate peer group. Sports and outdoor hobbies are good. I was watching two obviously ASD young men train spotting last week. At least they had a Camera, notebook and a reason to leave the house.

Charley50 · 23/10/2022 15:12

MindPalace · 23/10/2022 14:55

Quite a few are Asian - so it’s not a white young man thing.

Yes, and young black men are affected too.

Social media often amplifies the danger of the 'outside world' and gaming seems an attractive alternative.

Bunny890 · 23/10/2022 15:13

@Upsidedownagain you are exactly right. When we've tried to make changes (moving into supported accomodation, removing the internet) is when he has massive reactions like threatening suicide and disappearing or smashing things at Mum and Dad's.

OP posts:
PBSam · 23/10/2022 15:13

VladmirsPoutine · 23/10/2022 12:55

Has be fallen down any youtube rabbit holes? You men are very prone to be taken in by Andrew Tate types and digest a lot of dangerous information leading them to become extremely angry and disenfranchised from life.

This is just nonsense. Andrew Tate encourages young men to be the exact opposite of a violent recluse.

Teder · 23/10/2022 15:13

Taillighttoobright · 23/10/2022 15:10

God, what a nightmare.
What criteria has to be met for an adult to be removed and housed in residential accommodation for the safety of the family?

Quite rightly, there is an extremely high threshold for state intervention into private and family life. However, the parents could throw him out and call the police and then let housing and social care assess him. I realise it’s easy to say “throw him out” when it’s not your child and you’re not enmeshed in the situation. Emotions and love make it complicated and messy.

stargirl1701 · 23/10/2022 15:14

My brother, now aged 43, has led this life (with the violence) since he left secondary school.