Young men who get stuck doing nothing...

[Bunny890]

My younger brother is living at home with my parents and I know several other young men who also get 'stuck' at home - endlessly online, alienate friends, not able to even look for employment or engage with healthcare. I realise that there is a mental health element to this, but I can't help but feel frustrated - Mu

I know a few men who work but literally just go home and game… then go to work… then game and do very little else.

I have a nephew like that.

His parents definitely enable it. He was the first born and for some reason they have lower expectations of him. He does get abusive with his mum. He does spend all his time online.

The girl who is the youngest is the opposite. She's been working since age 14 and mostly responsible even at just age 18.

Forced labour is not the answer.

One of DHs friends sons is like this. He's not violent. He actually has a job, but it's at home, an IT position. It's just that his Mum and Dad rarely see him. He never goes out, ever. His Dad blames modern technology and the Pandemic. (The lad is 21)

My brother was stuck this way through part of his 20s. He got an easy MW job after college and coasted along living at my parents, going out or gaming all night and putting in the bare minimum to work...which was kind of OK until he got fired. Then he became a bit of a shut-in, fell out with his friends, stopped going out, started getting aggressive, and I was worried about him.

A non-dead-end job really turned things around for him. He started at MW and then got promoted. He met a girlfriend there, he started looking after himself, they moved in together, got a cat, he learned to cook etc. They're no longer together, but he's completely independent now - he's been promoted several times, is earning decent money and would never move back in with our parents. I'm really proud of him.

There is a youtube channel set up by a psychiatrist whose target audience is these young men, his videos are really insightful and interesting to watch, he also regularly takes questions from his audience. He explains why it happens and how to get out of the rut of living that way.
I am a middle aged woman and find him really engaging. Maybe watch a few of his videos yourself and then direct your nephew to his channel.
healthygamergg.

I do think modern technology makes it easier to be reclusive and be as the OPs son is, though not the whole cause.

It will get worse. How long before it will be possible for someone to voluntarily go into an induced coma and live permanently in virtual reality?

Has neurodiversity been ruled out?

Thanks for that recommendation @kittenkerfuffle - my 11yo DS has ADHD and I do worry a but whether he could more easily than others fall into the gaming/nothing else gap and I see that Healthy Gaming guy talks a lot about ADHD too.

I thought this!

These "manchildren" are obviously being enabled by their parents. Somebody must be feeding them, washing their clothes etc.
Perhaps if the plug was pulled on their easy lives they might suddenly realise they can actually work for a living and pay their own way

I have two sons in their 20s. The youngest could have quite easily fallen into this, there was certainly a time when he spent a lot of time at home. For someone who lacks confidence it is easy to have social contact and become completely absorbed in an alternative world through the internet and gaming. This becomes normal and the longer it goes on the harder it is to go out there and face the real world. My boys had a very rounded upbringing, both played sport, had lots of interaction with other people and werent "mollycoddled".

As a parent what do you do? How do you force your son to engage with the real world? Would you really throw them out? Would being thrown out of the family home make them find a job and engage with the world?

Luckily DS came through this himself with gentle encouragement and now is happy living away from home, is studying and has a job.

I read a report recently about the poor mental health of a lot of young people. I feel that internet, gaming and social media plays a large part in this, but I have no idea what the answer is.

How old is he?

@Bunny890 Mum has had to give up her fulfilling career to look after him.

Why? He's not a child.

He is now becoming violent and we've had to call the police several times.

Well, if he carries on like this he'll be prosecuted and fined. A night or two in the cells might wake him up bit.

We are a normal family.

No, you're not a 'normal family'. Your mother is enabling a moocher and is now suffering the consequences.

I game but I also have a life out of gaming the one time I did game excessively was when I was recovering from a close bereavement and it was an escape so I have sympathy for the MH angle.

I have met a lot of young men over the years who are like your brother some worse than others. My main thoughts in no particular order are

Over protective parents
Socially awkward, some ASD for sure
Unrealistic expectations of what women look and behave like
In to Anime and Japanese/Asian culture
Physically unattractive
Physically weak and not in to sport
Porn so readily available
At the worst end they are verging towards incel culture
Games have progressed and are totally immersive, if you are a loser in real life but good at a game then it hits that dopamine spot.

I know what some of them look like due to FB and discord gaming groups. I have had to leave some due to harassment.

I remember one guy saying he deserved a 10. Now MN dislikes that rating number system for looks but he used it. I may be judged for this but if I was to rate him he was a 4 at best but he thought he deserved a perfect woman.

@pumpmt I agree with your growing up with screens always, it’s only going to get worse.

I know it’s unkind but the most extreme ones I have met are weird.

I've missed where you said how old he is Bunny890 but reading your update he sounds very immature. The misogyny and superiority you describe sound like a much younger teenager who tend to know it all on the one hand but in reality needs support to negotiate real life challenges. The extreme superiority can be a face saving mechanism for someone crumbling inside too.

I feel so sorry for your parents as it sounds as though they gave your brother a great upbringing. If your brother is violent though, I suggest this is the point at which you need outside help. I don't t have personal experience of this organisation but it was recommended on a thread a while back by another poster who said they were excellent and I found it after a brief Google:

www.pegsupport.co.uk/about

I don't know whether their remit extends to young adults but they may be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck.

It's due to them being lifted and laid.

DH and I went to university with someone who ended up doing this - it seem to be a accumulation of things unhappy with degree grade - but bounced back to master course and work experience - then started PhD - seem to end up emotional support to some girl and then got kicked off course - went home and that was it. Wider family and friends have tried but I think parents just let it be too long. Though I went of him when he started making misogynistic comments to and about me when I was a SAHM with young kids.

I think some people assume DH uncle was like this but actually it was more manipulative behavior from parents keeping him home and isolated.

I think brother could have gone this was but it was so alien to working class family - he left sofa surfer was even sleeping rough for a bit squatted got bailed out many times by parenst then in 30 finally settled into low paid work - thanks to a friend of his -and then got a council flat.

I did worry about DD1 after As levels - very long break and work and volunteer didn't happen despite her efforts she got very withdrawn wouldn't try anything seemed to very socially isolated and then worse exam grades than she'd hoped seem to really knock her back but she back on track few weeks into college.

I don't think it's easy to sort and it is a trap initially people give them space then getting back out there gets too overwhelming.

I agree!

We employ young people.... they are constantly checking phones!

Well the main things people seem to live for are leisure, sex and nice possessions.

Porn and hentai replace the sex. And if you opt out of the real world and working, enabled by parents, you have all the leisure time in the world you can fill with dopamine packed video games and you don’t have to worry about financing nice possessions etc. It seems a very easy lifestyle if you have a family willing to put up with it.

I've known a few males like this. To some extent, my brother and BIL still are. Both are late 20s/early 30's and have recently got part time jobs but they both still live at home and spend the rest of their days shut in their bedrooms gaming or online. DB is on the spectrum and BIL has anxiety but neither have been pushed by their parents. They're enabled if anything. I can't see either of them moving out, meeting a partner or having a family. I've never known a female like this.

I'm pregnant with a boy at the moment and to be honest, it's been a huge worry of mine. I really don't want an overgrown manchild stuck living at home with me forever like my DB.

Why did she have to give up her job? You've not mentioned his diagnosis?

OP, I'm assuming he has been assessed for autism/ADHD etc? There are many, many flags for neurodiversity in what you have said.
What medication was the psychiatrist offering?

I would ask did the psychiatrist actually give a diagnosis?