Which one of us is the selfish bastard.

[VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN]

It’s my birthday on Monday. Not a significant one but my birthday all the same. “D”P will be at work and it’ll just be me and 3 y/o DD.

My mum took DD for the weekend to give us time to do something nice for my birthday. He hasn’t seen his brother for a few weeks so he’s gone there and got absolutely bladdered and has been passed out in bed since 8:30pm. I’ve gone mad and said it’s the 1 fucking time I ask for anything, even just a drink in a Wetherspoons. I’m pissed off he’s bought his brother beer cos he lent money off me on Monday.

We’ve been together 5 years. Never had a card or present yet for some reason I bought him a PS5 for his last birthday. So he’s spent £340 in one day on himself and his little brother who only comes round on payday.

Ive no friends anymore as I’m a SAHM and relying on the bit of UC top up so I don’t have the money or childcare to go out much. My family hate him so my relationship with them is strained so I literally had 0 other plans. And I thought it was normal for couples to celebrate birthdays. We can’t do it on Monday.

Ive said he’s selfish. He called me selfish.
I’m fed up to high heaven.

Why are you with him?

Clearly you're not the selfish one here!

You aren't selfish but you are a mug..
My exh ruined my 40th birthday. He was an exh before I was 41.
Raise your bar op. It certainly isn't about material things.
But he clearly gives no fucks about you.
And will carry on like that as long as you accept it.

@EsmeSusanOgg i wish I knew. I don’t actually know. Because I feel scared of the world on my own partly. Starting all over again

Yes, why are you with him? He sounds hideous.

Oh wow. I don’t often throw around “LTB”s on here but honestly op I’m struggling to see what you get from this relationship. He sounds awful. Is he a good dad? Hands on with dad? Does he do his equal share around the house? Is he considerate or supportive in other ways?
I hope you manage to salvage something of your birthday and do something nice 💐

All your family hate him?
There's a big fucking clue right there who's the asshole.

The world on your own would be better than being constantly eroded by that parasite

yet you are deciding to stay with him…

do you not think you deserve something better?

🌹

It may be hard, but it would be better for you.

A lot of why I’m still with him is self esteem related. I don’t have any confidence anymore. I’ve gained so much weight since I had DD and Ive gone into my shell. I dont really remember how to socialise etc anymore. Sorry if I sound pathetic

Your family hate him. No card or present for 5 years. You put aside time to spend together for your birthday and instead he pisses off with his brother. He is a selfish arsehole and you would be better off alone.

You don’t sound pathetic at all.

Think of your birthday as a new start, where do you want to be this time next year?

I really think that you will find your self esteem and love for life will return once you get rid of this waste of space.

I’m single, I was terrified of leaving my (abusive) ex because I thought I wouldn’t cope on my own, or I’d be lonely. I’m thriving, and you will too. I was more lonely in that relationship than I am now.

There is better out there for you I promise x

I don’t even know how to make friends as an adult. I plan on going back to work this year once DD is settled in pre school but can I just rely on work colleagues for friendship? I don’t even know what to do or say to people it’s like I’ve forgotten how to conversate or socialise. My heads absolutely fucked

So he's blown £340 tonight getting pissed with his brother rather than celebrating your birthday?

Ok.

Your relationship with your family is strained because they hate him (because he's an asshole?).

Ok.

He's never bought you a card/present despite your buying him expensive gifts.

Ok.

You've been with him for 5 years.....

What advice are you expecting?

A. Bless, get him a coffee and he might make it to the pub to buy you a glass of Prosecco for last orders? (Nope he's far too hungover)

B. Buy yourself something nice to make you feel better as a birthday treat? (Oops he's spent all the money...)

C. confirmation you are not selfish? Apart from the fact you actually are? You're too selfish to admit to yourself you're in a relationship with a bastard who you can't be arsed to be motivated enough to leave. You'd rather post on here being validated about not being in the wrong and being made to feel better rather than doing another to make life better.

Take your pick.....

Harsh yes, but you need a wake up call.

He's the selfish one... But you are a bit daft to expect any better when it seems he has always been like this? You have to decide what you are willing to put up with.

How did he spend 340 just on drink???

Yes, this. Raise your bar. At the very least, stop buying him expensive tech. He's taking you for a mug.

Give yourself the best possible birthday gift this year - leave this sponge.
Your self esteem and self respect will soon return when you're not living with someone who continually uses and takes advantage of you.

You will meet a lot of new people when your child goes to pre-school and school, and again when you start work. Some may become friends, some will just be acquaintances but you’ll be out there meeting people.

I joined an evening class at my local college on my child free evening and met two good friends there that I’m still in contact with.

What do you like doing?

Get that ps4 and put it on eBay or gumtree. Get what you can back for it and use it to change the locks.

I can’t get over the fact that he’s spent £34O on money he obviously hasn’t got in one day? What on? Not all on drinks for two people surely? Also the fact that he’s never acknowledged your birthday in the 5 years you’ve been together is just horrible, especially when you spoil him on his. Kick him to the kerb OP, he doesn’t deserve you and the longer you stay with him the harder you will find it to believe that.

Think of the example you're setting for your daughter. You don't want her making the same choices you have. Raise your standards.

The best present you can give yourself is being on your own. So what if you've put on weight? Your social skills at present are non nonexsistant what would you rather be in life, a doormat whose miserable or am independent woman who is happy. Tough choice that.
300 odd quid and he's spent it on his parasitic brother, oofta nope.

£340 on trainers, clothes and beer.
I don’t even know what I like doing, I don’t really do anything. I always wanted to work in drug and alcohol support but I’m struggling to even find a route into that.

ps - I wish I could find the motivation but after 5 years of being treated like I’m nothing then just being DD’s mum and not ME, I’m in my shell

Well you'd lose 10 stone plus by dumping your shitty partner.

You'd also find your self esteem in a better place when you were not constantly made to feel worthless by a man who treats you like shit.

Your relationship with your family (and by association their friends and social circles) would improve if you got rid of the person whose eroding your relationships.

You would be able to socialise (and people do make friends through work btw) if you actually started to do it.

But it's up to you and there is no magic wand.

He won't change. So you accept that this is your lot, or you change.