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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which one of us is the selfish bastard.

103 replies

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 22/10/2022 22:18

It’s my birthday on Monday. Not a significant one but my birthday all the same. “D”P will be at work and it’ll just be me and 3 y/o DD.

My mum took DD for the weekend to give us time to do something nice for my birthday. He hasn’t seen his brother for a few weeks so he’s gone there and got absolutely bladdered and has been passed out in bed since 8:30pm. I’ve gone mad and said it’s the 1 fucking time I ask for anything, even just a drink in a Wetherspoons. I’m pissed off he’s bought his brother beer cos he lent money off me on Monday.

We’ve been together 5 years. Never had a card or present yet for some reason I bought him a PS5 for his last birthday. So he’s spent £340 in one day on himself and his little brother who only comes round on payday.

Ive no friends anymore as I’m a SAHM and relying on the bit of UC top up so I don’t have the money or childcare to go out much. My family hate him so my relationship with them is strained so I literally had 0 other plans. And I thought it was normal for couples to celebrate birthdays. We can’t do it on Monday.

Ive said he’s selfish. He called me selfish.
I’m fed up to high heaven.

OP posts:
Panjandrum123 · 23/10/2022 00:31

@VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN Take back the console, trade it in. Make plans to leave the bastard, he’s just dragging you down.

Can you go back to your family temporarily? Set some ground rules with them so they’re not going full “we told you so” on you. That’s not helpful at this time.

Make plans to go back to work, practice your social skills. You’ll find new friends but don’t rush it.

You can do this.

DinaofCloud9 · 23/10/2022 00:35

You bought him a PlayStation when he's never bought you a thing? That's mad. Happy Birthday BTW. Please remember you deserve better.

Tryingmyb3st · 23/10/2022 00:36

The very fact you're asking the question means that you know you deserve more.
After years of gaslightimg bullshit I had a moment of epiphany. When I looked around and saw how now ex-h was living his life, I asked myself 'why am I not worth more to you'. In that moment, I realised I would never ever be as important as he was to himself.
You cannot change how he perceives and treats you, but you can control your reaction to it.

RealBecca · 23/10/2022 00:38

Does it have to be abuse for you to say it isnt good enough and you want more from life? Not being abused isnt something to hope for in a relationship, it's one of the bare minimums.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2022 00:58

You say your family 'hate him' (no wonder!). I'd be willing to bet they're praying for you to 'see the light' and be overjoyed to know you have. If I were you I'd call them and say "You were right about him and I was so wrong. I'm sorry I didn't listen. Please help me get away from him". You may have to hear a few "I told you so" but it will be well worth it, I promise! If you were my sister, daughter or even a 3rd cousin once removed I'd do all I could to help you, even if all I could do was offer you a blow up mattress on the kitchen floor. And if I were you, I'd take it!!

As far as losing weight, put that on the back burner for right now, especially if you are seeing your weight in light of being unattractive to men. You need to work on your self esteem and learn to be happy on your own. Lose weight for yourself, not for other people, especially not for a man.

As to whether or not you're being abused, check this link out and see if any of it 'fits':

www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/

Elderflower14 · 23/10/2022 01:03

And you are with him because???
Show his arse the front door!!!!

CJsGoldfish · 23/10/2022 01:26

Is this the relationship you want to model for your child? Is this what you want her to think a healthy and loving relationship looks like?
You are her role model

1994girl · 23/10/2022 02:02

You bought him a ps5 with our taxpayers money, pfft

Original poster
VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 23/10/2022 02:17

1994girl · 23/10/2022 02:02

You bought him a ps5 with our taxpayers money, pfft

I worked from leaving school. I don’t have childcare to go back to work as of yet.

OP posts:
pinheadlarry · 23/10/2022 02:19

Is your sex life good?
If the answer is no ..i wouldnt waste anytime leaving

Coyoacan · 23/10/2022 02:54

Look up the Freedom Programme and see if there is one you can take in your area. I hear they are excellent and either free or very cheap. If you can attend in person that would be best, but they are also available online

WitchyMother · 23/10/2022 03:13

Your family is still in your life, though so you do have someone. Your mum was babysitting for you so you're not as isolated as it feels like. So what if you gained weight? You still don't deserve to be in a bad relationship. Who cares about socialising and friendships? These things will come later when you get on your own 2 feet. There is childcare costs help. You need to make a plan to leave and start disengaging with him. Lean on your family who already know what a shit he is. It'd be worse if everyone was gaslighting you and thinking you're wrong to leave. Look at it from a different angle!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2022 03:26

1994girl · 23/10/2022 02:02

You bought him a ps5 with our taxpayers money, pfft

Unless you're a high earner, and I frankly doubt that, you are a net taker from the system too.

I paid more into the system than I took so I'm happy for OP to blow her UC on champagne and magazines if she'd only LTB.

OP I started in homeless shelters volunteering. Not only would it give you experience in drug and alcohol work, it would also get you chatting to people. 30 years later I have a great job in the sector.

NoMoreLifts · 23/10/2022 04:00

1994girl · 23/10/2022 02:02

You bought him a ps5 with our taxpayers money, pfft

This is mean. UC goes to household. For whatever reason, that's the bit of the money she gets to organise.
"I'm a SAHM and relying on the bit of UC top up so I don’t have the money or childcare to go out much."

NoMoreLifts · 23/10/2022 04:01

I meant the PP was mean, not the OP.

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/10/2022 04:24

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 22/10/2022 22:21

@EsmeSusanOgg i wish I knew. I don’t actually know. Because I feel scared of the world on my own partly. Starting all over again

It is more difficult to take the decision to leave than deal with the consequences of it.

Personally, I think a life on your own with hope for the future is a much happier life than living one day at a time.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 23/10/2022 05:02

yea going solo is hard. Well to begin with. But omg it’s worth it. It’s amazing how much the self esteem is improved once you’ve gotten rid of what puts you down.

Friends you have lost might also come back once he’s gone.

Because you aren’t married it’s also a lot easier to dump.

Hopefully the home is just in your name. Mine is and it was an amazing relieve when I said one day pack your shit up and fuck off out of my home.

As for getting into addiction work, contact local services to do some volunteering whilst doing a counselling course. If finding free time to do both is an issue, OU do accredited courses.

newnamethanks · 23/10/2022 07:44

OP, stop being a mug, he's useless, bin him. Having a partner is supposed to be a shared, pleasant experience. After a month without him, I promise, you'd be shaking your head and wondering why you ever let him cross your doorstep. And revise your future working plans. Dont move into addiction recovery, you need some emotional repair work yourself before you do that. You sound too needy and vulnerable to be around people needing the amount of support that users require. But bin him. He won't improve.

liveforsummer · 23/10/2022 07:53

1994girl · 23/10/2022 02:02

You bought him a ps5 with our taxpayers money, pfft

Wtf 🤣. If OP has managed to budget well enough of measly benefits to buy a ps5 then good for her. Just a shame it was for that waste of space. Sell it OP and buy yourself something nice

Goldbar · 23/10/2022 08:30

I don't understand the PS5. Why does this horrible man deserve a penny of money that you could spend on yourself/your DD? Sell it and take her somewhere nice.

I hope you find the strength and energy to leave him 💐. That would be the best birthday present to yourself. Remember you don't have to do it all at once... just one baby step at a time. I would look into sorting childcare for your DD, who should be entitled to her funded hours soon if she's not already, and getting a job - any job. I know you say your confidence has taken a battering over the past few years but it's an employees market at the moment, employers are crying out for staff and there will be something you can do, and do well.

ThePoetsWife · 23/10/2022 08:32

Sell the console you've bought him and dump the bastard.

You and DC don't need a wanker like him.

CuppaWhiteTea · 23/10/2022 10:24

Happy Birthday, OP! 💐 It’s great that you’re realising you deserve more than this. You absolutely do. Decent loving partners want to spend time with each other and treat them (even if it’s with small inexpensive things) on their birthdays. It was a great suggestion from the PP who said can you go to your mum’s and spend the day with her and your DD? Could be a great opportunity to tell your mum you’ve realised you deserve more and ask for her support to get yourself into a better, happier place? Best of luck XXX

Brefugee · 23/10/2022 10:31

YABU for staying in this situation, lending him money and expecting anything else given past experience.

Sorry.

FridayNightWinner · 23/10/2022 10:32

What do you get out of this relationship with this pig of a man???

girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 11:48

If he can afford to blow £340 in one day he can afford childcare for you to go back to work, but that's not really the point. He doesn't give a shit.