Which one of us is the selfish bastard.

[VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN]

It’s my birthday on Monday. Not a significant one but my birthday all the same. “D”P will be at work and it’ll just be me and 3 y/o DD.

My mum took DD for the weekend to give us time to do something nice for my birthday. He hasn’t seen his brother for a few weeks so he’s gone there and got absolutely bladdered and has been passed out in bed since 8:30pm. I’ve gone mad and said it’s the 1 fucking time I ask for anything, even just a drink in a Wetherspoons. I’m pissed off he’s bought his brother beer cos he lent money off me on Monday.

We’ve been together 5 years. Never had a card or present yet for some reason I bought him a PS5 for his last birthday. So he’s spent £340 in one day on himself and his little brother who only comes round on payday.

Ive no friends anymore as I’m a SAHM and relying on the bit of UC top up so I don’t have the money or childcare to go out much. My family hate him so my relationship with them is strained so I literally had 0 other plans. And I thought it was normal for couples to celebrate birthdays. We can’t do it on Monday.

Ive said he’s selfish. He called me selfish.
I’m fed up to high heaven.

I'm so sorry

You are right to ask for more. The fact he would even call you selfish says he's lost all sight of care and respect for you.

Why are your family against him? Is there any drug use? Abuse?

Make your daughter your motivation. Do you really want her growing up thinking the way your partner treats you is normal and right and so more than likely end up in a similar relationship when she’s older?

@BreadInCaptivity thank you, I appreciate the virtual shake and you’re bang on with everything.

I think it’s just the way he’s treated me. I have often wondered am I being abused but I’ve always brushed it off as he’s just selfish xyz.

If there is a chance youre being abused you might not be in the best place to recognise it.

Would you call Womens Aid tomorrow?

I did support work in a homeless accommodation service, a generic service but it gave me experience in key areas - housing, domestic abuse, substance misuse and offending.

I had no experience when I started, you could look at something like that and then go into substance abuse recovery work?

He has clearly shown where his priorities are
Such a glib saying but when someone tells you what they are listen to them

Would love to hear why he thinks you're selfish. There's always two sides to a story but I can't for the life of me imagine what his excuse could be.

You sound like you've hit rock bottom, you need to accept that it'll be a long road from where you are now to where you want to be.

Counselling would probably help, even some self help books if you don't have the money or motivation for counseling? Just someone to help you figure out exactly what's wrong, what you want and to give you space to explore the route there.

You really do need to leave him, very difficult but doable. You deserve to be happy and loved.

Well that's your problem in a nutshell.

You've just brushed it off.

You've spent 5 years being treated like shit, sucked dry by an emotional and financial vampire and wonder why you are shell of yourself?

Question is what are you going to do about it?

Seek solace in people on the internet sending #sympathy/love or find your inner anger and last vestiges of self respect and build a new and better life for yourself?

Reconnect with your family and get their support and ditch the useless fucker.

Get a job and with it a focus that will enable you to meet new people, build your confidence and give you financial independence.

You can change your life if you want.

Make a choice.

Your birthday a year next Monday, where do you want to be?

Posting on MN about how he's fucked you over again or out with new friends, spending your own money and feeling proud of what you've achieved in the previous year?

Great post.

HE is the selfish bastard. What an absolute pig.

Go to your mums and have a lovely Sunday with her and your child. And in the mid-long term, get yourself out of this one way relationship,. Get yourself back into work and surrounded by adults, friendship may or may not come later but you will at least have a routine and some financial security which will help your self esteem and identity issues. Perhaps join a fitness class or slimming community if you are concerned about your weight (you may meet friends there). And ignore this stupid man, he is the arsehole. You have got this!

Get rid of him, don't allow your child to see these standards you hold for yourself to be the way of life!

I seem to remember something some time ago about the PS5 against not being given any cards or presents by a selfish partner, was that you? It's not useful for me to wonder at you why you had a child with someone who was already treating you this way for over a year, these things do happen whether by design or otherwise and misjudgements are made. But you really need to get over to Relationships and get support in getting sorted enough to get out of this relationship and build a good life for yourself.

You're better off without someone dragging you down and spending your money, and you don't want your daughter to grow up, seeing how he treats you, and think that's all she deserves from her own future partner.

If your relationship with your family is poor mostly because of him, would they be willing to help support you through leaving him?

There's always hope for a better future, and I believe things will actually be easier in many ways, when you aren't living with someone who treats you like the enemy.

Forgot to say happy birthday, forget about the fuckwit. Celebrate with yourself, and with your 3yo, Mum etc. I saw a quote today: "You are only one decision away from a completely different life." Think about that. Good luck.

You've never had a card or a present from him. Why expect him to change now?

OP put it this way, the relationship isn’t going to last.

he’s not your happy ever after, he’s not your Prince Charming, this is not your big love story.

he’s a selfish immature prick. He won’t change, you’ve gone too long to even try and leverage any change. He knows you’ll accept his shit and will just carry on the way he is. He has no need to change, because you allow him to act this way.

So you know the relationship isn’t a big love affair and it’ll end one day anyway. The question is, do you want to waste your best years until it ends or do you want to take control and get out now so you can have a shred of self respect and maybe even experience a real relationship where you are loved and valued?

If you can’t leave yet, then start doing things for yourself. If you’re upset about putting so much weight on then start calorie counting and doing some basic home exercise - you don’t have to even do it to lose weight but just to invest time in yourself. You’ll feel better for it.
Look up some videos on YouTube about self esteem, healthy relationships, self care, feminism. Start to put some real self care into practice - not spending money on your partner, spending it on your own needs (saving for a deposit for your own place maybe?).

start reaching out to family and friends again, try to strengthen those relationships, take it one day at a time to build up your confidence. You might not think it now but if you do these things then one day in the not too distant future it’s going to click and you’ll realise that this guy is an absolute loser and you just won’t care about him anymore. You’ll be ready to go.

My ex forgetting my birthday for the 2nd year in a row was my motivation to leave. In previous years he had bought incredibly thoughtful gifts and then nothing. It let me know that our relationship and feelings for each other has changed and I had to end it for us both.

I've said yabu purely because in 5 years this arseh*le hasn't so much as bought you a card so he's shown you who he is and yet you're still expecting him to act differently for some reason? You're not being selfish you're asking for respect, consideration and care in your relationship and he's refusing to deliver. I'd be looking at getting into a job or trying to work out what I'd be entitled to from uc as a single parent and leaving. If your family hate him would they support you to leave him and let you stay with them until you get a place sorted? The way I see it you have two choices, either accept what he's offering and stay in the knowledge he's not going to be who you want him to be, or you decide you want better for yourself and DC and you make room for better to enter your life. Your self esteem won't improve while you're with someone who shows you no love or value he's draining it and that's why you feel the way you do.

He has shown you who he is over the last 5 years, believe him and get rid he's not going to change.

Tell your family that you've finally seen the light, and ask for their support to leave him or kick him out, whichever works for you. You'll probably find that the minute he's gone you'll start to lose weight, and your self esteem will begin to improve. It's highly likely that you will make new friends once you have a job, and get your little one in pre-school. It's surprising how much having a little one can force you to go out in the world and speak to people, as you can no longer hide, it's your job to advocate for them and protect them. As others have said, make your next birthday the day when you look back and realise that in 12 months you have turned your life around for the better, by getting rid of this selfish arse who only cares about himself. You can do it, and with your family supporting you, which hopefully they will when they realise that you genuinely want to get rid of him, you'll soon find yourself happy and confident again.

Give yourself the gift of this being the last birthday you’re with him.
You’re better than this.

You will be better on your own, your self esteem will improve and if you want to you will probably lose weight too.
You won't feel any better until you are on your own, your relationship is why you're feeling like this. X

Sell the PS5, buy yourself whatever you want and dump the loser.

don’t ever lend him money again or buy him anything, start putting the money aside in preparation of moving out.

Your life is not going to change if you don’t make some sort of change here. Go for it,

Leave this selfish fkin manchild.